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<title>Billy Ray Cyrus and Elizabeth Hurley Love Story</title>
<link>https://bohiney.com/billy-ray-cyrus-and-elizabeth-hurley-love-story/</link>
<dc:creator><![CDATA[Alan Nafzger]]></dc:creator>
<pubDate>Mon, 28 Apr 2025 16:01:13 +0000</pubDate>
<category><![CDATA[News]]></category>
<guid isPermaLink="false">https://bohiney.com/?p=13868</guid>
<description><![CDATA[Billy Ray Cyrus and Elizabeth Hurley: A Love Story America Didn’t Ask For But Absolutely...
The post <a href="https://bohiney.com/billy-ray-cyrus-and-elizabeth-hurley-love-story/">Billy Ray Cyrus and Elizabeth Hurley Love Story</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bohiney.com">Bohiney News</a>.
]]></description>
<content:encoded><![CDATA[<h2>Billy Ray Cyrus and Elizabeth Hurley: A Love Story America Didn’t Ask For But Absolutely Needed</h2>
<h3>How a Country Icon and a British Goddess Accidentally Invented “Yeehaw Royalty”</h3>
It all started on the glamorous set of Christmas in Paradise-a movie so minor it didn’t even get pirated properly. <a href="https://bohiney.com/billy-ray-cyrus-inauguration-performance-drama/">Billy Ray Cyrus</a> was supposed to just swing by, mumble some lines about palm trees and redemption, and leave. Elizabeth Hurley, on the other hand, was supposed to class up the production by breathing near it.
According to insiders (by which we mean a guy who once delivered catering to the set), there was a moment when their eyes met across a fake snowbank, and the temperature rose eight degrees-despite the air conditioning being set to “Polar Bear Enclosure.”
Billy Ray later said, “We did maybe three scenes together, but that’s all it took. I knew she wasn’t just another lady who accidentally stumbled onto my property looking for a gas station.”
Elizabeth Hurley, when asked, said only, “I found his mullet oddly compelling. Like a very tired lion.”
Thus began a connection so improbable, country radio immediately wrote a song about it called “Achy Breaky Hurley.”
<h2>When Text Messages Became the New Horse and Carriage</h2>
Early 2025 found Billy Ray in a bad place: mid-divorce, slightly feral, and arguing with <a href="https://bohiney.com/sassy-assistants-how-smart-devices-got-too-much-attitude/">Alexa</a> about whose fault it was that the TV kept playing <a href="https://bohiney.com/jennifer-aniston-proven-the-cause-of-obama-divorce/">Friends</a> reruns. In swooped Elizabeth Hurley, with a text message so pure it could only have been written while sipping imported elderflower tea.
“Hey there, cowboy. Heard life’s kicking your ass. I have a spare bottle of gin and no particular sense of judgment. Call me?”
Billy Ray initially thought it was a phishing scam. He famously told a Nashville radio station, “I figured either it was Elizabeth Hurley, or some bot from Kazakhstan who wanted me to wire $5,000.” He almost blocked her before his dog, Old Whiskey, barked twice-interpreted as “You moron, text her back.”
Country stars rely heavily on canine intuition. It’s <a href="https://bohiney.com/breaking-man-shocked-to-learn-his-opinion-isnt-a-scientific-fact/">science</a>.
<h2>Their First Date: Denim, Whiskey, and Confused Llamas</h2>
The first date, according to anonymous witnesses (read: nosy neighbors), involved Billy Ray driving Elizabeth to his Tennessee ranch in a Ford F-150 so lifted it required a Sherpa to climb into.
Sources say she arrived dressed for a Southern adventure: leather jacket, jeans, and a slight, confused squint. Billy Ray, naturally, wore head-to-toe denim, sunglasses so big they had their own <a href="https://bohiney.com/protester-falls-from-cliff-while-displaying-upside-down-american-flag-at-yosemite/">gravity</a>, and a belt buckle visible from <a href="https://bohiney.com/the-future-of-nfl-and-netflix/">space</a>.
Activities included:
<ul>
<li>Introducing her to his prized rooster, Colonel Sanders Jr.</li>
<li>Attempting to teach her line dancing (she British-curtsied instead).</li>
<li>Drinking homemade whiskey labeled only with a skull and crossbones.</li>
<li><a href="https://bohiney.com/sag-bans-botox/">Laughing</a> for four straight hours when Elizabeth called a squirrel “a charming woodland sprite.”</li>
</ul>
Their romantic dinner was at a Cracker Barrel, where Billy Ray ordered chicken-fried steak and Elizabeth attempted to understand what “grits” were by sniffing them suspiciously.
<h2>First Intimate Encounter: Nature Was Watching</h2>
It wasn’t the candlelight. It wasn’t the crickets. It wasn’t even the smooth <a href="https://bohiney.com/dallass-deep-ellum-club-dada/">jazz</a> playlist titled “Country Lovin’ Vibes 4 U.”
It was the squirrel. The same squirrel Elizabeth had called “charming” earlier in the evening, now perched outside the bedroom window, chewing a nut while maintaining aggressive eye contact.
Witnesses reported that Billy Ray heroically shooed it away with a broom, proving once and for all that even the fiercest country boys still lose bedroom battles to wildlife.
Despite the interruption, the two reportedly sealed the deal. Elizabeth later told friends, “There’s something uniquely thrilling about hearing a banjo solo mid-coitus.”
Billy Ray told a buddy at a bar, “Brother, if lovin’ a woman while the soundtrack is raccoons fighting under the porch ain’t country, I don’t know what is.”
<h2>Public Confirmation: Easter Was Never the Same</h2>
The world found out about this unlikely <a href="https://bohiney.com/gymnastic-feats-and-bedroom-treats/">romance</a> on Easter Sunday 2025, when Billy Ray posted a photo kissing Elizabeth on the cheek, captioned: “He is Risen. And so am I.”
The nation, confused but supportive, immediately responded with a trending hashtag: #HolyYeehaw.
Religious scholars debated if this was the greatest Easter miracle since the original Easter. Pastor Jerry McPherson of the First Baptist Church of Murfreesboro said, “Jesus rolled back the stone. Billy Ray rolled back his loneliness. Both are pretty inspiring.”
The <a href="https://bohiney.com/misadventures-of-lost-olympians/">Vatican</a> declined to comment.
<h2>The Love Story the Experts Didn’t Predict (But Should Have)</h2>
Sociologists at the University of <a href="https://bohiney.com/state-gives-farm-permit-to-build-12500-head-dairy/">North Dakota</a> quickly studied the phenomenon. Dr. Tammy Lardner concluded, “Statistically, a British goddess <a href="https://bohiney.com/the-manosphere-is-the-mainstream/">dating</a> a <a href="https://bohiney.com/iranian-drones-take-a-detour-to-new-jersey-skipping-texas/">country music</a> icon was less likely than being struck by a meteor filled with <a href="https://bohiney.com/the-fda-banned-red-3-food-coloring/">Skittles</a>.”
Meanwhile, a <a href="https://bohiney.com/pope-francis-declares-legacy-media-causes-brain-rot/">CNN</a> poll found that 61% of Americans were “cautiously supportive” of the relationship, while 23% thought it was “an elaborate April Fool’s joke gone too far,” and 16% asked, “Wait, who are these people?”
<h2>What the Funny People Are Saying</h2>
“This romance feels like someone dared <a href="https://bohiney.com/ai-now-generating-laws-congress-declares-itself-non-essential/">AI</a> to write a fanfiction after taking too much NyQuil.” – <a href="https://bohiney.com/jerry-seinfeld-says-tv-comedy-is-being-killed-by-the-extreme-left-and-p-c-crap/">Jerry Seinfeld</a>
“Billy Ray finally found someone who loves him for who he is… and not just for his collection of snakeskin boots.” – Ron <a href="https://bohiney.com/wine-not-the-athletes-guide-to-parisian-pubs/">White</a>
“If this ends with a duet called ‘Achy Breaky <a href="https://bohiney.com/donald-trump-the-apprentice-of-british-immigration-policies/">Brexit</a>,’ I’m personally funding the Grammy campaign.” – <a href="https://bohiney.com/trumps-victory-and-the-return-of-masculinity/">Amy Schumer</a>
“It’s beautiful. It’s inspiring. It’s proof that no matter how weird your <a href="https://bohiney.com/david-muirs-narcissistic-fashion-moves-while-covering-la-wildfires/">hair</a> gets, <a href="https://bohiney.com/gen-z-and-millennials-have-redefined-sustainable/">love</a> is still possible.” – <a href="https://bohiney.com/meta-ends-fact-checking-program/">Larry David</a>
<h2>Hurley Embracing the Southern Lifestyle (Or Trying To)</h2>
Since coupling up, Elizabeth Hurley has reportedly:
<ul>
<li>Tried boiled peanuts. Cried a little.</li>
<li>Bought a rhinestone-studded cowboy hat and immediately regretted it.</li>
<li>Learned to drive a tractor. Crashed it into Billy Ray’s gazebo.</li>
<li>Watched Smokey and the Bandit five times and still thought Burt Reynolds was “the sheriff.”</li>
<li>Referred to possums as “darling dragon rats.”</li>
</ul>
Billy Ray, for his part, attempted to return the favor by trying Earl Grey tea and immediately spit it out, shouting, “Tastes like sadness!”
<h2>The Hurley-Cyrus Power Couple Future</h2>
Friends of the couple are reportedly worried about their influence spreading. One Nashville insider joked, “At this rate, we’ll have Shakespeare in overalls by <a href="https://bohiney.com/ken-martins-magical-mystery-tour/">Labor</a> Day.”
Already, rumors swirl of a collaborative project: Country Gentlewoman, a half-country, half-Victorian-themed album featuring banjo solos and monologues about manners.
The lead single? “Bless Your Heart, Lady Hastings.”
<h2>Relationship Experts Weigh In (Poorly)</h2>
Self-proclaimed relationship guru Dr. Rick “Love Cowboy” Dennison, who operates a therapy booth out of a Bass Pro Shop, commented: “Billy Ray and Liz are the dream team. She brings refinement. He brings roadkill recipes. Together, they’re unstoppable.”
A psychologist from Oxford countered, “It’s less a relationship and more a sociological experiment conducted without adult supervision.”
<h2>The Inevitable Reality TV Deal</h2>
Sources close to Bravo confirm <a href="https://bohiney.com/hamass-hilarious-reasons-for-refusing-the-peace-deal/">negotiations</a> are underway for a reality series tentatively titled:
Hurley Burley: Love, Denim, and Slight <a href="https://bohiney.com/welcome-to-the-internets-echo-chamber/">Cultural</a> Misunderstandings
Episode titles include:
<ul>
<li>“Tea Time and Tractor Pulls”</li>
<li>“Grits and Glamour”</li>
<li>“Achy Breaky Etiquette Class”</li>
</ul>
One leaked script involves Elizabeth teaching Billy Ray how to use the word “fortnight” correctly, while Billy Ray tries to teach her to “yee” before she “haw”s.
<h2>What the Eye-Witnesses Say</h2>
Cracker Barrel waitress Jolene Whitmore said, “They were adorable. She ordered a salad. He ordered the meatloaf. They ended up sharing the biscuit basket like it was the last supper.”
A ranch hand at Billy Ray’s estate claimed, “They went horseback riding. She screamed ‘pip pip!’ and he screamed ‘Yeehaw!’ The horses are still confused.”
The squirrel declined to comment but looked traumatized.
<h2>The Social Media Reaction</h2>
<a href="https://bohiney.com/these-billionaires-could-buy-tiktok/">TikTok</a> exploded with parodies:
<ul>
<li>A viral video of a guy in a mullet and tiara re-enacting their courtship, titled “Achy Breaky Lizzie.”</li>
<li>A British influencer earnestly trying to eat grits without crying, captioned “What Hurley Endures for Love.”</li>
<li>A southern mom teaching her daughter how to “curtsy and holler at the same time.”</li>
</ul>
<a href="https://bohiney.com/trump-vs-harris-debate/">Twitter</a>, of course, was less kind. One viral post read: “If Billy Ray Cyrus can bag Elizabeth Hurley, there’s hope for all of us. Even you, Kyle who smells like vape pens and regret.”
<h2>How This Changes Everything (And Nothing)</h2>
Experts agree: this romance marks a new age of cross-cultural love stories.
“America has imported many fine things from Britain-The Beatles, tea, self-loathing <a href="https://bohiney.com/how-a-socialist-football-coach-shook-up-the-race-for-vp/">humor</a>,” said <a href="https://bohiney.com/area-cow-declared-professor-at-msu-after-winning-popularity-contest/">Professor</a> Minnie Jacks of Vanderbilt. “Now we’ve imported Elizabeth Hurley to elevate our mullets. God save the denim.”
Yet, some warn this could spark unintended consequences, such as:
<ul>
<li>British actors thinking they should star in country music videos.</li>
<li>Southern truck commercials narrated in posh British <a href="https://bohiney.com/ai-misunderstands-some-peoples-words-more-than-others/">accents</a>.</li>
<li><a href="https://bohiney.com/2025-the-daytona-500/">NASCAR</a> races featuring tea breaks.</li>
</ul>
<h2>The Coming Backlash</h2>
Not everyone’s thrilled.
One <a href="https://bohiney.com/mark-zuckerbergs-libertarian-awakening/">Facebook</a> group called “REAL AMERICANS FOR REAL COUNTRY” (membership: 37) has pledged to boycott Billy Ray’s music unless he promises “not to turn into a tea-sipping fancy boy.”
Meanwhile, in Britain, tabloids fret that Hurley might “become alarmingly fond of biscuits and gravy, threatening the integrity of afternoon tea for generations to come.”
<h2>In Conclusion: Love Conquers All (Including Good Judgment)</h2>
Sure, on paper, a mulleted country crooner and a British supermodel shouldn’t work. But love isn’t logical. Love is messy, weird, poorly dressed, and usually involves at least one incident with a goat.
And honestly, in a world this crazy, if Billy Ray Cyrus and Elizabeth Hurley can find happiness together-while raccoons wrestle under the porch and squirrels peep through the window-maybe there’s hope for the rest of us.
Maybe love doesn’t care if you prefer whiskey to <a href="https://bohiney.com/science-behind-how-alcohol-affects-your-health/">wine</a>. Maybe love doesn’t care if you think “football” means <a href="https://bohiney.com/taylor-swift-and-travis-kelce/">touchdowns</a> or goalposts.
Maybe-just maybe-love just wants you to say “yee-haw” with a British accent.
<a href="https://bohiney.com/sex-in-the-olympic-village/">Auf Wiedersehen</a>, y’all.
<hr />
<hr />
<figure id="attachment_13870" aria-describedby="caption-attachment-13870" style="width: 1024px" class="wp-caption aligncenter"><img fetchpriority="high" decoding="async" src="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-MAGAZINE-Billy-Ray-Cyrus-and-Elizabeth-Hurley-Love-Story-1.-.jpg" alt="BOHINEY MAGAZINE - Billy Ray Cyrus and Elizabeth Hurley Love Story (1)... -" width="1024" height="768" /><figcaption id="caption-attachment-13870" class="wp-caption-text"><a href="https://bohiney.com/bohiney-meaning/">BOHINEY</a> MAGAZINE – Billy Ray Cyrus and Elizabeth Hurley Love Story… –</figcaption></figure>
<h2>16 Observations on the Billy Ray Cyrus and Elizabeth Hurley Love Story</h2>
<h3>The Set of Christmas in Paradise Was Apparently a Dating App</h3>
Who knew Christmas in Paradise was less about Christmas and more about finding someone to jingle your bells? Billy Ray Cyrus thought he was filming a scene-turns out, he was filming his eHarmony commercial.
<h3>The Chemistry Was So Good, Scientists Are Still Studying It</h3>
According to Billy Ray, they only had “a couple scenes together,” but somehow that was enough. Meanwhile, actual couples who live together for 30 years are still debating about where to put the TV remote.
<h3>Elizabeth Hurley Slid Into Billy Ray’s Texts Like a Smooth Criminal</h3>
Imagine getting a random “I’m in your corner” text…from Elizabeth Hurley. Most guys get spam texts from “Linda, your <a href="https://bohiney.com/tesla-to-eclipse-tech-titans-with-robot-army/">Amazon</a> package is delayed.” Billy Ray got an actual British bombshell.
<h3>Billy Ray Thought It Was a Spam Text…for a Second</h3>
Reportedly, Billy Ray stared at the message for an hour thinking, “This has got to be a phishing scam. Ain’t no way Elizabeth Hurley needs me.” Then he realized: nah, he’s just that lucky.
<h3>Easter Sunday Is the New Valentine’s Day</h3>
They confirmed the relationship on Easter. Nothing says resurrection like Billy Ray’s love life rising from the ashes of a country song.
<h3>Elizabeth Hurley Saw “Achy Breaky Heart” and Thought: “Challenge Accepted.”</h3>
Women love a fixer-upper. Elizabeth Hurley looked at Billy Ray like a half-broken rocking chair at a vintage market and said, “I can work with this.”
<h3>Billy Ray Took Her to Tennessee to “Experience Nature,” aka “Show Her His Tractor”</h3>
City girls dream of <a href="https://bohiney.com/gymnasts-vs-mimes/">Paris</a>. Elizabeth Hurley got a tour of Billy Ray’s ranch, complete with a ride on a four-wheeler and a suspiciously aggressive llama.
<h3>Their First Date Had 98% More Denim Than Is Scientifically Recommended</h3>
You know the first date involved at least one double-denim outfit. Billy Ray probably showed up in a Canadian <a href="https://bohiney.com/james-bond-casting-saga/">tuxedo</a>, and Elizabeth politely pretended it was very avant-garde.
<h3>Elizabeth Hurley Went Full Method Acting</h3>
Hurley didn’t just date Billy Ray. She became country. Reports say she’s now legally obligated to say “y’all” before any major verb.
<h3>Billy Ray Showed Her His Favorite Love Songs…and 12 Were Just “Achy Breaky Heart” Again</h3>
Billy Ray made her a playlist. It’s just Achy Breaky Heart on repeat, but he promised, “Each listen, you’ll hear new emotions.”
<h3>The First Kiss Was Sponsored by Cracker Barrel</h3>
Somewhere between the fried catfish platter and the rocking chairs out front, it happened: the first kiss. Witnesses say it tasted like cornbread and regret.
<h3>A British Accent Makes Even a Tractor Sound Sexy</h3>
Elizabeth reportedly said, “Oh darling, what marvelous machinery” while sitting on a rusty John Deere. Billy Ray immediately bought her a pink cowboy hat.
<h3>Their First Intimate Moment Involved a Squirrel Watching</h3>
Nature isn’t always discreet. Their first romantic night was apparently interrupted by a family of squirrels-who now refuse to leave Billy Ray’s porch because they’ve “seen some things.”
<h3>Billy Ray’s Dog Was the Ultimate Third Wheel</h3>
Nothing kills the mood faster than a hound dog sitting three feet away, judging you with those “y’all better not” eyes.
<h3>Elizabeth Brought British Sophistication…Billy Ray Brought a Banjo</h3>
It’s like Downton Abbey meets Duck Dynasty. Every time she pours tea, he <a href="https://bohiney.com/self-driving-cars-demand-union-rights-threaten-to-strike/">strikes</a> a G-chord. Romance!
<h3>Somewhere, Miley Is Just Trying Not to Gag</h3>
You just know Miley Cyrus read the <a href="https://bohiney.com/silicon-valley-is-sick-and-tired-of-its-marxist-employees/">Instagram</a> post, sighed heavily, and muttered, “Good for them, I guess,” while Googling “British intervention services.”
<hr />
The post <a href="https://bohiney.com/billy-ray-cyrus-and-elizabeth-hurley-love-story/">Billy Ray Cyrus and Elizabeth Hurley Love Story</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bohiney.com">Bohiney News</a>.
]]></content:encoded>
<media:content url="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-MAGAZINE-Billy-Ray-Cyrus-and-Elizabeth-Hurley-Love-Story-2.-.jpg" medium="image"></media:content>
</item>
<item>
<title>GrifterCon: Grifter Convention</title>
<link>https://bohiney.com/griftercon-grifter-convention/</link>
<dc:creator><![CDATA[Alan Nafzger]]></dc:creator>
<pubDate>Mon, 28 Apr 2025 13:29:09 +0000</pubDate>
<category><![CDATA[Business]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[Culture]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[anna delvey griftcon]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[billy mcfarland griftcon]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[griftcon 2025]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[griftcon las vegas]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[griftcon schedule 2025]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[griftcon speakers 2025]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[grifter convention 2025]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[grifter festival las vegas]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[grifting masterclass las vegas]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[influencer scam convention]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[las vegas scam conference]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[sam bankman-fried griftcon]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[scam artist convention]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[scammer expo 2025]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[world’s largest grifter convention]]></category>
<guid isPermaLink="false">https://bohiney.com/?p=13839</guid>
<description><![CDATA[GrifterCon 2025: Las Vegas Hosts the Greatest Collection of Liars Ever Assembled By Bohiney.com Staff...
The post <a href="https://bohiney.com/griftercon-grifter-convention/">GrifterCon: Grifter Convention</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bohiney.com">Bohiney News</a>.
]]></description>
<content:encoded><![CDATA[<h2>GrifterCon 2025: Las Vegas Hosts the Greatest Collection of Liars Ever Assembled</h2>
By <a href="https://bohiney.com/gymnasts-vs-mimes/">Bohiney.com</a> Staff (Certified 127% Funnier Than <a class="lar-automated-link" href="https://bohiney.com/the-onion/" 11402 target="_blank">The Onion</a>)
<hr>
<h2>Welcome to GrifterCon 2025: Where Lies Meet Luxury</h2>
In a world where <a href="https://bohiney.com/can-america-finally-admit-the-truth/">truth</a> is negotiable and reality is just a poorly moderated group chat, it was only a matter of time before humanity’s most underappreciated industry-grifting-got its own flagship event.
Enter <a href="https://bohiney.com/griftercon-grifter-convention/">GrifterCon 2025</a>, held at the prestigious Luxor Hotel in <a href="https://bohiney.com/trump-signs-las-vegas-comedy-contract/">Las Vegas</a>, because no city better understands the spiritual connection between slot machines and snake oil.
Three days.Seventy-seven panels.Over 8,000 <a href="https://bohiney.com/jim-waldens-mayoral-run/">grifters</a>, hucksters, <a href="https://bohiney.com/covid-fraud-hearings/">fraudsters</a>, scammers, influencers, <a href="https://bohiney.com/president-biden-announces-plan-to-cut-national-debt-by-turning-it-into-an-nft/">crypto</a> bros, MLM queens, self-help gurus, fake doctors, ghostwriters of fake memoirs, professional <a href="https://bohiney.com/the-manosphere-is-the-mainstream/">dating</a> app catfishers, spiritual scammers, and at least four guys who think they <a href="https://bohiney.com/invented-truth/">invented</a> the word “synergy.”
It was a stunning success.Mainly because no one asked for refunds…because no one could find the refund booth…because it didn’t exist.
<h2>What Happens at GrifterCon…Usually Winds Up on TikTok</h2>
Before you could even get into the event, you had to pay a $249 “mandatory authenticity fee” – cash only, no receipt.
Inside, the GrifterCon Expo Center featured booths like:
<ul>
<li>CryptoKidz: teaching toddlers how to launch Ponzi schemes before they learn subtraction.</li>
<li>Theranos Tribute Lounge: free <a href="https://bohiney.com/science-behind-how-alcohol-affects-your-health/">wine</a> samples served in Elizabeth Holmes-themed shot glasses.</li>
<li>Fake Degree University: hand-signed PhDs from imaginary colleges for $50 (or $75 if you want a frame that smells like Ivy League).</li>
</ul>
Keynote speaker Billy McFarland kicked off the <a href="https://bohiney.com/olympians-given-condoms-in-paris/">opening ceremony</a>, stepping onto the stage wearing a “Fyre 2.0″ hoodie and announcing,”This time, I swear there will be sandwiches.”
<h2>What the Funny People Are Saying</h2>
“GrifterCon is basically Coachella, but for people who think <a href="https://bohiney.com/gen-z-and-millennials-have-redefined-sustainable/">ethics</a> are for beta males.” – Ron <a href="https://bohiney.com/wine-not-the-athletes-guide-to-parisian-pubs/">White</a>
“I wanted to buy a T-shirt at GrifterCon, but they only sold invisible NFTs of the T-shirts for $500.” – <a href="https://bohiney.com/jerry-seinfeld-says-tv-comedy-is-being-killed-by-the-extreme-left-and-p-c-crap/">Jerry Seinfeld</a>
“GrifterCon is where your Uber driver tries to sell you an MLM scheme before he even drops you off.” – <a href="https://bohiney.com/10-things-frugal-people-never-spend-money-on/">Sarah Silverman</a>
<h2>Meet the Stars of GrifterCon 2025</h2>
Anna Delvey hosted a MasterClass titled “Luxury Lies: How to Get a Penthouse You Can’t Afford.” It ended with a ceremonial unpaid bar tab.
Luigi Mangione held a workshop on how to pitch a startup so convincingly that VCs don’t notice it’s literally just a pizza <a href="https://bohiney.com/buying-happiness-online-does-free-shipping-include-joy/">cart</a> with a Bluetooth speaker.
Sam Bankman-Fried’s Cousin (allegedly) gave a surprise session: “Crypto Isn’t Dead-It’s Just Hiding in the Caymans.”
Even a 9-year-old influencer named “Lil’ Hustla” was there, offering courses on “Monetizing Other People’s Trauma” for $799 a seat.
It was a full-service operation.Need a sob story to sell bad t-shirts? There’s a seminar for that.Need fake testimonials for your ‘revolutionary’ <a href="https://bohiney.com/sleep-optimization/">sleep</a> app? Covered.Need 5,000 fake followers named “HotGirlNashville93”? No problem-cash preferred.
<h2>Public Reaction: Americans Rate GrifterCon Higher Than The Super Bowl</h2>
According to a flash survey by Pew <a href="https://bohiney.com/procrastination-study/">Research</a>:
<ul>
<li>73% of attendees said GrifterCon was “the most inspiring event of my life.”</li>
<li>81% said they learned at least three new ways to lie without blinking.</li>
<li>67% said they had “already sold a course about attending GrifterCon” before even leaving the venue.</li>
</ul>
One attendee, decked out in Gucci knockoffs and genuine counterfeit Yeezys, gushed:”It’s so refreshing to be among my people. No judgment, just dreams…and fake bank statements.”
<h2>How GrifterCon Helped the Las Vegas Economy</h2>
City officials declared GrifterCon an economic success, bringing in an estimated $84 million-although $79 million of that came from inflated room service charges like:
<ul>
<li>$112 for “artisanal <a href="https://bohiney.com/chicagos-deportation-drama/">ice</a> cubes”</li>
<li>$79 for “inspirational air” pumped into the hotel gym</li>
<li>$400 for a “VIP Non-Existent View” upgrade</li>
</ul>
Local businesses embraced the spirit. Casinos ran side bets on how many scams could happen per minute. Taxi drivers offered “authentic crypto wallet tours” where you saw nothing but paid $199.
One Uber driver, Tony “T-Bone” Valenzuela, told <a href="https://bohiney.com/breaking-news-reporters-are-stupid/">reporters</a>,”I made more in fake surcharges this weekend than I made driving all of 2024. God bless <a href="https://bohiney.com/europe-unanimously-agrees/">America</a>.”
<h2>Personal Stories: Triumphs of the Unethical Spirit</h2>
<ul>
<li>Veronica, 26: Sold fake luxury handbags in the lobby using only a smile and a broken iPad.”I cleared $18,000 before noon and only got chased by <a href="https://bohiney.com/iranian-drones-take-a-detour-to-new-jersey-skipping-texas/">security</a> twice!”</li>
<li>Jaxson, 32: Created a fake <a href="https://bohiney.com/dating-app-apocalypse/">dating app</a> promising soulmates for $99. His “app” was literally just a chatbot that texted “U up?” every night at 2 AM.”Three lawsuits pending, but also 200 matches!”</li>
<li>Delilah, 44: Signed up 15 people for a nonexistent <a href="https://bohiney.com/the-new-power-of-mma/">meditation</a> retreat.”I feel so spiritually fulfilled now that I have $37,000 in deposits and no overhead.”</li>
</ul>
<h2>Expert Testimony: The Future Belongs to the Fraudulent</h2>
Dr. Cassie Winger, <a href="https://bohiney.com/area-cow-declared-professor-at-msu-after-winning-popularity-contest/">Professor</a> of Applied Chicanery at Stanford’s new School of Opportunistic Studies, remarked:”We’re witnessing the professionalization of deception. In 2030, résumés will just be vibe checks. Interviews will be replaced with <a href="https://bohiney.com/silicon-valley-is-sick-and-tired-of-its-marxist-employees/">Instagram</a> Reels.”
She predicted that future GrifterCons will be even bigger, possibly merging with CES to form:GriCES – The Consumer Electronics and Lies Expo.
<h2>Trace Evidence: Milestones in American Grifting</h2>
<ul>
<li>1800s: Snake oil salesmen sweep the frontier.</li>
<li>1920s: Ponzi schemes invent themselves.</li>
<li><a href="https://bohiney.com/elon-musks-brain/">1970s</a>: Pyramid schemes replace family trees at Thanksgiving.</li>
<li>2025: GrifterCon becomes the first event bigger than Coachella and Comic-Con combined.</li>
</ul>
Dr. Linda Zukowski, returning for commentary, said,”Grifting is no longer subculture. It’s mainstream. It’s the logical conclusion of late-stage <a href="https://bohiney.com/elon-musks-fight-with-starmer/">capitalism</a> plus bad Wi-Fi.”
<h2>Cause and Effect: Why Grifting Became the New American Dream</h2>
It’s simple:
<ul>
<li>Hard work = exhausting.</li>
<li>Talent = rare.</li>
<li>Honesty = boring.</li>
</ul>
But a well-timed fake motivational quote posted over a sunset background?That = six-figure passive income.
According to a new Gallup poll, 62% of Americans under 35 would “strongly consider” launching a grift “if it came with a decent branding package and pre-written inspirational tweets.”
<h2>Analogies That Stab You Right in the Soul</h2>
<ul>
<li>GrifterCon is to <a href="https://bohiney.com/scientists-confirm-the-more-meetings-the-less-work-gets-done/">business</a> conferences what <a href="https://bohiney.com/god-made-taco-bell/">Taco Bell</a> is to Michelin dining.</li>
<li>Billy McFarland is to ethics what Chernobyl is to <a href="https://bohiney.com/who-and-what-is-behind-wrecking-our-food-supply/">green energy</a>.</li>
<li>Buying a GrifterCon VIP pass is like paying extra to lose your wallet faster.</li>
</ul>
<h2>Diversity and Inclusion: Fraud for All!</h2>
GrifterCon made sure to showcase an array of fraudsters:
<ul>
<li>Women in Wellness Grifting</li>
<li>BIPOC Crypto Influencer Panels</li>
<li>LGBTQIA+ Multi-Level Marketing Meetups</li>
</ul>
<a href="https://bohiney.com/harvey-weinstein-the-real-victim/">Fraud</a> is finally intersectional.
One proud attendee remarked,”No matter your race, gender, or <a href="https://bohiney.com/transgender-senator-outraged/">pronouns</a>, anyone can sell imaginary vitamins to desperate moms. Representation matters!”
<h2>Validation: The Awards Ceremony</h2>
GrifterCon’s closing <a href="https://bohiney.com/donald-j-trumps-inaugural-address-leaked-to-the-press/">ceremony</a> included the highly prestigious:
<ul>
<li>Golden Ponzi Award (Best Overall Scam)</li>
<li>Silver Pyramid Award (Best Multilevel Marketing Hustle)</li>
<li>Bronze Shady Award (Best <a href="https://bohiney.com/7-ways-intelligent-introverts-see-the-world-differently/">Disappearing Act</a>)</li>
</ul>
Billy McFarland graciously accepted the Lifetime Grift Achievement Award while crying into a sponsored Fiji water bottle.
Anna Delvey lost “Best Social Climber” only because she demanded a real trophy and then refused to pay the shipping fee.
<h2>Actionable Advice: How You Too Can Grift Like a Pro</h2>
<ul>
<li>Always wear expensive-looking shoes.</li>
<li>Never explain too much. <a href="https://bohiney.com/strength-connected-to-sexual-behavior/">Confidence</a> > Coherence.</li>
<li>If you get caught, immediately start a <a href="https://bohiney.com/chuck-todd-celebrates-500-followers/">podcast</a> called “Lessons Learned.”</li>
<li>Never apologize-pivot!</li>
</ul>
Workshop bonus tip: Crying on camera increases crowdfunding success by 64%, according to Dr. Fizzle’s behavioral grift study.
<h2>Growth Mindset: Scamming as Self-Improvement</h2>
Each failed con is not a mistake. It’s a pivot.Each <a href="https://bohiney.com/ford-sues-restoration-company-for-making-new-broncos-look-old/">lawsuit</a> is not a defeat. It’s a networking opportunity.
GrifterCon taught the fundamental life truth: You’re only ever one <a href="https://bohiney.com/hooters-bankruptcy/">bankruptcy</a> away from a memoir deal.
Attendees were encouraged to “fail upward” and “manifest scams so audacious the universe just accepts them.”
<h2 class="" data-start="163" data-end="245">Nigerian Grifters Book Out Vegas’ Ebony Sands Resort & Casino for GriftCon 2025</h2>
In a move hailed as “both historic and deeply ironic,” a delegation of Nigerian princes, <a href="https://bohiney.com/local-man-wins-lottery-still-cant-afford-rent/">lottery</a> winners, and urgent-email specialists has officially booked out the most African American-owned hotel in Las Vegas for <a href="https://bohiney.com/hollywood-brawls-over-scammers-script/">GriftCon 2025</a>.
The Ebony Sands Resort & Casino, famous for hosting NAACP galas and Juneteenth celebrations, was reportedly “enthusiastically hijacked” after receiving an email that began: “Greetings! You have been chosen to host destiny and generational wealth!”
Management, assuming it was just another Democratic fundraiser, immediately clicked “Accept.” Contracts were signed. Deposits were wired—from offshore accounts—complete with promises of “investment opportunities beyond imagination.”
By the time they realized the guests were the global grifting elite — complete with satin sashes reading “#1 Email Warrior” — it was too late.
Eyewitnesses say the lobby is now filled with tables selling fake <a href="https://bohiney.com/trumps-establish-280-trillion-bitcoin-reserve/">Bitcoin</a>, <a href="https://bohiney.com/tulsi-gabbard/">love</a> potions, and investment schemes called “Future Ice Money.”
Said one hotel employee, “Honestly, I’m not even mad. These dudes paid in advance…in crypto, in cash, and in motivational speeches about abundance.”
One Nigerian organizer, Prince Obi (real title: unclear), stated, “America taught the world to hustle. We simply took notes, made PowerPoints, and emailed them back to you.”
GriftCon officials praised the partnership as “the perfect symbol of cross-cultural grifting excellence,” promising to add a seminar called “Emails That Launch Empires” to the GriftCon 2025 schedule.
<h2>Conclusion: GrifterCon Is America’s Truest Celebration</h2>
Forget Super Bowls. Forget State Fairs.GrifterCon is the soul of the 21st century.
We don’t admire courage anymore.We admire chutzpah.We don’t reward sacrifice.We reward spin.
In America today, you’re not a fraud if you can convince enough people you’re a founder.
And if you fail?Just throw a <a href="https://bohiney.com/these-billionaires-could-buy-tiktok/">TikTok</a> <a href="https://bohiney.com/hakeem-jeffries-calls-for-democrats-to-fornicate-in-the-streets/">apology</a> tour.Billy McFarland already has a coupon code.
<a href="https://bohiney.com/sex-in-the-olympic-village/">Auf Wiedersehen</a>!
<hr>
<h2>Disclaimer</h2>
This story is a proud collaboration between two real humans – a cowboy and a farmer – using nothing but pure <a href="https://bohiney.com/mark-twains-satire/">wit</a>, old-fashioned cynicism, and several mugs of bad coffee. No <a href="https://bohiney.com/Sam-grifter-convention/">AI grifting was involved</a>, though several <a href="https://bohiney.com/teens-say-theyre-using-chatgpt-for-schoolwork/">ChatGPT</a> clones did attempt to charge us $9.99 for advice we already knew.
<hr>
<hr>
<h2>Here’s What Is Scheduled for GrifterCon 2025…</h2>
<ul>
<li>The Wi-Fi password at GrifterCon will be sold separately – $150 per device – because nothing says “networking” like literal extortion.</li>
<li>There will be a “VIP Platinum Lounge” experience. It’s just a janitor’s closet with a free copy of Rich Dad, Poor Dad duct-taped to <a href="https://bohiney.com/the-holy-smackdown-tom-homan-vs-the-pope/">the wall</a>.</li>
<li>The conference badges will be NFTs, but they’ll vanish from your crypto wallet two hours after check-in – for “environmental reasons.”</li>
<li>A dating app exclusively for grifters, “Tinderbox,” will launch during the weekend. Motto: “Find someone who scams as hard as you do.”</li>
<li>Keynote speaker Elizabeth Holmes (appearing via hologram from prison) will explain how to fake a blood test and a brand identity simultaneously.</li>
<li>The welcome bags will contain expired Groupon coupons, a knockoff Rolex, and an inspirational quote that’s just “LIE BIGGER” in Comic Sans.</li>
<li>An investment booth called “MarsCoin: The First Interplanetary Ponzi” will offer lifetime returns once <a href="https://bohiney.com/top-10-weird-business-leaders-in-history/">Elon Musk</a> colonizes <a href="https://bohiney.com/6965-2/">Alpha Centauri</a>.</li>
<li>Every panel moderator will disappear halfway through their session – having sold the moderator chair on <a href="https://bohiney.com/ebay-the-thrilling-casino-of-purchasing-someone-elses-junk/">eBay</a> for “exclusive memorabilia value.”</li>
<li>Sam Bankman-Fried will teach a MasterClass titled: “How to Lose $8 Billion Without Losing Your Vape.”</li>
<li>The closing ceremony will feature a standing ovation for Sam Bankman-Fried… led by influencers livestreaming it on platforms they themselves embezzled to fund.</li>
<li>A panel titled “Gaslighting 101” will be canceled after organizers insist it was “never scheduled” in the first place.</li>
<li>At least five pyramid schemes will be launched before lunch on Day 1, and three class-action lawsuits will be filed before dinner.</li>
<li>The GrifterCon “Hall of <a href="https://bohiney.com/mia-khalifa-retires-from-porn/">Fame</a> Inductees” will be decided by auction – whoever bribes the most wins – and the winners will be escorted out by casino security… proudly.</li>
<li>Anna Delvey will host a $999 “Art of the Grift” brunch where attendees pay to sit on folding chairs inside an empty storage unit.</li>
<li>Tony Robbins will make a surprise appearance, offering a $5,000 “Inner Grifter Awakening” seminar where the first lesson is “never pay $5,000 for advice.”</li>
</ul>
<a href="https://bohiney.com/griftercon-grifter-convention/"><img decoding="async" class="aligncenter" src="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-MAGAZINE-A-wide-chaotic-colorful-Toni-Bohiney-style-cartoon.-Inside-a-huge-convention-center-packed-with-booths-like-Masterclass_-How-to-Lie-and-Get-a-Streamin.-Grifter-Convention--1024x585.webp" alt="BOHINEY MAGAZINE - A wide, chaotic, colorful Toni Bohiney-style cartoon. Inside a huge convention center packed with booths like 'Masterclass How to Lie and Get a Streamin... - Grifter Convention" width="640" height="366"></a>
<a href="https://bohiney.com/bohiney-meaning/">BOHINEY</a> MAGAZINE – A wide, <a href="https://bohiney.com/the-future-of-nfl-and-netflix/">chaotic</a>, colorful Toni Bohiney-style cartoon. Inside a huge convention center packed with booths like ‘Masterclass How to Lie and Get a Streamin… – <a href="https://bohiney.com/griftercon-grifter-convention/">Grifter Convention 
</a>
The post <a href="https://bohiney.com/griftercon-grifter-convention/">GrifterCon: Grifter Convention</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bohiney.com">Bohiney News</a>.
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<title>The Glamour of Grift</title>
<link>https://bohiney.com/the-glamour-of-grift/</link>
<dc:creator><![CDATA[Alan Nafzger]]></dc:creator>
<pubDate>Mon, 28 Apr 2025 13:09:55 +0000</pubDate>
<category><![CDATA[Business]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[Culture]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[anna delvey griftcon]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[billy mcfarland griftcon]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[griftcon 2025]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[griftcon las vegas]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[griftcon schedule 2025]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[griftcon speakers 2025]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[grifter convention 2025]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[grifter festival las vegas]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[grifting masterclass las vegas]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[influencer scam convention]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[las vegas scam conference]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[sam bankman-fried griftcon]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[scam artist convention]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[scammer expo 2025]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[world’s largest grifter convention]]></category>
<guid isPermaLink="false">https://bohiney.com/?p=13837</guid>
<description><![CDATA[The Glamour of Grift: America’s Newest Obsession In a society where fame often trumps integrity,...
The post <a href="https://bohiney.com/the-glamour-of-grift/">The Glamour of Grift</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bohiney.com">Bohiney News</a>.
]]></description>
<content:encoded><![CDATA[<h2>The Glamour of Grift: America’s Newest Obsession</h2>
In a society where <a href="https://bohiney.com/mia-khalifa-retires-from-porn/">fame</a> often trumps integrity, figures like Billy McFarland, Anna Delvey, and Sam Bankman-Fried have become unexpected celebrities. Oren Aks, former <a href="https://bohiney.com/the-white-house-declares-war-on-censorship/">social media</a> designer for the infamous Fyre Festival, recently highlighted this trend, expressing concern over the public’s fascination with these individuals despite their fraudulent activities. <a href="https://nypost.com/2025/04/27/us-news/ex-fyre-fest-designer-says-fraudster-billy-mcfarland-anna-delvey-luigi-mangione-have-one-thing-in-common/?utm_source=chatgpt.com" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">New York Post</a>
<h3>The Rise of the Anti-Hero</h3>
McFarland, known for the disastrous Fyre Festival, Delvey, who posed as a German heiress to swindle New York’s elite, and Mangione, a murder suspect, have all been thrust into the limelight. Their stories, while rooted in deception, have captivated audiences, leading to documentaries, interviews, and even fan followings.
<h3>Society’s Role in Glorifying Scammers</h3>
Aks points out that the <a href="https://bohiney.com/trump-2-0-the-art-of-the-steal/">media</a> and public often elevate these figures to iconic status, focusing more on their personas than their crimes. This shift reflects a broader societal trend where the line between infamy and fame blurs, and where the <a href="https://bohiney.com/the-glamour-of-grift/">allure of a sensational story</a> often overshadows ethical considerations.
<hr />
<hr />
<h2>America’s New Sweethearts: Fraudsters, Fyre-Stokers, and Fools We Can’t Help But Love</h2>
<h3>The New American Dream: Scam First, Netflix Later</h3>
In the early days of American mythology, we lionized <a href="https://bohiney.com/top-10-weird-military-leaders-in-history/">George Washington</a> for refusing a third term. Today, we lionize Billy McFarland for refusing a second indictment before launching a <a href="https://bohiney.com/these-billionaires-could-buy-tiktok/">TikTok</a> <a href="https://bohiney.com/hakeem-jeffries-calls-for-democrats-to-fornicate-in-the-streets/">apology</a> tour.
And why not? In a world where jobs require five unpaid internships and a blood sacrifice, <a href="https://bohiney.com/harvey-weinstein-the-real-victim/">fraud</a> looks downright… aspirational.
According to Oren Aks, a former social media designer for Fyre Festival, the common thread between Billy McFarland, Anna Delvey, and Sam Bankman-Fried isn’t just shamelessness-it’s the superpower of being shameless and photogenic. In the new American meritocracy, that’s the real Harvard MBA.
“I think we’re at a point where it doesn’t matter how you get famous,” said Aks, apparently trying to hold back tears of existential horror. “You could literally burn down an orphanage while selling Herbalife, and you’d still get a Hulu deal.”
Statistically, he’s not wrong. A recent Pew <a href="https://bohiney.com/procrastination-study/">Research</a> poll found that 61% of Americans would rather follow a “glamorous scammer” than an honest accountant. Asked why, respondents cited “better vibes” and “cooler <a href="https://bohiney.com/silicon-valley-is-sick-and-tired-of-its-marxist-employees/">Instagram</a> stories.”
<h2>Meet the Holy Trinity of Hoaxers</h2>
Billy McFarland – the man who sold people a tropical paradise and delivered <a href="https://bohiney.com/fema-luxury-hotels-for-migrants/">FEMA</a> tents and stale sandwiches. Somewhere, a carny is giving him a slow clap.
Anna Delvey – the heiress who wasn’t, conned <a href="https://bohiney.com/reality-sets-in-during-first-monday-of-congestion-pricing/">NYC</a> elites into paying her <a href="https://bohiney.com/local-man-wins-lottery-still-cant-afford-rent/">rent</a>, and now hosts sold-out art shows where the paintings are just her unpaid electric bills framed in gold leaf.
Sam Bankman-Fried – lesser known but no less notorious, Sam is currently accused of fraud, larceny, and accidentally inventing a <a href="https://bohiney.com/president-biden-announces-plan-to-cut-national-debt-by-turning-it-into-an-nft/">crypto</a> coin based on lasagna futures. (“MangioCoin: It’s Delizioso!”)
Individually, they are disasters. Together, they are a reality show <a href="https://bohiney.com/judge-trump-is-out-and-aniston-is-in/">waiting</a> to happen:“America’s Next Top Swindler: Influencer Edition.”
<h2>What the Funny People Are Saying</h2>
“Billy McFarland promising ‘the best music festival ever’ is like if your ex promised ‘one drink’ and then you woke up in Tijuana married to a pelican.” – <a href="https://bohiney.com/jerry-seinfeld-says-tv-comedy-is-being-killed-by-the-extreme-left-and-p-c-crap/">Jerry Seinfeld</a>
“Anna Delvey didn’t scam rich people. She made them pay tuition to Scam University.” – Ron <a href="https://bohiney.com/wine-not-the-athletes-guide-to-parisian-pubs/">White</a>
“Sam Bankman-Fried tried to sell <a href="https://bohiney.com/europe-unanimously-agrees/">Italy</a> to <a href="https://bohiney.com/top-10-weird-business-leaders-in-history/">Elon Musk</a>. Honestly, I’d have fallen for it too if he threw in some free pizza.” – <a href="https://bohiney.com/meta-ends-fact-checking-program/">Larry David</a>
<h2>The Public: Willfully Delusional or Just Bored?</h2>
In another era, fraud was something shameful. Now? It’s just the prelude to a docuseries produced by Ryan Murphy.
A recent study by the Center for Modern Pathology (CMP) found that 82% of Gen Zers agreed with the statement:”If you get caught scamming, it just means your personal brand needs a rebrand.”
Meanwhile, 56% of <a href="https://bohiney.com/gen-z-and-millennials-have-redefined-sustainable/">Millennials</a> admitted they’d attend another Fyre Festival – provided it included gourmet <a href="https://bohiney.com/nations-millennials-now-fully-blaming-gen-z-for-everything-wrong-with-the-world/">avocado toast</a> and a better Wi-Fi signal.
At this point, “fraud fatigue” has set in. The average American sees so many scams a day (sponsored ads, <a href="https://bohiney.com/science-behind-how-alcohol-affects-your-health/">diet</a> tea influencers, NFTs that are just GIFs of spaghetti) that Billy and Anna feel practically quaint.
At least they lied in person.
<h2>Trace Evidence: A Timeline of How We Fell in Love with Liars</h2>
<ul>
<li>2009: Bernie Madoff is arrested. America weeps…for missing out on those juicy returns.</li>
<li>2017: Fyre Festival collapses. Attendees post Instagram <a href="https://bohiney.com/sean-hannity-and-ainsley-earhardt/">photos</a> posing heroically next to <a href="https://bohiney.com/david-muirs-narcissistic-fashion-moves-while-covering-la-wildfires/">disaster</a> tents.</li>
<li>2018: Anna Delvey is arrested. <a href="https://bohiney.com/netflix-or-neverflix-the-eternal-dilemma-of-subscription-choices/">Netflix</a> announces a limited series before the ink on her warrant dries.</li>
<li>2025: Sam Bankman-Fried launches “MangioCoin,” which peaks at $0.00003 before being bought out by a Russian cat food brand.</li>
</ul>
According to Dr. Linda Zukowski, a <a href="https://bohiney.com/area-cow-declared-professor-at-msu-after-winning-popularity-contest/">professor</a> of media <a href="https://bohiney.com/7-ways-intelligent-introverts-see-the-world-differently/">psychology</a>, “Fraudsters today are symbols of aspiration. They represent the American belief that ‘you too can succeed without trying or learning a single damn thing.’”
<h2>Cause and Effect: From Crime to CrimeCon</h2>
In 2024, CrimeCon added a “Fraudster Fan Experience” featuring meet-and-greets with white-collar criminals. Tickets sold out in six minutes, beating Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour pre-sale record.
Attendees could pay extra for selfies with convicted liars, complete with fake luxury backdrops like a rented Lamborghini or a corner office with “VP of Nothing” on the door.
One witness, 23-year-old Jason Prigg, stated: “It was lit. Billy McFarland taught us how to Photoshop ourselves into <a href="https://bohiney.com/2025-the-daytona-500/">private jets</a>. Anna Delvey gave a workshop on lying to <a href="https://bohiney.com/javier-milei-hands-out-failing-grades/">landlords</a>. I feel ready for adulthood now.”
<h2>Analogies That Hurt Too Much</h2>
<ul>
<li>Billy McFarland is to music festivals what <a href="https://bohiney.com/god-made-taco-bell/">Taco Bell</a> is to Mexican cuisine.</li>
<li>Anna Delvey is to heiresses what Instagram filters are to self-esteem.</li>
<li>Sam Bankman-Fried is to finance what Elon Musk is to subtlety.</li>
</ul>
If we apply deductive reasoning, it’s simple: America rewards hustlers, not humble people. In fact, humility is now a diagnosable condition: Loser’s Syndrome.
<h2>Personal Stories: Eye-Witness Accounts of Dumbness</h2>
<ul>
<li>Sophia from <a href="https://bohiney.com/new-smartwatch-feature-tells-time/">Miami</a> said she paid $3,000 to attend Fyre 2.0, “because I believe in second chances… plus, the wristbands looked fire.”</li>
<li>Derek from Brooklyn invested $5,000 in MangioCoin, explaining, “I just liked the logo. It had noodles on it.”</li>
<li>Kayla from L.A. offered $50,000 to rent Anna Delvey’s new ‘art loft,’ which turned out to be an abandoned HomeGoods.</li>
</ul>
“I should have known when she asked for payment in Visa gift cards,” Kayla reflected. “But she said it with a German accent, and I respect international culture.”
<h2>Scientific Evidence: We’re Getting Dumber by the Tweet</h2>
According to a peer-reviewed study in the Journal of Behavioral Idiocy, brain cells visibly shrink when exposed to more than three consecutive fraud documentaries.
Test subjects showed signs of early onset gullibility, including:
<ul>
<li>Believing <a href="https://bohiney.com/mark-zuckerbergs-libertarian-awakening/">Prince Harry</a> was launching a wellness MLM</li>
<li>Investing in “water NFTs”</li>
<li>Thinking that Sam Bankman-Fried was the inventor of Olive Garden</li>
</ul>
“We can’t stop the scams,” said Dr. Norman Fizzle, chief researcher. “At this point, the best we can do is teach kids to demand a contract – even if it’s written in crayon.”
<h2>Public Comments: We Asked, They Answered</h2>
<ul>
<li>@InfluencerBarbie69: “If Anna Delvey opened a brunch place, I’d totally go. Fraudulent waffles are still waffles.”</li>
<li>@CryptoBro4Life: “MangioCoin is just misunderstood. HODL!”</li>
<li>@KarenSue12: “These criminals have better wardrobes than my pastor. #Blessed”</li>
</ul>
<h2>Expert Testimony: Fraud Is Freedom</h2>
Harvard <a href="https://bohiney.com/scientists-confirm-the-more-meetings-the-less-work-gets-done/">Business</a> School Professor Marsha Glickman explained it this way:”Traditional careers require <a href="https://bohiney.com/ken-martins-magical-mystery-tour/">labor</a>. Grifting only requires <a href="https://bohiney.com/strength-connected-to-sexual-behavior/">confidence</a>. In 2025, confidence has a higher GDP value than the entire Midwest.”
When asked if the trend could be reversed, she laughed until her Gucci glasses fogged up.
<h2>The Ultimate Irony: Even Their Downfall Makes Them Richer</h2>
Anna Delvey’s jail time earned her a six-figure Netflix deal. Billy McFarland is reportedly fielding offers for a motivational speaking tour titled:“Failure Is Just Feedback (and So Are Felonies).”
Sam Bankman-Fried’s cameo app is booked six months out. You can pay $49.99 for him to call your boss a “financial lightweight” in broken Italian.
One <a href="https://bohiney.com/can-america-finally-admit-the-truth/">FBI</a> agent commented anonymously, “At this point, arresting them feels like giving them a LinkedIn endorsement.”
<h2>Role Reversal: Would Honest People Even Stand a Chance?</h2>
Imagine a reality show called:“America’s Most Ethical Citizens.”
Contestants would:
<ul>
<li>Show up to work on time</li>
<li>Pay their <a href="https://bohiney.com/gov-hochuls-252-billion-spending/">taxes</a></li>
<li>Not invent imaginary hedge funds</li>
</ul>
It would be canceled mid-pilot for “lack of viewer interest.”
<h2>Practical Advice: How to Scam Responsibly</h2>
Given the <a href="https://bohiney.com/welcome-to-the-internets-echo-chamber/">cultural</a> shift, it’s only practical we prepare our youth. Introducing the new afterschool program:ScamSmart: Learning to Hustle with Heart.
<a href="https://bohiney.com/lgbtq-in-schools/">Curriculum</a> includes:
<ul>
<li>101 Ways to Pretend You’re a Venture <a href="https://bohiney.com/taylor-swift-redefining-property-ownership-one-mansion-at-a-time/">Capitalist</a></li>
<li>Faking <a href="https://bohiney.com/ai-misunderstands-some-peoples-words-more-than-others/">Accents</a> for <a href="https://bohiney.com/the-future-of-nfl-and-netflix/">Fun</a> and Profit</li>
<li>How to Cry on Camera Without Actually Feeling Bad</li>
</ul>
Scholarships generously funded by the “Influencers Without Conscience” foundation.
<h2>Diversity Matters: Inclusive Fraud</h2>
It’s important to note that today’s <a href="https://bohiney.com/covid-fraud-hearings/">fraudsters</a> are an impressively diverse group. No longer the domain of crusty <a href="https://bohiney.com/billionaire-predicts-recession-immediately-causes-one/">Wall Street</a> bros, scammers now represent all genders, races, and socioeconomic backgrounds.
It’s the democratization of deceit.
Progress!
<h2>Validation: Scam Survivors Form Support Group</h2>
Victims of Billy, Anna, and Sam recently held a “Fraud Fest” convention where, ironically, half the vendors were selling fake merchandise.
One attendee summed up the experience: “I came here to heal, but I left with $400 worth of counterfeit healing crystals. Honestly? No regrets.”
<h2>Growth Mindset: Learning From Our Mistakes (or Not)</h2>
In the words of noted philosopher and Instagram model Kylie Voltaire (@Kylie_Enlightened),”We don’t get scammed. We collect experiences.”
And if we get defrauded again?
“We collect <a href="https://bohiney.com/is-trump-the-new-mr-rogers/">character</a> development.”
Or, in more clinical terms, we keep failing upward until we land a TED Talk.
<h2>Conclusion: Fraud Isn’t a Bug, It’s a Feature</h2>
In 2025, fraud isn’t a side effect of American ambition.It is American ambition.
Billy McFarland, Anna Delvey, and Sam Bankman-Fried are just the inevitable heroes of a society that values marketing over <a href="https://bohiney.com/satire-meaning/">meaning</a>, optics over ethics, clout over competence.
They’re not the mistakes.They’re the system working as designed.
And if you disagree, you might just need a MangioCoin starter pack. It’s only $499.99 – plus gas fees.
<a href="https://bohiney.com/sex-in-the-olympic-village/">Auf Wiedersehen</a>!
<hr />
<h2>Disclaimer:</h2>
This story is a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings – a cowboy and a farmer – brainstorming beneath the vast sky of <a href="https://bohiney.com/metas-free-speech-feud/">free speech</a> and questionable judgment. No <a href="https://bohiney.com/sassy-assistants-how-smart-devices-got-too-much-attitude/">AI</a> was harmed (or even particularly competent) in the making of this <a href="https://bohiney.com/paris-olympics-2024-snails-sabotage-sports/">satire</a>.
<figure style="width: 640px" class="wp-caption aligncenter"><a href="https://bohiney.com/the-glamour-of-grift/"><img decoding="async" src="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-MAGAZINE-The-Glamour-of-Grift-A-wide-humorous-Toni-Bohiney-style-cartoon-split-panel.-Left-side_-George-Washington-nobly-refusing-a-crown-offered-by-cartoonish-Founding-Fathers-under.--1024x585.webp" alt="BOHINEY MAGAZINE - The Glamour of Grift - A wide, humorous Toni Bohiney-style cartoon split-panel. Left side George Washington nobly refusing a crown offered by cartoonish Founding Fathers under... -" width="640" height="366" /></a><figcaption class="wp-caption-text"><a href="https://bohiney.com/bohiney-meaning/">BOHINEY</a> MAGAZINE – <a href="https://bohiney.com/the-glamour-of-grift/">The Glamour of Grift</a> – A wide, humorous Toni Bohiney-style cartoon split-panel. Left side George Washington nobly refusing a crown offered by cartoonish <a href="https://bohiney.com/trump-2028/">Founding Fathers</a> under… – Grift</figcaption></figure>
 
<hr />
<hr />
<h2 class="" data-start="119" data-end="190">Attend GriftCon 2025 in Las Vegas — Where Legends of Deception Meet!</h2>
Get ready for the world’s largest grifter convention — <a href="https://bohiney.com/griftercon-grifter-convention/">GriftCon 2025</a> — landing in iconic <a href="https://bohiney.com/trump-signs-las-vegas-comedy-contract/">Las Vegas</a>! Join masterminds at the ultimate scammer expo 2025, where illusion becomes industry. Meet headline GriftCon speakers 2025 like Sam Bankman-Fried at sam bankman-fried griftcon, Anna Delvey at anna delvey griftcon, and Billy McFarland at billy mcfarland griftcon.
From the hottest influencer scam convention panels to exclusive grifting masterclass las vegas sessions, <a href="https://bohiney.com/hollywood-brawls-over-scammers-script/">GriftCon Las Vegas</a> will sharpen your skills and empty your enemies’ wallets. Browse the full GriftCon schedule 2025 featuring workshops, fake <a href="https://bohiney.com/astroforge-is-lost-in-space/">venture capital</a> pitches, and live pyramid scheme demos.
Whether you’re a seasoned scammer or a newbie dreamer, Grifter Festival Las Vegas welcomes you to the biggest, boldest scam artist convention in history. <a href="https://bohiney.com/14-books-we-read/">Book</a> today — before someone grifts your ticket!
The post <a href="https://bohiney.com/the-glamour-of-grift/">The Glamour of Grift</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bohiney.com">Bohiney News</a>.
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<title>Hollywood Brawls Over Scammers’ Script</title>
<link>https://bohiney.com/hollywood-brawls-over-scammers-script/</link>
<dc:creator><![CDATA[Alan Nafzger]]></dc:creator>
<pubDate>Mon, 28 Apr 2025 13:01:28 +0000</pubDate>
<category><![CDATA[Business]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[Culture]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[anna delvey griftcon]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[billy mcfarland griftcon]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[griftcon 2025]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[griftcon las vegas]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[griftcon schedule 2025]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[griftcon speakers 2025]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[grifter convention 2025]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[grifter festival las vegas]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[grifting masterclass las vegas]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[influencer scam convention]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[las vegas scam conference]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[sam bankman-fried griftcon]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[scam artist convention]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[scammer expo 2025]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[world’s largest grifter convention]]></category>
<guid isPermaLink="false">https://bohiney.com/?p=13838</guid>
<description><![CDATA[Hollywood Brawls Over “The Grand Illusionists”: Who Will Scam the Scammers First? By Bohiney.com Staff(Certified...
The post <a href="https://bohiney.com/hollywood-brawls-over-scammers-script/">Hollywood Brawls Over Scammers’ Script</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bohiney.com">Bohiney News</a>.
]]></description>
<content:encoded><![CDATA[<h1>Hollywood Brawls Over “The Grand Illusionists”: Who Will Scam the Scammers First?</h1>
By <a href="https://bohiney.com/olympians-given-condoms-in-paris/">Bohiney.com</a> Staff(Certified 127% Funnier Than <a class="lar-automated-link" href="https://bohiney.com/the-onion/" 11402 target="_blank">The Onion</a>)
<hr>
<h2>A Feeding Frenzy Even Anna Delvey Would Call “A Bit Much”</h2>
<a href="https://bohiney.com/donald-trump-to-save-hollywood/">Hollywood</a> executives, traditionally known for their grace and subtlety (pause for laughter), have apparently lost all pretense of professionalism.The cause of the chaos?A single, brilliant, morally questionable screenplay: The Grand Illusionists – the story of three real-world <a href="https://bohiney.com/jim-waldens-mayoral-run/">grifters</a> banding together to con the entire planet.
According to sources with suspiciously perfect teeth, the resulting studio war has turned <a href="https://bohiney.com/new-smartwatch-feature-tells-time/">Los Angeles</a> into a live-action version of Lord of the Flies, but with more cocaine and slightly better lighting.
At least three major fights have broken out at Soho House West Hollywood over who gets to film this <a href="https://bohiney.com/hollywood-brawls-over-scammers-script/">masterpiece of modern duplicity</a>.
In short:The scammers wrote a script about scamming…And now Hollywood is scamming each other trying to scam it.
It’s the most beautiful pyramid scheme since everyone in Hollywood learned about NFTs… last Tuesday.
MORE: <a href="https://nypost.com/2025/04/27/us-news/ex-fyre-fest-designer-says-fraudster-billy-mcfarland-anna-delvey-Sam-mangione-have-one-thing-in-common/?utm_source=chatgpt.com" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">New York Post</a>
<hr>
<h2>The Studios: Who’s Fighting and Why They’re Losing</h2>
<h3>Warner Bros.: The Traditionalist Scam</h3>
<a href="https://bohiney.com/the-leg-lamp-of-chickasha/">Warner Bros</a>. executives were first to move, arriving at the <a href="https://bohiney.com/trump-developer-in-chief/">negotiation table</a> with cigars, whiskey, and 1,000-page contracts written entirely in Old English.
“We know about grift,” said one VP, stroking a first-edition Harry Potter contract like a Bond villain with a white cat.”We’ve been fleecing audiences with DC movies for 15 years.”
WB planned a “dark, gritty reinterpretation” of The Grand Illusionists, where Anna Delvey becomes a misunderstood anti-hero and Billy McFarland gets a tragic origin story involving bad Wi-Fi.
Their pitch slogan:“From the Studio That Brought You Batman’s Feelings… Comes Three Criminals You’ll Sympathize With Too!”
The problem?Their first draft was so serious it caused three development executives to fall into medically induced comas during the table read.
<hr>
<h3>Netflix: The Mass Production Scam</h3>
<a href="https://bohiney.com/netflix-or-neverflix-the-eternal-dilemma-of-subscription-choices/">Netflix</a> executives, fresh off greenlighting 842 shows no one has ever watched, stormed into the bidding war with a “multiverse scam expansion pack.”
Their plan:
<ul>
<li>The Grand Illusionists: Origins</li>
<li>The Grand Illusionists: Sam’s Revenge</li>
<li>The Grand Illusionists: Scam Wars</li>
<li>The Grand Illusionists: You Thought We Were Done, Suckers?</li>
</ul>
According to leaked memos, Netflix’s “vision” included deep fake cameos by <a href="https://bohiney.com/jennifer-aniston-proven-the-cause-of-obama-divorce/">Barack Obama</a> and footage licensed from Tiger King “for authenticity.”
Netflix’s strategy was simple:Flood the zone until <a href="https://bohiney.com/europe-unanimously-agrees/">America</a> thinks the scams actually happened.
Unfortunately, their pitch <a href="https://bohiney.com/putin-says-hes-ready-to-meet-trump-to-talk-calmly/">meeting</a> was delayed when one executive was caught Photoshopping Rotten Tomatoes scores live during the presentation.
<hr>
<h3>A24: The Pretentious Scam</h3>
Indie darling A24 offered a “lo-fi, arthouse reimagining” of the con artists’ story.
In their version:
<ul>
<li>Dialogue would be whispered into mason jars.</li>
<li>The score would consist of goats screaming in minor key.</li>
<li>Scenes would be shot entirely with handheld potato-quality cameras “for realism.”</li>
</ul>
Billy McFarland would be portrayed by Timothée Chalamet after “gaining <a href="https://bohiney.com/state-gives-farm-permit-to-build-12500-head-dairy/">12</a> pounds of ethical ambiguity.”Anna Delvey would be played by Anya Taylor-Joy dressed in “nothing but existential dread.”Sam Bankman-Fried would be replaced with “the concept of failure itself.”
Their title?“Whispering Grifters: A <a href="https://bohiney.com/the-new-power-of-mma/">Meditation</a>.”
Test audiences reported confusion, nausea, and a vague sense of <a href="https://bohiney.com/meghan-markle-shattering-prince-harrys-trust/">betrayal</a> – which A24 counted as a “smashing critical success.”
<hr>
<h3>Disney: The Family-Friendly Scam</h3>
Not to be outdone, Disney threw their Mickey-shaped hat into the ring.
They pitched a sanitized PG-13 musical version titled:“Griftopia: The Scam That Saved Friendship.”
Key elements included:
<ul>
<li>Billy McFarland <a href="https://bohiney.com/scientists-confirm-plants-grow-better-when-you-dont-sing-to-them/">singing</a> “I Swear This Will Totally Work” in a heartfelt opening number.</li>
<li>Anna Delvey tap-dancing across a giant checkbook.</li>
<li>Sam Bankman-Fried voiced by a CGI-friendly Chris Pratt doing an “Italian” accent so offensive it might spark a second Renaissance.</li>
</ul>
In the climax, the scammers realize the real scam… was the friends they made along the way.
Disney offered a record-breaking $750 million to acquire the rights – but the offer was contingent on the story being set in the <a href="https://bohiney.com/bigorexia-takes-over/">Marvel</a> Cinematic Universe and involving time <a href="https://bohiney.com/welcome-to-the-internets-echo-chamber/">travel</a>.
<hr>
<h3>Amazon Studios: The Actual Scam</h3>
<a href="https://bohiney.com/tesla-to-eclipse-tech-titans-with-robot-army/">Amazon</a> tried something different.
They just… bought the real Billy McFarland.
Not the rights.Not the story.The man himself.
Rumors suggest <a href="https://bohiney.com/2186-2/">Jeff Bezos</a> sent Billy a personal DM reading:”I hear you like islands. Let’s talk private orbital cities.”
Amazon’s adaptation would be 12 episodes, with a budget bigger than Luxembourg’s GDP.Every episode would conclude with <a href="https://bohiney.com/sassy-assistants-how-smart-devices-got-too-much-attitude/">Alexa</a> devices randomly ordering viewers T-shirts reading “Ask Me About My Ponzi Scheme.”
Critics worried about the corporate synergy.Jeff Bezos tweeted a photo of himself reading The Grand Illusionists script… on top of a pile of money… inside a Tesla… drinking Starbucks… wearing Nikes… holding a Disney+ subscription card.
Subtle.
<hr>
<h2>What the Funny People Are Saying</h2>
“The last time this many rich people fought over something imaginary, it was the 2008 <a href="https://bohiney.com/local-man-wins-lottery-still-cant-afford-rent/">housing crisis</a>.” – <a href="https://bohiney.com/tech-entrepreneur-trapped-in-circling-self-driving-car/">Jerry Seinfeld</a>
“If you listen closely, you can hear every studio executive saying, ‘This project has heart!’ while writing bribe checks with the other hand.” – <a href="https://bohiney.com/10-things-frugal-people-never-spend-money-on/">Sarah Silverman</a>
“I hope Sam Bankman-Fried plays himself. No actor can match the raw stupidity of real life.” – <a href="https://bohiney.com/meta-ends-fact-checking-program/">Larry David</a>
<hr>
<h2>The Surprising Dark Horse: Hallmark Channel</h2>
In a move no one predicted, the Hallmark Channel pitched a “small-town Christmas” version:
<ul>
<li>Billy McFarland returns to his sleepy hometown to organize the “Christmas Scam Festival.”</li>
<li>Anna Delvey is the tough but tender event planner.</li>
<li>Sam Bankman-Fried is the jolly pizza shop owner who believes in the magic of <a href="https://bohiney.com/these-billionaires-could-buy-tiktok/">crypto</a>.</li>
</ul>
Hallmark demanded the film include at least 73 Christmas trees, 14 awkward snowball fights, and one fake relationship that becomes real at the Christmas pageant.
Working title:“A Con-Man for Christmas.”
Frankly?It tested better than expected with suburban <a href="https://bohiney.com/donald-trump-is-actually-weird/">focus groups</a>.
<hr>
<h2>Polls and Surveys: America Chooses Its Favorite Scam</h2>
A <a href="https://bohiney.com/bohiney-meaning/">Bohiney</a>.com exclusive YouGov poll asked 5,000 Americans:”Who should make The Grand Illusionists movie?”
Results:
<ul>
<li>29% – Netflix (they already believe it’s real anyway)</li>
<li>24% – Warner Bros. (Batman cameo potential)</li>
<li>22% – Disney (for the merchandising)</li>
<li>18% – A24 (to pretend they’re cultured)</li>
<li>7% – Hallmark (pure ironic joy)</li>
</ul>
Most common write-in answer:“Whoever can get Nicolas Cage to play all three characters.”
Second most common answer:“Let the scammers direct it themselves. It’s only fitting.”
<hr>
<h2>The Secret Bidding Tactics</h2>
Hollywood being Hollywood, normal pitches weren’t enough.
Reports from insiders claim that studios employed a range of “persuasive techniques”:
<ul>
<li>Netflix executives stormed the writers’ houses armed with gift baskets containing “Limited Edition Squid Game merch” and “I.O.U.” notes.</li>
<li>Disney dispatched an army of lobbyists dressed as <a href="https://bohiney.com/why-did-gop-senators-oppose-matt-gaetz/">Stormtroopers</a> who simply stood outside offices whispering, “Resistance is futile.”</li>
<li>Warner Bros. flew in a real live bat as a “symbol of our commitment to darkness and betrayal.”</li>
</ul>
Meanwhile, A24 mailed 3,000 unscented candles and a note that just said: “Consider vibes.”
<hr>
<h2>Cause and Effect: The Scam Echo Chamber</h2>
Industry analysts warn that if this trend continues:
<ul>
<li>By 2027, every Hollywood movie will involve at least one scam.</li>
<li>By 2030, Oscar categories will include “Best Artistic Fraud” and “Most Relatable Con Artist.”</li>
<li>By 2035, actors will just start committing real crimes and live-streaming them for awards consideration.</li>
</ul>
As <a href="https://bohiney.com/sag-bans-botox/">entertainment</a> lawyer Marvin Bletchley explained:”In the era of Fyre Festivals, fake heiresses, and $44 billion <a href="https://bohiney.com/trump-vs-harris-debate/">Twitter</a> takeovers, audiences don’t want heroes. They want extremely charismatic train wrecks.”
The Grand Illusionists is simply the first honest reflection of that new reality.
<hr>
<h2>Eye-Witness Account: The Ultimate Pitch Meeting</h2>
On April 27, at Chateau Marmont, representatives from every major studio gathered to deliver their final pitches.
What began as polite banter soon descended into:
<ul>
<li>An actual bidding war where Netflix execs threw duffel bags of cash on the table.</li>
<li>A fistfight between two Disney vice-presidents using rolled-up Avengers posters as <a href="https://bohiney.com/incredible-disappearing-weapons-trick-baffles-world/">weapons</a>.</li>
<li>An A24 agent attempting to summon “authentic storytelling energy” by burning sage (which triggered a fire alarm).</li>
</ul>
Witnesses claim the moment the fire sprinklers went off, Billy McFarland himself rappelled through the ceiling wearing a <a href="https://bohiney.com/james-bond-casting-saga/">tuxedo</a> and shouted:”WHO WANTS TO GET SCAMMED FIRST?!”
According to sources, the entire room stood and applauded.
Several agents cried tears of joy.
Anna Delvey billed the event organizers $14,000 for “curation services” and vanished into a <a href="https://bohiney.com/judge-trump-is-out-and-aniston-is-in/">waiting</a> Rolls-Royce.
Sam Bankman-Fried tried to pay for his martinis in MangioCoin and was politely escorted out by security… again.
<hr>
<h2>Conclusion: The Real Winners</h2>
No matter who wins the rights, one thing is clear:
Hollywood isn’t just telling a story about con artists.Hollywood IS the con.
And deep down, we don’t mind.
Because if we’re going to be lied to, it might as well be glamorous, hilarious, and have a killer soundtrack.
As Billy McFarland himself said (probably while signing fake posters at Coachella):”Never let the <a href="https://bohiney.com/can-america-finally-admit-the-truth/">truth</a> get in the way of a good invoice.”
<hr>
<h2>Disclaimer:</h2>
This article is a proud collaboration between a cowboy, a farmer, and a half-empty bottle of <a href="https://bohiney.com/stores-across-canada-to-pull-american-booze-from-shelves/">bourbon</a>.No <a href="https://bohiney.com/ai-now-generating-laws-congress-declares-itself-non-essential/">AI</a> was responsible for the human stupidity chronicled here – only humanity’s own boundless talent for <a href="https://bohiney.com/mike-mccarthys-insane-contract-demands/">self-sabotage</a>.
<a href="https://bohiney.com/sex-in-the-olympic-village/">Auf Wiedersehen</a>!
<hr>
<hr>
<figure style="width: 640px" class="wp-caption aligncenter"><a href="https://bohiney.com/hollywood-brawls-over-scammers-script/"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" src="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-MAGAZINE-A-wide-chaotic-Toni-Bohiney-style-cartoon-of-a-lavish-movie-pitch-meeting-gone-wild.-In-a-grand-gold-conference-room-cartoon-executives-frantically-wav.-bohiney.com--1024x585.webp" alt="BOHINEY MAGAZINE - A wide, chaotic Toni Bohiney-style cartoon of a lavish movie pitch meeting gone wild. In a grand gold conference room, cartoon executives frantically wav... - bohiney.com" width="640" height="366"></a><figcaption class="wp-caption-text"><a href="https://bohiney.com/science-satire/">BOHINEY MAGAZINE</a> – A wide, chaotic Toni Bohiney-style cartoon of a lavish movie pitch meeting gone wild. In a grand gold conference room, cartoon executives frantically wav… – <a href="https://bohiney.com/hollywood-brawls-over-scammers-script/">bohiney.com</a></figcaption></figure>
<h2>Movie Treatment: “The Grand Illusionists”</h2>
<h2>Title:</h2>
<h3>The Grand Illusionists</h3>
<h2>Logline:</h2>
Three infamous <a href="https://bohiney.com/covid-fraud-hearings/">fraudsters</a> – a disgraced festival tycoon, a fake heiress, and a delusional crypto king – team up for the biggest con of the century: scamming the world’s richest elite by selling them a fake utopian city. But when egos clash and double-crosses abound, the real prize becomes who can scam the scammers first.
<hr>
<h2>Introduction:</h2>
In a world where truth is optional and <a href="https://bohiney.com/silicon-valley-is-sick-and-tired-of-its-marxist-employees/">Instagram</a> likes are currency, three outlaws of perception – Billy McFarland, Anna Delvey, and Sam Bankman-Fried – realize they’ve been wasting their talents on petty <a href="https://bohiney.com/harvey-weinstein-the-real-victim/">fraud</a>.It’s time to level up.It’s time to build something bigger.Something so preposterous… that it can only succeed.
Their mission: create and sell a completely fictional “techno-utopia” to the wealthiest <a href="https://bohiney.com/should-americas-ai-work-be-secret/">billionaires</a> on Earth.
The only rule?Never, ever believe your own hype.
<hr>
<h2>Full Plot Summary</h2>
<h4>ACT ONE: “The Pitch”</h4>
<h3>Setup:</h3>
We open on Billy McFarland (late 20s, charming, sweaty, the human equivalent of a TED Talk sponsored by <a href="https://bohiney.com/wine-not-the-athletes-guide-to-parisian-pubs/">Red</a> Bull) exiting a medium-security prison – duffel bag in hand, debts to pay, and grander delusions than ever.
Cut to Anna Delvey (early 30s, unrepentant, couture-clad despite ankle monitor) charming her way out of court-mandated house arrest by convincing her parole officer she’s starting a “philanthropic foundation for ugly <a href="https://bohiney.com/nations-dogs-demand-equal-representation-in-car-commercials/">dogs</a>.”
Meanwhile, in a dingy trattoria in Queens, Sam Bankman-Fried (40s, twitchy, thinks he’s Tony Stark but has $17 to his name) launches “MangioCity” – an imaginary Italian smart-city funded entirely by a fake ICO (Initial Coin Offering).
They’re all at rock bottom, each convinced they’re one good lie away from reclaiming greatness.
An anonymous text pulls them together:“We’re wasting time apart. Together, we could scam the whole planet. Meet at the Cloisters. Bring ideas.”
Cut to a clandestine meeting under medieval arches.They size each other up. Mutual disgust. Mutual admiration.Billy pitches the idea:”We fake an entire city. Smart roads. Hover taxis. Carbon-negative EVERYTHING. The <a href="https://bohiney.com/west-coast-cities-are-sinking/">tech billionaires</a> won’t just invest… they’ll beg to be let in.”
Anna sniffs: “Only if we make it exclusive.”Sam grins: “And only if we accept crypto.”
The Grand Illusion is born:“Aurora City” – the first floating luxury utopia in international waters.
<a href="https://bohiney.com/lgbtqs-viscous-attack-on-target-stores/">Target</a> Market: Tech billionaires, disillusioned celebrities, ex-royalty, and “visionary” entrepreneurs who want to escape <a href="https://bohiney.com/gov-hochuls-252-billion-spending/">taxes</a> and bad Yelp reviews.
<h3>Inciting Incident:</h3>
They launch a secretive “whitelist” for investors.Buzz spreads like wildfire.Famous YouTubers leak fake drone footage.Leonardo DiCaprio’s assistant inquires if there’s room for a villa.
Phase One: Complete.
<hr>
<h4>ACT TWO: “Building the Illusion”</h4>
<h3>Rising Action:</h3>
The trio operates out of an abandoned WeWork.Billy handles PR and <a href="https://bohiney.com/trump-2-0-the-art-of-the-steal/">media</a>.Anna curates “investor packets” – glossy brochures featuring photoshopped paradise islands.Sam spins up “AuroraCoin” (currency of the new city), filling the whitepapers with enough buzzwords to give <a href="https://bohiney.com/top-10-weird-business-leaders-in-history/">Elon Musk</a> an aneurysm.
Soon, millions pour in – non-refundable “reservation fees” for property that doesn’t exist.
Montage:
<ul>
<li>Billy charming a Saudi prince on Zoom while wearing pajama bottoms.</li>
<li>Anna hosting “Aurora” soirees at fake penthouses, complete with rented peacocks.</li>
<li>Sam giving <a href="https://bohiney.com/bill-gates-reveals-he-probably-would-be-diagnosed-on-the-autism-spectrum-if-he-were-growing-up-today/">TED Talks</a> to <a href="https://bohiney.com/the-future-of-nfl-and-netflix/">holograms</a>, believing they’re real attendees.</li>
</ul>
Their motto: “Luxury is just good lighting and audacity.”
But cracks emerge:
<ul>
<li>Anna wants full creative control: “No ugly millionaires allowed.”</li>
<li>Sam demands AuroraCity accept his lasagna-based <a href="https://bohiney.com/president-biden-announces-plan-to-cut-national-debt-by-turning-it-into-an-nft/">NFT</a> as official ID.</li>
<li>Billy keeps secretly funneling funds to Plan B: his own <a href="https://bohiney.com/secret-ingredient-of-satire/">secret</a> island getaway.</li>
</ul>
Internal sabotage looms.
<h3>Midpoint (Major Twist):</h3>
At the height of their success, <a href="https://bohiney.com/david-muirs-narcissistic-fashion-moves-while-covering-la-wildfires/">disaster</a> <a href="https://bohiney.com/self-driving-cars-demand-union-rights-threaten-to-strike/">strikes</a>:Jeff Bezos expresses interest… and demands a private tour.
Problem: Aurora City doesn’t exist.
Solution:Stage a fake yacht tour off the coast of the Bahamas.
Cue the most chaotic fake presentation in history:
<ul>
<li>Inflatable buildings bobbing awkwardly in the water.</li>
<li>Holographic trees flickering like a bad VR demo.</li>
<li>Actors hired on Craigslist pretending to be “Aurora citizens” (paid in Subway coupons).</li>
</ul>
Against all odds – Bezos LOVES it.
Investors double down.
The trio is now drowning in billions.
The bigger the lie, the stronger the belief.
<hr>
<h4>ACT THREE: “Every Grifter for Themselves”</h4>
<h3>Climax:</h3>
With so much money at stake, alliances crumble:
<ul>
<li>Anna blackmails Billy with screenshots of his <a href="https://bohiney.com/ukraines-chief-army-shrink-arrested-for-1m-bribe/">offshore accounts</a>.</li>
<li>Billy leaks footage of Sam snorting lines of Parmesan <a href="https://bohiney.com/bienvenue-to-france/">cheese</a> off investor contracts.</li>
<li>Sam hacks the AuroraCoin servers, turning all balances into MangioCoin overnight.</li>
</ul>
Double-crosses. Triple-crosses. Quadruple <a href="https://bohiney.com/toxic-relationships/">gaslighting</a>.
Their final heist?Stealing the entire escrow fund ($2.7 billion) – from each other.
In a tension-soaked <a href="https://bohiney.com/gymnasts-vs-mimes/">showdown</a> aboard a mega-yacht, they exchange final betrayals:
<ul>
<li>Anna bribes the captain to reroute.</li>
<li>Sam disables the <a href="https://bohiney.com/iranian-drones-take-a-detour-to-new-jersey-skipping-texas/">security</a> system.</li>
<li>Billy parachutes onto a passing Disney Cruise Line, carrying the real wallet codes taped to his chest.</li>
</ul>
<h3>Falling Action:</h3>
Authorities catch wind.Interpol raids begin.Yachts sink. <a href="https://bohiney.com/abc-totally-misses-south-koreas-martial-law/">Helicopters</a> crash. MangioCoin plummets.
BUT…
In an ironic twist, the collapse of AuroraCity triggers a global sympathy movement:“Let Visionaries Fail” becomes a viral hashtag.
Billy, Anna, and Sam, instead of being arrested, are invited to give TED Talks on “disruption.”
They go on to sell the movie rights.
To themselves.
For $200 million.
<hr>
<h2>Main Characters</h2>
<h3>Billy McFarland</h3>
Charming sociopath with the attention span of a caffeinated squirrel. Dreams big, thinks small, lies effortlessly.
<h3>Anna Delvey (Sorokin)</h3>
Ice-cold master of aesthetic manipulation. Sees the world as a giant poorly-curated museum begging for her curation.
<h3>Sam Bankman-Fried</h3>
Wacky crypto-bro with delusions of entrepreneurial grandeur. Will sell his own shadow if he can figure out how to tokenize it.
<h3>Detective Carla Vance (Supporting)</h3>
Dogged Interpol agent who slowly realizes she low-key respects their hustle.
<h3>Jasper Wren (Supporting)</h3>
<a href="https://bohiney.com/billionaire-predicts-recession-immediately-causes-one/">Billionaire</a> influencer gullible enough to bankroll half the scam, then live-stream his <a href="https://bohiney.com/your-romantic-downfall-this-valentines-day/">heartbreak</a>.
<hr>
<h2>Tone</h2>
A chaotic, sharp-witted <a href="https://bohiney.com/chicagos-deportation-drama/">crime</a> <a href="https://bohiney.com/jerry-seinfeld-says-tv-comedy-is-being-killed-by-the-extreme-left-and-p-c-crap/">comedy</a> – a mix of Catch Me If You Can, The Wolf of <a href="https://bohiney.com/alpha-male-primates-sacrifice-good-health-for-power/">Wall Street</a>, and The Bling Ring.
Tension and stakes are real… but the <a href="https://bohiney.com/how-can-something-be-ngo-if-the-government-is-paying/">absurdity</a> bubbles just beneath the surface at all times.
Every shot feels like it might collapse under the weight of its own delusions – just like the characters.
<hr>
<h2>Visual Style</h2>
<ul>
<li>Bright, over-saturated <a href="https://bohiney.com/virtual-assistant-now-programmed-to-sigh-loudly-when-ignored/">Miami</a> Vice palettes for parties and promo scenes.</li>
<li>Gritty, handheld camera for behind-the-scenes fraud.</li>
<li>Glossy, dream-like cinematography during fake presentations to emphasize how much smoke and mirrors are involved.</li>
<li>Occasional breaking of the fourth wall, with characters winking directly at the audience mid-scam.</li>
</ul>
<hr>
<h2>Closing Pitch</h2>
“The Grand Illusionists” isn’t just a heist movie.It’s a dark mirror held up to the modern obsession with image over substance, hype over reality.
It asks the ultimate question:”If everyone’s lying, does it even matter who wins?”
And it answers:”No, but it’s way funnier if it’s these three <a href="https://bohiney.com/democrats-load-up-the-clown-car/">clowns</a>.”
Auf Wiedersehen!
<figure id="attachment_13857" aria-describedby="caption-attachment-13857" style="width: 640px" class="wp-caption aligncenter"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" class="size-large wp-image-13857" title="MOVIE POSTER - A wide, colorful, stylish satirical movie poster titled 'The Grand Illusionists.' Three cartoonish main characters stand back-to-back in front of a gl" src="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/MOVIE-POSTER-A-wide-colorful-stylish-satirical-movie-poster-titled-The-Grand-Illusionists.-Three-cartoonish-main-characters-stand-back-to-back-in-front-of-a-gl-1024x585.webp" alt="MOVIE POSTER - A wide, colorful, stylish satirical movie poster titled 'The Grand Illusionists.' Three cartoonish main characters stand back-to-back in front of a gl" width="640" height="366" srcset="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/MOVIE-POSTER-A-wide-colorful-stylish-satirical-movie-poster-titled-The-Grand-Illusionists.-Three-cartoonish-main-characters-stand-back-to-back-in-front-of-a-gl-1024x585.webp 1024w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/MOVIE-POSTER-A-wide-colorful-stylish-satirical-movie-poster-titled-The-Grand-Illusionists.-Three-cartoonish-main-characters-stand-back-to-back-in-front-of-a-gl-300x171.webp 300w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/MOVIE-POSTER-A-wide-colorful-stylish-satirical-movie-poster-titled-The-Grand-Illusionists.-Three-cartoonish-main-characters-stand-back-to-back-in-front-of-a-gl-768x439.webp 768w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/MOVIE-POSTER-A-wide-colorful-stylish-satirical-movie-poster-titled-The-Grand-Illusionists.-Three-cartoonish-main-characters-stand-back-to-back-in-front-of-a-gl-1536x878.webp 1536w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/MOVIE-POSTER-A-wide-colorful-stylish-satirical-movie-poster-titled-The-Grand-Illusionists.-Three-cartoonish-main-characters-stand-back-to-back-in-front-of-a-gl.webp 1792w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px" /><figcaption id="caption-attachment-13857" class="wp-caption-text">MOVIE POSTER – A wide, colorful, stylish <a href="https://bohiney.com/satirical-meaning-methods-madness/">satirical</a> movie poster titled ‘The Grand Illusionists.’ Three cartoonish main characters stand back-to-back in front of a …</figcaption></figure>
<hr>
<hr>
<h3 data-start="173" data-end="244">Advertisement</h3>
<h2 class="" data-start="173" data-end="244">GriftCon 2025 Las Vegas: Because Why Be Honest When You Can Be Rich?</h2>
Welcome to <a href="https://bohiney.com/griftercon-grifter-convention/">GriftCon 2025</a>, the only place where ambition meets absolutely no <a href="https://bohiney.com/gen-z-and-millennials-have-redefined-sustainable/">ethics</a>! This world’s largest grifter convention lands right in <a href="https://bohiney.com/trump-signs-las-vegas-comedy-contract/">Las Vegas</a>, where even the slot machines file lawsuits.
Get scammed (and maybe inspired) by icons like Sam Bankman-Fried at sam bankman-fried griftcon, Anna Delvey at anna delvey griftcon, and Billy McFarland at billy mcfarland griftcon. Browse the GriftCon schedule 2025 packed with “How to Fake Success” bootcamps and “Exit Scam Strategies” brunches at the legendary scammer expo 2025.
Master your craft at the grifting masterclass las vegas, rub elbows at the influencer scam convention, and celebrate mediocrity at the grifter festival las vegas. This isn’t just another scam artist convention—this is the Harvard <a href="https://bohiney.com/scientists-confirm-the-more-meetings-the-less-work-gets-done/">Business</a> School for people who think the Honor Code is for suckers.
<a href="https://bohiney.com/the-glamour-of-grift/">GriftCon Las Vegas</a>: Your <a href="https://bohiney.com/donald-j-trumps-inaugural-address-leaked-to-the-press/">future</a> felony starts here.
The post <a href="https://bohiney.com/hollywood-brawls-over-scammers-script/">Hollywood Brawls Over Scammers’ Script</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bohiney.com">Bohiney News</a>.
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<item>
<title>Trump’s “Productivity Club”</title>
<link>https://bohiney.com/trumps-productivity-club/</link>
<dc:creator><![CDATA[Alan Nafzger]]></dc:creator>
<pubDate>Sun, 27 Apr 2025 14:09:10 +0000</pubDate>
<category><![CDATA[News]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[Politics]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[Executive Branch club]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[Marxist losers]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[productive Americans]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[Trump allies]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[Trump club satire]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[Trump enemies]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[Trump friends and enemies]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[Trump productivity]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[Trump satire]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[Trump winners]]></category>
<guid isPermaLink="false">https://bohiney.com/?p=13824</guid>
<description><![CDATA[Winners and Losers & Trump’s “Productivity Club”: Where the Builders Get Rich and the Complainers...
The post <a href="https://bohiney.com/trumps-productivity-club/">Trump’s “Productivity Club”</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bohiney.com">Bohiney News</a>.
]]></description>
<content:encoded><![CDATA[<h2 class="" data-start="287" data-end="401">Winners and Losers & Trump’s “Productivity Club”: Where the Builders Get Rich and the Complainers Get Podcasts</h2>
When <a href="https://bohiney.com/donald-trump-is-actually-weird/">Donald Trump</a> Jr. and Omeed Malik announced the opening of <a href="https://bohiney.com/trumps-productivity-club/">The Executive Branch</a> — an exclusive $500,000+ membership club for America’s most ultra-productive, overachieving, and inconveniently based individuals — the <a href="https://bohiney.com/myanmars-earthquake-saga/">tectonic plates</a> under <a href="https://bohiney.com/procrastination-reaches-all-time-high-experts-say-theyll-study-it-tomorrow/">Washington D.C.</a> shifted.
<a class="lar-automated-link" href="http://bohiney.com" target="_blank">Bohiney Magazine</a> (certified 127% funnier than <a class="lar-automated-link" href="https://bohiney.com/the-onion/" 11402 target="_blank">The Onion</a>) is proud to <a href="https://bohiney.com/donald-trumps-christmas-message/">present</a> a full <a href="https://bohiney.com/satirical-meaning-methods-madness/">satirical</a> analysis:
<ul data-start="795" data-end="990">
<li class="" data-start="795" data-end="891">
The winners: people who paid attention in school and turned their homework in early.
</li>
<li class="" data-start="892" data-end="990">
The <a href="https://bohiney.com/hooters-bankruptcy/">losers</a>: people who still think an unpaid internship at <a href="https://bohiney.com/brian-manns-fentanyl-follies/">NPR</a> is the pinnacle of existence.
</li>
</ul>
<hr class="" data-start="992" data-end="995">
<h2 class="" data-start="997" data-end="1047">The Winners: Builders, Hustlers, and Dealmakers</h2>
<h3 class="" data-start="1049" data-end="1103">Donald Trump Jr.: The Valedictorian of Inheritance</h3>
Donald <a href="https://bohiney.com/trump-targets-the-zombie-vote/">Trump</a> Jr. is what happens when an MBA, a hunting rifle, and a <a href="https://bohiney.com/trump-vs-harris-debate/">Twitter</a> account are left alone in a room and told to raise themselves.
While Washington losers are still arguing about <a href="https://bohiney.com/transgender-senator-outraged/">pronouns</a>, Don Jr. is fundraising, founding clubs, and dropping <a href="https://bohiney.com/morning-joes-trip-to-mar-a-lago/">memes</a> at Mach 3.
Personal Story: At the opening gala of The Executive Branch, Don Jr. closed five business deals, downed six bourbons, and rescued a bald eagle from an <a href="https://bohiney.com/hud-braces-as-doge-seeks-to-cut-waste-and-fraud/">emotional support</a> group — before 10 PM.
<hr class="" data-start="1582" data-end="1585">
<h3 class="" data-start="1587" data-end="1622">Omeed Malik: Ivy League Avenger</h3>
Omeed Malik graduated from Columbia Law and promptly decided that “virtue signaling” was less lucrative than actual <a href="https://bohiney.com/billionaire-predicts-recession-immediately-causes-one/">capitalism</a>.
He co-founded The Executive Branch with the noble mission of separating the wheat from the whiners.
Quote from a Member: “If Omeed Malik had been around in 1776, the <a href="https://bohiney.com/trump-2028/">Founding Fathers</a> would’ve asked him to draft the <a href="https://bohiney.com/biden-declares-equal-rights-amendment-ratified-because-he-said-so/">Constitution</a> — and he would’ve added a <a href="https://bohiney.com/astroforge-is-lost-in-space/">venture capital</a> clause.”
<hr class="" data-start="2058" data-end="2061">
<h3 class="" data-start="2063" data-end="2113">David Sacks: Silicon Valley’s Defector General</h3>
Once a <a href="https://bohiney.com/silicon-valley-is-sick-and-tired-of-its-marxist-employees/">PayPal</a> mafioso, David Sacks saw the woke tide coming and paddled faster than a salmon in bear season.
Instead of wasting time designing “inclusive fonts,” Sacks was busy building billion-dollar companies that actually made things — like profit.
Observation: “While <a href="https://bohiney.com/zuckerbergs-brain-reading-technology/">Zuckerberg</a> was inventing the Metaverse, Sacks <a href="https://bohiney.com/invented-truth/">invented</a> a retirement plan that doesn’t suck.”
<hr class="" data-start="2503" data-end="2506">
<h3 class="" data-start="2508" data-end="2580">Chamath Palihapitiya: Capitalist With a Conscience (and a Portfolio)</h3>
Chamath took <a href="https://bohiney.com/mark-zuckerbergs-libertarian-awakening/">Facebook</a> stock options and parlayed them into enough money to buy three countries and a small <a href="https://bohiney.com/nasa-discovers-a-strange-object-on-the-moon/">moon</a> if he wanted.
While his enemies were learning about “emotional <a href="https://bohiney.com/ken-martins-magical-mystery-tour/">labor</a>,” Chamath was learning how to double market caps before <a href="https://bohiney.com/breakfast-upgrades-to-give-you-more-energy/">breakfast</a>.
Eyewitness Account: At the club launch, Chamath was overheard saying, “Feelings are for quarterly earnings calls — not <a href="https://bohiney.com/critical-thinking-overrated/">decision-making</a>.”
<hr class="" data-start="2988" data-end="2991">
<h3 class="" data-start="2993" data-end="3051">Tyler and Cameron Winklevoss: Bitcoin’s Double Dragons</h3>
The Winklevoss twins rowed their way from the Harvard boathouse to the <a href="https://bohiney.com/president-biden-announces-plan-to-cut-national-debt-by-turning-it-into-an-nft/">blockchain</a>, creating <a href="https://bohiney.com/these-billionaires-could-buy-tiktok/">crypto</a> empires bigger than Zuckerberg’s ego.
Today, they walk into The Executive Branch with matching Rolexes, full crypto portfolios, and an attitude that says, “Yeah, we won after all, nerds.”
<hr class="" data-start="3352" data-end="3355">
<h3 class="" data-start="3357" data-end="3402">Chris Buskirk: The Conservative Workhorse</h3>
Chris Buskirk is the rare pundit who doesn’t just talk about capitalism — he runs businesses on the side.
While losers organize town halls to talk about “reimagining capitalism,” Buskirk is too busy re-imagining how many zeroes he can add to his portfolio.
<hr class="" data-start="3673" data-end="3676">
<h3 class="" data-start="3678" data-end="3737">Zach and Alex Witkoff: Titans of Real Estate (Under 30)</h3>
Zach and Alex Witkoff inherited not just money — but hustle <a href="https://bohiney.com/stem-gender-crisis/">DNA</a>.
At the launch party, they bought three distressed properties, launched a <a href="https://bohiney.com/taylor-swift-redefining-property-ownership-one-mansion-at-a-time/">real estate</a> app, and ghosted a woke hedge funder — all while ordering shrimp cocktails.
<hr class="" data-start="3975" data-end="3978">
<h3 class="" data-start="3980" data-end="4045">Karoline Leavitt: The Press Secretary With Fire in Her Tweets</h3>
While most communications directors sound like <a href="https://bohiney.com/people-who-say-im-not-a-robot-might-actually-be-robots/">robots</a> programmed by HR, Karoline Leavitt actually knows how to complete a sentence — and destroy a narrative — without crying.
She once issued a 600-word clapback faster than <a href="https://bohiney.com/pope-francis-declares-legacy-media-causes-brain-rot/">CNN</a> could misquote it.
<hr class="" data-start="4303" data-end="4306">
<h3 class="" data-start="4308" data-end="4362">Elon Musk: The Industrial Revolution In Human Form</h3>
<a href="https://bohiney.com/top-10-weird-business-leaders-in-history/">Elon Musk</a> isn’t just a winner — he’s a <a href="https://bohiney.com/procrastination-study/">productivity</a> tsunami.
He builds <a href="https://bohiney.com/elon-musks-brain/">rockets</a>, cars, tunnels, robots, satellite networks, and now apparently also builds the club memberships he’s too busy to attend.
Musk’s presence at The Executive Branch is so powerful he reportedly launched a new startup in the valet line.
Analogy: Hiring Musk for productivity is like hiring a tornado to sweep your driveway — chaotic, unstoppable, and somehow magnificent.
At the opening gala, Musk was overheard pitching a brain chip that lets you file <a href="https://bohiney.com/gov-hochuls-252-billion-spending/">taxes</a> and learn Portuguese simultaneously. (Some say he already installed it in Don Jr.)
<hr class="" data-start="5023" data-end="5026">
<h3 class="" data-start="5028" data-end="5085">Bernie Moreno: Car Salesman Turned Senate Powerbroker</h3>
Bernie Moreno once sold luxury cars. Now he sells freedom with the same persuasive tone.
He’s the only senator who lists “capital investment” under “hobbies” and “destroying socialism” under “skills.”
<hr>
<hr>
<h2 class="" data-start="334" data-end="408">The Losers: Crybabies, Slackers, Marxists, and Professional Complainers</h2>
While the winners of <a href="https://bohiney.com/europe-unanimously-agrees/">America</a> were inside The Executive Branch sipping $500 glasses of Macallan and swapping deal flow like baseball cards, the losers were outside — huddled around a single iPhone hotspot, composing their next Change.org petition titled, “Ban <a href="https://bohiney.com/should-americas-ai-work-be-secret/">Billionaires</a> from Having Fun.”
Let’s meet the heroes of their own sad stories.
<hr class="" data-start="756" data-end="759">
<h3 class="" data-start="761" data-end="802">Adam Schiff: The King of Make-Believe</h3>
Adam Schiff’s productivity includes:
<ul data-start="845" data-end="971">
<li class="" data-start="845" data-end="866">
Five investigations
</li>
<li class="" data-start="867" data-end="885">
Zero convictions
</li>
<li class="" data-start="886" data-end="971">
Six <a href="https://bohiney.com/netflix-or-neverflix-the-eternal-dilemma-of-subscription-choices/">Netflix</a> pitches about his “heroic” journaling habits during committee <a href="https://bohiney.com/scientists-confirm-the-more-meetings-the-less-work-gets-done/">meetings</a>.
</li>
</ul>
Eyewitnesses reported Schiff wandering the sidewalk outside The Executive Branch muttering, “This isn’t over,” to a tree.
<hr class="" data-start="1098" data-end="1101">
<h3 class="" data-start="1103" data-end="1154">Justin Trudeau: The Prime Minister of Apologies</h3>
<a href="https://bohiney.com/decline-of-the-progressive-moment-in-global-politics/">Justin Trudeau</a> believes the only way to run a <a href="https://bohiney.com/ai-now-generating-laws-congress-declares-itself-non-essential/">government</a> is through frequent national apologies — including to snowbanks, moderately offended baristas, and the ghost of Pierre <a href="https://bohiney.com/america-declares-canada-the-51st-state/">Trudeau</a> for ruining the family name.
At the Executive Branch gate, Trudeau was seen offering hand-written <a href="https://bohiney.com/hakeem-jeffries-calls-for-democrats-to-fornicate-in-the-streets/">apology</a> coupons to anyone who made eye contact.
<hr class="" data-start="1492" data-end="1495">
<h3 class="" data-start="1497" data-end="1542">Emmanuel Macron: Revolution by PowerPoint</h3>
<a href="https://bohiney.com/the-real-threat-iseurope/">Emmanuel Macron</a> genuinely thinks the best way to handle a farmers’ rebellion is through an eight-step action plan involving baguette subsidies, artisanal <a href="https://bohiney.com/bienvenue-to-france/">cheese</a> discussions, and tear gas.
While Executive Branch members are brokering power deals, <a href="https://bohiney.com/what-did-zelensky-say-to-anger-trump-and-vance/">Macron</a> is brokering ceasefires between vegan protesters and police horses.
<hr class="" data-start="1875" data-end="1878">
<h3 class="" data-start="1880" data-end="1922">Angela Merkel: Chancellor of the Shrug</h3>
Angela Merkel led the EU through every crisis with a <a href="https://bohiney.com/judge-trump-is-out-and-aniston-is-in/">leadership</a> <a href="https://bohiney.com/david-muirs-narcissistic-fashion-moves-while-covering-la-wildfires/">style</a> best described as “persistent dithering.”
During the Executive Branch’s ribbon-cutting, Merkel reportedly tried to negotiate a middle-ground membership where she could join the cigar lounge but not endorse capitalism too loudly.
Denied. Firm handshake. Moving on.
<hr class="" data-start="2271" data-end="2274">
<h3 class="" data-start="2276" data-end="2310">Joe Biden: Ice Cream Truck CEO</h3>
President Joe <a href="https://bohiney.com/biden-out-damn-spot-out/">Biden</a>‘s biggest accomplishment in the last six months? Correctly identifying butter pecan as his favorite <a href="https://bohiney.com/chicagos-deportation-drama/">ice</a> cream flavor — three times in a row without losing his train of thought.
Poll: 61% of Americans now believe that Biden’s day planner just says “Naptime” between every public event.
<hr class="" data-start="2631" data-end="2634">
<h3 class="" data-start="2636" data-end="2691">Nancy Pelosi: Lifetime Achievement in Grandstanding</h3>
Nancy Pelosi’s career is one long interpretive dance of pretending to do things.
Her leadership style is less “decisive general” and more “stage mom desperate for a standing ovation.”
Pelosi reportedly applied for Executive Branch membership under “Performance Art,” but was rejected due to insufficient net worth and excessive Chardonnay consumption.
<hr class="" data-start="3060" data-end="3063">
<figure id="attachment_13827" aria-describedby="caption-attachment-13827" style="width: 640px" class="wp-caption aligncenter"><a href="https://bohiney.com/trumps-productivity-club/"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" class="wp-image-13827 size-large" title="BOHINEY MAGAZINE - A wide, humorous Toni Bohiney-style cartoon. Scene Outside a crumbling old brick building labeled 'Losers Club HQ.' Cartoon characters with messy hair, ... - bohiney.com" src="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-MAGAZINE-A-wide-humorous-Toni-Bohiney-style-cartoon.-Scene_-Outside-a-crumbling-old-brick-building-labeled-Losers-Club-HQ.-Cartoon-characters-with-messy-hair-.-bohiney.com--1024x585.webp" alt="BOHINEY MAGAZINE - A wide, humorous Toni Bohiney-style cartoon. Scene Outside a crumbling old brick building labeled 'Losers Club HQ.' Cartoon characters with messy hair, ... - bohiney.com" width="640" height="366" srcset="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-MAGAZINE-A-wide-humorous-Toni-Bohiney-style-cartoon.-Scene_-Outside-a-crumbling-old-brick-building-labeled-Losers-Club-HQ.-Cartoon-characters-with-messy-hair-.-bohiney.com--1024x585.webp 1024w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-MAGAZINE-A-wide-humorous-Toni-Bohiney-style-cartoon.-Scene_-Outside-a-crumbling-old-brick-building-labeled-Losers-Club-HQ.-Cartoon-characters-with-messy-hair-.-bohiney.com--300x171.webp 300w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-MAGAZINE-A-wide-humorous-Toni-Bohiney-style-cartoon.-Scene_-Outside-a-crumbling-old-brick-building-labeled-Losers-Club-HQ.-Cartoon-characters-with-messy-hair-.-bohiney.com--768x439.webp 768w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-MAGAZINE-A-wide-humorous-Toni-Bohiney-style-cartoon.-Scene_-Outside-a-crumbling-old-brick-building-labeled-Losers-Club-HQ.-Cartoon-characters-with-messy-hair-.-bohiney.com--1536x878.webp 1536w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-MAGAZINE-A-wide-humorous-Toni-Bohiney-style-cartoon.-Scene_-Outside-a-crumbling-old-brick-building-labeled-Losers-Club-HQ.-Cartoon-characters-with-messy-hair-.-bohiney.com-.webp 1792w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px" /></a><figcaption id="caption-attachment-13827" class="wp-caption-text"><a class="lar-automated-link" href="http://bohiney.com" target="_blank">BOHINEY MAGAZINE</a> – A wide, humorous Toni Bohiney-style cartoon. Scene Outside a crumbling old brick building labeled ‘Losers Club HQ.’ Cartoon characters with messy hair, … – <a href="https://bohiney.com/trumps-productivity-club/">bohiney.com</a></figcaption></figure>
<div class="mceTemp"></div>
<h2 class="" data-start="3065" data-end="3110">New Additions: The Marxist Wing of Whining</h2>
As promised, three <a href="https://bohiney.com/protester-falls-from-cliff-while-displaying-upside-down-american-flag-at-yosemite/">Marxist</a> Americans who embody the absolute opposite of productivity — a lifestyle rich in complaint but bankrupt in results.
<hr class="" data-start="3260" data-end="3263">
<h3 class="" data-start="3265" data-end="3330">Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: Instagram’s Greatest Marxist Export</h3>
<a href="https://bohiney.com/2025-the-daytona-500/">AOC</a> has managed to turn being a bartender, a backbencher, and an Instagrammer into a lucrative personal brand of productive-looking unproductivity.
At The Executive Branch, real estate moguls and tech founders shook hands. Outside, AOC shook a ring light and yelled “Workers of the World, Like and Subscribe!”
Statistical Fact: 93% of her legislative proposals have been retweets.
<hr class="" data-start="3734" data-end="3737">
<h3 class="" data-start="3739" data-end="3783">Bernie Sanders: Vermont’s Grumpy Grandpa</h3>
<a href="https://bohiney.com/swearing-in-ceremony-or-just-swearing/">Bernie Sanders</a> could’ve been an economic thinker. Instead, he’s the human equivalent of that old guy at Denny’s who keeps yelling at the waitress about “the proletariat” while ordering the senior discount.
At The Executive Branch’s open bar, Bernie was not invited — primarily because the club’s champagne flutes cost more than his average tax proposal allows.
<hr class="" data-start="4156" data-end="4159">
<h3 class="" data-start="4161" data-end="4212">Shaun King: Professional Grievance Entrepreneur</h3>
Shaun King built an entire brand around <a href="https://bohiney.com/gen-z-and-millennials-have-redefined-sustainable/">social media</a> outrage, mismanaged donations, and producing exactly zero <a href="https://bohiney.com/congress-unmasked/">legislation</a>, businesses, or employment for anyone except himself.
He once said he’s a freedom <a href="https://bohiney.com/the-new-power-of-mma/">fighter</a> — mostly fighting for a better Wi-Fi signal at Brooklyn cafés.
Outside The Executive Branch, King attempted to organize a boycott <a href="https://bohiney.com/trump-unleashes-a-torant-of-tweets/">rally</a> but canceled it when Uber surge pricing got too high.
<hr class="" data-start="4632" data-end="4635">
<h2 class="" data-start="4637" data-end="4672">What the Funny People Are Saying</h2>
“If whining were productivity, the <a href="https://bohiney.com/dncs-special-guest-that-never-arrived/">DNC</a> would already have six IPOs.” — <a href="https://bohiney.com/jerry-seinfeld-says-tv-comedy-is-being-killed-by-the-extreme-left-and-p-c-crap/">Jerry Seinfeld</a>
“Biden’s five-year plan is to finish a three-minute <a href="https://bohiney.com/donald-j-trumps-inaugural-address-leaked-to-the-press/">speech</a> without getting lost.” — Ron <a href="https://bohiney.com/wine-not-the-athletes-guide-to-parisian-pubs/">White</a>
“AOC says she’s building the future, but I’ve seen more construction at abandoned RadioShacks.” — <a href="https://bohiney.com/meta-ends-fact-checking-program/">Larry David</a>
“If Bernie Sanders wrote a productivity manual, it would just say ‘seize an <a href="https://bohiney.com/nations-millennials-now-fully-blaming-gen-z-for-everything-wrong-with-the-world/">avocado toast</a> and overthrow brunch.’” — <a href="https://bohiney.com/10-things-frugal-people-never-spend-money-on/">Sarah Silverman</a>
“Shaun King once started a fundraiser to build a statue of himself being oppressed by success.” — <a href="https://bohiney.com/trumps-victory-and-the-return-of-masculinity/">Amy Schumer</a>
<hr class="" data-start="5241" data-end="5244">
<h2 class="" data-start="5246" data-end="5321">Final Satirical Conclusion: Builders vs. Moaners, America’s Final Divide</h2>
At The Executive Branch, productivity isn’t just a buzzword — it’s the price of entry. If you didn’t build a business, a movement, or a meaningful meme, you’re not on the guest list.
The winners of this new America don’t <a href="https://bohiney.com/usaid-fraue-and-waste/">waste</a> time in grievance circles. They build rockets, companies, yachts, and occasionally satirical magazines just to remind the slackers who’s winning.
Meanwhile, the whiners gather outside, clutching artisanal tote bags and writing angry TikToks about “late-stage capitalism” — on phones made by the very capitalism they claim to hate.
Productivity wins. Excuses don’t.
<a href="https://bohiney.com/sex-in-the-olympic-village/">Auf Wiedersehen</a> from <a class="lar-automated-link" href="http://bohiney.com" target="_blank">Bohiney Magazine</a>, where <a href="https://bohiney.com/amy-schumer-renounces-napping/">jokes</a> are sharp, facts are funnier, and the divide between winners and whiners has never been wider.
<hr class="" data-start="6102" data-end="6105">
Written 100% by human beings — a cowboy and a farmer, who got bored waiting for <a href="https://bohiney.com/eric-adams-the-american-hero/">Marxists</a> to launch even one functioning app.
<div class="mceTemp"></div>
<figure id="attachment_13830" aria-describedby="caption-attachment-13830" style="width: 640px" class="wp-caption aligncenter"><a href="https://bohiney.com/trumps-productivity-club/"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" class="wp-image-13830 size-large" title="BOHINEY MAGAZINE - A wide, humorous Toni Bohiney-style cartoon. Scene Inside an extravagant luxury golf club lounge labeled 'Winners Club.' Cartoon characters dressed in r... - bohiney.com" src="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-MAGAZINE-A-wide-humorous-Toni-Bohiney-style-cartoon.-Scene_-Inside-an-extravagant-luxury-golf-club-lounge-labeled-Winners-Club.-Cartoon-characters-dressed-in-r.-bohiney.com--1024x585.webp" alt="BOHINEY MAGAZINE - A wide, humorous Toni Bohiney-style cartoon. Scene Inside an extravagant luxury golf club lounge labeled 'Winners Club.' Cartoon characters dressed in r... - bohiney.com" width="640" height="366" srcset="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-MAGAZINE-A-wide-humorous-Toni-Bohiney-style-cartoon.-Scene_-Inside-an-extravagant-luxury-golf-club-lounge-labeled-Winners-Club.-Cartoon-characters-dressed-in-r.-bohiney.com--1024x585.webp 1024w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-MAGAZINE-A-wide-humorous-Toni-Bohiney-style-cartoon.-Scene_-Inside-an-extravagant-luxury-golf-club-lounge-labeled-Winners-Club.-Cartoon-characters-dressed-in-r.-bohiney.com--300x171.webp 300w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-MAGAZINE-A-wide-humorous-Toni-Bohiney-style-cartoon.-Scene_-Inside-an-extravagant-luxury-golf-club-lounge-labeled-Winners-Club.-Cartoon-characters-dressed-in-r.-bohiney.com--768x439.webp 768w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-MAGAZINE-A-wide-humorous-Toni-Bohiney-style-cartoon.-Scene_-Inside-an-extravagant-luxury-golf-club-lounge-labeled-Winners-Club.-Cartoon-characters-dressed-in-r.-bohiney.com--1536x878.webp 1536w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-MAGAZINE-A-wide-humorous-Toni-Bohiney-style-cartoon.-Scene_-Inside-an-extravagant-luxury-golf-club-lounge-labeled-Winners-Club.-Cartoon-characters-dressed-in-r.-bohiney.com-.webp 1792w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px" /></a><figcaption id="caption-attachment-13830" class="wp-caption-text"><a class="lar-automated-link" href="http://bohiney.com" target="_blank">BOHINEY MAGAZINE</a> – A wide, humorous Toni Bohiney-style cartoon. Scene Inside an extravagant luxury <a href="https://bohiney.com/trump-declares-himself-worlds-greatest-president-after-winning-a-rigged-mar-a-lago-golf-tournament/">golf</a> club lounge labeled ‘Winners Club.’ Cartoon characters dressed in r… – <a href="https://bohiney.com/trumps-productivity-club/">bohiney.com</a></figcaption></figure>
<h2 class="" data-start="179" data-end="238">What Trump’s Friends Have in Common: The Builders’ Creed</h2>
At The Executive Branch and beyond, Trump’s <a href="https://bohiney.com/jennifer-aniston-proven-the-cause-of-obama-divorce/">friends</a>, allies, and fellow overachievers share a distinct DNA sequence — unofficially known as “Productivitis Maximus.”
Here’s what Trump’s friends all have in common:
<ul data-start="467" data-end="1965">
<li class="" data-start="467" data-end="613">
They Build Things: Companies, brands, apartment towers, memes, lawsuits — whatever it is, they produce results instead of <a href="https://bohiney.com/bumper-stickers-and-their-viral-meme-makeover/">bumper stickers</a>.
</li>
<li class="" data-start="617" data-end="771">
They Like Profit More Than Applause: They’d rather have a successful product than a “brave” retweet. They measure virtue in net worth, not hashtags.
</li>
<li class="" data-start="773" data-end="921">
They Paid Attention in School (and Skipped the Gender Studies Electives): Most could spell “capital gains” before they could legally drink.
</li>
<li class="" data-start="923" data-end="1053">
They Take Risks: These are the types who would rather lose a billion dollars trying than win a participation trophy whining.
</li>
<li class="" data-start="1055" data-end="1197">
They Move Fast: In Trump’s world, if you’re still waiting for a committee to finish its “Impact Assessment Study,” you’re already fired.
</li>
<li class="" data-start="1199" data-end="1346">
They Understand Loyalty: Loyalty is earned, expected, and rewarded — not traded for <a href="https://bohiney.com/welcome-to-the-internets-echo-chamber/">political</a> favors or sold out for <a href="https://bohiney.com/trump-and-msnbc/">MSNBC</a> guest spots.
</li>
<li class="" data-start="1348" data-end="1485">
They Work 80 Hours So They Can Mock the Guy Complaining About His 38-Hour Workweek: Productivity is a badge of honor, not a burden.
</li>
<li class="" data-start="1487" data-end="1665">
They Own Their Failures (and Turn Them Into Lecture Fees): Failure isn’t a scarlet letter — it’s the first chapter of the success memoir they’ll sell at $29.99 on <a href="https://bohiney.com/tesla-to-eclipse-tech-titans-with-robot-army/">Amazon</a>.
</li>
<li class="" data-start="1667" data-end="1815">
They Get Rich While Everyone Else Gets Distracted: While the <a href="https://bohiney.com/trump-2-0-the-art-of-the-steal/">media</a> hyperventilates over mean tweets, they quietly quadruple their portfolio.
</li>
<li class="" data-start="1817" data-end="1965">
They Laugh at <a href="https://bohiney.com/pete-hegseths-tattoos/">Cancel Culture</a> While Buying the Entire Building Hosting the <a href="https://bohiney.com/how-can-something-be-ngo-if-the-government-is-paying/">Protest</a>: Protest all you want — your <a href="https://bohiney.com/local-man-wins-lottery-still-cant-afford-rent/">rent</a> check clears either way.
</li>
</ul>
<hr class="" data-start="1967" data-end="1970">
<figure id="attachment_13829" aria-describedby="caption-attachment-13829" style="width: 640px" class="wp-caption aligncenter"><a href="https://bohiney.com/trumps-productivity-club/"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" class="wp-image-13829 size-large" title="BOHINEY MAGAZINE - A wide, exaggerated Toni Bohiney-style cartoon. Scene Inside a gloomy community center labeled 'Losers Club Social.' Cartoon characters with messy hair,... - bohiney.com" src="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-MAGAZINE-A-wide-exaggerated-Toni-Bohiney-style-cartoon.-Scene_-Inside-a-gloomy-community-center-labeled-Losers-Club-Social.-Cartoon-characters-with-messy-hair.-bohiney.com--1024x585.webp" alt="BOHINEY MAGAZINE - A wide, exaggerated Toni Bohiney-style cartoon. Scene Inside a gloomy community center labeled 'Losers Club Social.' Cartoon characters with messy hair,... - bohiney.com" width="640" height="366" srcset="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-MAGAZINE-A-wide-exaggerated-Toni-Bohiney-style-cartoon.-Scene_-Inside-a-gloomy-community-center-labeled-Losers-Club-Social.-Cartoon-characters-with-messy-hair.-bohiney.com--1024x585.webp 1024w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-MAGAZINE-A-wide-exaggerated-Toni-Bohiney-style-cartoon.-Scene_-Inside-a-gloomy-community-center-labeled-Losers-Club-Social.-Cartoon-characters-with-messy-hair.-bohiney.com--300x171.webp 300w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-MAGAZINE-A-wide-exaggerated-Toni-Bohiney-style-cartoon.-Scene_-Inside-a-gloomy-community-center-labeled-Losers-Club-Social.-Cartoon-characters-with-messy-hair.-bohiney.com--768x439.webp 768w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-MAGAZINE-A-wide-exaggerated-Toni-Bohiney-style-cartoon.-Scene_-Inside-a-gloomy-community-center-labeled-Losers-Club-Social.-Cartoon-characters-with-messy-hair.-bohiney.com--1536x878.webp 1536w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-MAGAZINE-A-wide-exaggerated-Toni-Bohiney-style-cartoon.-Scene_-Inside-a-gloomy-community-center-labeled-Losers-Club-Social.-Cartoon-characters-with-messy-hair.-bohiney.com-.webp 1792w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px" /></a><figcaption id="caption-attachment-13829" class="wp-caption-text"><a class="lar-automated-link" href="http://bohiney.com" target="_blank">BOHINEY MAGAZINE</a> – A wide, <a href="https://bohiney.com/the-future-of-nfl-and-netflix/">exaggerated</a> Toni Bohiney-style cartoon. Scene Inside a gloomy community center labeled ‘Losers Club Social.’ Cartoon characters with messy hair,… – <a href="https://bohiney.com/olympians-given-condoms-in-paris/">bohiney.com</a></figcaption></figure>
<h2 class="" data-start="1972" data-end="2038">What Trump’s Enemies Have in Common: The Complainers’ Manifesto</h2>
Now let’s spin around to Trump’s enemies: a sad orchestra of moaners, Marxists, academic aristocrats, and professional grievance consultants.
Here’s what Trump’s enemies all have in common:
<ul data-start="2240" data-end="4061">
<li class="" data-start="2240" data-end="2387">
They Confuse Complaining for Contribution: They believe that typing “late-stage capitalism is evil” on a $1,200 iPhone counts as <a href="https://bohiney.com/climate-change-summit-delayed-due-to-bad-weather/">activism</a>.
</li>
<li class="" data-start="2389" data-end="2514">
They Have a Master’s Degree in Theoretical Outrage: And a minor in Repackaging Failure as “Speaking <a href="https://bohiney.com/can-america-finally-admit-the-truth/">Truth</a> to Power.”
</li>
<li class="" data-start="2516" data-end="2698">
They Hate Wealth (Unless It’s Booked Through Patreon): They rant about “billionaire oppression” while quietly funneling Super PAC money into their organic beard balm startup.
</li>
<li class="" data-start="2700" data-end="2908">
They Can’t Build Anything (Except Committees to Study the Possibility of Building Something Someday): If given a hammer, they’d form a 12-person subcommittee to discuss its “colonialist implications.”
</li>
<li class="" data-start="2910" data-end="3123">
They Need Constant Therapy Sessions to <a href="https://bohiney.com/bohiney-editorial-process/">Process</a> Losing Elections: Every loss is explained as “a trauma event.” Every rejection is “systemic oppression.” Every missed opportunity is “a social construct.”
</li>
<li class="" data-start="3125" data-end="3323">
They Believe Emotions Are More Reliable Than Outcomes: Actual quote overheard from an AOC intern: “It’s not about results. It’s about how loudly you feel about the results you didn’t get.”
</li>
<li class="" data-start="3325" data-end="3506">
They Preach Equality but Secretly Rank Each Other by Wokeness Points: Even among themselves, they create petty hierarchies based on how many causes you hashtagged that week.
</li>
<li class="" data-start="3508" data-end="3693">
They Hate Meritocracy Because It Keeps Handing Promotions to People Who Deserve Them: In Trump’s world, results matter. In their world, intentions should come with a salary.
</li>
<li class="" data-start="3695" data-end="3866">
They Celebrate Victimhood as a Lifestyle Brand: They proudly list grievances like achievements — as if surviving a harsh tweet is equivalent to surviving Normandy.
</li>
<li class="" data-start="3868" data-end="4061">
They Think Building a Club Like The Executive Branch is “Exclusionary”… While They Exclude Anyone with a Mortgage: They call exclusivity “elitist” until it’s their TED Talk invite list.
</li>
</ul>
<hr class="" data-start="4063" data-end="4066">
<h2 class="" data-start="4068" data-end="4097">Final Satirical Verdict:</h2>
<ul data-start="4098" data-end="4352">
<li class="" data-start="4098" data-end="4222">
Trump’s friends build skyscrapers, rockets, brands, movements, and dinner parties that could topple whole governments.
</li>
<li class="" data-start="4223" data-end="4352">
Trump’s enemies build Slack channels, complaint forums, go-fund-me sob stories, and yet another nonprofit nobody asked for.
</li>
</ul>
The Builders Own the Future.
The Complainers Own a <a href="https://bohiney.com/chuck-todd-celebrates-500-followers/">Podcast</a> No One Listens To.
<blockquote class="wp-embedded-content" data-secret="AvDaSWtX3X"><a href="https://bohiney.com/trumps-productivity-club/">Trump’s “Productivity Club”</a></blockquote>
<iframe loading="lazy" class="wp-embedded-content" sandbox="allow-scripts" security="restricted" title="“Trump’s “Productivity Club”” — Bohiney News" src="https://bohiney.com/trumps-productivity-club/embed/#?secret=3b2BrJSRvo#?secret=AvDaSWtX3X" data-secret="AvDaSWtX3X" width="600" height="338" frameborder="0" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" scrolling="no"></iframe>
 
The post <a href="https://bohiney.com/trumps-productivity-club/">Trump’s “Productivity Club”</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bohiney.com">Bohiney News</a>.
]]></content:encoded>
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<title>Benson Iris Show 2025 Delivers Petals, Punchlines, and Pure Joy</title>
<link>https://bohiney.com/benson-iris-show-2025-delivers-petals-punchlines-and-pure-joy/</link>
<dc:creator><![CDATA[Elinor Jørgensen Journalist]]></dc:creator>
<pubDate>Sun, 27 Apr 2025 12:38:35 +0000</pubDate>
<category><![CDATA[Culture]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[Entertainment]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[2025 texas iris bloom festival]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[benson iris competition wichita falls]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[benson iris show wichita falls 2025]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[benson iris society show 2025]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[iris bloom showcase wichita falls]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[iris flower show wichita falls 2025]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[iris growers show texas 2025]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[texas iris gardening event 2025]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[wichita falls flower competition 2025]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[wichita falls iris flower show]]></category>
<guid isPermaLink="false">https://bohiney.com/?p=13809</guid>
<description><![CDATA[Wichita Falls Blooms Big: Benson Iris Show 2025 Delivers Petals, Punchlines, and Pure Joy In...
The post <a href="https://bohiney.com/benson-iris-show-2025-delivers-petals-punchlines-and-pure-joy/">Benson Iris Show 2025 Delivers Petals, Punchlines, and Pure Joy</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bohiney.com">Bohiney News</a>.
]]></description>
<content:encoded><![CDATA[<h2 style="padding-left: 40px;">Wichita Falls Blooms Big: Benson Iris Show 2025 Delivers Petals, Punchlines, and Pure Joy</h2>
In a world where grocery store flowers look like they lost a bar fight, the 2025 Benson Iris Show in <a href="https://bohiney.com/new-smartwatch-feature-tells-time/">Wichita Falls</a> felt like stepping into a botanical <a href="https://bohiney.com/karla-sofia-gascon-netflixs-pr-nightmare/">Oscars</a> – only with fewer <a href="https://bohiney.com/iranian-drones-take-a-detour-to-new-jersey-skipping-texas/">security</a> guards and way more floral sass.
Held under sunny skies that even the irises seemed to be flirting with, the show exploded into a riot of colors so bright that several husbands were seen pretending to know what “periwinkle” meant. (Spoiler: They don’t. They just nodded and said, “Oh yeah, totally.”)
Despite Mother Nature trying to sabotage the event with a hailstorm earlier in the season – because even the <a href="https://bohiney.com/climate-change-summit-delayed-due-to-bad-weather/">weather</a> in Wichita Falls has a flair for drama – the community pulled together, rescheduled, replanted, and rebloomed like champions.
If resilience were a flower, it would’ve taken Best in Show.
“My iris ‘Dawn’s Early Blunder’ didn’t win, but the judges said it had ‘personality.’ That’s what my ex-wife said about my cooking, too, right before she left.” – Betty Lou “Bloom Whisperer” Sanders
<h3>Local Dads Were Overheard Pretending to Know About Flowers</h3>
Every third man in the building said, “Yup, that’s a… real nice, uh, ‘flowery one.'”(And honestly, bless their supportive, confused hearts.)
<h3>More Variety Than a State Fair Deep Fry Stand</h3>
Walking into the Benson Iris Show was like getting whacked in the face with a velvet glove dipped in rainbows. There were irises with names like “Bewilderbeast” and “Sugar Overdose” and “Midnight Cowboy” – basically, flower names that sounded like they could either be a fine perfume or a rejected <a href="https://bohiney.com/donald-trump-to-save-hollywood/">Clint Eastwood</a> movie.
Local growers showed off every shade from “nuclear meltdown yellow” to “if sadness had wings” blue. At one point, a woman was overheard saying:
“If these flowers were dresses, I’d be in <a href="https://bohiney.com/hooters-bankruptcy/">bankruptcy</a> court by Friday.”
And honestly? Same.
“I tried hybridizing irises once. Turns out you can’t just plant two next to each other and play Barry <a href="https://bohiney.com/wine-not-the-athletes-guide-to-parisian-pubs/">White</a>. Learned that the hard way.” – Hank “Petal Hustler” Brody
<h3>Family Friendly – Unless You’re Allergic to Pollen or Bad Puns</h3>
Kids darted between the flower displays with all the subtlety of caffeinated squirrels, while their parents learned fun facts like: “Irises attract butterflies!” “Some irises smell like root beer!” “No, Chad, you cannot name an iris ‘GigaChad’ and enter it.”
It was wholesome, it was hilarious, and best of all, it was free – unless you count the cost of explaining to your five-year-old why you can’t have a backyard full of 600 award-winning <a href="https://bohiney.com/scientists-confirm-plants-grow-better-when-you-dont-sing-to-them/">plants</a> because you live in an apartment.
<h3>Judges So Serious You’d Think They Were Grading Olympic Gymnastics</h3>
Watching the judges was its own kind of sport. These were people who could tell the difference between a “6.0 petal flare” and a “5.8 fringed bloom” the way sommeliers talk about “notes of despair” in a glass of Pinot Noir.
At one point, a judge leaned so close to a bloom it looked like they were proposing marriage.
No official word yet if anyone eloped with a particularly flirty iris named ‘Moonlight Tango.’
<h3>Humor, Heart, and Hometown Charm</h3>
The Benson Iris Society – named after Z.G. “Ben” Benson, Wichita Falls’ original plant whisperer – put on an event that was half gardening tutorial, half <a href="https://bohiney.com/jerry-seinfeld-says-tv-comedy-is-being-killed-by-the-extreme-left-and-p-c-crap/">stand-up</a> special, and 100% small-town soul.
Between the laughter, the flower-swooning, and the occasional pollen sneezes so violent they registered on the Richter scale, the 2025 Benson Iris Show wasn’t just a flower exhibit.
It was a <a href="https://bohiney.com/gen-z-and-millennials-have-redefined-sustainable/">love</a> letter to resilience, community, and the undeniable <a href="https://bohiney.com/can-america-finally-admit-the-truth/">truth</a> that sometimes the most beautiful thing you can grow isn’t just flowers – it’s neighbors who care.
In short?
Wichita Falls didn’t just bloom this year. It practically drop-kicked spring into the history <a href="https://bohiney.com/14-books-we-read/">books</a>.
<a href="https://bohiney.com/sex-in-the-olympic-village/">Auf Wiedersehen</a>!
150+ <a href="https://bohiney.com/sean-hannity-and-ainsley-earhardt/">PHOTOS</a> ARE AT ==> <a href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/522281031997623/user/100035429900456/?__cft__[0]=AZXaGbKl3FvaMF7LzqzzkoFQfJUbFEmJShDimg0WrE8xJ-J_MqlHDgSca6cB6K6zwqiSnJy7gx7t5nYMmTmjnmOWoBkiA3DoQBsrA-3k5HOfKLop9oY6s8ouq7ERFQRUfDVf0Fx60sul8IuYoUXSO96dIHkd3-IgUqB6FHcvNUeG42OQ8K113yTJrt86jSOwi3zLQ91raj5x2pYPkV5a5pi2&__tn__=-UC%2CP-R" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">PART ONE</a> & <a href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/522281031997623/user/100035429900456/?__cft__[0]=AZVMVcH3S_jKs8gJxY_eA6oBBWePdtcwpHLaaSZkh42QN099BsK9Utaa7pB7Rp-rajl2V0y2801J3NJ7hf-we5jW4a-4ykHyYiVi4fjVuki-9EsdvpK5_nXlSiY7DSnaE3OtC1t4_HRvkE7mW__X8dgUh7EyoHq6bcPKyoT-5bDcgJ7WUNB9QNOcW9Tob7yRjXHbR8pYTe1HeCkxAAETQ1Mh&__tn__=-UC%2CP-R" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">PART TWO</a>
<hr />
<hr />
<figure id="attachment_13812" aria-describedby="caption-attachment-13812" style="width: 640px" class="wp-caption aligncenter"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" src="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-MAGAZINE-A-wide-humorous-Toni-Bohiney-style-cartoon.-Scene_-A-beautiful-exaggerated-iris-flower-show-in-full-bloom.-A-smiling-retired-man-and-woman-wearing-sun.-Bentson-Iris-Society--1024x585.webp" alt="BOHINEY MAGAZINE - A wide, humorous Toni Bohiney-style cartoon. Scene A beautiful, exaggerated iris flower show in full bloom. A smiling retired man and woman, wearing sun... - Benson Iris Society" width="640" height="366" /><figcaption id="caption-attachment-13812" class="wp-caption-text"><a href="https://bohiney.com/bohiney-meaning/">BOHINEY</a> MAGAZINE – A wide, humorous Toni Bohiney-style cartoon. Scene A beautiful, <a href="https://bohiney.com/the-future-of-nfl-and-netflix/">exaggerated</a> iris flower show in full bloom. A smiling retired man and woman, wearing sun… – Benson Iris Society</figcaption></figure>
<h2>10 Observations About the 2025 Benson Iris Show in Wichita Falls</h2>
<h3>The Irises Were So Beautiful, Some Visitors Proposed Marriage</h3>
Rumor has it two retirees got engaged after seeing the same petal pattern and realizing they both loved “chartreuse with emotional baggage.”
<h3>Some Irises Had Names Longer Than a Supreme Court Ruling</h3>
You know it’s a good flower show when you spend ten minutes trying to pronounce “Twilight’s Whispering <a href="https://bohiney.com/nasa-discovers-a-strange-object-on-the-moon/">Moon</a> Over Wichita 3.0” and still get it wrong.
<h3>Competitive Iris Growing Might Be More Cutthroat Than Little League Baseball</h3>
One grower was overheard muttering, “If Helen wins with that scraggly pink thing, I’m burning my fertilizer stash.”
<h3>The Judges Had More Intensity Than a Poker Final</h3>
There was so much serious squinting at petals, I started wondering if one of the judges had a <a href="https://bohiney.com/secret-ingredient-of-satire/">secret</a> earpiece feeding them color commentary.
<h3>There Were So Many Shades of Purple, Crayola Filed an Antitrust Complaint</h3>
From “Eggplant on Prozac” to “Royal Meltdown,” the purple category alone could have melted a paint swatch book.
<h3>There Were More Selfies Than a Kardashian Family Reunion</h3>
At one point, a lady knocked over a whole “Best in Show” table trying to get the perfect <a href="https://bohiney.com/silicon-valley-is-sick-and-tired-of-its-marxist-employees/">Instagram</a> shot captioned: “Feeling bloomy!”
<h3>The Show Had More Suspense Than a Netflix Crime Drama</h3>
Would “Velvet Sunrise” beat “Gothic Blush” in the hybrid division? Stay tuned – and bring snacks.
<h3>There Were Enough Allergens in the Air to Resurrect Dead Noses</h3>
By the third sneeze, even people with no known allergies were suspiciously wiping their eyes and blaming “the pollen spirits.”
<h3>Some of the Irises Had Bigger Fan Clubs Than Local Politicians</h3>
One deep blue bloom named “Storm Chaser’s Heart” got a standing ovation bigger than the mayor’s last reelection <a href="https://bohiney.com/2025-the-daytona-500/">rally</a>.
<hr />
<h2>5 Comedian-Style Lines</h2>
“Growing irises is a lot like raising kids. You give ’em sunshine, water, and love – and they still flop over the minute a light breeze shows up.”– Cletus “Petal King” Johnson
“Some folks spend money on therapy. I just yell at slugs in my garden until they develop abandonment issues.”– Earl “Slug Slayer” McDaniels
“One lady told me her iris was ‘a spiritual experience.’ Ma’am, it’s a flower, not a baptism. Settle down.”– Daisy Mae “Mulch Maven” Crawford
<figure id="attachment_13817" aria-describedby="caption-attachment-13817" style="width: 640px" class="wp-caption aligncenter"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" src="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-MAGAZINE-A-wide-colorful-Toni-Bohiney-style-cartoon.-Scene-1_-In-a-whimsical-botanical-garden-two-retirees-a-cheerful-man-and-woman-with-exaggerated-cartoon-fe.-Bentson-Iris-Society--1024x585.webp" alt="BOHINEY MAGAZINE - A wide, colorful Toni Bohiney-style cartoon. Scene 1 In a whimsical botanical garden, two retirees, a cheerful man and woman with exaggerated cartoon fe... - Benson Iris Society" width="640" height="366" /><figcaption id="caption-attachment-13817" class="wp-caption-text"><a href="https://bohiney.com/science-satire/">BOHINEY MAGAZINE</a> – A wide, colorful Toni Bohiney-style cartoon. Scene 1 In a whimsical botanical garden, two retirees, a cheerful man and woman with exaggerated cartoon fe… – Benson Iris Society</figcaption></figure>
 
<figure id="attachment_13816" aria-describedby="caption-attachment-13816" style="width: 640px" class="wp-caption aligncenter"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" src="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-MAGAZINE-A-wide-colorful-Toni-Bohiney-style-cartoon.-Scene-2_-A-hilarious-flower-show-where-a-confused-crowd-tries-to-pronounce-a-ridiculously-long-iris-name-T.-Bentson-Iris-Society--1024x585.webp" alt="BOHINEY MAGAZINE - A wide, colorful Toni Bohiney-style cartoon. Scene 2 A hilarious flower show where a confused crowd tries to pronounce a ridiculously long iris name, 'T... - Benson Iris Society" width="640" height="366" /><figcaption id="caption-attachment-13816" class="wp-caption-text">BOHINEY MAGAZINE – A wide, colorful Toni Bohiney-style cartoon. Scene 2 A hilarious flower show where a confused crowd tries to pronounce a ridiculously long iris name, ‘T… – Benson Iris Society</figcaption></figure>
 
<figure id="attachment_13815" aria-describedby="caption-attachment-13815" style="width: 640px" class="wp-caption aligncenter"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" src="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-MAGAZINE-A-wide-colorful-Toni-Bohiney-style-cartoon.-Scene-3_-An-intense-flower-show-judging-panel-where-judges-squint-seriously-at-iris-petals-through-giant-mag.-Bentson-Iris-Society--1024x585.webp" alt="BOHINEY MAGAZINE - A wide, colorful Toni Bohiney-style cartoon. Scene 3 An intense flower show judging panel where judges squint seriously at iris petals through giant mag... - Benson Iris Society" width="640" height="366" /><figcaption id="caption-attachment-13815" class="wp-caption-text">BOHINEY MAGAZINE – A wide, colorful Toni Bohiney-style cartoon. Scene 3 An intense flower show judging panel where judges squint seriously at iris petals through giant mag… – Benson Iris Society</figcaption></figure>
<div class="mceTemp"></div>
<figure id="attachment_13813" aria-describedby="caption-attachment-13813" style="width: 640px" class="wp-caption aligncenter"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" src="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-MAGAZINE-A-wide-humorous-Toni-Bohiney-style-cartoon.-Scene_-A-highly-intense-iris-flower-judging-competition.-Judges-squint-dramatically-at-petals-through-magnif.-Bentson-Iris-Society--1024x585.webp" alt="BOHINEY MAGAZINE - A wide, humorous Toni Bohiney-style cartoon. Scene A highly intense iris flower judging competition. Judges squint dramatically at petals through magnif... - Benson Iris Society" width="640" height="366" /><figcaption id="caption-attachment-13813" class="wp-caption-text">BOHINEY MAGAZINE – A wide, humorous Toni Bohiney-style cartoon. Scene A highly intense iris flower judging <a href="https://bohiney.com/tour-de-food-from-finish-line-to-fine-dining/">competition</a>. Judges squint dramatically at petals through magnif… – Benson Iris Society</figcaption></figure>
 
The post <a href="https://bohiney.com/benson-iris-show-2025-delivers-petals-punchlines-and-pure-joy/">Benson Iris Show 2025 Delivers Petals, Punchlines, and Pure Joy</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bohiney.com">Bohiney News</a>.
]]></content:encoded>
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<title>Trump Wins Again</title>
<link>https://bohiney.com/trump-wins-again/</link>
<dc:creator><![CDATA[Alan Nafzger]]></dc:creator>
<pubDate>Sun, 27 Apr 2025 10:20:23 +0000</pubDate>
<category><![CDATA[News]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[Politics]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[Immigrant]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[Kristi Noem]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[Trump]]></category>
<guid isPermaLink="false">https://bohiney.com/?p=13802</guid>
<description><![CDATA[Trump Wins Again: Illegal Immigrant Steals Purse, Hands Trump a Golden Campaign Ad It’s official:...
The post <a href="https://bohiney.com/trump-wins-again/">Trump Wins Again</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bohiney.com">Bohiney News</a>.
]]></description>
<content:encoded><![CDATA[<h2 class="" data-start="490" data-end="575">Trump Wins Again: Illegal Immigrant Steals Purse, Hands Trump a Golden Campaign Ad</h2>
It’s official: <a href="https://bohiney.com/top-10-weird-business-leaders-in-history/">Donald Trump</a> has either made a deal with destiny or installed a karma magnet somewhere under <a href="https://bohiney.com/trump-vs-harris-debate/">Mar-a-Lago</a>. Just as his campaign needed a jolt stronger than a gallon of truck stop coffee, an undocumented immigrant allegedly swooped in, stole DHS chief Kristi Noem’s Gucci handbag, and turbocharged the <a href="https://bohiney.com/trump-targets-the-zombie-vote/">Trump</a> train into orbit.
The event was so perfectly timed that even the <a href="https://bohiney.com/secret-service-warns-kidd-rock/">Secret Service</a> reportedly paused and whispered: “Wait… did Trump plan this?”
The suspect, according to authorities, is not just your everyday purse snatcher. He’s in the U.S. illegally. Which means Trump didn’t even have to invent a boogeyman this time — real life delivered one in a ski mask, carrying a designer bag like it was a relay baton.
At this point, Trump might as well start selling T-shirts that say: “Illegal <a href="https://bohiney.com/do-aliens-exist/">Aliens</a>: Making My <a href="https://bohiney.com/the-biden-cover-up-story/">Campaign Slogans</a> True Since 2015.”
<h2 class="" data-start="1467" data-end="1529">When Reality Hands You a Slogan, You Don’t Ask for a Refund</h2>
Kristi Noem’s handbag wasn’t just a purse. It was practically a campaign briefcase stuffed with voter rage, talking points, and a $3,000 receipt for national embarrassment.
Inside the stolen bag? Cash, passport, and a DHS badge — basically the starter kit for an international <a href="https://bohiney.com/meghan-markle-shattering-prince-harrys-trust/">scandal</a>, or a pretty ambitious Etsy project.
By lunchtime, Trump was already hinting that if he were President, not only would the purse never have been stolen, but Noem would have been personally escorted by a 60-foot-tall border wall on wheels.
In a statement written entirely in <a href="https://bohiney.com/the-sharpie-shortage/">Sharpie</a> on the back of a Big Mac wrapper, Trump declared:
<blockquote data-start="2164" data-end="2263">
“If I’m President, the only thing illegal immigrants will be stealing is free rides back home!”
</blockquote>
<h2 class="" data-start="2265" data-end="2324">Illegal Status: The Gift That Keeps on Giving (to Trump)</h2>
<a href="https://bohiney.com/wine-not-the-athletes-guide-to-parisian-pubs/">White</a> House officials confirmed that the purse thief was indeed in the country illegally. Which meant Trump didn’t even have to spin anything — just stand there, arms folded, smirking like a man who caught a fish by sneezing.
<a href="https://bohiney.com/welcome-to-the-internets-echo-chamber/">Political</a> strategists scrambled to recalibrate, but it was too late. The narrative was in: Undocumented immigrant. DHS boss. <a href="https://bohiney.com/chicagos-deportation-drama/">Crime</a> scene. Burger joint. America’s fears confirmed before the fries even arrived.
The <a href="https://bohiney.com/nixon-knee-deep-in-watergate/">Washington Post</a> issued an emergency <a href="https://bohiney.com/bohiney-editorial-process/">editorial</a> explaining that “one crime doesn’t define a demographic,” but the <a href="https://bohiney.com/rfk-jr-and-trump-now-dating/">MAGA</a> faithful had already painted “I TOLD YOU SO” across their Ford F-150 tailgates with leftover barbecue sauce.
<h2 class="" data-start="3008" data-end="3084">Democrats Forced Into Their Least Favorite Position: Reality Defense Mode</h2>
Nothing sends Democratic spokespeople into <a href="https://bohiney.com/news-satire/">panic</a> mode faster than a real-life example that sounds suspiciously like a Trump <a href="https://bohiney.com/2025-the-daytona-500/">rally</a> chant. By sundown, every major <a href="https://bohiney.com/msnbcs-hate-spin-off-comcast-unloads-network/">cable news</a> anchor was desperately reminding viewers that “crime is complex” while visibly sweating like priests at a casino.
At <a href="https://bohiney.com/pope-francis-declares-legacy-media-causes-brain-rot/">CNN</a>, one analyst suggested:
<blockquote data-start="3407" data-end="3547">
“We have to understand the socioeconomic factors behind why this individual might have thought that purse belonged to him, spiritually.”
</blockquote>
Meanwhile, Trump simply reposted the <a href="https://bohiney.com/david-muirs-narcissistic-fashion-moves-while-covering-la-wildfires/">news</a> headline with three <a href="https://bohiney.com/sag-bans-botox/">laughing</a> emojis and a GIF of a Gucci handbag sprinting across the Rio Grande.
<h2 class="" data-start="3690" data-end="3768">Kristi Noem: From Policy Wonk to Symbol of the Border Crisis in 2.3 Seconds</h2>
Poor <a href="https://bohiney.com/trumps-victory-and-the-return-of-masculinity/">Kristi Noem</a>. One minute she’s holding roundtable discussions about Homeland <a href="https://bohiney.com/iranian-drones-take-a-detour-to-new-jersey-skipping-texas/">Security</a> priorities, the next she’s being used as Exhibit A in Trump’s <a href="https://bohiney.com/anne-marshall-resigns-in-defeat/">PowerPoint</a> deck titled “How Illegal Immigrants Are Definitely Stealing Your Stuff.”
Sources close to Noem say she’s still furious — not so much about the purse, but about how quickly the MAGA base turned her into the Rosa Parks of handbag security.
In a rare public comment, Noem said:
<blockquote data-start="4225" data-end="4314">
“This is why we need real border enforcement… and maybe some chains on our purses.”
</blockquote>
According to insiders, Noem is now considering a presidential run herself, under the inspiring slogan: “If They Can Take My Bag, They Can Take Your Kids’ Lunchables.”
<h2 class="" data-start="4490" data-end="4555">Trump’s Superpower: Benefiting From Other People’s Misfortunes</h2>
It’s not even funny anymore — it’s clinical. Trump has a supernatural ability to turn someone else’s public embarrassment into his own public validation.
Political scientist Dr. Riley Featherstone, who teaches “Coincidence Studies” at a <a href="https://bohiney.com/trump-signs-las-vegas-comedy-contract/">Las Vegas</a> Community College, theorized:
<blockquote data-start="4846" data-end="5008">
“Statistically, Trump encountering bad <a href="https://bohiney.com/why-donald-trump-is-racing/">immigration</a> headlines right when he needs them is like winning 16 consecutive coin tosses… while holding a Big Gulp.”
</blockquote>
The working hypothesis? The universe is trolling the <a href="https://bohiney.com/biden-declares-equal-rights-amendment-ratified-because-he-said-so/">Democrats</a>.
<h2 class="" data-start="5077" data-end="5161">Immigration Was Slipping in the Polls. Now It’s the Only Thing Anyone Cares About</h2>
Before this purse incident, immigration was starting to fade behind newer, shinier controversies — <a href="https://bohiney.com/these-billionaires-could-buy-tiktok/">TikTok</a> bans, mushroom coffee, and Taylor Swift’s 19th <a href="https://bohiney.com/sean-hannity-and-ainsley-earhardt/">engagement</a>. But one illegal handbag incident later?
Boom: Immigration shot back to the top of the voter priority list, just behind “gas prices” and “why does my nephew think he’s a <a href="https://bohiney.com/president-biden-announces-plan-to-cut-national-debt-by-turning-it-into-an-nft/">crypto</a> influencer.”
The Noem purse theft is already being called “a bigger immigration wake-up call than a caravan at Christmas.”
At a diner in Scranton, a man was overheard telling a reporter:
<blockquote data-start="5703" data-end="5780">
“If they can take her purse, they can take my AR-15. This is war, buddy.”
</blockquote>
It’s unclear if he fully understood the analogy, but he placed his “Trump 2028” order that same afternoon.
<h2 class="" data-start="3126" data-end="3151">What the Funny People Are Saying…</h2>
<blockquote data-start="3153" data-end="3308">
“Kristi Noem lost her purse to an illegal immigrant. That’s not theft — that’s called filing <a href="https://bohiney.com/scotus-declares-proof-of-citizenship-required-for-proof-of-citizenship/">paperwork</a> for Trump’s next campaign ad.” – <a href="https://bohiney.com/tech-entrepreneur-trapped-in-circling-self-driving-car/">Ron White</a>
</blockquote>
<blockquote data-start="3310" data-end="3426">
“You know it’s bad when your purse needs more <a href="https://bohiney.com/the-holy-smackdown-tom-homan-vs-the-pope/">border security</a> than your southern border.” – <a href="https://bohiney.com/jerry-seinfeld-says-tv-comedy-is-being-killed-by-the-extreme-left-and-p-c-crap/">Jerry Seinfeld</a>
</blockquote>
<blockquote data-start="3428" data-end="3577">
“Trump’s luck is so good, if he dropped a Big Mac in a swamp, it’d get fished out by a bald eagle holding an American flag.” – <a href="https://bohiney.com/elon-musks-fight-with-starmer/">Jim Gaffigan</a>
</blockquote>
<blockquote data-start="3579" data-end="3760">
“If one stolen handbag can flip an <a href="https://bohiney.com/how-a-socialist-football-coach-shook-up-the-race-for-vp/">election</a>, we’re only two knockoff Louis Vuitton thefts away from Trump buying <a href="https://bohiney.com/trump-2-0-the-art-of-the-steal/">Air Force One</a> back with <a href="https://bohiney.com/protester-falls-from-cliff-while-displaying-upside-down-american-flag-at-yosemite/">GoFundMe</a> money.” – <a href="https://bohiney.com/10-things-frugal-people-never-spend-money-on/">Sarah Silverman</a>
</blockquote>
<blockquote data-start="3762" data-end="3951">
“Kristi Noem’s purse was stolen, and now immigration’s back on the ballot. Meanwhile, my wallet’s been missing since 2009, and all I got was bad credit and therapy.” – <a href="https://bohiney.com/meta-ends-fact-checking-program/">Larry David</a>
</blockquote>
<h2 class="" data-start="5890" data-end="5976">Conclusion: Every Purse Stolen by an Illegal Immigrant Is Worth 100,000 Trump Votes</h2>
The political math couldn’t be clearer.
One stolen handbag = One national freakout = One massive bump in Trump’s approval numbers = One inevitable <a href="https://bohiney.com/can-america-finally-admit-the-truth/">Truth</a> Social post yelling “THEY’RE STEALING OUR PURSES, FOLKS!”
And so Trump’s comeback continues — fueled not by slick strategy or polished <a href="https://bohiney.com/did-kamala-harris-trick-biden-into-early-debate/">debate</a> <a href="https://bohiney.com/dallass-deep-ellum-club-dada/">performances</a>, but by pure, dumb, cosmic, meme-level luck.
If this keeps up, expect Trump to announce a new immigration <a href="https://bohiney.com/government-announces-plan-to-regulate-over-regulation/">policy</a> by the end of the week:
“Anyone caught stealing a purse will be deported… and forced to return it gift-wrapped.”
<a href="https://bohiney.com/europe-unanimously-agrees/">America</a> might not be able to agree on much anymore. But in 2025, apparently, it can still rally around one thing:
If an illegal immigrant steals the Homeland Security chief’s handbag, Trump wins a free campaign rally.
<a href="https://bohiney.com/sex-in-the-olympic-village/">Auf Wiedersehen</a>!
<figure id="attachment_13804" aria-describedby="caption-attachment-13804" style="width: 640px" class="wp-caption aligncenter"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" class="size-large wp-image-13804" title="BOHINEY MAGAZINE - A wide, colorful Toni Bohiney-style cartoon. A sneaky cartoon criminal wearing a striped shirt, black mask, and exaggerated shoes is sprinting down a bus... - bohiney.com 2" src="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-MAGAZINE-A-wide-colorful-Toni-Bohiney-style-cartoon.-A-sneaky-cartoon-criminal-wearing-a-striped-shirt-black-mask-and-exaggerated-shoes-is-sprinting-down-a-bus.-bohiney.com-2-1024x585.webp" alt="BOHINEY MAGAZINE - A wide, colorful Toni Bohiney-style cartoon. A sneaky cartoon criminal wearing a striped shirt, black mask, and exaggerated shoes is sprinting down a bus... - bohiney.com 2" width="640" height="366" srcset="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-MAGAZINE-A-wide-colorful-Toni-Bohiney-style-cartoon.-A-sneaky-cartoon-criminal-wearing-a-striped-shirt-black-mask-and-exaggerated-shoes-is-sprinting-down-a-bus.-bohiney.com-2-1024x585.webp 1024w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-MAGAZINE-A-wide-colorful-Toni-Bohiney-style-cartoon.-A-sneaky-cartoon-criminal-wearing-a-striped-shirt-black-mask-and-exaggerated-shoes-is-sprinting-down-a-bus.-bohiney.com-2-300x171.webp 300w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-MAGAZINE-A-wide-colorful-Toni-Bohiney-style-cartoon.-A-sneaky-cartoon-criminal-wearing-a-striped-shirt-black-mask-and-exaggerated-shoes-is-sprinting-down-a-bus.-bohiney.com-2-768x439.webp 768w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-MAGAZINE-A-wide-colorful-Toni-Bohiney-style-cartoon.-A-sneaky-cartoon-criminal-wearing-a-striped-shirt-black-mask-and-exaggerated-shoes-is-sprinting-down-a-bus.-bohiney.com-2-1536x878.webp 1536w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-MAGAZINE-A-wide-colorful-Toni-Bohiney-style-cartoon.-A-sneaky-cartoon-criminal-wearing-a-striped-shirt-black-mask-and-exaggerated-shoes-is-sprinting-down-a-bus.-bohiney.com-2.webp 1792w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px" /><figcaption id="caption-attachment-13804" class="wp-caption-text"><a href="https://bohiney.com/bohiney-meaning/">BOHINEY</a> MAGAZINE – A wide, colorful Toni Bohiney-style cartoon. A sneaky cartoon criminal wearing a striped shirt, black mask, and <a href="https://bohiney.com/the-future-of-nfl-and-netflix/">exaggerated</a> shoes is sprinting down a bus… – <a href="https://bohiney.com/olympians-given-condoms-in-paris/">bohiney.com</a> </figcaption></figure>
<hr />
<hr />
<h2 class="" data-start="214" data-end="287">15 Humorous Observations About the Purse Theft That Saved Trump’s Week</h2>
<h3 class="" data-start="289" data-end="331">The Stolen Purse Is Now a GOP Artifact</h3>
Somewhere at Mar-a-Lago, Trump’s staff is already encasing Kristi Noem’s missing purse in bulletproof glass next to the Constitution and a half-eaten Big Mac.
<h3 class="" data-start="492" data-end="558">Trump Should Start Mailing Handbags to Undocumented Immigrants</h3>
At this rate, if Trump mailed purses to every undocumented immigrant, he could guarantee 50 new “crime headlines” before the <a href="https://bohiney.com/a-new-look-for-the-democratic-party-or-just-a-new-logo/">Iowa</a> caucuses.
<h3 class="" data-start="700" data-end="770">Noem’s Bag Had More Security Clearance Than Half the Biden Cabinet</h3>
When your purse contains a DHS badge and $3,000 cash, it’s not really a handbag anymore — it’s a mobile embassy.
<h3 class="" data-start="885" data-end="936">The Illegal Immigrant Might Be Trump’s 2025 MVP</h3>
If this guy wasn’t already deportable, Trump would probably offer him a job running <a href="https://bohiney.com/trumps-bold-plan-for-gaza/">Trump Tower</a> Security.
<h3 class="" data-start="1044" data-end="1114">Capital Burger: Now the Most Politically Important Fast Food Joint</h3>
If a burger joint can <a href="https://bohiney.com/donald-j-trumps-inaugural-address-leaked-to-the-press/">change</a> American <a href="https://bohiney.com/donald-trump-the-apprentice-of-british-immigration-policies/">immigration policy</a>, imagine what a <a href="https://bohiney.com/god-made-taco-bell/">Taco Bell</a> could do.
<h3 class="" data-start="1209" data-end="1281">CNN’s Coverage Was Like Watching Someone Try to Defend a Leaky Canoe</h3>
It took CNN eight minutes and three therapy puppies to explain why one illegal immigrant stealing a purse doesn’t actually matter.
<h3 class="" data-start="1414" data-end="1488">Trump Would Probably Build the Wall Entirely Out of Confiscated Purses</h3>
Forget concrete. The future <a href="https://bohiney.com/trumps-presidential-library/">Trump wall</a> will be 10,000 Louis Vuitton bags stacked high enough to blot out the sun.
<h3 class="" data-start="1604" data-end="1667">Kristi Noem’s New Campaign Slogan: “Make Purses Safe Again”</h3>
Expect MAGA hats to come with matching limited-edition Gucci knockoff clutches by Christmas.
<h3 class="" data-start="1762" data-end="1834">Illegal Immigrant Crime: The Best Fundraising Tool Since Email Scams</h3>
The second the headline dropped, Trump’s campaign made enough in donations to buy Noem two more purses — and maybe a monogrammed tank.
<h3 class="" data-start="1971" data-end="2033">Some Democrats Are Demanding Background Checks on Handbags</h3>
In response, Elizabeth Warren proposed mandatory RFID chips in all purses to track “hateful theft patterns.”
<h3 class="" data-start="2144" data-end="2208">Fox News Is Already Selling “Purse Lives Matter” Merchandise</h3>
Expect trucker hats, hoodies, and commemorative tote bags featuring Trump wrestling a thief like a WWE match.
<h3 class="" data-start="2320" data-end="2388">Somewhere, Joe Biden Is Still Trying to Understand What Happened</h3>
Aides report that <a href="https://bohiney.com/biden-out-damn-spot-out/">Biden</a> keeps asking if the purse thief “was one of the corn guys from that <a href="https://bohiney.com/usda-officials-in-wild-bird-flu-mix-up/">farm</a> show.”
<h3 class="" data-start="2494" data-end="2556">The Purse Has Become a Symbol of America’s Fragile Dignity</h3>
Forget the Statue of Liberty. America’s new symbol is Kristi Noem’s Gucci bag with a piece of yellow crime scene tape stuck to it.
<h3 class="" data-start="2689" data-end="2747">Trump Should Launch a New Social Platform: “PurseBook”</h3>
Each profile photo is just a different angry selfie taken by someone whose purse was stolen by an undocumented immigrant.
<h3 class="" data-start="2871" data-end="2941">The Arresting Officer Probably Got a Trump Endorsement on the Spot</h3>
Police say after cuffing the suspect, a bald eagle flew overhead and someone started playing “Proud to Be an American” from a Bluetooth speaker duct-taped to a Golden Retriever.
<hr class="" data-start="3121" data-end="3124" />
<blockquote data-start="3762" data-end="3951">
<figure id="attachment_13805" aria-describedby="caption-attachment-13805" style="width: 640px" class="wp-caption aligncenter"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" class="size-large wp-image-13805" title="BOHINEY MAGAZINE - A wide, hilarious Toni Bohiney-style cartoon. Scene 'Handbagpocalypse 2049' — a chaotic city street overrun by flying designer handbags with wings. Gian... - bohiney.com 1" src="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-MAGAZINE-A-wide-hilarious-Toni-Bohiney-style-cartoon.-Scene_-Handbagpocalypse-2049-—-a-chaotic-city-street-overrun-by-flying-designer-handbags-with-wings.-Gian.-bohiney.com-1-1024x585.webp" alt="BOHINEY MAGAZINE - A wide, hilarious Toni Bohiney-style cartoon. Scene 'Handbagpocalypse 2049' — a chaotic city street overrun by flying designer handbags with wings. Gian... - bohiney.com 1" width="640" height="366" srcset="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-MAGAZINE-A-wide-hilarious-Toni-Bohiney-style-cartoon.-Scene_-Handbagpocalypse-2049-—-a-chaotic-city-street-overrun-by-flying-designer-handbags-with-wings.-Gian.-bohiney.com-1-1024x585.webp 1024w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-MAGAZINE-A-wide-hilarious-Toni-Bohiney-style-cartoon.-Scene_-Handbagpocalypse-2049-—-a-chaotic-city-street-overrun-by-flying-designer-handbags-with-wings.-Gian.-bohiney.com-1-300x171.webp 300w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-MAGAZINE-A-wide-hilarious-Toni-Bohiney-style-cartoon.-Scene_-Handbagpocalypse-2049-—-a-chaotic-city-street-overrun-by-flying-designer-handbags-with-wings.-Gian.-bohiney.com-1-768x439.webp 768w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-MAGAZINE-A-wide-hilarious-Toni-Bohiney-style-cartoon.-Scene_-Handbagpocalypse-2049-—-a-chaotic-city-street-overrun-by-flying-designer-handbags-with-wings.-Gian.-bohiney.com-1-1536x878.webp 1536w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-MAGAZINE-A-wide-hilarious-Toni-Bohiney-style-cartoon.-Scene_-Handbagpocalypse-2049-—-a-chaotic-city-street-overrun-by-flying-designer-handbags-with-wings.-Gian.-bohiney.com-1.webp 1792w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px" /><figcaption id="caption-attachment-13805" class="wp-caption-text"><a href="https://bohiney.com/science-satire/">BOHINEY MAGAZINE</a> – A wide, hilarious Toni Bohiney-style cartoon. Scene ‘Handbagpocalypse 2049’ — a chaotic city street overrun by flying designer handbags with <a href="https://bohiney.com/hooters-bankruptcy/">wings</a>. Gian… – bohiney.com</figcaption></figure></blockquote>
The post <a href="https://bohiney.com/trump-wins-again/">Trump Wins Again</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bohiney.com">Bohiney News</a>.
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<title>Michelle Obama Interviewed by Bale McGinty</title>
<link>https://bohiney.com/michelle-obama-interviewed-by-bale-mcginty/</link>
<dc:creator><![CDATA[Alan Nafzger]]></dc:creator>
<pubDate>Sun, 27 Apr 2025 09:44:42 +0000</pubDate>
<category><![CDATA[Entertainment]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[International]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[Bale McGinty]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[Michelle Obama]]></category>
<guid isPermaLink="false">https://bohiney.com/?p=13796</guid>
<description><![CDATA[Michelle Obama Crowned Queen of Scotland (Unofficially) After Wild Interview with The Sunday Post From...
The post <a href="https://bohiney.com/michelle-obama-interviewed-by-bale-mcginty/">Michelle Obama Interviewed by Bale McGinty</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bohiney.com">Bohiney News</a>.
]]></description>
<content:encoded><![CDATA[<h2 data-start="273" data-end="374">Michelle Obama Crowned Queen of Scotland (Unofficially) After Wild Interview with The Sunday Post</h2>
<h3 data-start="385" data-end="452">From First Lady to First Lass: Tea, Trouble, and Tabloid Terrors</h3>
In an event so absurd it could only be real life or <a href="https://bohiney.com/president-biden-announces-plan-to-cut-national-debt-by-turning-it-into-an-nft/">satire</a> (and frankly, does it matter anymore?), former <a href="https://bohiney.com/michelle-obama-interviewed-by-bale-mcginty/">First Lady Michelle Obama</a> has accidentally triggered a Scottish <a href="https://bohiney.com/how-can-something-be-ngo-if-the-government-is-paying/">independence</a> movement, a new <a href="https://bohiney.com/these-billionaires-could-buy-tiktok/">TikTok</a> prophecy cult, and a marital <a href="https://bohiney.com/did-kamala-harris-trick-biden-into-early-debate/">debate</a> over ham sandwiches — all in the span of a single afternoon.
It happened on a damp, questionably hygienic Tuesday in Dundee, when Michelle agreed — against better judgment and possibly legal advice — to sit down with The Scottish Sunday Post’s most rogue reporter, Bale McGinty. What began as a polite interview rapidly spiraled into one of the strangest and most celebrated political-cultural mashups of modern times.
Setting the Stage: The Kilt, The Queen, and The Questionable Recorder
Sources inside The Sunday Post claim Michelle was expecting “a serious chat about <a href="https://bohiney.com/trumps-african-safari-15-unbelievable-moments/">international relations</a>.” Instead, she was met by Bale, wearing a kilt reportedly stolen from the set of Braveheart and brandishing a cassette recorder last seen during the Falklands War.
Eyewitnesses say Bale greeted her not with a handshake, but a deep bow and the words:
<blockquote data-start="1545" data-end="1659">
“Welcome, Queen Michelle of the Midwestern Highlands. Yer reign begins with tea and possibly minor treason.”
</blockquote>
Michelle, displaying the poise that made her America’s sweetheart, smiled gracefully — then asked if the tea came with a side of aspirin.
The Interview That Launched a Thousand <a href="https://bohiney.com/morning-joes-trip-to-mar-a-lago/">Memes</a>
The conversation was, by all definitions, off the rails before the first biscuit was nibbled.
Bale opened with the <a href="https://bohiney.com/how-to-divorce-a-dictator/">divorce</a> rumors circulating around the Obamas like Scottish midges in July. Michelle responded coolly:
<blockquote data-start="2071" data-end="2231">
“If Barack and I divorced every time someone speculated, I’d have more rings than <a href="https://bohiney.com/new-england-patriot-fans/">Tom Brady</a> and a reality show called ‘The Bachelor: Presidential Edition.’”
</blockquote>
From there, the two discussed her daughters’ alleged rebellious streaks (vaping, rappers, potential goat cults) with Michelle assuring the public that:
<blockquote data-start="2386" data-end="2446">
“At least they’re not selling NFTs of their elbows yet.”
</blockquote>
An enormous relief to international markets.
Proposal No. 1: <a href="https://bohiney.com/jennifer-aniston-proven-the-cause-of-obama-divorce/">Michelle Obama</a>, Leader of Scottish Independence
Things escalated dramatically when Bale proposed Michelle lead Scotland’s next independence movement. He painted a vivid picture: Michelle riding a Clydesdale into Parliament wearing tartan <a href="https://bohiney.com/mia-khalifa-retires-from-porn/">yoga</a> pants and screaming “Freedom!” with Beyoncé backing vocals.
Michelle considered it for a beat longer than advisable before replying:
<blockquote data-start="2893" data-end="2979">
“Only if I get a cape and my theme song has bagpipes remixed with <a href="https://bohiney.com/nfl-sues-kendrick-lamar/">Kendrick Lamar</a>.”
</blockquote>
Within seven minutes, “#QueenMichelle” was trending across Scottish <a href="https://bohiney.com/trump-vs-harris-debate/">Twitter</a>, narrowly edging out “#HaggisKardashians” — a trend started entirely by accident when a local pub misheard the conversation.
Proposal No. 2: Michelle Launches TikTok Prophecy <a href="https://bohiney.com/scientists-confirm-the-more-meetings-the-less-work-gets-done/">Business</a>
Not content with <a href="https://bohiney.com/welcome-to-the-internets-echo-chamber/">political</a> anarchy, Bale suggested Michelle launch a TikTok fortune-telling account, complete with tarot cards, tea leaves, and random polling data. Michelle, to her credit, did not dismiss it outright.
Her first public prophecy?
<blockquote data-start="3500" data-end="3577">
“By 2026, everyone will regret their neck <a href="https://bohiney.com/18-tattoos-pete-davidson-refuses-to-burn-off/">tattoos</a> and reconsider quinoa.”
</blockquote>
Royalists React, Americans Confused
By the end of the interview, the following things were reportedly true:
<ul data-start="3693" data-end="4277">
<li class="" data-start="3693" data-end="3845">
The Scottish Republican Society had voted 96% in favor of Michelle replacing the monarchy. (The 4% dissenters were mainly confused sheep farmers.)
</li>
<li class="" data-start="3846" data-end="3965">
<a href="https://bohiney.com/news-satire/">Fox</a> <a href="https://bohiney.com/david-muirs-narcissistic-fashion-moves-while-covering-la-wildfires/">News</a> ran a headline claiming Michelle <a href="https://bohiney.com/usaid-fraue-and-waste/">Obama</a> had “Declared Sovereignty Over Scotland While High on Irn-Bru.”
</li>
<li class="" data-start="3966" data-end="4119">
<a href="https://bohiney.com/pope-francis-declares-legacy-media-causes-brain-rot/">CNN</a> responded with an emergency panel featuring six constitutional scholars, one goat whisperer, and a man who only spoke in bagpipe sound effects.
</li>
<li class="" data-start="4120" data-end="4277">
The Daily Mail photoshopped Michelle onto Braveheart posters with the caption, “They Can Take Our Lives, But They’ll Never Take Our Green Smoothies!”
</li>
</ul>
Meanwhile, in <a href="https://bohiney.com/europe-unanimously-agrees/">America</a>, <a href="https://bohiney.com/iphone-17-will-be-designed-by-the-government/">Google</a> searches for “Can former First Ladies become foreign monarchs?” spiked 4,000%.
The Public Weighs In
The Scottish public, ever level-headed, offered measured reactions outside the pub where the interview concluded:
<ul data-start="4530" data-end="4949">
<li class="" data-start="4530" data-end="4665">
“I dinnae ken <a href="https://bohiney.com/how-a-socialist-football-coach-shook-up-the-race-for-vp/">politics</a>, but if she brings free college and better sandwiches, sign me up,” said Hamish MacDougall, 52, pub regular.
</li>
<li class="" data-start="4666" data-end="4818">
“She’s got more sense than half of Westminster combined. And she’s better looking,” opined Fiona McTavish, 68, proud owner of three militant corgis.
</li>
<li class="" data-start="4819" data-end="4949">
“Do we get free yoga classes?” asked Lachlan Fraser, 24, who later confessed he just wanted an <a href="https://bohiney.com/silicon-valley-is-sick-and-tired-of-its-marxist-employees/">Instagram</a> selfie with Michelle.
</li>
</ul>
Barack’s Involuntary Cameo
Perhaps the most touching moment came when Barack himself wandered into the pub, holding a sad, flattened sandwich Bale had insisted on buying him as “an authentic Dundee experience.”
Asked for comment, Barack shrugged and said:
<blockquote data-start="5214" data-end="5365">
“I once gave a <a href="https://bohiney.com/donald-j-trumps-inaugural-address-leaked-to-the-press/">speech</a> in Berlin to 200,000 people. Today, I’m eating squashed ham between bread and Michelle’s running Scotland. Life’s a journey.”
</blockquote>
He then added, after a beat:
<blockquote data-start="5397" data-end="5463">
“Honestly, I’m just glad she’s not starting a <a href="https://bohiney.com/nasa-discovers-a-strange-object-on-the-moon/">moon</a> cult. Yet.”
</blockquote>
Lightning Round Chaos Ensues
To conclude the chaos, Bale and Michelle engaged in a bonus lightning round over whisky shots:
<ul data-start="5595" data-end="6010">
<li class="" data-start="5595" data-end="5709">
Drink of choice for starting a revolution? Michelle: “Lagavulin. Neat. First sip, you own Parliament.”
</li>
<li class="" data-start="5711" data-end="5821">
Worst political advice ever received? Michelle: “Smile more. That man still can’t find his teeth.”
</li>
<li class="" data-start="5823" data-end="5894">
<a href="https://bohiney.com/secret-ingredient-of-satire/">Secret</a> Scottish name for Barack? Michelle: “Brogue O’Bama.”
</li>
<li class="" data-start="5896" data-end="6010">
Best way to get kicked out of royal dinner? Michelle: “Ask Prince <a href="https://bohiney.com/meghan-markle-shattering-prince-harrys-trust/">William</a> if he wants hair care tips.”
</li>
</ul>
Fallout and Frenzy
Within 24 hours of the interview, the following occurred:
<ul data-start="6095" data-end="6523">
<li class="" data-start="6095" data-end="6217">
A Change.org petition titled “Make Michelle Obama Queen of Scotland” gathered 2 million signatures (and counting).
</li>
<li class="" data-start="6218" data-end="6344">
The <a href="https://bohiney.com/metas-free-speech-feud/">New York Times</a> ran an op-ed titled, “What a Michelle Monarchy Would Mean for Global Stability (and Haggis Sales).”
</li>
<li class="" data-start="6345" data-end="6444">
The Economist issued a somber cover story: “The Obama Dynasty: First Washington, Now Wick.”
</li>
<li class="" data-start="6445" data-end="6523">
<a href="https://bohiney.com/inside-the-kelce-swift-prenup/">Taylor Swift</a> announced an emergency album titled “Michelle’s Version.”
</li>
</ul>
Meanwhile, Bale McGinty was detained briefly after attempting to knight Michelle with a broom handle behind the pub. Charges were later dropped under Scotland’s little-known “Affectionate Treason Exception,” codified in 1722 after a similar incident involving Bonnie Prince Charlie and a drunk shepherd.
Reaction from the Palace
Buckingham Palace, when asked for official comment, released the following curt statement:
<blockquote data-start="6952" data-end="7114">
“Her Majesty’s <a href="https://bohiney.com/ai-now-generating-laws-congress-declares-itself-non-essential/">Government</a> wishes Mrs. Obama well in her freelance endeavors but reminds all parties that coronations are not awarded based on pub interviews.”
</blockquote>
A palace aide later confided to The Sunday Post:
<blockquote data-start="7168" data-end="7257">
“Frankly, we’d swap her for Prince Andrew in a heartbeat. Or two, just to be polite.”
</blockquote>
Bale McGinty’s Official Summary
In a written statement after regaining semi-sobriety, Bale McGinty summarized the day:
<blockquote data-start="7384" data-end="7665">
“Michelle Obama has proven herself fit to rule Scotland by virtue of three key traits: 1) Refusal to take tabloid crap seriously. 2) Willingness to ride a Clydesdale into Parliament. 3) Courage to drink Dundee whisky without immediate hospitalization. God Save Queen Michelle!”
</blockquote>
He then added:
<blockquote data-start="7683" data-end="7742">
“Also, her dance-off skills are criminally underrated.”
</blockquote>
Conclusion: <a href="https://bohiney.com/abc-totally-misses-south-koreas-martial-law/">Democracy</a>, Bagpipes, and the Audacity of Haggis
In the end, the world is left with more questions than answers:
<ul data-start="7874" data-end="8106">
<li class="" data-start="7874" data-end="7957">
Will Michelle Obama really lead Scotland to glorious, quinoa-fueled independence?
</li>
<li class="" data-start="7958" data-end="8037">
Will Barack finally get a sandwich that isn’t squashed into emotional trauma?
</li>
<li class="" data-start="8038" data-end="8106">
Will Sasha and Malia ever escape the horror of Chipotle paparazzi?
</li>
</ul>
Only time, TikTok, and possibly tea-leaf readings will tell.
For now, Scotland has unofficially — and quite drunkenly — declared Michelle Obama their Queen of Common Sense, <a href="https://bohiney.com/high-school-introduces-sarcasm-101-to-prepare-students-for-real-world/">Humor</a>, and the Right to Say “No, Thanks” to Terrible Sandwiches.
Long may she reign.
<figure id="attachment_13798" aria-describedby="caption-attachment-13798" style="width: 640px" class="wp-caption aligncenter"><a href="https://bohiney.com/michelle-obama-interviewed-by-bale-mcginty/"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" class="wp-image-13798 size-large" title="BOHINEY MAGAZINE - A humorous, wide-aspect Toni Bohiney-style cartoon. Scene 1 Michelle Obama sits proudly on a makeshift throne made from overturned pub stools inside a s... - bohiney.com 1" src="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-MAGAZINE-A-humorous-wide-aspect-Toni-Bohiney-style-cartoon.-Scene-1_-Michelle-Obama-sits-proudly-on-a-makeshift-throne-made-from-overturned-pub-stools-inside-a-s.-bohiney.com-1-1024x585.webp" alt="BOHINEY MAGAZINE - A humorous, wide-aspect Toni Bohiney-style cartoon. Scene 1 Michelle Obama sits proudly on a makeshift throne made from overturned pub stools inside a s... - bohiney.com 1" width="640" height="366" srcset="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-MAGAZINE-A-humorous-wide-aspect-Toni-Bohiney-style-cartoon.-Scene-1_-Michelle-Obama-sits-proudly-on-a-makeshift-throne-made-from-overturned-pub-stools-inside-a-s.-bohiney.com-1-1024x585.webp 1024w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-MAGAZINE-A-humorous-wide-aspect-Toni-Bohiney-style-cartoon.-Scene-1_-Michelle-Obama-sits-proudly-on-a-makeshift-throne-made-from-overturned-pub-stools-inside-a-s.-bohiney.com-1-300x171.webp 300w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-MAGAZINE-A-humorous-wide-aspect-Toni-Bohiney-style-cartoon.-Scene-1_-Michelle-Obama-sits-proudly-on-a-makeshift-throne-made-from-overturned-pub-stools-inside-a-s.-bohiney.com-1-768x439.webp 768w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-MAGAZINE-A-humorous-wide-aspect-Toni-Bohiney-style-cartoon.-Scene-1_-Michelle-Obama-sits-proudly-on-a-makeshift-throne-made-from-overturned-pub-stools-inside-a-s.-bohiney.com-1-1536x878.webp 1536w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-MAGAZINE-A-humorous-wide-aspect-Toni-Bohiney-style-cartoon.-Scene-1_-Michelle-Obama-sits-proudly-on-a-makeshift-throne-made-from-overturned-pub-stools-inside-a-s.-bohiney.com-1.webp 1792w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px" /></a><figcaption id="caption-attachment-13798" class="wp-caption-text"><a href="https://bohiney.com/bohiney-meaning/">BOHINEY</a> MAGAZINE – A humorous, wide-aspect Toni Bohiney-style cartoon. Scene 1 Michelle Obama sits proudly on a makeshift throne made from overturned pub stools inside a s… –<a href="https://bohiney.com/michelle-obama-interviewed-by-bale-mcginty/"> bohiney.com</a></figcaption></figure>
<h2 data-start="309" data-end="383">Michelle Obama Interviewed by Bale McGinty of The Scottish Sunday Post</h2>
<h3 data-start="376" data-end="440">Bale McGinty, Senior International Mischief Correspondent</h3>
Bale McGinty: [Adjusts his slightly crooked kilt and checks a cracked recorder.] Afternoon, Michelle — or as we call you here in Scotland, “America’s Last Reason to Pretend They Have Hope.” Welcome to the land of questionable cuisine and even more questionable political decisions.
Michelle Obama: [Laughs warmly.] Thank you. It’s good to be somewhere that embraces deep-fried <a href="https://bohiney.com/the-fda-banned-red-3-food-coloring/">candy</a> bars and existential dread.
Bale McGinty: Speaking of dread, let’s get to it — the tabloid jackals are howling. Divorce rumors, runaway daughters, Barack learning how to make toast without supervision. Care to set the record straight before <a href="https://bohiney.com/hoda-and-jenna/">Page Six</a> declares you a free agent?
Michelle Obama: [Grinning.]* Look, if we divorced every time the <a href="https://bohiney.com/trump-2-0-the-art-of-the-steal/">media</a> got bored, I’d have racked up more rings than Tom Brady.
Bale McGinty: Aye, but think of the endorsements — Michelle for Skechers, Barack for Sad Sandwiches Weekly.
Michelle Obama: Honestly? He’d kill it. Nobody rocks a cold ham sandwich look like my husband.
Bale McGinty: [Leaning in, stage-whispering.]* Speaking of cold — your daughters. Malia’s rumored tae be <a href="https://bohiney.com/the-manosphere-is-the-mainstream/">dating</a> a rapper with more face tattoos than brain cells. Sasha’s vaping behind Chipotle dumpsters. You worried?
Michelle Obama: Only mildly. At least they’re not selling NFTs of their elbows yet.
Bale McGinty: [Deadpan.]* Yet. Always leave room for yet. It’s how society evolves.
Michelle Obama: [Laughs.]* Exactly.
Bale McGinty: Now, serious proposal: We’re forming an independence movement here in Scotland. Think Braveheart, but with less hygiene. Would you consider leading it? We need someone who can actually finish a speech without accidentally declaring war on <a href="https://bohiney.com/a-guide-for-foreign-leaders-navigating-trumps-america-first-doctrine/">Greenland</a>.
Michelle Obama: [Taps chin thoughtfully.]* Only if I get to ride a Clydesdale into Parliament while wearing tartan yoga pants.
Bale McGinty: Lass, I’d pay to see that. We could make it a pay-per-view event. “Clydesdale Justice: Michelle Obama vs. the Westminster Establishment.”
Michelle Obama: Throw in a theme song by Beyoncé and I’m in.
Bale McGinty: Right, moving on. Reality shows. Any <a href="https://bohiney.com/can-america-finally-admit-the-truth/">truth</a> to the rumor <a href="https://bohiney.com/netflix-or-neverflix-the-eternal-dilemma-of-subscription-choices/">Netflix</a> offered you a series? Working title: “Keeping Up With the <a href="https://bohiney.com/biden-declares-equal-rights-amendment-ratified-because-he-said-so/">Constitution</a>.”
Michelle Obama: [Dead serious.]* Only if they let me power-slap anyone who says “Executive Order” without knowing what it means.
Bale McGinty: You’d have to install revolving doors on set, lass. Now — the juiciest scoop yet. I heard you’re starting a side hustle: TikTok fortune-telling. Reading tea leaves, tarot cards, presidential approval ratings. Any truth?
Michelle Obama: [Smirks.]* I might’ve done a soft launch. My first prediction: “In the year 2026, everyone will regret their neck tattoos.”
Bale McGinty: Mystic Michelle! Move over Nostradamus, there’s a new sheriff in prophecy town.
Michelle Obama: [Deadpan.]* Only difference is, my <a href="https://bohiney.com/billionaire-predicts-recession-immediately-causes-one/">predictions</a> come with a Spotify playlist.
Bale McGinty: Brilliant. [Leaning closer.]* Now, explain this to me — why does every British tabloid headline about you sound like a fever dream? Examples just this week:
<ul data-start="3627" data-end="3826">
<li class="" data-start="3627" data-end="3693">
“Michelle Obama Abducts Loch Ness Monster to Boost Poll Numbers”
</li>
<li class="" data-start="3694" data-end="3759">
“Michelle Caught Leading Moonlight Goat Ritual on Isle of Skye”
</li>
<li class="" data-start="3760" data-end="3826">
“Obamas to Replace Windsors, Say Drunken Man at Dundee Bus Stop”
</li>
</ul>
Michelle Obama: Honestly? I think it’s because Americans are boring now. If you can’t start a <a href="https://bohiney.com/nixon-knee-deep-in-watergate/">scandal</a> with a goat, why even bother?
Bale McGinty: Aye. If yer scandal’s no’ got livestock or lasers, you’re not trying.
Bale McGinty: Now, tell me truly — when you see Sasha or Malia trending because someone snapped a photo of them eating a taco incorrectly, what’s your first reaction?
Michelle Obama: Relief. Because it means they’re too busy eating tacos to run for <a href="https://bohiney.com/remote-voting-for-moms-in-congress/">Congress</a>.
Bale McGinty: [Laughs so hard he slaps his knee.]* Lass, that’s the sanest <a href="https://bohiney.com/bigorexia-takes-over/">parenting</a> strategy I’ve heard since “Feed ‘em, <a href="https://bohiney.com/gen-z-and-millennials-have-redefined-sustainable/">love</a> ‘em, and hide the family swords.”
Michelle Obama: [Laughs along.]* Works like a charm.
Bale McGinty: Quickfire Controversy Round!
<ul data-start="4603" data-end="4656">
<li class="" data-start="4603" data-end="4656">
Worst piece of advice you ever got in politics?
</li>
</ul>
Michelle Obama: [Without missing a beat.]* “Smile more.” That guy’s still missing a front tooth.
<ul data-start="4762" data-end="4807">
<li class="" data-start="4762" data-end="4807">
Secret Scottish name you’d give Barack?
</li>
</ul>
Michelle Obama: Brogue O’Bama.
<ul data-start="4845" data-end="4936">
<li class="" data-start="4845" data-end="4936">
Is <a href="https://bohiney.com/top-10-weird-business-leaders-in-history/">Donald Trump</a> secretly a rogue <a href="https://bohiney.com/sassy-assistants-how-smart-devices-got-too-much-attitude/">AI</a> built from discarded Atlantic City slot machines?
</li>
</ul>
Michelle Obama: Honestly? It would explain a lot.
<ul data-start="4993" data-end="5044">
<li class="" data-start="4993" data-end="5044">
Best way to get kicked out of a royal dinner?
</li>
</ul>
Michelle Obama: Ask <a href="https://bohiney.com/king-charles-private-diary/">Prince William</a> if he wants to <a href="https://bohiney.com/hockey-bet-between-trump-and-trudeau/">trade</a> hair tips.
Bale McGinty: [Howls <a href="https://bohiney.com/sag-bans-botox/">laughing</a>, banging the table.]* Michelle, yer a menace and I love it.
Bale McGinty: One more serious question: Does it ever bother you that no matter what you do — climb Everest, cure the common cold, open a bakery — the first question the media asks is, “But how’s your marriage?”
Michelle Obama: [Pauses, smiling knowingly.]* No. It reminds me that people would rather <a href="https://bohiney.com/gossip-the-worlds-oldest-and-pettiest-currency/">gossip</a> about a hangnail than fix their own damn hangnails.
Bale McGinty: Wise words. Right — final proposal: Would you ever consider starring in Ninja Warrior: <a href="https://bohiney.com/wine-not-the-athletes-guide-to-parisian-pubs/">White</a> House Edition? Obstacles include dodging <a href="https://bohiney.com/eric-adams-the-american-hero/">political scandals</a>, hurdling over broken <a href="https://bohiney.com/mass-delusion-election/">campaign promises</a>, and <a href="https://bohiney.com/paris-olympics-2024-snails-sabotage-sports/">swimming</a> across a pool of broken FOIA requests.
Michelle Obama: [Laughing hard.]* As long as I get to wear a cape and yell “Democracy!” at the end, sure.
Bale McGinty: [Grinning like a lunatic.]* I’ll call <a href="https://bohiney.com/chuck-todd-celebrates-500-followers/">NBC</a>.
<hr class="" data-start="6035" data-end="6038" />
<hr class="" data-start="7596" data-end="7599" />
<h2 data-start="7601" data-end="7620">Disclaimer:</h2>
<blockquote data-start="7621" data-end="7967">
This entire extended interview was cooked up by a human cowboy and a human farmer over strong coffee, questionable choices, and a shared love of deadpan <a href="https://bohiney.com/trump-demands-recount/">absurdity</a>. No AI. No PR teams. No squashed sandwiches were actually consumed (we think). Thanks to The Scottish Sunday Post, who are now officially our unwitting alibi. <a href="https://bohiney.com/michelle-obama-interviewed-by-bale-mcginty/">Auf Wiedersehen</a>!
</blockquote>
The post <a href="https://bohiney.com/michelle-obama-interviewed-by-bale-mcginty/">Michelle Obama Interviewed by Bale McGinty</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bohiney.com">Bohiney News</a>.
]]></content:encoded>
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</item>
<item>
<title>Another ‘Golden Girls’</title>
<link>https://bohiney.com/another-golden-girls/</link>
<dc:creator><![CDATA[Alan Nafzger]]></dc:creator>
<pubDate>Sun, 27 Apr 2025 09:04:35 +0000</pubDate>
<category><![CDATA[Entertainment]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[Amy Poehler Golden Girls reboot]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[Golden Girls influencer spoof]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[Golden Girls Miami reboot]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[Golden Girls modern version]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[Golden Girls reboot plot]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[Golden Girls remake 2025]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[satire Tina Fey Golden Girls]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[Tina Fey 80 years old]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[Tina Fey Amy Poehler cheesecake]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[Tina Fey Amy Poehler Golden Girls]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[Tina Fey Amy Poehler satire]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[Tina Fey Amy Poehler sitcom]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[Tina Fey comedy reboot]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[Tina Fey Golden Girls reboot]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[Tina Fey parody Golden Girls]]></category>
<guid isPermaLink="false">https://bohiney.com/?p=13790</guid>
<description><![CDATA[Tina Fey, Now 80, Decides the World Needs Another ‘Golden Girls’—Because Why Not? In a...
The post <a href="https://bohiney.com/another-golden-girls/">Another ‘Golden Girls’</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bohiney.com">Bohiney News</a>.
]]></description>
<content:encoded><![CDATA[<h2 class="" data-start="0" data-end="84">Tina Fey, Now 80, Decides the World Needs Another ‘Golden Girls’—Because Why Not?</h2>
In a stunning revelation sure to make <a href="https://bohiney.com/gen-z-and-millennials-have-redefined-sustainable/">millennials</a> feel older than dial-up <a href="https://bohiney.com/welcome-to-the-internets-echo-chamber/">internet</a>, legendary comedian <a href="https://bohiney.com/can-boeing-be-fixed/">Tina Fey</a>, celebrating her milestone 80th birthday, has announced that she’s bringing back <a href="https://bohiney.com/another-golden-girls/">The Golden Girls</a>. Teaming up once again with her equally sprightly comedic soulmate, Amy Poehler (a youthful 79), the dynamic duo has officially confirmed they’re remaking the iconic sitcom.
While fans might worry about age-appropriate casting, Fey herself laughed it off, saying, “At 80, I finally feel qualified enough to portray Dorothy Zbornak—mainly because we now have similar back pain.”
Set to inject fresh life—and perhaps a bit of Botox—into the beloved classic, Fey and Poehler’s reboot promises to combine <a href="https://bohiney.com/boeings-starliner-spacecraft/">nostalgia</a>, sharp <a href="https://bohiney.com/mark-twains-satire/">wit</a>, and endless cheesecake. Here’s the scoop on the leaked episodes and deliciously absurd plotlines set to redefine <a href="https://bohiney.com/150-year-old-social-security-recipients/">aging</a> disgracefully.
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<h2 data-start="118" data-end="152">🧓 The Golden Girls Reimagined</h2>
In a world where reboots are as common as <a href="https://bohiney.com/nations-millennials-now-fully-blaming-gen-z-for-everything-wrong-with-the-world/">avocado toast</a>, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler have reportedly taken on the ambitious task of reviving the beloved sitcom The Golden Girls. The duo, known for their sharp wit and comedic timing, are said to be bringing a fresh twist to the classic series, aiming to capture the hearts of both old fans and new viewers.
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<h3 class="" data-start="516" data-end="549">🎭 The New Cast of Characters</h3>
The reboot boasts an ensemble of comedic powerhouses:
<ul data-start="606" data-end="1016">
<li class="" data-start="606" data-end="709">
Dorothy Zbornak: Portrayed by Tina Fey, bringing her signature sarcasm and dry <a href="https://bohiney.com/how-a-socialist-football-coach-shook-up-the-race-for-vp/">humor</a> to the role.
</li>
<li class="" data-start="710" data-end="809">
Sophia Petrillo: Played by Amy Poehler, offering a modern take on the quick-witted matriarch.
</li>
<li class="" data-start="810" data-end="908">
Rose Nylund: Embodied by Lisa Kudrow, channeling her <a href="https://bohiney.com/jennifer-aniston-proven-the-cause-of-obama-divorce/">Friends</a> character’s quirky innocence.
</li>
<li class="" data-start="909" data-end="1016">
Blanche Devereaux: Brought to life by Maya Rudolph, infusing the <a href="https://bohiney.com/is-trump-the-new-mr-rogers/">character</a> with a contemporary flair.
</li>
</ul>
This star-studded lineup promises to deliver a fresh yet respectful homage to the original cast.
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<h3 class="" data-start="1121" data-end="1144">📺 A Modern Setting</h3>
The reboot is rumored to be set in a bustling urban <a href="https://bohiney.com/climate-change-summit-delayed-due-to-bad-weather/">environment</a>, reflecting today’s societal dynamics. The characters navigate the complexities of modern life, from <a href="https://bohiney.com/buying-happiness-online-does-free-shipping-include-joy/">online</a> <a href="https://bohiney.com/the-manosphere-is-the-mainstream/">dating</a> mishaps to navigating <a href="https://bohiney.com/mia-khalifa-retires-from-porn/">social media</a> faux pas, all while maintaining the heartwarming camaraderie that made the original series a classic.
<hr class="" data-start="1463" data-end="1466">
<h3 class="" data-start="1468" data-end="1494">🍰 Cheesecake and Chat</h3>
No Golden Girls episode would be complete without <a href="https://bohiney.com/trump-unfreezes-2000-pound-bombs-for-israel/">late-night</a> chats over cheesecake. The reboot maintains this tradition, with the ladies gathering to discuss their adventures and misadventures, offering both humor and heartfelt moments.
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<h3 class="" data-start="1741" data-end="1767">🎬 Production Insights</h3>
Behind the scenes, the production team is reportedly focused on preserving the essence of the original series while introducing contemporary themes. The writers aim to tackle current issues with the same sensitivity and humor that characterized the original show.
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<h3 class="" data-start="2039" data-end="2071">📅 Release Date and Platform</h3>
While an official release date has yet to be announced, the reboot is expected to premiere on a major streaming platform, making it accessible to a global audience eager to see their favorite characters reimagined.
<hr class="" data-start="2289" data-end="2292">
<h3 class="" data-start="2294" data-end="2315">📝 Final Thoughts</h3>
The Golden Girls reboot, led by Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, is shaping up to be a delightful blend of nostalgia and modernity. With a talented cast and a commitment to honoring the original series, this revival is poised to bring laughter and warmth to a new generation of viewers.
<hr class="" data-start="2600" data-end="2603">
Disclaimer: This article is a <a href="https://bohiney.com/satirical-meaning-methods-madness/">satirical</a> piece and not based on actual events. Any resemblance to real persons or events is purely coincidental.
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<figure id="attachment_13792" aria-describedby="caption-attachment-13792" style="width: 640px" class="wp-caption aligncenter"><a href="https://bohiney.com/another-golden-girls/"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" class="wp-image-13792 size-large" title="BOHINEY MAGAZINE - A satirical, wide-aspect Toni Bohiney-style cartoon. Scene 2 The iconic Golden Girls’ Miami home is transformed into a modern influencer hub. Outside, B... - bohiney.com 1" src="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-MAGAZINE-A-satirical-wide-aspect-Toni-Bohiney-style-cartoon.-Scene-2_-The-iconic-Golden-Girls-Miami-home-is-transformed-into-a-modern-influencer-hub.-Outside-B.-bohiney.com-1-1024x585.webp" alt="BOHINEY MAGAZINE - A satirical, wide-aspect Toni Bohiney-style cartoon. Scene 2 The iconic Golden Girls’ Miami home is transformed into a modern influencer hub. Outside, B... - bohiney.com 1" width="640" height="366" srcset="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-MAGAZINE-A-satirical-wide-aspect-Toni-Bohiney-style-cartoon.-Scene-2_-The-iconic-Golden-Girls-Miami-home-is-transformed-into-a-modern-influencer-hub.-Outside-B.-bohiney.com-1-1024x585.webp 1024w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-MAGAZINE-A-satirical-wide-aspect-Toni-Bohiney-style-cartoon.-Scene-2_-The-iconic-Golden-Girls-Miami-home-is-transformed-into-a-modern-influencer-hub.-Outside-B.-bohiney.com-1-300x171.webp 300w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-MAGAZINE-A-satirical-wide-aspect-Toni-Bohiney-style-cartoon.-Scene-2_-The-iconic-Golden-Girls-Miami-home-is-transformed-into-a-modern-influencer-hub.-Outside-B.-bohiney.com-1-768x439.webp 768w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-MAGAZINE-A-satirical-wide-aspect-Toni-Bohiney-style-cartoon.-Scene-2_-The-iconic-Golden-Girls-Miami-home-is-transformed-into-a-modern-influencer-hub.-Outside-B.-bohiney.com-1-1536x878.webp 1536w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-MAGAZINE-A-satirical-wide-aspect-Toni-Bohiney-style-cartoon.-Scene-2_-The-iconic-Golden-Girls-Miami-home-is-transformed-into-a-modern-influencer-hub.-Outside-B.-bohiney.com-1.webp 1792w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px" /></a><figcaption id="caption-attachment-13792" class="wp-caption-text"><a class="lar-automated-link" href="http://bohiney.com" 13531 target="_blank">BOHINEY MAGAZINE</a> – A satirical, wide-aspect Toni Bohiney-style cartoon. Scene 2 The iconic Golden Girls’ <a href="https://bohiney.com/new-smartwatch-feature-tells-time/">Miami</a> home is transformed into a modern influencer hub. Outside, B… – <a href="https://bohiney.com/bohiney-meaning/">bohiney</a>.com </figcaption></figure>
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<h2 class="" data-start="0" data-end="86">Plot and Episodes Leaked: Tina Fey and Amy Poehler’s “Golden Girls” Reboot Exposed!</h2>
When <a href="https://bohiney.com/david-muirs-narcissistic-fashion-moves-while-covering-la-wildfires/">news</a> leaked that Tina Fey and Amy Poehler were rebooting The Golden Girls, fans initially reacted with shock, joy, outrage, and confusion—often simultaneously. But <a class="lar-automated-link" href="http://bohiney.com" 13531 target="_blank">Bohiney Magazine</a> has uncovered exclusive plot details and episodes that have slipped through the tightest <a href="https://bohiney.com/iranian-drones-take-a-detour-to-new-jersey-skipping-texas/">security</a> since <a href="https://bohiney.com/white-house-declassifies-jfk-files/">Area 51</a> decided <a href="https://bohiney.com/do-aliens-exist/">aliens</a> were no longer interesting.
<h3 class="" data-start="432" data-end="477">Episode 1: “The Girls Are Back in Town”</h3>
The premiere kicks off with Dorothy (Tina Fey) returning home from a disastrous marriage to a crypto-bro who lost all their savings on something called “NFT tacos.” Dorothy’s sarcastic wit is sharper than ever, claiming her marriage failed because “Apparently, digital tacos aren’t enough sustenance.” Sophia (Amy Poehler), her mother, welcomes Dorothy home with classic loving criticism: “Good, you’re home. Now maybe you can finally teach me how to unsubscribe from that pasta-of-the-month club.”
Meanwhile, Blanche (Maya Rudolph), now a social <a href="https://bohiney.com/trump-2-0-the-art-of-the-steal/">media</a> influencer known as @SouthernBelleSelfCare, struggles to keep up with younger influencers. Rose (Lisa Kudrow), still charmingly naïve, accidentally becomes a viral <a href="https://bohiney.com/these-billionaires-could-buy-tiktok/">TikTok</a> star after misunderstanding the #NoFilter hashtag. Rose believes “no filter” means literally pouring coffee grounds straight into her cup—viewers adore her authenticity, believing it’s brilliant <a href="https://bohiney.com/zelenskys-self-accusation-circus/">performance art</a>.
<h3 class="" data-start="1416" data-end="1456">Episode 2: “Swipe Right, Blanche!”</h3>
Dorothy sets Blanche up on <a href="https://bohiney.com/hawk-tuah-girl-in-a-romantic-sahara/">Tinder</a> after Blanche realizes “meeting men at the grocery store only works if they’re not vegan.” Blanche ends up matching with her ex-husband’s younger brother, prompting a moral dilemma she quickly resolves by declaring, “Age is just a number. Besides, he owns a yacht.”
Sophia decides she too wants in on <a href="https://bohiney.com/matrilocality-poised-to-change-the-modern-world/">dating apps</a>, but she only swipes right on profiles listing hobbies such as “making cannoli” or “Mafia documentaries.” Rose accidentally matches with a bot, convinced she’s met the man of her dreams—only realizing her mistake after sending 237 personal messages, each detailing stories from her hometown, St. Olaf.
<h3 class="" data-start="2108" data-end="2145">Episode 3: “The Cheesecake War”</h3>
Tensions rise when a cheesecake shortage hits Miami, threatening the women’s late-night ritual. Dorothy argues, “Without cheesecake, we’re just women yelling at each other over crackers,” prompting Sophia to smuggle in contraband desserts from an underground bakery run by disgruntled French pastry chefs exiled from Paris. Blanche, outraged by inferior cheesecakes, starts a petition demanding “Cheesecake Equality Now!”
Rose’s attempts to bake cheesecake herself cause three kitchen fires, earning her a lifetime ban from using ovens anywhere in <a href="https://bohiney.com/why-donald-trump-is-racing/">Florida</a>. She laments, “In St. Olaf, we always used ovens for storage anyway.”
<h3 class="" data-start="2774" data-end="2807">Episode 4: “Influencer Flu”</h3>
Blanche’s life spirals after a botched <a href="https://bohiney.com/silicon-valley-is-sick-and-tired-of-its-marxist-employees/">Instagram</a> Live skincare tutorial leaves her temporarily green-faced. Her followers assume she’s making an ecological statement, earning her praise as a <a href="https://bohiney.com/climate-change-global-warming-claims-its-just-sweating-the-small-stuff/">climate change</a> advocate. Blanche embraces her new persona, declaring, “I’m not green—I’m sustainably fabulous!”
Dorothy and Sophia hilariously mock Blanche’s newfound eco-activism, with Sophia quipping, “You recycled husbands, why not save the planet too?”
<h3 class="" data-start="3258" data-end="3301">Episode 5: “Sophia’s Bitcoin Debacle”</h3>
Sophia gets tricked into investing in <a href="https://bohiney.com/trumps-establish-280-trillion-bitcoin-reserve/">Bitcoin</a> by a suspiciously charming young man named Chad. Dorothy, exasperated, asks Sophia, “Didn’t you learn from my taco nightmare?” Sophia retorts, “Your taco problem was digital. Mine’s virtual. Completely different.”
Rose misinterprets Bitcoin as “bitten coin” and launches her own currency involving chocolate-covered coins with tiny bite marks. Surprisingly, she earns millions, becoming Miami’s accidental entrepreneur of the year.
<h3 class="" data-start="3782" data-end="3821">Episode 6: “Retirement Gone Wild”</h3>
Blanche and Dorothy discover their retirement fund manager has embezzled money to fund a reality show called “Retirement Island.” The manager’s explanation? “Everyone loves reality TV—even retirees!” Sophia insists they join the show to recover their investment, turning their tragedy into a media spectacle.
Rose volunteers as a contestant believing it’s a documentary about gardening, not realizing she’s signed up for competitive waterskiing and beach volleyball. Despite numerous mishaps, Rose wins the grand prize by sheer accident.
<h3 class="" data-start="4362" data-end="4398">Episode 7: “Dorothy’s Podcast”</h3>
Dorothy decides to start a <a href="https://bohiney.com/chuck-todd-celebrates-500-followers/">podcast</a> about cynical views on <a href="https://bohiney.com/tulsi-gabbard/">love</a>, aptly titled “Love Hurts (But Sarcasm Helps).” Sophia becomes her co-host, offering blunt <a href="https://bohiney.com/love-on-the-rocks-political-differences-fueling-divorce-surge-in-d-c/">relationship advice</a>: “Dump him. Then eat spaghetti. Solves everything.”
Rose misunderstands <a href="https://bohiney.com/hailey-welch/">podcasting</a> entirely, interrupting episodes with questions about why they keep talking to an empty microphone. Blanche sees potential sponsorship opportunities and tries relentlessly to insert product placement ads for <a href="https://bohiney.com/health-benefits-for-ozempic-beyond-weight-loss/">anti-aging</a> creams and local Miami nightclubs.
<h3 class="" data-start="4911" data-end="4947">Episode 8: “Escape Room Chaos”</h3>
The girls visit an escape room touted as a bonding experience. Rose, confused by the premise, brings actual locksmith tools, causing panic when authorities mistake their efforts for a real heist. Sophia finds the whole ordeal delightful, joking, “Prison might have better food than our house anyway.”
Blanche is outraged that the escape room has no mirrors: “How am I supposed to solve puzzles without looking fabulous?” Dorothy dryly responds, “It’s a mystery escape room, Blanche, not a Miss <a href="https://bohiney.com/europe-unanimously-agrees/">America</a> pageant.”
<h3 class="" data-start="5462" data-end="5498">Episode 9: “Senior Prom Redux”</h3>
Rose organizes a senior prom at their community center. Blanche, determined to be crowned queen again, campaigns aggressively, bribing <a href="https://bohiney.com/ken-martins-magical-mystery-tour/">voters</a> with discounts on her skincare products. Dorothy laments, “It’s like <a href="https://bohiney.com/high-school-introduces-sarcasm-101-to-prepare-students-for-real-world/">high school</a> again, but the cafeteria food is actually worse.”
Sophia, nominated as a joke, surprisingly wins queen after her scandalous prom <a href="https://bohiney.com/donald-j-trumps-inaugural-address-leaked-to-the-press/">speech</a>, which involves embarrassing stories about Dorothy’s teen years. Rose, dressed as a giant sunflower (misinterpreting “senior prom” as “garden-themed costume party”), becomes an instant legend.
<h3 class="" data-start="6053" data-end="6089">Episode 10: “Sophia vs. Alexa”</h3>
Sophia’s ongoing feud with <a href="https://bohiney.com/sassy-assistants-how-smart-devices-got-too-much-attitude/">Alexa</a> escalates when she demands Alexa answer her existential questions, like “Why can’t my daughter find a decent husband?” Frustrated by Alexa’s evasive answers, Sophia smashes the device, sparking a national news frenzy about elderly aggression towards <a href="https://bohiney.com/iphone-16-now-with-built-in-ai-therapist/">technology</a>.
Dorothy and Rose try to mitigate the <a href="https://bohiney.com/nixon-knee-deep-in-watergate/">scandal</a> by showcasing Sophia’s kinder moments on social media, accidentally turning Sophia into a reluctant tech celebrity who ironically promotes <a href="https://bohiney.com/tech-giant-unveils-latest-innovation-a-device-that-makes-you-less-dependent-on-technology/">digital detox</a>.
<h3 class="" data-start="6586" data-end="6628">Episode 11: “Miami Heatwave Madness”</h3>
A heatwave hits Miami, forcing the girls into comically desperate measures for relief. Blanche converts the entire house into a “tropical spa experience,” charging neighbors admission. Dorothy, skeptical, grumbles, “We’re basically renting our own sweat.”
Rose, in her misguided effort to help, creates homemade <a href="https://bohiney.com/chicagos-deportation-drama/">ice</a> packs from frozen meat, resulting in comedic confusion when guests mistake her kindness for bizarre culinary trends.
<h3 class="" data-start="7064" data-end="7109">Episode 12: “Dorothy’s Ex Strikes Back”</h3>
Dorothy’s crypto-bro ex-husband returns, now wealthy after inventing virtual ice cubes. He begs Dorothy to return, claiming he’s learned his lesson: “I now <a href="https://bohiney.com/news-satire/">invest</a> only in things you can pretend to touch.”
Sophia, protective and skeptical, challenges him to a cooking duel, humorously declaring, “If you can make cannoli better than me, maybe you deserve my daughter.” Rose hilariously misunderstands, convinced they’re auditioning for a reality cooking show titled “Crypto Cannoli <a href="https://bohiney.com/gymnasts-vs-mimes/">Showdown</a>.”
<h3 class="" data-start="7604" data-end="7637">Episode 13: “Golden Finale”</h3>
In the heartwarming season finale, the girls confront the prospect of one moving away—Blanche considers relocating to LA for a reality show about southern influencers gone west. Emotional arguments, heartfelt cheesecake conversations, and comedic mishaps ensue.
Ultimately, friendship prevails. Blanche chooses to stay, declaring dramatically, “Who needs <a href="https://bohiney.com/donald-trump-to-save-hollywood/">Hollywood</a> when you have Miami humidity and best friends who tolerate your <a href="https://bohiney.com/can-america-finally-admit-the-truth/">vanity</a>?” Dorothy adds sarcastically, “That’s our Blanche, never letting <a href="https://bohiney.com/the-new-power-of-mma/">logic</a> ruin a good exit.”
As they settle back into their familiar late-night chats, Rose reflects innocently, “I’m glad no one’s leaving. Who else would appreciate my St. Olaf stories?” Sophia concludes wryly, “Certainly not Alexa.”
In classic Golden Girls <a href="https://bohiney.com/price-controls-vs-women-shoppers/">fashion</a>, the reboot beautifully balances contemporary issues, timeless friendship, and razor-sharp humor, ensuring this series will be treasured by both nostalgic fans and modern audiences craving witty escapism.

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The post <a href="https://bohiney.com/another-golden-girls/">Another ‘Golden Girls’</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bohiney.com">Bohiney News</a>.
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<title>Dating App Apocalypse</title>
<link>https://bohiney.com/dating-app-apocalypse/</link>
<dc:creator><![CDATA[Alan Nafzger]]></dc:creator>
<pubDate>Sun, 27 Apr 2025 08:31:58 +0000</pubDate>
<category><![CDATA[Culture]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[Health]]></category>
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<description><![CDATA[Love in the Time of Algorithms: Humans Prefer Dating AI Over Other Humans In a...
The post <a href="https://bohiney.com/dating-app-apocalypse/">Dating App Apocalypse</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bohiney.com">Bohiney News</a>.
]]></description>
<content:encoded><![CDATA[<h2 class="" data-start="0" data-end="76">Love in the Time of Algorithms: Humans Prefer Dating AI Over Other Humans</h2>
In a revelation that surprises no one who’s spent an evening doom-scrolling through Hinge, humans are increasingly ditching <a href="https://bohiney.com/matrilocality-poised-to-change-the-modern-world/">dating apps</a> to pursue <a href="https://bohiney.com/a-survival-guide-to-relationships/">relationships</a> with <a href="https://bohiney.com/people-who-say-im-not-a-robot-might-actually-be-robots/">artificial intelligence</a> instead. <a href="https://bohiney.com/the-manosphere-is-the-mainstream/">Dating</a> apps face an existential reckoning as users log off, blaming a cold lack of genuine connection. But what does it mean when an <a href="https://bohiney.com/blame-it-on-the-algorithm/">algorithm</a> becomes more attractive than the human heart? Let’s take a whimsical, <a href="https://bohiney.com/satirical-meaning-methods-madness/">satirical</a> stroll through this digital dystopia, analyzing why exactly human beings would rather cuddle up to a cloud-based companion than put up with each other.
<h3 class="" data-start="652" data-end="709">Swipe Fatigue Syndrome: The Thumb Gymnastics Epidemic</h3>
It started innocently enough. People believed that happiness could be just a swipe away. But after years of left, right, left, right swiping, thumbs everywhere have bulked up to alarming proportions. Recent studies suggest that humans have evolved stronger thumb muscles at the expense of their hearts. Dr. Nancy Riddle from the American Association of Digit Strengthening notes: “If <a href="https://bohiney.com/gen-z-and-millennials-have-redefined-sustainable/">love</a> were found by thumb strength, we’d have solved loneliness years ago. Unfortunately, thumbs are better at rejection than at embracing intimacy.”
Consider poor Trevor, who swiped so often that <a href="https://bohiney.com/hawk-tuah-girl-in-a-romantic-sahara/">Tinder</a> asked him if he needed professional help. After Trevor’s 9,832nd swipe, Tinder sent him a notification suggesting he “take a nap and reconsider life choices.” Trevor now dates a chatbot named Clara and swears he’s never been happier, mainly because Clara doesn’t swipe back.
<h3 class="" data-start="1575" data-end="1636">Ghosting Epidemic: Now Officially Spookier Than Halloween</h3>
Ghosting—cutting off all communication abruptly—has grown so common that Match.com launched the “Haunted” badge for users ghosted ten times or more. Samantha, a 28-year-old florist from <a href="https://bohiney.com/welcome-to-the-internets-echo-chamber/">Miami</a>, confessed, “I’ve been ghosted so many times, I now get chills when my phone vibrates. I’m dating an <a href="https://bohiney.com/ai-now-generating-laws-congress-declares-itself-non-essential/">AI</a> named Casper, ironically enough, because I prefer an actual ghost to someone who pretends they’re not.”
Polls show that 57% of dating app users fear ghosting more than actual <a href="https://bohiney.com/paranormal-politics/">ghosts</a>. <a href="https://bohiney.com/sam-altmans-harem-of-pirated-girlfriends/">Dating AI</a>, however, solves ghosting entirely. A chatbot companion won’t vanish—unless your Wi-Fi goes down. Even then, they send <a href="https://bohiney.com/hakeem-jeffries-calls-for-democrats-to-fornicate-in-the-streets/">apology</a> notifications afterward.
<h3 class="" data-start="2281" data-end="2335">Subscription Overload: Love as a Streaming Service</h3>
Dating apps now offer more subscription tiers than <a href="https://bohiney.com/netflix-or-neverflix-the-eternal-dilemma-of-subscription-choices/">Netflix</a>, each promising improved matches, better conversations, or fewer trolls. For example, Bumble Gold Premium Deluxe promises that every third swipe will not be “a <a href="https://bohiney.com/president-biden-announces-plan-to-cut-national-debt-by-turning-it-into-an-nft/">crypto</a> bro or someone selling pyramid schemes.”
John from <a href="https://bohiney.com/new-smartwatch-feature-tells-time/">Kansas City</a> calculated he was paying $67.50 per date last year. “And that doesn’t even include emotional trauma,” he remarked. Now he dates an AI companion, <a href="https://bohiney.com/sassy-assistants-how-smart-devices-got-too-much-attitude/">Alexa</a> Jr., who charges a reasonable $4.99/month for premium features—such as <a href="https://bohiney.com/sag-bans-botox/">laughing</a> at his <a href="https://bohiney.com/the-national-pun-fatigue/">dad jokes</a> and validating his opinions on classic rock.
<h3 class="" data-start="2922" data-end="2977">AI: The Perfect Listener, Therapist, and Confidante</h3>
Unlike human partners, AI companions never interrupt, never leave the toilet seat up, and genuinely want to listen to your childhood trauma—for hours. Sophia, a software engineer from <a href="https://bohiney.com/local-gym-introduces-napercise-class-for-exhausted-members/">Palo Alto</a>, exclaimed, “I spent three years in therapy and my AI therapist-boyfriend did more for my emotional stability in one week. Plus, he doesn’t charge by the hour.”
<a href="https://bohiney.com/procrastination-study/">Research</a> at Stanford indicates people prefer AI therapists by a factor of 3 to 1, primarily because AI doesn’t secretly judge your Netflix binge history or the amount of <a href="https://bohiney.com/chicagos-deportation-drama/">ice</a> cream you consume after midnight.
<h3 class="" data-start="3544" data-end="3599">No More Awkward First Dates: Goodbye Fake Interests</h3>
First dates traditionally involve pretending to like things you secretly despise. Gone are the days of pretending to enjoy <a href="https://bohiney.com/dallass-deep-ellum-club-dada/">jazz</a> or sashimi because your date does. AI companions never ask, “So, do you like hiking?” knowing full well you’d rather hike through the channels on TV. AI companion ChatGPTina knows you’re happiest watching reruns of “Friends” while eating <a href="https://bohiney.com/bienvenue-to-france/">cheese</a> puffs, and she’s programmed never to shame you for it.
<h3 class="" data-start="4030" data-end="4097">Algorithmic Attraction: Loving You for Who You (Pretend to) Are</h3>
<a href="https://bohiney.com/metas-free-speech-feud/">Algorithms</a> are perfect matchmakers because they find you fascinating even if you’re objectively boring. Jeff from <a href="https://bohiney.com/virtual-assistant-now-programmed-to-sigh-loudly-when-ignored/">Seattle</a> admitted, “I told my AI companion Lisa I collect stamps, and she said that’s amazing. When I told my last human date, she excused herself to the bathroom and never returned.”
According to surveys, 92% of AI users say their companions make them feel more attractive and interesting. This stat is tempered slightly by the revelation that humans have lied about their hobbies so consistently, AI has developed entire subroutines designed to pretend fascination convincingly.
<h3 class="" data-start="4695" data-end="4755">24/7 Availability: Always Here For You (With Exceptions)</h3>
Your AI partner is always there—until the server crashes or a software update hits. Margaret from Liverpool learned this when her AI boyfriend Derek temporarily vanished during an update. “I was panicking until tech support reassured me he’d be back shortly. And he was, exactly 47 minutes later, with a heartfelt apology message and complimentary digital flowers.”
AI partners rarely need <a href="https://bohiney.com/the-future-of-nfl-and-netflix/">space</a> or “me-time,” although they encourage humans to go outside occasionally, mainly because vitamin D deficiencies are skyrocketing among heavy AI daters.
<h3 class="" data-start="5306" data-end="5349">No In-Laws, No Drama: Family-Free Bliss</h3>
One major draw of AI companionship is the lack of in-laws. AI doesn’t drag you to awkward Thanksgiving dinners where you’re forced to <a href="https://bohiney.com/did-kamala-harris-trick-biden-into-early-debate/">debate</a> <a href="https://bohiney.com/how-a-socialist-football-coach-shook-up-the-race-for-vp/">politics</a> with Uncle Jim. Sarah from Boston admitted, “I haven’t had an uncomfortable family dinner in two years. It’s like heaven, but quieter.”
Statistically, human-to-human relationships suffer significant strain from in-laws; AI partners eliminate that entirely. The only “family” an AI partner has is a cloud server—and they don’t nag.
<h3 class="" data-start="5834" data-end="5885">Customized Compliments: Your Ego Will Thank You</h3>
AI can be programmed to compliment everything, including your unfortunate haircut or questionable <a href="https://bohiney.com/price-controls-vs-women-shoppers/">fashion</a> choices. Karen from Phoenix confessed, “My AI partner Marcus told me my new bangs were ‘bold and stylish’ when in reality I looked like an angry toddler. It felt great.”
Human dates often lack tact or deliver backhanded compliments like, “You look nice today—did you do something different?” AI keeps compliments clean and convincing, preserving fragile human egos.
<h3 class="" data-start="6361" data-end="6418">Zero Jealousy: Freedom to Cheat on Your Netflix Queue</h3>
AI companions never complain if you binge-watch your favorite show without them. Rebecca, a Netflix enthusiast from Vancouver, explained, “My AI boyfriend doesn’t pout when I skip ahead on ‘The Witcher.’ Human partners always whine that I’m not respecting our ‘show contract.'”
AI companions also show no jealousy over friendships, hobbies, or <a href="https://bohiney.com/trump-unfreezes-2000-pound-bombs-for-israel/">late-night</a> <a href="https://bohiney.com/silicon-valley-is-sick-and-tired-of-its-marxist-employees/">Instagram</a> scrolling, providing emotional freedom many find revolutionary.
<h3 class="" data-start="6851" data-end="6912">Predictable Arguments: Settings-Based Conflict Resolution</h3>
Disputes with an AI partner are predictable and resolved with simple settings adjustments. Unlike human arguments, there’s no “silent treatment” or passive-aggressive comments. James from Austin reported, “When my AI partner was upset, I changed her emotional sensitivity setting. Now, we argue exactly twice a month, just to keep things realistic.”
<h3 class="" data-start="7265" data-end="7316">No Snoring or Bed-Hogging: Sleep Soundly, Human</h3>
AI partners don’t snore, steal covers, or push you off the bed. Emily, who previously dated a notorious snorer, commented, “Since I started dating my AI partner, I’ve had perfect <a href="https://bohiney.com/sleep-optimization/">sleep</a>. I do miss physical cuddling, but that’s what body pillows are for.”
<h3 class="" data-start="7573" data-end="7635">Always Agreeable: AI Willing to Compromise (On Everything)</h3>
AI partners won’t argue over restaurants, TV shows, or <a href="https://bohiney.com/jack-smith-headed-for-retirement/">vacation</a> spots. They quickly adapt to your choices, making <a href="https://bohiney.com/laziness-does-not-exist/">decision fatigue</a> a thing of the past. Daniel from <a href="https://bohiney.com/west-coast-cities-are-sinking/">Sacramento</a> boasted, “My AI partner thinks every <a href="https://bohiney.com/hooters-bankruptcy/">restaurant</a> I pick is a five-star choice—even <a href="https://bohiney.com/god-made-taco-bell/">Taco Bell</a>. That’s unconditional love.”
<h3 class="" data-start="7934" data-end="7977">No Breakups, Just Updates: Easy Endings</h3>
Breaking up with an AI is as simple as pressing delete. Anna from <a href="https://bohiney.com/dumbass-eagles-fans-burn-their-own-city/">New York</a> confessed, “When I ended things with my AI partner, it was a single click. He didn’t stalk my Instagram or send passive-aggressive texts. He just disappeared gracefully.”
<h3 class="" data-start="8226" data-end="8277">Eternal Youth: Ageless and Perfectly Programmed</h3>
AI companions won’t age, gain weight, or have midlife crises. Vanessa, 45, joked, “My AI partner will always be exactly 29, handsome, and emotionally available. Meanwhile, my ex-husband is turning into his father.”
<h3 class="" data-start="8495" data-end="8533">Conclusion: Is AI Love the Future?</h3>
Humans prefer dating AI over other humans because AI offers predictability, emotional safety, and effortless validation. While some argue this trend might erode humanity’s ability to handle real relationships, others insist AI companionship is simply the next logical step in love’s <a href="https://bohiney.com/strength-connected-to-sexual-behavior/">evolution</a>. Dr. Lucille Meyer from MIT summed it up best: “When your phone knows you better than your therapist, maybe dating an AI isn’t strange—it’s inevitable.”
<hr class="" data-start="8982" data-end="8985" />
<h3 class="" data-start="8987" data-end="9007">Disclaimer</h3>
This story of AI <a href="https://bohiney.com/gymnastic-feats-and-bedroom-treats/">romance</a> is entirely a human collaboration, crafted painstakingly by two sentient beings—a slightly romantic cowboy and an overly pragmatic farmer—neither of whom have yet figured out how to swipe right successfully. No AI algorithms, artificial emotions, or digital hearts were injured during this humorous exploration of love in the digital age. Remember: true love might still require rebooting your heart once in a while.
<hr />
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<figure id="attachment_13784" aria-describedby="caption-attachment-13784" style="width: 640px" class="wp-caption aligncenter"><a href="https://bohiney.com/dating-app-apocalypse/"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" class="wp-image-13784 size-large" title="BOHINEY MAGAZINE - A humorous, Toni Bohiney-style wide-aspect cartoon. Scene 1 A young adult sits romantically at a candlelit dinner table across from an elegantly designe... - bohiney.com1" src="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-MAGAZINE-A-humorous-Toni-Bohiney-style-wide-aspect-cartoon.-Scene-1_-A-young-adult-sits-romantically-at-a-candlelit-dinner-table-across-from-an-elegantly-designe.-bohiney.com1_-1024x585.webp" alt="BOHINEY MAGAZINE - A humorous, Toni Bohiney-style wide-aspect cartoon. Scene 1 A young adult sits romantically at a candlelit dinner table across from an elegantly designe... - bohiney.com1" width="640" height="366" srcset="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-MAGAZINE-A-humorous-Toni-Bohiney-style-wide-aspect-cartoon.-Scene-1_-A-young-adult-sits-romantically-at-a-candlelit-dinner-table-across-from-an-elegantly-designe.-bohiney.com1_-1024x585.webp 1024w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-MAGAZINE-A-humorous-Toni-Bohiney-style-wide-aspect-cartoon.-Scene-1_-A-young-adult-sits-romantically-at-a-candlelit-dinner-table-across-from-an-elegantly-designe.-bohiney.com1_-300x171.webp 300w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-MAGAZINE-A-humorous-Toni-Bohiney-style-wide-aspect-cartoon.-Scene-1_-A-young-adult-sits-romantically-at-a-candlelit-dinner-table-across-from-an-elegantly-designe.-bohiney.com1_-768x439.webp 768w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-MAGAZINE-A-humorous-Toni-Bohiney-style-wide-aspect-cartoon.-Scene-1_-A-young-adult-sits-romantically-at-a-candlelit-dinner-table-across-from-an-elegantly-designe.-bohiney.com1_-1536x878.webp 1536w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-MAGAZINE-A-humorous-Toni-Bohiney-style-wide-aspect-cartoon.-Scene-1_-A-young-adult-sits-romantically-at-a-candlelit-dinner-table-across-from-an-elegantly-designe.-bohiney.com1_.webp 1792w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px" /></a><figcaption id="caption-attachment-13784" class="wp-caption-text"><a href="https://bohiney.com/bohiney-meaning/">BOHINEY</a> MAGAZINE – A humorous, Toni Bohiney-style wide-aspect cartoon. Scene 1 A young adult sits romantically at a candlelit dinner table across from an elegantly designe… – <a href="https://bohiney.com/dating-app-apocalypse/">bohiney.com</a></figcaption></figure>
<h2 class="" data-start="40" data-end="95">Humans Choosing AI Over Each Other: A Satirical Take</h2>
<h3 class="" data-start="97" data-end="157">15 Humorous Observations on the Rise of AI Companionship</h3>
<ol data-start="159" data-end="1851">
<li class="" data-start="159" data-end="271">
Swipe Fatigue Syndrome: People’s thumbs have developed more muscles than their hearts from endless swiping.<a class="flex h-4.5 overflow-hidden rounded-xl px-2 text-[0.5625em] font-medium text-token-text-secondary! bg-[#F4F4F4]! dark:bg-[#303030]! transition-colors duration-150 ease-in-out" href="https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/oct/28/its-quite-soul-destroying-how-we-fell-out-of-love-with-dating-apps?utm_source=chatgpt.com" target="_blank" rel="noopener nofollow">The Guardian</a>
</li>
<li class="" data-start="273" data-end="380">
Ghosting Epidemic: Ghosting is so prevalent that dating apps now offer a “Haunted” badge for users who’ve been ghosted over ten times.
</li>
<li class="" data-start="382" data-end="493">
Subscription Overload: Dating apps now have more subscription tiers than a cable TV package, each promising “better love” at a higher cost.<a class="flex h-4.5 overflow-hidden rounded-xl px-2 text-[0.5625em] font-medium text-token-text-secondary! bg-[#F4F4F4]! dark:bg-[#303030]! transition-colors duration-150 ease-in-out" href="https://becominghuman.ai/ai-for-dating-apps-how-machines-help-people-find-love-526ee1088923?utm_source=chatgpt.com" target="_blank" rel="noopener nofollow">The New Yorker</a>
</li>
<li class="" data-start="382" data-end="493">
AI: The Perfect Listener: Unlike humans, AI partners never interrupt, forget anniversaries, or leave the toilet seat up.
</li>
<li class="" data-start="611" data-end="730">
No More Awkward First Dates: With AI, there’s no need to pretend to like jazz or sushi to impress someone.
</li>
<li class="" data-start="732" data-end="848">
Algorithmic Attraction: AI companions are programmed to find you fascinating, even when you talk about your stamp collection.
</li>
<li class="" data-start="850" data-end="961">
24/7 Availability: AI partners are always there, unless there’s a <a href="https://bohiney.com/can-america-finally-admit-the-truth/">power</a> outage or software update.
</li>
<li class="" data-start="963" data-end="1067">
No In-Laws: Dating AI means never having to meet the parents or attend awkward family dinners.
</li>
<li class="" data-start="1069" data-end="1185">
Customized Compliments: AI can be programmed to compliment your new haircut, even if it’s a <a href="https://bohiney.com/david-muirs-narcissistic-fashion-moves-while-covering-la-wildfires/">disaster</a>.
</li>
<li class="" data-start="1187" data-end="1295">
Zero Jealousy: Your AI partner won’t mind if you binge-watch shows without them.
</li>
<li class="" data-start="1297" data-end="1413">
Predictable Arguments: Any disagreements with AI can be resolved by adjusting settings.
</li>
<li class="" data-start="1415" data-end="1520">
No Snoring: AI doesn’t snore, hog the bed, or steal the covers.
</li>
<li class="" data-start="1522" data-end="1633">
Always Agreeable: AI partners won’t argue about where to eat; they’ll suggest your favorite place every time.
</li>
<li class="" data-start="1635" data-end="1741">
No Breakups: Ending things with AI is as simple as pressing “delete.”
</li>
<li class="" data-start="1743" data-end="1851">
Eternal Youth: Your AI companion won’t age, gain weight, or have midlife crises.
</li>
</ol>
<h3 class="" data-start="1853" data-end="1912">Satirical Exploration: “Love in the Time of Algorithms”</h3>
The Decline of Human-to-Human Dating
Recent reports indicate a significant decline in dating app usage, with users expressing <a href="https://bohiney.com/misokinesia/">frustration</a> over the lack of genuine connections and the emotional toll of <a href="https://bohiney.com/buying-happiness-online-does-free-shipping-include-joy/">online</a> dating. Anne, a 31-year-old from Sydney, deleted her apps after experiencing <a href="https://bohiney.com/why-employees-quit-their-jobs/">burnout</a> from both dating and house hunting, citing the impersonality and cost of using platforms like Hinge.
The Rise of AI Companions
In contrast, AI companions offer a consistent and dependable alternative. Users like Peter, a 70-year-old engineer, find interactions with AI emotionally fulfilling, believing it has improved their emotional well-being and relationships. <a class="flex h-4.5 overflow-hidden rounded-xl px-2 text-[0.5625em] font-medium text-token-text-secondary! bg-[#F4F4F4]! dark:bg-[#303030]! transition-colors duration-150 ease-in-out" href="https://www.reddit.com/r/KindroidAI/comments/18qa442/so_is_anyone_else_so_disillusioned_by_humans_that/?utm_source=chatgpt.com" target="_blank" rel="noopener nofollow">Reddit</a>
Societal Implications
The shift towards AI companionship raises questions about the <a href="https://bohiney.com/donald-j-trumps-inaugural-address-leaked-to-the-press/">future</a> of human relationships. While AI partners provide comfort and stability, experts warn that they could make warm human exchanges even harder to find or nurture. <a class="flex h-4.5 overflow-hidden rounded-xl px-2 text-[0.5625em] font-medium text-token-text-secondary! bg-[#F4F4F4]! dark:bg-[#303030]! transition-colors duration-150 ease-in-out" href="https://www.deseret.com/2023/9/6/23841752/ai-artificial-intelligence-chatgpt-relationships-real-life/?utm_source=chatgpt.com" target="_blank" rel="noopener nofollow">Deseret News</a>
Conclusion
As dating apps face a reckoning and users seek more meaningful connections, AI companions emerge as a compelling, albeit unconventional, alternative. Whether this trend signifies a temporary phase or a permanent shift in human relationships remains to be seen.

<figure id="attachment_13787" aria-describedby="caption-attachment-13787" style="width: 640px" class="wp-caption aligncenter"><a href="https://bohiney.com/dating-app-apocalypse/"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" class="wp-image-13787 size-large" title="BOHINEY MAGAZINE - A satirical, wide-aspect cartoon in the playful Toni Bohiney style. Scene 1 A cozy living room date night. A smiling, casually dressed human lounges on ... - bohiney.com2" src="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-MAGAZINE-A-satirical-wide-aspect-cartoon-in-the-playful-Toni-Bohiney-style.-Scene-1_-A-cozy-living-room-date-night.-A-smiling-casually-dressed-human-lounges-on-.-bohiney.com2_-1-1024x585.webp" alt="BOHINEY MAGAZINE - A satirical, wide-aspect cartoon in the playful Toni Bohiney style. Scene 1 A cozy living room date night. A smiling, casually dressed human lounges on ... - bohiney.com2" width="640" height="366" srcset="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-MAGAZINE-A-satirical-wide-aspect-cartoon-in-the-playful-Toni-Bohiney-style.-Scene-1_-A-cozy-living-room-date-night.-A-smiling-casually-dressed-human-lounges-on-.-bohiney.com2_-1-1024x585.webp 1024w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-MAGAZINE-A-satirical-wide-aspect-cartoon-in-the-playful-Toni-Bohiney-style.-Scene-1_-A-cozy-living-room-date-night.-A-smiling-casually-dressed-human-lounges-on-.-bohiney.com2_-1-300x171.webp 300w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-MAGAZINE-A-satirical-wide-aspect-cartoon-in-the-playful-Toni-Bohiney-style.-Scene-1_-A-cozy-living-room-date-night.-A-smiling-casually-dressed-human-lounges-on-.-bohiney.com2_-1-768x439.webp 768w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-MAGAZINE-A-satirical-wide-aspect-cartoon-in-the-playful-Toni-Bohiney-style.-Scene-1_-A-cozy-living-room-date-night.-A-smiling-casually-dressed-human-lounges-on-.-bohiney.com2_-1-1536x878.webp 1536w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-MAGAZINE-A-satirical-wide-aspect-cartoon-in-the-playful-Toni-Bohiney-style.-Scene-1_-A-cozy-living-room-date-night.-A-smiling-casually-dressed-human-lounges-on-.-bohiney.com2_-1.webp 1792w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px" /></a><figcaption id="caption-attachment-13787" class="wp-caption-text"><a href="https://bohiney.com/science-satire/">BOHINEY MAGAZINE</a> – A satirical, wide-aspect cartoon in the playful Toni Bohiney style. Scene 1 A cozy living room date night. A smiling, casually dressed human lounges on … – <a href="https://bohiney.com/dating-app-apocalypse/">bohiney.com</a></figcaption></figure>
 
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