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Source: http://jokes.imran.com/atom.xml

<?xml version='1.0' encoding='UTF-8'?><?xml-stylesheet href="http://www.blogger.com/styles/atom.css" type="text/css"?><feed xmlns='http://www.w3.org/2005/Atom' xmlns:openSearch='http://a9.com/-/spec/opensearchrss/1.0/' xmlns:blogger='http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008' xmlns:georss='http://www.georss.org/georss' xmlns:gd="http://schemas.google.com/g/2005" xmlns:thr='http://purl.org/syndication/thread/1.0'><id>tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21035462</id><updated>2024-03-07T13:36:37.983-05:00</updated><category term="Humor"/><category term="Jokes"/><category term="Imran"/><category term="Imran Anwar"/><category term="Flying"/><category term="Sex"/><category term="Wit"/><category term="ImranAnwar"/><category term="Language"/><category term="Aviation"/><category term="Blondes"/><category term="Women"/><category term="Airlines"/><category term="Family"/><category term="Lawyers"/><category term="Life"/><category term="Love"/><category term="Pilot"/><category term="Puns"/><category term="Travel"/><category term=""Mark Twain""/><category term="Accountant"/><category term="Actuary"/><category term="Adulterer"/><category term="Adultery"/><category term="Adults"/><category term="Advertising"/><category term="Age"/><category term="American"/><category term="Animals"/><category term="Anwar"/><category term="Assumptions"/><category term="Banker"/><category term="Boyfriend"/><category term="Breasts"/><category term="Bush"/><category term="Business"/><category term="Buying"/><category term="Campaign"/><category term="Cars"/><category term="Cleanliness"/><category term="Colbert"/><category term="Consultant"/><category term="Cooking"/><category term="DNA"/><category term="Demand"/><category term="Dessert"/><category term="Diary"/><category term="Dinner"/><category term="Diplomat"/><category term="Donald Trump"/><category term="Dreams"/><category term="Economist"/><category term="English"/><category term="Facebook"/><category term="Friends"/><category term="Gender"/><category term="Girlfriend"/><category term="Golf"/><category term="Guns"/><category term="Hamburger"/><category term="Harley-Davidson"/><category term="Headlines"/><category term="History"/><category term="Hypocrites"/><category term="Ice-cream"/><category term="Ireland"/><category term="Italy"/><category term="Jew"/><category term="Justice"/><category term="Landing"/><category term="Lesbian"/><category term="Lovers"/><category term="Madison"/><category term="Mathematician"/><category term="Media"/><category term="Men"/><category term="Middle-East"/><category term="Monkeys"/><category term="News"/><category term="Newspapers"/><category term="Old Age"/><category term="Peace"/><category term="Perjury"/><category term="Pilots"/><category term="Prejudice"/><category term="Pricing"/><category term="Professor"/><category term="Programmer"/><category term="Psychologist"/><category term="Public Sex"/><category term="Pudding"/><category term="Quotations"/><category term="Rabbi"/><category term="Rabbi Jew Adulterer Adultery Sex Steal Commandments"/><category term="Rape"/><category term="Relationships"/><category term="Rice"/><category term="Romance"/><category term="Rules"/><category term="Silence"/><category term="Statistician"/><category term="Steal"/><category term="Stock Market"/><category term="Students"/><category term="Supply"/><category term="Teacher"/><category term="Technology"/><category term="Topologist"/><category term="Trump"/><category term="Vaseline"/><category term="Viagra"/><category term="Villagers"/><category term="Wales"/><category term="Wife"/><category term="business development"/><category term="democracy"/><category term="divorce"/><category term="einstein"/><category term="election"/><category term="lawyer jokes"/><category term="loser"/><category term="mathematics"/><category term="maths"/><category term="montage"/><category term="mystery"/><category term="politics"/><category term="quiz"/><category term="wisdom"/><category term="wordplay"/><title type='text'>"Gotta Love It" Humor Selections - by IMRAN™</title><subtitle type='html'>We all get jokes sent to us by dozens (or more) of our friends. Here are some I found most fun, funny, entertaining or even educational. NONE of this is my content. I am merely showing what I got in my InBox and liked enough to show you. If you are the copyright holder of any of this content, please let me know. The rest of you, enjoy! Bookmark this. Tell your friends. AND, you MUST check out my <a href="http://imran.com/media/blog/">blog</a>. Now it's YOUR turn to add and express your opinions.</subtitle><link rel='http://schemas.google.com/g/2005#feed' type='application/atom+xml' href='http://jokes.imran.com/feeds/posts/default'/><link rel='self' type='application/atom+xml' href='http://www.blogger.com/feeds/21035462/posts/default?alt=atom'/><link rel='alternate' type='text/html' href='http://jokes.imran.com/'/><link rel='hub' href='http://pubsubhubbub.appspot.com/'/><link rel='next' type='application/atom+xml' href='http://www.blogger.com/feeds/21035462/posts/default?alt=atom&start-index=26&max-results=25'/><author><name>IMRAN™</name><uri>http://www.blogger.com/profile/03919552891874811342</uri><email>noreply@blogger.com</email><gd:image rel='http://schemas.google.com/g/2005#thumbnail' width='16' height='16' src='https://img1.blogblog.com/img/b16-rounded.gif'/></author><generator version='7.00' uri='http://www.blogger.com'>Blogger</generator><openSearch:totalResults>466</openSearch:totalResults><openSearch:startIndex>1</openSearch:startIndex><openSearch:itemsPerPage>25</openSearch:itemsPerPage><entry><id>tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21035462.post-3815811858361676130</id><published>2021-09-05T12:41:00.001-04:00</published><updated>2021-09-05T12:41:17.866-04:00</updated><title type='text'>Supermarket Admission</title><content type='html'><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13pt;">A guy goes to the supermarket, and a beautiful woman smiles at him and</span>&nbsp;<span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13pt;">says hello.</span><div dir="ltr"><div style="font-size:13pt;font-family:arial,helvetica,sans-serif;color:#000000;" class="default-style"> <div> <br> </div> <div> He's rather taken aback because he can't place how he knows her. </div> <div> <br> </div> <div> So he asks, "Do you know me?" </div> <div style="font-size: 13pt; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);" class="default-style"> <br> </div> <div style="font-size: 13pt; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);" class="default-style"> The woman says, "I think you're the father&nbsp;of one of my kids." </div> <div> <br> </div> <div> His mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to&nbsp;<span style="font-size: 13pt;">his wife, and he says, "My God! I feel sick!"</span></div> <div> <br> </div> <div> "Are you the exotic dancer from my bachelor party, that I was infatuated&nbsp;<span style="font-size: 13pt;">with, on the pool table, with all my buddies watching me!"</span></div> <div> <br> </div> <div> She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher." </div><div><br></div></div></div><blockquote type="cite"><div dir="ltr"><div style="font-size:13pt;font-family:arial,helvetica,sans-serif;color:#000000;" class="default-style"> </div> </div></blockquote><div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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</script></div></content><link rel='replies' type='application/atom+xml' href='http://jokes.imran.com/feeds/3815811858361676130/comments/default' title='Post Comments'/><link rel='replies' type='text/html' href='http://www.blogger.com/comment.g?blogID=21035462&postID=3815811858361676130&isPopup=true' title='0 Comments'/><link rel='edit' type='application/atom+xml' href='http://www.blogger.com/feeds/21035462/posts/default/3815811858361676130'/><link rel='self' type='application/atom+xml' href='http://www.blogger.com/feeds/21035462/posts/default/3815811858361676130'/><link rel='alternate' type='text/html' href='http://jokes.imran.com/2021/09/supermarket-admission.html' title='Supermarket Admission'/><author><name>IMRAN™</name><uri>http://www.blogger.com/profile/03919552891874811342</uri><email>noreply@blogger.com</email><gd:image rel='http://schemas.google.com/g/2005#thumbnail' width='16' height='16' src='https://img1.blogblog.com/img/b16-rounded.gif'/></author><thr:total>0</thr:total></entry><entry><id>tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21035462.post-3664394269781601089</id><published>2021-09-04T02:39:00.001-04:00</published><updated>2021-09-04T02:39:09.010-04:00</updated><title type='text'>Olympian! Olympian!</title><content type='html'>Olympian! Olympian!<br><p class="_1qeIAgB0cPwnLhDF9XSiJM" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17.33333396911621px;">An old man goes up to a prostitute. He says, "How much do you charge?"</p><p class="_1qeIAgB0cPwnLhDF9XSiJM" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17.33333396911621px;">She says, "$300."</p><p class="_1qeIAgB0cPwnLhDF9XSiJM" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17.33333396911621px;">He replies "I've got no money, and all I have are these two Olympic gold medals I won in the 60's."<br></p><p class="_1qeIAgB0cPwnLhDF9XSiJM" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17.33333396911621px;">She says "That'll do," takes the medals and off they go to take care of business.&nbsp;<br><br>Next evening another old man approaches, "How much do you charge?" he asks.&nbsp;<br></p><p class="_1qeIAgB0cPwnLhDF9XSiJM" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17.33333396911621px;">She says,&nbsp;<span style="font-size: 13pt;">"$600."</span></p><p class="_1qeIAgB0cPwnLhDF9XSiJM" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17.33333396911621px;">"Are you any good?" he then asks.&nbsp;</p><p class="_1qeIAgB0cPwnLhDF9XSiJM" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17.33333396911621px;">"Well, I've two Olympic gold medals!"</p><p class="_1qeIAgB0cPwnLhDF9XSiJM" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17.33333396911621px;"><br></p><p class="_1qeIAgB0cPwnLhDF9XSiJM" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 17.33333396911621px;"><br></p><div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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</script></div></content><link rel='replies' type='application/atom+xml' href='http://jokes.imran.com/feeds/3664394269781601089/comments/default' title='Post Comments'/><link rel='replies' type='text/html' href='http://www.blogger.com/comment.g?blogID=21035462&postID=3664394269781601089&isPopup=true' title='0 Comments'/><link rel='edit' type='application/atom+xml' href='http://www.blogger.com/feeds/21035462/posts/default/3664394269781601089'/><link rel='self' type='application/atom+xml' href='http://www.blogger.com/feeds/21035462/posts/default/3664394269781601089'/><link rel='alternate' type='text/html' href='http://jokes.imran.com/2021/09/olympian-olympian.html' title='Olympian! Olympian!'/><author><name>IMRAN™</name><uri>http://www.blogger.com/profile/03919552891874811342</uri><email>noreply@blogger.com</email><gd:image rel='http://schemas.google.com/g/2005#thumbnail' width='16' height='16' src='https://img1.blogblog.com/img/b16-rounded.gif'/></author><thr:total>0</thr:total></entry><entry><id>tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21035462.post-4047213446646515383</id><published>2021-01-04T13:52:00.001-05:00</published><updated>2021-01-04T13:54:38.021-05:00</updated><category scheme="http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#" term="democracy"/><category scheme="http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#" term="Donald Trump"/><category scheme="http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#" term="election"/><category scheme="http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#" term="Humor"/><category scheme="http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#" term="loser"/><category scheme="http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#" term="montage"/><category scheme="http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#" term="politics"/><category scheme="http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#" term="Trump"/><title type='text'>Awesome Concession Speech Given By Donald Trump!</title><content type='html'><span face="arial, helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-size: 13pt;">The concession speech we will never hear…! :-)</span><div><span face="arial, helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-size: 13pt;"><br /></span></div><div><span face="arial, helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-size: 13pt;">And the award for Sound Editing.... goes to.... Enjoy!!!!</span><span face="arial, helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-size: 13pt;">&nbsp;</span><div><div><div class="default-style" style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13pt;"> <div><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dxOuCEqArQnPY184lHKA66quRoobtasXPwEdxEkQK2X7nBAMMFFndQIK6Fe73-aI7qNATkTX2M5mfs' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div><br /><div><br /></div> </div> </div> </div></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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font-size: 10pt;"><em class=""><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 24pt;" class="">Date Night Menu ...</span></em></strong><br class=""><div><div class=""><div class="default-style" style="font-size: 13pt; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"><div style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;" class=""><div style="font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;" class=""> <div style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;" class=""> <div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-size: 10pt;" class=""> <div id="yiv3171814372AOLMsgPart_2_d6aaaeef-22e6-4416-91d3-272daa4d7590" class=""> <div class="yiv3171814372aolReplacedBody"> <div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-size: 10pt;" class=""> <div id="yiv3171814372AOLMsgPart_2_9760e2f7-7004-4e08-863c-a42663be906c" class=""> <div class="yiv3171814372aolReplacedBody"> <div style="background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); font-family: &quot;times new roman&quot;, &quot;new york&quot;, times, serif; font-size: 12pt;" class=""> <div class=""> <div class=""> <div class="yiv3171814372y_msg_container"> <div id="yiv3171814372" class=""> <div class=""> <div style="background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); font-size: 14pt;" class=""> <div class=""> <div style="font-family: 'times new roman', 'new york', times, serif; font-size: 12pt;" class=""> <div class="yiv3171814372y_msg_container"> <div id="yiv3171814372" class=""> <div class=""> <div style="background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); font-family: &quot;Courier New&quot;, courier, monaco, monospace, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;" class=""> <div style="font-family: 'Courier New', courier, monaco, monospace, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;" class=""> <div style="font-size: 12pt;" class=""> <div class="yiv3171814372y_msg_container"> <div id="yiv3171814372" class=""> <div class=""> <table id="yiv3171814372INCREDIMAINTABLE" class="yiv3171814372mceItemTable" border="0" width="100%" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="2"> <tbody class=""> <tr class=""> <td id="yiv3171814372INCREDITEXTREGION" style="direction: ltr;" width="100%" class=""> <div class=""> <div id="yiv3171814372IncrediOriginalFontSize" dir="ltr" class=""> <div dir="ltr" class=""> <div class=""> <div class=""> <div class=""> <div class=""> <div style="background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255);" class=""> <div class=""> <div class=""> <div class="yiv3171814372ecxy_msg_container"> <div id="yiv3171814372ecxyiv1164589071" class=""> <div class=""> <div class=""> <div class=""> <div dir="ltr" class=""> <div class=""> <div style="background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255);" class=""> <div class=""> <div class=""> <div class="yiv3171814372ecxyiv1164589071ecxy_msg_container"> <div id="yiv3171814372ecxyiv1164589071ecxyiv1087409832" class=""> <div class=""> <div class=""> <div style="background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255);" class=""> <div class=""> <div class=""> <div class="yiv3171814372ecxyiv1164589071ecxyiv1087409832y_msg_container"> <div id="yiv3171814372ecxyiv1164589071ecxyiv1087409832" class=""> <div class=""> <div dir="ltr" class=""> <div class=""> <div class=""> <div class="yiv3171814372ecxyiv1164589071ecxyiv1087409832WordSection1"> <div class=""> <div id="yiv3171814372ecxyiv1164589071ecxyiv1087409832AOLMsgPart_2_74bd0b56-b174-4920-9353-6d8f56509d3d" class=""> <div class=""> <div class=""> <div class=""> <table class=" yiv3171814372mceItemTable yiv3171814372ecxyiv1164589071ecxyiv1087409832MsoNormalTable" style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 12pt; width: 100%;" border="0" width="100%" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0"> <tbody class=""> <tr class=""> <td style="width: 100%; padding: 1.5pt;" width="100%" class=""> <div class=""> <div class=""> <div class="yiv3171814372ecxyiv1164589071ecxyiv1087409832MsoNormal"></div><div class="yiv3171814372ecxyiv1164589071ecxyiv1087409832MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 18pt;" class="">A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a lovely date at her parents' home. <br class="">I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant. <br class="">She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Shrimp cocktail. Lobster Patron. Champagne . <br class="">I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?" <br class="">"No," she replied, "but my mother's not expecting a blow job tonight." <br class="">I said "Would you care for a desert?</span> </div> <div class="yiv3171814372ecxyiv1164589071ecxyiv1087409832MsoNormal"></div></div></div></td></tr></tbody></table><font face="Verdana, sans-serif" class=""><span style="font-size: 24px;" class=""><br class=""></span></font></div><div class="yiv3171814372ecxyiv1164589071ecxyiv1087409832MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; color: #010101; font-size: 14pt;" class="">&nbsp;</span> </div> </div> <table class=" yiv3171814372mceItemTable yiv3171814372ecxyiv1164589071ecxyiv1087409832MsoNormalTable" style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 12pt;" border="0" cellpadding="0"> <tbody class=""> <tr class=""> <td style="width: 100%; padding: 0.75pt;" width="100%" class=""> <table class=" yiv3171814372mceItemTable yiv3171814372ecxyiv1164589071ecxyiv1087409832MsoNormalTable" style="width: 100%;" border="0" width="100%" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0"> <tbody class=""> <tr class=""> <td style="width: 100%; padding: 0in;" width="100%" class="">&nbsp;</td> <td style="padding: 0in;" valign="bottom" class=""> <div class="yiv3171814372ecxyiv1164589071ecxyiv1087409832MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;" align="center"> &nbsp; </div> </td> </tr> </tbody> </table> </td> </tr> </tbody> </table> <div class="yiv3171814372ecxyiv1164589071ecxyiv1087409832MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 12pt;"> &nbsp; </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> <div class="" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;"> &nbsp; </div> </div> </div> </td> </tr> <tr class=""> <td id="yiv3171814372INCREDIFOOTER" width="100%" class=""> <table class="yiv3171814372mceItemTable" width="100%" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0"> <tbody class=""> <tr class=""> <td width="100%" class="">&nbsp;</td> <td id="yiv3171814372INCREDISOUND" align="center" valign="bottom" class="">&nbsp;</td> </tr> </tbody> </table> </td> </tr> </tbody> </table> <div id="yiv3171814372fallback" class=""> <table class="yiv3171814372mceItemTable" border="0" width="100%" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0"> <tbody class=""> <tr class=""> <td style="font-size: 10px;" class="">&nbsp;</td> </tr> </tbody> </table> </div> <div id="yiv3171814372pixel" style="line-height: 0; font-size: 0px;" class=""> <img src="http://www2l.incredimail.com/gcontent/stamps/new2011/pixel.gif?upn=1180442950503850013" width="1" height="1" border="0" data-unique-identifier="" class=""> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> <br class=""> <br class=""> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> <div class="default-style" style="font-size: 13pt; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"> <div dir="ltr" class=""> <div dir="ltr" class=""> <div style="font-size: 10pt; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" class=""> <div id="yiv3171814372" class=""> <div class=""> <div class="yiv3171814372moz-forward-container"> &nbsp; </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div><br class=""><div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
<br /><br /><div>His curiosity getting the better of him, the young guy goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
<br /><br /></div><div>The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
<br /><br /></div><div>"But why?" asks the young man.
<br /><br /></div><div>"I'm a Divorce lawyer," the older man replies.</div><div><br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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<br>The art collector replied, &quot;I&#39;ve had an awful day; let&#39;s hear the good news first.&quot;
<br>The lawyer said, &quot;Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right.&quot;
<br>Saul replied enthusiastically, &quot;Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You&#39;ve just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?&quot;
<br>The lawyer replied, &quot;The pictures are of you with your secretary.&quot;<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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<br>
<br> I didn&#39;t think the chiropractor would improve my posture. But I stand corrected.
<br>
<br>I took my new girlfriend out on our first date to the ice rink, and entry was half price. She called me a cheap skate.
<br>
<br>Studies show cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them. It&#39;s a case of in one ear and out the udder.
<br>
<br>I used to date a girl with one leg who worked at a brewery. She was in charge of the hops.
<br>
<br>My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. I found out she was seeing someone on the side.
<br>
<br>My wife claims I&#39;m the cheapest person she&#39;s ever met. I&#39;m not buying it.
<br>
<br>Did you know that a raven has 17 rigid feathers called pinions, while a crow has only 16. The difference between a raven and a crow is just a matter of a pinion.
<br>
<br>I told my carpenter I didn&#39;t want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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src='https://img1.blogblog.com/img/b16-rounded.gif'/></author><thr:total>0</thr:total></entry><entry><id>tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21035462.post-1891381133513284982</id><published>2020-09-22T22:07:00.000-04:00</published><updated>2020-09-22T23:25:59.576-04:00</updated><category scheme="http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#" term="Humor"/><category scheme="http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#" term="Jokes"/><category scheme="http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#" term="Puns"/><category scheme="http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#" term="wordplay"/><title type='text'>Visual WordPlay Collection</title><content type='html'><div><div><div><div class="default-style" style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13pt;">Enjoy!</div> </div> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg37h37LY1CHqJGIiz7tmnjg8KBkuaq3PIqRwtbrlMXbmiFX8AEVvNclCAa5r7vIp6nri8dW2h6mANkZjjf5tSqU0StgvLqVMDsn9-0bPSANDBSjs81J64ol5tPIi_r6iomDvqQdQ/s1600/image046-793174.jpg"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_6875499584922740290" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg37h37LY1CHqJGIiz7tmnjg8KBkuaq3PIqRwtbrlMXbmiFX8AEVvNclCAa5r7vIp6nri8dW2h6mANkZjjf5tSqU0StgvLqVMDsn9-0bPSANDBSjs81J64ol5tPIi_r6iomDvqQdQ/s320/image046-793174.jpg" /></a></div><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjeqwkIeXFldUp4bcYdbPyKFgDRTs6XFolkL_rlnnGlgqknWUSpE4bryxuFsrQiUXHbVcII-s58KKzxdIY9AXJvpsSs3E7i7yAeOCor_SWqNEyPjn2DJJfa9HFzpFixkETerVSlcg/s1600/image047-794194.jpg"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_6875499588312742082" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjeqwkIeXFldUp4bcYdbPyKFgDRTs6XFolkL_rlnnGlgqknWUSpE4bryxuFsrQiUXHbVcII-s58KKzxdIY9AXJvpsSs3E7i7yAeOCor_SWqNEyPjn2DJJfa9HFzpFixkETerVSlcg/s320/image047-794194.jpg" /></a></div><div><a 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font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">I was in a long McDonald's drive-through this morning, and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.</span></div><div dir="ltr"><div style="color:black;font: 10pt arial;"><div style="font-family:arial,helvetica;font-size:10pt;color:black"><div id="yiv0312994429"><div style="color:black;font:10pt arial;"><div class="yiv0312994429ydp42af9c25yiv9531112142msonormal" style="direction: ltr; margin-right: 0in; margin-left: 0in; font-size: 12pt;"><font size="3"><br> <span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size:10pt;color:rgb(38, 40, 42);" class="yiv0312994429"> </span></span></font></div> <div class="yiv0312994429ydp42af9c25yiv9531112142msonormal" style="direction: ltr; margin-right: 0in; margin-left: 0in; font-size: 12pt;"><font size="3"><span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size:10pt;color:rgb(38, 40, 42);" class="yiv0312994429">"Take the high road," I thought to myself.&nbsp; So when I got to the first window, I paid for her order along with my own.</span></span></font></div> <div class="yiv0312994429ydp42af9c25yiv9531112142msonormal" style="direction: ltr; margin-right: 0in; margin-left: 0in; font-size: 12pt;"><font size="3"><span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size:10pt;color:rgb(38, 40, 42);" class="yiv0312994429"><br> </span></span></font></div> <div class="yiv0312994429ydp42af9c25yiv9531112142msonormal" style="direction: ltr; margin-right: 0in; margin-left: 0in; font-size: 12pt;"><font size="3"><span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size:10pt;color:rgb(38, 40, 42);" class="yiv0312994429">The cashier must have told her what I'd done, because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with a kindness.</span></span></font></div> <div class="yiv0312994429ydp42af9c25yiv9531112142msonormal" style="direction: ltr; margin-right: 0in; margin-left: 0in; font-size: 12pt;"><font size="3"><span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size:10pt;color:rgb(38, 40, 42);" class="yiv0312994429"><br> </span></span></font></div> <div class="yiv0312994429ydp42af9c25yiv9531112142msonormal" style="direction: ltr; margin-right: 0in; margin-left: 0in; font-size: 12pt;"><font size="3"><span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size:10pt;color:rgb(38, 40, 42);" class="yiv0312994429">When I got to the second window, I showed them both receipts and took her food too.&nbsp; <br> </span></span></font></div> <div class="yiv0312994429ydp42af9c25yiv9531112142msonormal" style="direction: ltr; margin-right: 0in; margin-left: 0in; font-size: 12pt;"><font size="3"><span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size:10pt;color:rgb(38, 40, 42);" class="yiv0312994429"><br> </span></span></font></div> <div class="yiv0312994429ydp42af9c25yiv9531112142msonormal" style="direction: ltr; margin-right: 0in; margin-left: 0in; font-size: 12pt;"><font size="3"><span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size:10pt;color:rgb(38, 40, 42);" class="yiv0312994429">Now she has to go back to the end of the line and start all over.</span></span></font></div> <div class="yiv0312994429ydp42af9c25yiv9531112142msonormal" style="direction: ltr; margin-right: 0in; margin-left: 0in; font-size: 12pt;"><font size="3"><span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size:10pt;color:rgb(38, 40, 42);" class="yiv0312994429"><br> </span></span></font></div> <div class="yiv0312994429ydp42af9c25yiv9531112142msonormal" style="direction: ltr; margin-right: 0in; margin-left: 0in; font-size: 12pt;"><font size="3"><span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size:10pt;color:rgb(38, 40, 42);" class="yiv0312994429">Don't honk your horn at old people.</span></span></font></div></div></div></div></div></div><blockquote type="cite"><div dir="ltr"><div style="color:black;font: 10pt arial;"><div style="font-family:arial,helvetica;font-size:10pt;color:black"><div id="yiv0312994429"><div style="color:black;font:10pt arial;"> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div></blockquote><div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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<br>
<br> 2. I wasn&#39;t going to get a brain transplant but then I changed my mind.
<br>
<br>3. Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It&#39;s very time consuming.
<br>
<br>4. A man tried to assault me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy!
<br>
<br>5. I&#39;m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can&#39;t put it down.
<br>
<br>6. If there was someone selling marijuana in our neighborhood, weed know about it.
<br>
<br>7. It&#39;s a lengthy article about ancient Japanese sword fighters but I can Sumurais it for you.
<br>
<br>8. It&#39;s not that the man couldn&#39;t juggle, he just didn&#39;t have the balls to do it.
<br>
<br>9. So what if I don&#39;t know the meaning of the word &#39;apocalypse&#39;? It&#39;s not the end of the world.
<br>
<br>10. Police were called to the daycare center. A 3-year old was resisting a rest.
<br>
<br>11. The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.
<br>
<br>12.. Need an ark to save two of every animal? I Noah guy.
<br>
<br>13. Alternative facts are aversion of the truth.
<br>
<br>14. I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
<br>
<br>15. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
<br>
<br>16. Did you know they won&#39;t be making yardsticks any longer?
<br>
<br>17. I used to be allergic to soap but I&#39;m clean now.
<br>
<br>18. The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless.
<br>
<br>19. What did the man say when the bridge fell on him? The suspension is killing me.
<br>
<br>20. Do you have weight loss mantras? Fat chants!
<br>
<br>21. My tailor is happy to make a new pair of pants for me. Or sew it seams.
<br>
<br>22. What is a thesaurus&#39;s favorite dessert? Synonym buns&hellip;
<br>
<br>23. A relief map shows where the restrooms are.
<br>
<br>24. There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal.
<br>
<br>25. How do they figure out the price of hammers? Per pound.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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<b class="">SIMPLE &nbsp;TRUTH 1:</b><br />
<div class="">
- Lovers help each other undress before sex.<br />
- However after sex, they always dress on their own.<br />
- Simple Truth: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.<br />
<br />
<b class="">SIMPLE TRUTH 2:</b>- When a woman is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and&nbsp;say,"Congrats".<br />
- But, none of them touch the man's penis and say, "Good&nbsp;job".<br />
- Simple Truth: Some members of a team are never appreciated.<br />
<br />
<b class="">FIVE OTHER SIMPLE TRUTHS:</b></div>
<div class="">
1. &nbsp;Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to&nbsp;cry in a Bentley than on a bicycle.<br />
2. &nbsp;Forgive your enemy, but remember the asshole's name.<br />
3. &nbsp;If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will&nbsp;remember you when they're in trouble again.<br />
4. &nbsp;Many people are alive only because it's illegal to kill&nbsp;them.<br />
5. &nbsp;Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does&nbsp;milk.<br />
<br />
<b class="">BONUS TRUTH:</b><br />
Condoms don't guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one&nbsp;when he was shot by the woman's husband.<br />
<br class="" />
<br class="" /></div>
<br class="" /></div>
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<br>
<br>So she calls the number and a man says he&#39;ll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He&#39;s got with him a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12-gauge shotgun and a mean looking pit bull terrier.
<br>
<br>&quot;How does this work? What are you going to do with all those?&quot; the homeowner asks.
<br>
<br>&quot;I&#39;m going to put this ladder up against the roof. Then I&#39;m going to go up and I&#39;ll knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat, and when the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to seize it by the testicles and not let go. The bear will gradually become subdued enough for me to lock him up in the cage in the back of the van.&quot;
<br>
<br>Then he hands the shotgun to the homeowner. &quot;What&#39;s the shotgun for?&quot; asks the homeowner.
<br>
<br>&quot;That&#39;s for you. If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.&quot;<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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<br>
<br>He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The man said, &#39;No, I&#39;d like to see something more special.&#39; At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
<br>
<br>&#39;Here&#39;s a stunning ring at only $40,000&#39; the jeweler said.
<br>
<br>The lady&#39;s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, &#39;We&#39;ll take it.&#39;
<br>
<br>The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated,
<br>
<br>&#39;By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I&#39;ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I&#39;ll pick up the ring Monday afternoon.&#39;
<br>
<br>On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said, &#39;There was only $25 in your account.&#39;
<br>
<br>&#39;I know, said the old man, &#39;But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!&#39;<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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<br>
<br>One of them says to the bartender, &quot;&quot;Don&#39;&#39;t mind us; we&#39;re joined at the hip. I&#39;&#39;m John. He&#39;&#39;s Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please.&quot;&quot;
<br>
<br>The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. &quot;&quot;Been on holiday yet, lads?&quot;
<br>
<br>&quot;Off to England next month,&quot;&quot; says John. &quot;&quot;We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don&#39;t we, Jim?&quot;&quot;
<br>
<br>Jim agrees.
<br>
<br>Ah, England!&quot; says the bartender. &quot;&quot;Wonderful country, the history, the beer, the culture!&quot;
<br>
<br>&quot;Nah, we don&#39;t like any of that British crap,&quot;&quot; says John. &quot;&quot;Hamburgers and Molson&#39;s beer, that&#39;&#39;s us, eh Jim? And we can&#39;t stand the English. They&#39;&#39;re so arrogant and rude; almost as bad as the French.&quot;&quot;
<br>
<br>&quot;So why do you keep going to England?&quot;&quot; asks the bartender.
<br>
<br>&quot;&quot;It&#39;s the only chance Jim gets to drive.&quot;&quot;<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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<br>
<br>The woman said she would try her best.
<br>
<br>The woman was asked a week later about how she was getting on.
<br>
<br>&quot;Not bad&quot; said the woman, &quot;I&#39;ve given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, he pulled up my skirt, pulled my knickers to one side and made love to me right then and there.&quot;
<br>
<br>&quot;They don&#39;t like that in heaven&quot;.
<br>
<br>The woman replied: &quot;They&#39;re not too happy about it in Costco either.&quot;<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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<br>
<br>The family still used an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was so hot in the summer, freezing cold in the winter and stank all the time.
<br>
<br>The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy was determined that one day he would push that old outhouse straight into the creek.
<br>
<br>So, one day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen and the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. He found a large pole and started pushing. Finally, after much effort, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.
<br>
<br>That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. The boy knew that meant a spanking, so he asked why.
<br>
<br>The dad replied, &quot;Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn&#39;t it son?&quot;
<br>
<br>The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, &quot;Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn&#39;t get into trouble because he told the truth...&quot;
<br>
<br>The dad replied, &quot;Well, son, George Washington&#39;s father probably wasn&#39;t in the cherry tree.&quot;<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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<br>
<br>A school teacher asked her students to make a sentence containing the expression , &quot;I presume ..... &quot;.
<br>
<br>One little girl held up her hand and said: &quot;Yesterday , my mother hand washed the dinner dishes and I presumed that the dishwasher was broken.&quot;
<br>
<br>&quot;Very good , &quot; said the teacher.
<br>
<br>Another one said: &quot;This morning, my father drove the Volkswagen out of the garage. I presume that the BMW wouldn&#39;t start.&quot;
<br>
<br>&quot;That&#39;s excellent , &quot; says the teacher.
<br>
<br>Little Johnny , at the back of the classroom , gets up and says: &quot;Yesterday , I saw grandpa leave the house with a newspaper under his arm and headed for the bushes . I presume that…….&quot;
<br>
<br>The teacher interrupted him and said, &quot;I stopped you because you have no idea what your grandfather was going to do, so you can&#39;t presume anything.
<br>
<br>Johnny says, &quot;Please , Teacher, let me finish my sentence.&quot;
<br>
<br>The teacher says, &quot;Very well. Continue.&quot;
<br>
<br>&quot;As I was saying, I saw my grandpa heading for the bushes with a newspaper under his arm. I presume he was going to take a shit because he can&#39;t read.&quot;<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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<br>
<br>&quot;I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.&quot;
<br>
<br>&quot;Have you arrested the woman?&quot;
<br>
<br>&quot;Not yet. The floor&#39;s still wet.&quot;<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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<br>&quot;I am not available right now, but
<br>Thank you for caring enough to call.
<br>I am making some changes in my life.
<br>Please leave a message after the
<br>Beep. If I do not return your call,
<br>You are one of the changes.&quot;
<br> ~~~~~
<br>
<br>Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
<br>He shoots his friend and kills him.
<br>Wife says &quot;If you continue to behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends!&quot;
<br> ~~~~~
<br>
<br>My wife and I had words,
<br>But I didn&#39;t get to use mine.
<br> ~~~~~
<br>
<br>Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
<br> ~~~~~
<br>
<br>The irony of life is that, by the time
<br>You&#39;re old enough to know your way around, you&#39;re not going anywhere.
<br> ~~~~~
<br>
<br>I was always taught to respect my elders,
<br>But it keeps getting harder to find one.
<br> ~~~~~
<br>
<br>What&#39;s the difference between stress, tension and panic?
<br>Stress is when your wife is pregnant,
<br>Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and
<br>Panic is when both are pregnant.
<br>
<br>****************************************
<br>
<br>Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?
<br>Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack &amp; our gardener ran away.
<br>
<br>*********************************************************
<br>
<br>A women asks a man who is traveling with six children,
<br>&quot;Are all these kids yours?&quot;
<br>The man replies, &quot;No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints&quot;.
<br>
<br>*********************************************************
<br>
<br>A young boy asks his Dad, &quot;What is the difference between confident and confidential?&quot;
<br>Dad says, &quot;You are my son, I&#39;m confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that&#39;s confidential.&quot;
<br>
<br>*********************************************************
<br>
<br>Nominated as the best short joke this year...
<br>
<br>A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
<br>&quot;Mom&quot; he asked, &quot;are these my brains?&quot;
<br>&quot;Not yet,&quot; she replied.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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<br>
<br>1. Banana
<br>2. Dresser
<br>3. Grammar
<br>4. Potato
<br>5. Revive
<br>6. Uneven
<br>7. Assess
<br>
<br>Are you peeking or have you already given up? Give it another try…. Look at each word carefully. You&#39;ll kick yourself when you discover the answer. No, it is not that they all have at least 2 double letters…. Let me know if you found the answer!
<br>
<br>
<br>
<br>
<br>
<br>
<br>
<br>Answer: In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word. Did you figure it out? No? Then send this to more people and stump them as well. Then, you&#39;ll feel better too.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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<br>
<br>A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled, &quot;I have a .45 Colt with an eight shot clip and I want to know who&#39;s been sleeping with my wife.&quot;
<br>
<br>A voice from the back of the room called out, &quot;You don&#39;t have enough ammo!&quot;<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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