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<?xml version="1.0" encoding="utf-8"?><rss version="2.0" xmlns:dc="http://purl.org/dc/elements/1.1/" xmlns:content="http://purl.org/rss/1.0/modules/content/" xmlns:media="http://search.yahoo.com/mrss/" xmlns:atom="http://www.w3.org/2005/Atom"> <channel> <title>The Onion</title> <link>https://www.theonion.com</link> <atom:link href="https://www.theonion.com" rel="self" type="application/rss+xml"/> <description><![CDATA[America's Finest News Source.]]></description> <language>en</language> <item> <title><![CDATA[Shadowboxing Nation Just Rewatched ‘Rocky II’]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/shadowboxing-nation-just-rewatched-rocky-ii-1851422823</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/636b86e04022435e6fed16d1b3b982a1.jpg"/><p>PHILADELPHIA—Triumphantly punching through the air as they dodged an imaginary foe, the shadowboxing nation confirmed this week that they had just rewatched 1979’s Rocky II. “God, the part where Rocky’s training right-handed instead of southpaw—oh, and then the chicken-chasing scene! Man, young Sly always hits…</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/shadowboxing-nation-just-rewatched-rocky-ii-1851422823">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>rocky ii</category> <category>sodium compounds</category> <category>superbases</category> <category>adrian</category> <category>na</category> <category>sodium hydride</category> <category>joey rennstadt</category> <pubDate>Thu, 25 Apr 2024 12:15:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851422823</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/636b86e04022435e6fed16d1b3b982a1.jpg"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[SanDisk Introduces New Flash Wheelbarrow For Hauling 5,000 Terabytes Of Data]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/sandisk-introduces-new-flash-wheelbarrow-for-hauling-5-1851425243</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/6a43f2f9a166f7960f126d88aeaad759.jpg"/><p>SAN JOSE, CA—Touting it as the perfect solution for conveying enormous quantities of computer files over farmlands and dirt roads, Western Digital introduced a SanDisk flash wheelbarrow Thursday for hauling 5,000 terabytes of data. “With durable wood handles and a sturdy tire for navigating uneven terrain, the SanDisk…</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/sandisk-introduces-new-flash-wheelbarrow-for-hauling-5-1851425243">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>sandisk</category> <category>western digital</category> <category>memory card</category> <category>american brands</category> <category>technology internet</category> <category>david goeckeler</category> <category>m systems</category> <pubDate>Thu, 25 Apr 2024 11:00:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851425243</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/6a43f2f9a166f7960f126d88aeaad759.jpg"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Teenagers Explain What It's Like Partying With Matt Gaetz]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/teenagers-explain-what-its-like-partying-with-matt-gaet-1851429223</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/217679fedfe5a176243a032c219ebfab.png"/><p>The House Ethics Committee has reportedly interviewed witnesses about Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL) attending a house party with minors, alcohol, and illicit drugs. The Onion asked teenagers what it was like to party with Matt Gaetz, and this is what they said.</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/teenagers-explain-what-its-like-partying-with-matt-gaet-1851429223">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>matt gaetz</category> <category>gaetz</category> <category>kelsey eckert</category> <category>isabella garcia</category> <category>kaylee fernandez</category> <category>ethan reynolds</category> <category>american people of german descent</category> <category>maddy hernandez</category> <category>riley lewis</category> <category>izzy smith</category> <category>chloe kwei</category> <category>caden cunningham</category> <category>emma thurston</category> <category>madison hart</category> <category>luna clark</category> <category>hannah lee</category> <category>alexa taylor</category> <category>tyler hoeber</category> <category>tyler wilson</category> <category>ethan arzu</category> <category>samantha keates</category> <category>lily adams</category> <category>cara anderson</category> <category>jake</category> <category>jim jordan</category> <category>nestor</category> <category>angelina bowman</category> <pubDate>Thu, 25 Apr 2024 10:45:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851429223</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/217679fedfe5a176243a032c219ebfab.png"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[FTC Bans Noncompete Clauses]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/ftc-bans-noncompete-clauses-1851433379</link> <description><![CDATA[<p>The Federal Trade Commission has barred employers from including noncompete clauses, which prevent individuals for leaving the company to work for a competitor for certain lengths of time, in their employees’ contracts, in an effort to increase wages and competition. What do you think?</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/ftc-bans-noncompete-clauses-1851433379">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>contract law</category> <category>kieran jones</category> <category>cecily huerta</category> <category>labor</category> <category>covenant</category> <category>parker zuniga</category> <category>non compete clause</category> <category>federal trade commission</category> <category>labour law</category> <pubDate>Thu, 25 Apr 2024 10:30:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851433379</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[HVAC Technician Confirms Random Clanking Noise Just Normal Sound Of Pervert’s Erection Hitting Metal Duct]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/hvac-technician-confirms-random-clanking-noise-just-nor-1851423505</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/09651f6bc1336c5991c1fa8a66b63a54.jpg"/><p>OLATHE, KS—Assuaging a client’s concerns about a potential problem with their heating and cooling system, local HVAC technician Frank Legrand confirmed Thursday that the random clanking noise the homeowner was hearing at night was merely the normal sound of a pervert’s erection hitting an air duct. “In an old house…</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/hvac-technician-confirms-random-clanking-noise-just-nor-1851423505">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>duct</category> <category>erection</category> <category>penis</category> <category>frank legrand</category> <category>opiliones penis</category> <category>mens health</category> <category>sexual arousal</category> <category>clitoral erection</category> <category>heating ventilation and air conditioning</category> <category>human penis</category> <pubDate>Thu, 25 Apr 2024 10:15:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851423505</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/09651f6bc1336c5991c1fa8a66b63a54.jpg"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Hundreds Of Teenage Shoplifters Run Away With State Of Nebraska]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/hundreds-of-teenage-shoplifters-run-away-with-state-of-1851423136</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/be0a898fc1f16243b18185dcf13f3d80.jpg"/><p>LINCOLN, NE—Warning that crime among the nation’s youth was spiraling out of control, law enforcement officials told reporters Thursday that hundreds of teenage shoplifters had gotten their hands on Nebraska and managed to run off with the entire state. “Last night, a large group of teens loitering near the Iowa…</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/hundreds-of-teenage-shoplifters-run-away-with-state-of-1851423136">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>nebraska</category> <category>environment</category> <category>john a bolduc</category> <category>cornhusker</category> <category>shoplifting</category> <pubDate>Thu, 25 Apr 2024 10:00:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851423136</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/be0a898fc1f16243b18185dcf13f3d80.jpg"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Students Across U.S. Protest Israel-Hamas War]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/students-across-u-s-protest-israel-hamas-war-1851433341</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/abwm6w3prjmdcyvoqfxn.jpg"/><p>Following the arrest of 100 Columbia University students, dozens more pro-Palestinian protests have sprung up across the country, even as the school year winds to a close. What do you think?</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/students-across-u-s-protest-israel-hamas-war-1851433341">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>hamas</category> <category>islamic fundamentalism</category> <category>islam and antisemitism</category> <category>doug lemawn</category> <category>politics</category> <category>anti israeli sentiment</category> <category>rod buster</category> <category>pam diaz</category> <category>education</category> <category>antisemitism in the middle east</category> <category>israelhamas war</category> <pubDate>Wed, 24 Apr 2024 19:57:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851433341</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/abwm6w3prjmdcyvoqfxn.jpg"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Report: Bench Near Piano Secretly Hiding Books About Music]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/report-bench-near-piano-secretly-hiding-books-about-mu-1851416425</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/daf0d4870aa6c2f897e2ded42ebdd9e7.jpg"/><p>MIDDLETOWN, OH—Shocked by the trove of mysterious compositions, household sources revealed Wednesday that a bench near the piano had been secretly hiding several books about music. “My God—ragtime classics, Disney favorites, A Charlie Brown Christmas—does anyone else know about this?” said one source, marveling over…</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/report-bench-near-piano-secretly-hiding-books-about-mu-1851416425">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>piano</category> <category>antiques roadshow</category> <category>entertainment culture</category> <category>african american music</category> <category>ragtime</category> <category>human interest</category> <category>disney</category> <category>a charlie brown christmas</category> <pubDate>Wed, 24 Apr 2024 11:50:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851416425</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/daf0d4870aa6c2f897e2ded42ebdd9e7.jpg"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Disappointed Phish Fans Expected More From Sphere Visuals Than Projection Of Band’s Website URL]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/disappointed-phish-fans-expected-more-from-sphere-visua-1851429459</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/677d2a3e543aeebbe80c4b3e4110d372.jpg"/><p>PARADISE, NV—Expressing bewilderment at the utter lack of spectacle during the jam band’s four-night run in the state-of-the-art entertainment arena, disappointed Phish fans confirmed this week that they were really expecting more from the Sphere’s visuals than a projection of the group’s website URL. “Given what a…</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/disappointed-phish-fans-expected-more-from-sphere-visua-1851429459">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>phish</category> <category>mike gordon</category> <category>you enjoy myself</category> <category>shine</category> <category>jam bands</category> <category>trey anastasio</category> <category>entertainment culture</category> <category>joy</category> <category>trey anastasio band</category> <category>forbin</category> <category>cole stanak</category> <pubDate>Wed, 24 Apr 2024 11:49:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851429459</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/677d2a3e543aeebbe80c4b3e4110d372.jpg"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[U.S. Animation Studios May Have Unknowingly Outsourced Work To North Korea]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/u-s-animation-studios-may-have-unknowingly-outsourced-1851430093</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/a1glirmtpgnnrgkq96yv.jpg"/><p>Researchers combing through a server based in North Korea found animation work for Amazon’s Invincible and Max’s Iyanu: Child of Wonder, including log files that suggest animators in China further outsourced the work to North Korea, unbeknownst to the American companies. What do you think?</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/u-s-animation-studios-may-have-unknowingly-outsourced-1851430093">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>isobelle armitage</category> <category>animation studio</category> <category>eddie sanchez</category> <category>ritik ballard</category> <pubDate>Wed, 24 Apr 2024 11:15:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851430093</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/a1glirmtpgnnrgkq96yv.jpg"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Wild St. Peter’s Basilica Crowd Tosses Around Inflatable Crucifix]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/wild-st-peter-s-basilica-crowd-tosses-around-inflatabl-1851422794</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/5c4bad5489ae73eb043b67ebc687a522.jpg"/><p>VATICAN—Their excitement reaching a fever pitch as they awaited the supreme pontiff’s appearance for a papal audience, a wild St. Peter’s Basilica crowd grew increasingly fired up Wednesday as they tossed around inflatable crucifixes, Holy See sources confirmed. “Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy…</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/wild-st-peter-s-basilica-crowd-tosses-around-inflatabl-1851422794">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>crucifix</category> <category>giuseppe bernardi</category> <category>catholic liturgy</category> <category>patri</category> <category>iconography of jesus</category> <category>gloria patri</category> <category>crowd surfing</category> <category>anglican liturgy</category> <category>pope francis</category> <category>sacramentals</category> <category>altar</category> <pubDate>Wed, 24 Apr 2024 11:00:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851422794</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/5c4bad5489ae73eb043b67ebc687a522.jpg"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Female Athletes React To Nike’s Revealing Olympic Uniforms]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/female-athletes-react-to-nike-s-revealing-olympic-unifo-1851423263</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/8c045f224ec04cde429c59bc1e657cd5.png"/><p>Nike came under fire recently after its women’s uniforms for the U.S. Olympic track and field team appeared far more needlessly revealing than the men’s. The Onion asked female athletes how they felt about the outfits, and this is what they said.</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/female-athletes-react-to-nike-s-revealing-olympic-unifo-1851423263">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>nike</category> <category>sports</category> <category>claye</category> <category>richardson</category> <category>danica patrick</category> <category>suni lee</category> <category>alicia monson</category> <category>emma coburn</category> <category>fiona</category> <category>courtney frerichs</category> <category>billie jean</category> <category>tara davis</category> <category>katie ledecky</category> <category>carri richardson</category> <category>european wax center</category> <category>katie moon</category> <category>caitlin clark</category> <category>simone biles</category> <category>morelle mccane</category> <category>jake paul boxing mike tyson</category> <category>diana taurasi</category> <pubDate>Wed, 24 Apr 2024 10:45:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851423263</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/8c045f224ec04cde429c59bc1e657cd5.png"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Billionaire’s Guest House Oasis]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/billionaire-s-guest-house-oasis-1851429659</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/e6972f745d2a122a7305303df8c60686.png"/><p>Being his sexual plaything doesn’t seem so bad once you realize you get to wake up to amazing views on his private island every day!</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/billionaire-s-guest-house-oasis-1851429659">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>hospitality recreation</category> <pubDate>Wed, 24 Apr 2024 10:30:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851429659</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/e6972f745d2a122a7305303df8c60686.png"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Harvard Demolishes Library Covered In Human Skin]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/harvard-demolishes-library-covered-in-human-skin-1851422780</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/44258967d2d67a8aa6998a237370bacf.jpg"/><p>CAMBRIDGE, MA—Conceding that the ethical dilemmas raised by holding onto such an artifact had proven too great, Harvard University announced Wednesday the demolition of Houghton Library, an edifice covered in tanned human skin. “After careful consideration and consultation with experts in the field, the administration…</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/harvard-demolishes-library-covered-in-human-skin-1851422780">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>cadaver</category> <category>flesh</category> <category>education</category> <category>human skin color</category> <pubDate>Wed, 24 Apr 2024 10:15:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851422780</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/44258967d2d67a8aa6998a237370bacf.jpg"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Man Stops One Oreo Short Of Successfully Eating Away Problems]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/man-stops-one-oreo-short-of-successfully-eating-away-pr-1851420345</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/9d8b59e5fd29c3ee2af97c20f97d018d.jpg"/><p>TAOS, NM—Returning the snacks to the cupboard a few bites before everything in his life would have fallen into place, local man Mario Rossi stopped one Oreo short of successfully eating away all of his problems, sources reported Wednesday. “Well, I’ve certainly had enough of those,” the 35-year-old said to himself,…</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/man-stops-one-oreo-short-of-successfully-eating-away-pr-1851420345">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>oreo</category> <category>eating</category> <category>snack</category> <category>junk food</category> <category>snack foods</category> <category>nabisco brands</category> <category>sandwich</category> <category>deep fried oreo</category> <category>mario rossi</category> <category>cookie</category> <category>types of food</category> <category>sandwich cookies</category> <pubDate>Wed, 24 Apr 2024 10:00:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851420345</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/9d8b59e5fd29c3ee2af97c20f97d018d.jpg"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Taylor Swift Drops ‘The Tortured Poets Department’]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/taylor-swift-drops-the-tortured-poets-department-1851430049</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/abwm6w3prjmdcyvoqfxn.jpg"/><p>Taylor Swift’s latest album The Tortured Poets Department dropped Friday, immediately breaking streaming records on Spotify, Amazon Music, and Apple Music with 300 million streams in its first day. What do you think?</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/taylor-swift-drops-the-tortured-poets-department-1851430049">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>taylor swift</category> <category>the tortured poets department</category> <category>taylor</category> <category>amazon</category> <category>entertainment culture</category> <category>apple music</category> <category>gary fluornoy</category> <category>spotify</category> <category>scott deruiter</category> <category>spotify</category> <category>human interest</category> <category>victoria thomas</category> <category>finally</category> <pubDate>Tue, 23 Apr 2024 19:20:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851430049</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/abwm6w3prjmdcyvoqfxn.jpg"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Trump Held In Contempt Of Court After Stabbing Michael Cohen To Death With Ballpoint Pen]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/trump-held-in-contempt-of-court-after-stabbing-michael-1851429453</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/ee278bd3671e09f6fc005a09034b79e7.jpg"/><p>NEW YORK—Violating the judge’s order prohibiting the former president from killing his one-time fixer, Donald Trump was held in contempt of court Tuesday after stabbing Michael Cohen to death with a ballpoint pen. “Given the defendant’s willful and repeated refusal to comply with this court’s instruction not to shank…</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/trump-held-in-contempt-of-court-after-stabbing-michael-1851429453">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>michael cohen</category> <category>contempt of court</category> <category>juan merchan</category> <category>donald trump</category> <category>donald trump litigation</category> <category>stormy daniels</category> <category>prosecution of donald trump in new york</category> <category>the trump organization</category> <category>law crime</category> <pubDate>Tue, 23 Apr 2024 18:00:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851429453</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/ee278bd3671e09f6fc005a09034b79e7.jpg"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Damning New Report Finds Someone Not Wearing The Shirt Wife Picked Out For Them]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/damning-new-report-finds-someone-not-wearing-the-shirt-1851420536</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/2993d6a9ca9c1c50cf3f5ce6ab7607a9.jpg"/><p>CARMEL, IN—Though they had previously approved the style and color, a damning new report released Tuesday found that someone wasn’t wearing the shirt their wife picked out for them. Sources confirmed that someone, who shall remain nameless, had shown up to a nice dinner party in a shirt that was not the one from the…</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/damning-new-report-finds-someone-not-wearing-the-shirt-1851420536">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>shirts</category> <category>wear</category> <category>undergarments</category> <category>entertainment culture</category> <category>fashion</category> <category>mary</category> <category>sleeveless shirt</category> <pubDate>Tue, 23 Apr 2024 11:53:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851420536</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/2993d6a9ca9c1c50cf3f5ce6ab7607a9.jpg"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Walmart Baby Registry Questionnaire Includes Checkbox For Whether Or Not Pregnancy Forced]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/walmart-baby-registry-questionnaire-includes-checkbox-f-1851416496</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/506bb4ed0a717a2aa647333dfe55f3c9.png"/><p>BENTONVILLE, AR—Adapting the retail outlet’s previously simple sign-up questionnaires to the modern world, Walmart announced Monday that its baby registry would now include a checkbox for denoting whether or not the pregnancy was forced. “We heard from many Walmart customers that it would be convenient to have a…</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/walmart-baby-registry-questionnaire-includes-checkbox-f-1851416496">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>walmart</category> <category>checkbox</category> <category>walmartcom</category> <category>noreen davis</category> <category>walton family</category> <pubDate>Tue, 23 Apr 2024 11:51:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851416496</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/506bb4ed0a717a2aa647333dfe55f3c9.png"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Tearful God Admits To Kidnapping Humanity 4,000 Years Ago To Raise As Own Children]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/tearful-god-admits-to-kidnapping-humanity-4-000-years-a-1851420339</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/8c2e4e35ac1b9de4671e3992bb74774e.jpg"/><p>THE HEAVENS—Saying He did not expect the species to forgive Him, a tearful God, Our Lord and long-supposed Heavenly Father, admitted to reporters Tuesday that He kidnapped human beings 4,000 years ago to raise them as His own children. “I’m so sorry—I know I’ve always said you were created in My image, but that’s not…</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/tearful-god-admits-to-kidnapping-humanity-4-000-years-a-1851420339">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>god</category> <category>god in christianity</category> <category>marduk</category> <category>religion belief</category> <category>adam and eve</category> <category>enki</category> <pubDate>Tue, 23 Apr 2024 10:30:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851420339</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/8c2e4e35ac1b9de4671e3992bb74774e.jpg"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Report: Your Mother A Sexual Creature]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/report-your-mother-a-sexual-creature-1851420338</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/f4a3a49fd3502b657b9293be1922aac8.png"/><p>MISSOULA, MT—Bringing significant attention to the fact that the person who gave birth to you has carnal needs and desires just like anyone else, a report released inside your head Tuesday confirmed that your mother is a sexual creature. “We can conclude without reservation that the woman who brought you into this…</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/report-your-mother-a-sexual-creature-1851420338">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>evolutionary psychology</category> <category>euphoriants</category> <category>human sexual activity</category> <category>human sexuality</category> <category>orgasm</category> <category>human interest</category> <category>sexual acts</category> <category>loin</category> <pubDate>Tue, 23 Apr 2024 10:15:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851420338</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/f4a3a49fd3502b657b9293be1922aac8.png"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Tesla Fans Explain Why Elon Musk Deserves $56 Billion Payout]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/tesla-fans-explain-why-elon-musk-deserves-56-billion-p-1851422779</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/c25f3cb90fd86aa7ef008f75d3e903dd.png"/><p>Tesla recently sought shareholder approval to restore Elon Musk’s $56 billion pay package, which was rejected by a Delaware judge. The Onion asked Tesla fans to explain why Elon Musk deserves the $56 billion payout.</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/tesla-fans-explain-why-elon-musk-deserves-56-billion-p-1851422779">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>elon musk</category> <category>tesla</category> <category>leo waltham</category> <category>neuralink</category> <category>biggest shortcomings of teslas self</category> <category>elijah carter</category> <category>ryan baker</category> <category>malik crawford</category> <category>paul suchecki</category> <category>nolan mercer</category> <category>luca rossi</category> <category>glenn morris</category> <category>tyrone jackson</category> <category>claudia reichardt</category> <category>lena wong</category> <category>sasha kastelman</category> <category>cybersecurity</category> <category>scott robinson</category> <category>byron clark</category> <category>george ruiz</category> <category>tesla inc</category> <category>miguel santos</category> <category>daniel green</category> <category>greg ipser</category> <category>rosemary jacobson</category> <pubDate>Tue, 23 Apr 2024 10:00:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851422779</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/c25f3cb90fd86aa7ef008f75d3e903dd.png"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Light Pole Installation Causes 911 Service Outage Across Several States]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/light-pole-installation-causes-911-service-outage-acros-1851423181</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/a1glirmtpgnnrgkq96yv.jpg"/><p>Lumen, the company that supports 911 some emergency call services, stated that the outages in Nevada, South Dakota, and Nebraska that left callers unanswered were caused by a “fiber cut” during the installation of a light pole. What do you think?</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/light-pole-installation-causes-911-service-outage-acros-1851423181">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>911</category> <category>drew fanning</category> <category>zoey burns</category> <category>federal communications commission</category> <category>ben kadapul</category> <pubDate>Mon, 22 Apr 2024 12:00:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851423181</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/a1glirmtpgnnrgkq96yv.jpg"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Girlfriend’s Eyes Peeking Up Over Torso During Blow Job Like Gator In Bayou]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/girlfriend-s-eyes-peeking-up-over-torso-during-blow-job-1851423073</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/207b4a940b273db8d5f27c245fea2f31.jpg"/><p>JERSEY CITY—Lurking ominously as her unsuspecting prey lay naked with his clothes strewn at the foot of the bed, local man Greg Jensen’s girlfriend peeked up over his torso during a blow job Monday like a gator in the bayou. According to terrified sources, Jensen’s girlfriend, much like an amphibious killer roaming…</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/girlfriend-s-eyes-peeking-up-over-torso-during-blow-job-1851423073">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>gator</category> <category>greg jensen</category> <category>bart allen</category> <category>jansen</category> <category>human interest</category> <pubDate>Mon, 22 Apr 2024 11:45:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851423073</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/207b4a940b273db8d5f27c245fea2f31.jpg"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Ways Robot Wives Will Solve The Western Dating Crisis]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/ways-robot-wives-will-solve-the-western-dating-crisis-1851417885</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/af60be7376267cda6a1b300a02cc2ad5.png"/><p>The so-called Western dating crisis has condemned countless men to a solitary life in which they cannot experience the joy of having a wife who exists solely to feed and pleasure them. The Onion explores how the terrifying epidemic of male loneliness could finally be solved if someone were to invent and sell robot…</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/ways-robot-wives-will-solve-the-western-dating-crisis-1851417885">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>robot</category> <category>loneliness</category> <category>nicole kidman</category> <category>the stepford wives</category> <category>roomba</category> <category>foundation universe</category> <pubDate>Mon, 22 Apr 2024 11:30:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851417885</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/af60be7376267cda6a1b300a02cc2ad5.png"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[End Zone Reception]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/end-zone-reception-1851422994</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/6065dd381650258df6c6d9c1f7a1168f.png"/><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/end-zone-reception-1851422994">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>business finance</category> <category>sports</category> <category>structured document</category> <category>book design</category> <category>body text</category> <category>questioned document examination</category> <category>sgml</category> <category>hospitality recreation</category> <category>typography</category> <category>education</category> <pubDate>Mon, 22 Apr 2024 11:15:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851422994</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/6065dd381650258df6c6d9c1f7a1168f.png"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Dad Blows Through 10 Of Child’s Snack Packs In One Sitting]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/dad-blows-through-10-of-child-s-snack-packs-in-one-sitt-1851392079</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/33b6e9dca7c3e3f58dff173d1a85cb3f.jpg"/><p>AURORA, IL—Wondering aloud to himself why they made those things so damn small, local dad Henry Jackson reportedly blew through 10 of his child’s snack packs in one sitting Monday. “Goddamn, no matter how many of these I eat, I’m still hungry,” said the father of two, who, in the span of a single commercial break…</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/dad-blows-through-10-of-child-s-snack-packs-in-one-sitt-1851392079">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>snack</category> <category>peanut</category> <category>convenience foods</category> <category>entertainment culture</category> <category>henry jackson</category> <category>meals</category> <category>hospitality recreation</category> <category>goddamn</category> <category>ritz crackers</category> <category>ritz</category> <category>hunts snack pack</category> <category>peanut butter</category> <pubDate>Mon, 22 Apr 2024 11:00:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851392079</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/33b6e9dca7c3e3f58dff173d1a85cb3f.jpg"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Skydiving Instructor Not Opening Parachute Until You Change Tone]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/skydiving-instructor-not-opening-parachute-until-you-ch-1851391987</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/58a53b38ac0dc28c126b699ed4a6c945.jpg"/><p>SALISBURY, NC—Stressing that he did not need to put up with that kind of attitude, a local skydiving instructor reported Monday that he was not going to open the parachute until you changed your tone. “To be honest, I feel like I deserve more respect than what you’re giving me right now, especially when you’re the one…</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/skydiving-instructor-not-opening-parachute-until-you-ch-1851391987">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>chip lorenz</category> <category>falling</category> <category>parachuting</category> <category>air sports</category> <pubDate>Mon, 22 Apr 2024 10:45:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851391987</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/58a53b38ac0dc28c126b699ed4a6c945.jpg"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[$650,000? To Live In Fucking Ohio?]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/650-000-to-live-in-fucking-ohio-1851422983</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/f700e5caab2e6df56242bff672dd5eb0.png"/><p>I mean, let’s be real, the kitchen is gorgeous and all the hardwood floors are completely original and in impeccable condition, but Ohio? Come on. We don’t even know where Powell is.</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/650-000-to-live-in-fucking-ohio-1851422983">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>ohio</category> <category>powell</category> <pubDate>Mon, 22 Apr 2024 10:30:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851422983</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/f700e5caab2e6df56242bff672dd5eb0.png"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Nation’s Therapists Refuse To See You Anymore Because You Scare Them]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/nation-s-therapists-refuse-to-see-you-anymore-because-y-1851388291</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/669ddf5a7f4682bbba97e1d61d22f0bc.jpg"/><p>DENVER—Insisting a third party be present when they made the announcement, the nation’s therapists held a press conference Monday in which they refused to see you anymore because you scare them. “I’m sorry, but it frightens us how disturbed and unwell you are, and because of that, we cannot continue on with you as our…</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/nation-s-therapists-refuse-to-see-you-anymore-because-y-1851388291">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>peter sanders</category> <category>therapy</category> <category>therapist</category> <pubDate>Mon, 22 Apr 2024 10:15:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851388291</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/669ddf5a7f4682bbba97e1d61d22f0bc.jpg"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Unclear Why Woman Thought Thing She Just Pushed Out Of Vagina Would Be Cute]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/unclear-why-woman-thought-thing-she-just-pushed-out-of-1851392087</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/7201611ef538d9855ae49efd9a803396.png"/><p>REDWOOD CITY, CA—As the woman held her newborn baby for the first time and acknowledged that she wasn’t exactly sure what she was expecting, sources confirmed Monday that it was unclear why local 36-year-old Rose Jeffries thought the thing she just pushed out of her vagina would be cute. “Well, I guess that’s egg on…</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/unclear-why-woman-thought-thing-she-just-pushed-out-of-1851392087">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>vagina</category> <category>anatomy</category> <category>womens health</category> <category>human female reproductive system</category> <category>rose jeffries</category> <category>mammal female reproductive system</category> <category>gynaecology</category> <pubDate>Mon, 22 Apr 2024 10:00:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851392087</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/7201611ef538d9855ae49efd9a803396.png"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Kennedy Family Endorses Biden]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/kennedy-family-endorses-biden-1851423164</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/abwm6w3prjmdcyvoqfxn.jpg"/><p>In a stark rejection of Robert F. Kennedy Jr., a coalition of Kennedy family members publicly endorsed Joe Biden’s campaign for reelection, with Kerry Kennedy saying that “nearly every single grandchild of Joe and Rose Kennedy supports Joe Biden.” What do you think?</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/kennedy-family-endorses-biden-1851423164">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>kennedy family</category> <category>robert f kennedy jr</category> <category>anthony kennedy</category> <category>liberalism in the united states</category> <category>joe biden</category> <category>kerry kennedy</category> <category>anna dasoro</category> <category>politics</category> <category>robert f kennedy</category> <category>edward m kennedy jr</category> <category>rose kennedy</category> <category>samuel pugh</category> <category>gustavo ziff</category> <pubDate>Fri, 19 Apr 2024 18:51:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851423164</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/abwm6w3prjmdcyvoqfxn.jpg"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Circus Elephant Escapes In Montana]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/circus-elephant-escapes-in-montana-1851421507</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/a1glirmtpgnnrgkq96yv.jpg"/><p>An elephant named Viola escaped from the Jordan World Circus in Butte, MO after being spooked by a car while getting a bath and bolting, making it several blocks downtown before being corralled and returned. What do you think?</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/circus-elephant-escapes-in-montana-1851421507">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>circus</category> <category>elephant</category> <category>viola</category> <category>valerie cordero</category> <category>lukas vicenik</category> <category>edgar pulido</category> <pubDate>Fri, 19 Apr 2024 12:20:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851421507</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/a1glirmtpgnnrgkq96yv.jpg"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Conservatives React To Alex Garland’s ‘Civil War’]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/conservatives-react-to-alex-garland-s-civil-war-1851411370</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/5f9b67b3584bee1870891d9df738b792.png"/><p>Alex Garland’s newest dystopian film, which takes place in the not-so-distant future, follows a team of military-embedded journalists as they travel across the country during America’s second Civil War. The Onion asked conservatives how they felt about the film, and this is what they said.</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/conservatives-react-to-alex-garland-s-civil-war-1851411370">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>civil war</category> <category>alex garland</category> <category>julia komnenos</category> <category>entertainment culture</category> <category>brian dorgan</category> <category>alex christenson</category> <category>politics</category> <category>jesse plemons</category> <category>paula evans</category> <category>baker</category> <category>fred gibson</category> <category>barber</category> <category>war conflict</category> <category>cindy carruth</category> <category>george porter</category> <category>dunst</category> <category>jimmie barr</category> <category>kirsten dunst</category> <category>rachel meadows</category> <category>scott homa</category> <category>barris kershaw</category> <category>nikki haley</category> <category>deirdre michaelis</category> <category>george ransom</category> <category>sammy mace</category> <category>anthony cancinos</category> <category>conner richman</category> <pubDate>Fri, 19 Apr 2024 12:00:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851411370</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/5f9b67b3584bee1870891d9df738b792.png"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Man Being Crucified By Romans Keeps Arrogantly Comparing His Plight To Jesus]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/man-being-crucified-by-romans-keeps-arrogantly-comparin-1851407093</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/9b93b257e18118881d9bf0a7db4f6acb.jpg"/><p>ROME—Following comments that drew an immediate backlash for what critics called an inappropriate and self-serving analogy, sources confirmed Friday that Zebedee Peters, a man who is currently being crucified by the Romans, has continued to arrogantly compare his plight to that of Jesus Christ. “Look, I feel for…</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/man-being-crucified-by-romans-keeps-arrogantly-comparin-1851407093">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>jesus</category> <category>crucifixion</category> <category>jesus christ</category> <category>capital punishment</category> <category>roberto bassani</category> <category>saint peter</category> <category>penitent thief</category> <category>zebedee peters</category> <category>public executions</category> <category>torture</category> <category>gospel of luke</category> <pubDate>Fri, 19 Apr 2024 11:51:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851407093</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/9b93b257e18118881d9bf0a7db4f6acb.jpg"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[IRS Under Fire For Blowing $350 Million Developing MMORPG Tax Video Game Called ‘Tales Of Revenue’]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/irs-under-fire-for-blowing-350-million-developing-mmor-1851407097</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/238e8dadf928721c48bcd01f30b7d312.jpg"/><p>WASHINGTON—Drawing swift backlash from critics concerned about the agency’s spending, the Internal Revenue Service came under fire Friday for blowing $350 million to develop a massively multiplayer tax-filing video game entitled Tales Of Revenue. “When I first downloaded it from IRS.gov, I thought it’d just be a…</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/irs-under-fire-for-blowing-350-million-developing-mmor-1851407097">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>daniel werfel</category> <category>indian revenue service</category> <category>business finance</category> <category>tax investigation</category> <category>taxation in the united states</category> <category>anthony lopez</category> <category>internal revenue service</category> <pubDate>Fri, 19 Apr 2024 11:49:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851407097</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/238e8dadf928721c48bcd01f30b7d312.jpg"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Disturbing Reports Find IDF Playing Amy Schumer Stand-Up Clips To Drive Palestinians From Homes]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/disturbing-reports-find-idf-playing-amy-schumer-stand-u-1851419973</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/a9e058b24a3f580483392565b0880a7e.jpg"/><p>DEIR AL-BALAH, GAZA—Following accounts of continued civilian massacres in the Gaza Strip, disturbing reports emerged this week of the Israel Defense Forces allegedly using armored vehicles to play clips of Amy Schumer’s stand-up comedy in order to drive Palestinians from their homes. “The IDF is currently using a…</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/disturbing-reports-find-idf-playing-amy-schumer-stand-u-1851419973">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>amy schumer</category> <category>netanyahu</category> <category>gazaisrael conflict</category> <category>war conflict</category> <category>iranisrael proxy conflict</category> <category>israelhamas war</category> <category>biden</category> <category>gaza strip</category> <pubDate>Fri, 19 Apr 2024 10:15:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851419973</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/a9e058b24a3f580483392565b0880a7e.jpg"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Woman Lured Into Dark Alley By Sign Reading ‘Self-Defense Class’]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/woman-lured-into-dark-alley-by-sign-reading-self-defen-1851388562</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/a1e1adbe71d949d338a797b0623a44df.jpg"/><p>PHILADELPHIA—Her footsteps echoing in the night as she wandered down the unlit side street, local woman Caitlin Morgan was reportedly lured into a dark alley Friday by a sign reading “Free self-defense class for women.” “Free self-defense class this way? Don’t mind if I do,” said Morgan, who delightedly followed the…</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/woman-lured-into-dark-alley-by-sign-reading-self-defen-1851388562">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>self defense</category> <category>krav maga</category> <category>maga</category> <category>caitlin morgan</category> <category>education</category> <category>morgan jones</category> <category>krav</category> <pubDate>Fri, 19 Apr 2024 10:00:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851388562</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/a1e1adbe71d949d338a797b0623a44df.jpg"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Arkansas Government Questioned About $19,000 Lectern Purchase]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/arkansas-government-questioned-about-19-000-lectern-pu-1851420418</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/abwm6w3prjmdcyvoqfxn.jpg"/><p>During an audit, Arkansas lawmakers questioned Gov. Sarah Huckabee Sanders’ (R) staff about the purchase of a $19,000 lectern, a charge which include a $2,500 “consulting fee” and a $2,200 road case. What do you think?</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/arkansas-government-questioned-about-19-000-lectern-pu-1851420418">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>arkansas</category> <category>sarah huckabee sanders</category> <category>gabe nesper</category> <category>bobby henak</category> <category>mike huckabee</category> <category>huckabee</category> <category>molly himann</category> <pubDate>Thu, 18 Apr 2024 19:39:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851420418</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/abwm6w3prjmdcyvoqfxn.jpg"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[White House Gardener Finds Rotting Biden In Compost Bin]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/white-house-gardener-finds-rotting-biden-in-compost-bin-1851419762</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/e4955c0ed44826ab779aac9809a3dffe.jpg"/><p>WASHINGTON—With worms in the pile of plant debris already starting to eat away at the late president’s flesh, veteran White House gardener Dale Haney told reporters Thursday he had found a rotting Joe Biden in a compost bin on the South Lawn of the executive mansion. “Oh, man, the poor little guy must’ve fallen in…</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/white-house-gardener-finds-rotting-biden-in-compost-bin-1851419762">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>compost</category> <category>commander</category> <category>politics</category> <category>white house staff</category> <category>dale haney</category> <category>permaculture</category> <category>joe biden</category> <category>carter</category> <category>haney</category> <pubDate>Thu, 18 Apr 2024 19:10:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851419762</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/e4955c0ed44826ab779aac9809a3dffe.jpg"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Martin Scorcese To Direct Leonardo DiCaprio As Frank Sinatra For Rest Of Their Lives]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/martin-scorcese-to-direct-leonardo-dicaprio-as-frank-si-1851419938</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/0de01f7ff6ea1c2e9cdf7379e71e170b.png"/><p>LOS ANGELES—Noting that the highly anticipated biopic had always been a dream project, sources confirmed Thursday that Martin Scorsese would direct Leonardo DiCaprio as Frank Sinatra for the rest of their lives. “After working together on six different films, Scorsese is beyond excited to team up with Leo and bring…</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/martin-scorcese-to-direct-leonardo-dicaprio-as-frank-si-1851419938">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>leonardo dicaprio</category> <category>frank sinatra</category> <category>martin scorseses unrealized projects</category> <category>entertainment culture</category> <category>leo</category> <category>martin scorsese</category> <category>ava gardner</category> <category>jennifer lawrence</category> <category>hallie deacon</category> <pubDate>Thu, 18 Apr 2024 17:55:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851419938</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/0de01f7ff6ea1c2e9cdf7379e71e170b.png"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Leak Suggests New Taylor Swift Album All About Sink Not Draining Good Because It Clogged By Long Hair]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/leak-suggests-new-taylor-swift-album-all-about-sink-not-1851419883</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/1125dfbc3251dd721053f45880cdd0dc.png"/><p>LOS ANGELES—Circulating online via a Google Drive link, an alleged leak of Taylor Swift’s The Tortured Poets Department left fans speculating Thursday that the new album would be all about the artist’s sink not draining good because it was clogged by long hair. Swift subverted expectations that she would address her…</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/leak-suggests-new-taylor-swift-album-all-about-sink-not-1851419883">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>taylor swift</category> <category>sink</category> <category>swift</category> <category>entertainment culture</category> <category>swifties</category> <category>technology internet</category> <category>plumbing</category> <category>matty healy</category> <category>joe alwyn</category> <category>human interest</category> <category>drain</category> <pubDate>Thu, 18 Apr 2024 17:50:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851419883</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/1125dfbc3251dd721053f45880cdd0dc.png"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Pros And Cons Of Caitlin Clark Going To The WNBA]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/pros-and-cons-of-caitlin-clark-going-to-the-wnba-1851417266</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/50e0b766b624b1eeb897e8cadcd3dcb9.png"/><p>Iowa women’s basketball star Caitlin Clark was selected by the Indiana Fever as the first overall pick in the highly anticipated 2024 WNBA draft. The Onion investigates the pros and cons of the 22-year-old phenom going to play for the Women’s National Basketball Association.</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/pros-and-cons-of-caitlin-clark-going-to-the-wnba-1851417266">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>pros and cons</category> <category>caitlin clark</category> <category>national basketball association</category> <category>mcdonalds high school all americans</category> <category>sports</category> <category>womens national basketball association</category> <category>basketball</category> <category>indiana fever</category> <category>wnba draft</category> <pubDate>Thu, 18 Apr 2024 17:30:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851417266</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/50e0b766b624b1eeb897e8cadcd3dcb9.png"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Attention-Seeking Friend Obviously Hoping Someone Will Ask Where Other Arm Went]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/attention-seeking-friend-obviously-hoping-someone-will-1851407552</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/dfdc840d8935cce5a1b652c3061a9885.jpg"/><p>CHAMPAIGN, IL—As she struggled to pull open the café door with an armful of books, friends of local woman Fela Torres reported Wednesday that the drama queen was, as usual, seeking everyone’s attention and obviously hoping the sad display would lead to one of them asking where her other arm went. “Oh Lord, I wonder…</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/attention-seeking-friend-obviously-hoping-someone-will-1851407552">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>fela torres</category> <pubDate>Thu, 18 Apr 2024 16:25:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851407552</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/dfdc840d8935cce5a1b652c3061a9885.jpg"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Glade Introduces New Meat Freshener Spray]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/glade-introduces-new-meat-freshener-spray-1851408111</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/23ecf42c2355e09ba6ee6d25cdeed4b5.jpg"/><p>RACINE, WI—Touting the product as a quick, easy way to take the putrid stench out of expired goods, household brand Glade announced Wednesday that it had released a brand-new meat freshener spray. “With Glade’s new meat freshener spray, say goodbye to animal products with rotting, foul odors, and hello to…</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/glade-introduces-new-meat-freshener-spray-1851408111">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>glade</category> <category>henkel north american consumer goods</category> <category>cleaning products</category> <category>anna chastain</category> <category>air freshener</category> <category>patty</category> <category>spritz</category> <pubDate>Thu, 18 Apr 2024 12:16:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851408111</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/23ecf42c2355e09ba6ee6d25cdeed4b5.jpg"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[New Study Finds Rocket-Powered Roller Skates Still Fastest Way To Commute To Job As Eccentric Inventor]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/new-study-finds-rocket-powered-roller-skates-still-fast-1851406973</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/30eea645528b88aa770c642727230f0a.jpg"/><p>RESTON, VA—Documenting how spiraling loop-de-loops through traffic help workers speed past rush-hour bottlenecks, a study published Thursday in the Journal Of Transportation Engineering found that rocket-powered roller skates were still the fastest way to commute to eccentric inventor jobs. “Even in areas with access…</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/new-study-finds-rocket-powered-roller-skates-still-fast-1851406973">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>roller skates</category> <category>lawrence wilson</category> <category>skate</category> <pubDate>Thu, 18 Apr 2024 12:14:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851406973</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/30eea645528b88aa770c642727230f0a.jpg"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[All-Inclusive Living]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/all-inclusive-living-1851417025</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/f72084e43e391db3bc179fc2fda87140.png"/><p>This exclusive gated community features everything from restaurants to basketball courts, and it even has its own security team!</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/all-inclusive-living-1851417025">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>access control</category> <category>sports</category> <category>security engineering</category> <category>gated community</category> <pubDate>Thu, 18 Apr 2024 10:30:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851417025</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/f72084e43e391db3bc179fc2fda87140.png"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Record Number Of Windmills Installed In 2023]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/record-number-of-windmills-installed-in-2023-1851416921</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/a1glirmtpgnnrgkq96yv.jpg"/><p>A report from the Global Wind Energy Council found that worldwide, windmills able to produce 117 gigawatts of power were installed in 2023, a 50% increase from the previous year. What do you think?</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/record-number-of-windmills-installed-in-2023-1851416921">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>wind power</category> <category>colton</category> <category>mathieu hyden</category> <category>hyden</category> <category>nina cipollo</category> <category>windmill</category> <category>colton shaw</category> <category>android nougat</category> <pubDate>Thu, 18 Apr 2024 10:15:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851416921</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/a1glirmtpgnnrgkq96yv.jpg"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Marvel Fans Explain Why The Silver Surfer Could Never Be Female]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/marvel-fans-explain-why-the-silver-surfer-could-never-b-1851407922</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/04994777e8929e6fe93e2ef084a67429.png"/><p>Though most incarnations of the superhero have been male, it was recently announced that Julia Garner would play a female Silver Surfer in a new Fantastic Four movie. The Onion asked Marvel fans why the Silver Surfer could never be a woman, and this is what they said.</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/marvel-fans-explain-why-the-silver-surfer-could-never-b-1851407922">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>silver surfer</category> <category>todd callahan</category> <category>kevin kijack</category> <category>andrew rosenthal</category> <category>entertainment culture</category> <category>ted nguyen</category> <category>danny gutierrez</category> <category>giovanni marino</category> <category>martin scorsese</category> <category>jake boyd</category> <category>galactus</category> <category>julia garner</category> <category>fox kids</category> <category>robby moriarty</category> <category>cody bridges</category> <category>waiter</category> <category>chauncey johnston</category> <category>greta sampson</category> <category>fantastic four in film</category> <category>deborah lombard</category> <category>mike brentwood</category> <category>brian mardenfeld</category> <category>fantastic four</category> <category>todd gable</category> <category>zack sharp</category> <category>rick phillips</category> <pubDate>Thu, 18 Apr 2024 10:00:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851407922</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/04994777e8929e6fe93e2ef084a67429.png"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Florida Bans Local Heat Protections For Outdoor Workers]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/florida-bans-local-heat-protections-for-outdoor-workers-1851416835</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/abwm6w3prjmdcyvoqfxn.jpg"/><p>Gov. Ron DeSantis (R) signed a bill preventing local Florida governments from requiring heat protection for people working outdoors, such as in construction or agriculture, becoming the second state to adopt such a law after Texas. What do you think?</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/florida-bans-local-heat-protections-for-outdoor-workers-1851416835">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>prakhar</category> <category>environment</category> <category>ray demartino</category> <category>ron desantis</category> <category>social issues</category> <category>alyssa lindestaf</category> <category>desantis</category> <pubDate>Wed, 17 Apr 2024 18:17:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851416835</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/abwm6w3prjmdcyvoqfxn.jpg"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Janet Yellen Unveils Plan To Boost Economy By Stealing World’s Largest Diamond]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/janet-yellen-unveils-plan-to-boost-economy-by-stealing-1851407111</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/8bba63e403f4a5564cbf7527e363d2e3.jpg"/><p>WASHINGTON—Calling the elaborate heist a surefire way to keep unemployment rates low while combating inflation, Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen unveiled a plan Wednesday to boost the U.S. economy by stealing the largest gem-quality diamond ever found. “The Cullinan Diamond has been behind lock and key in England…</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/janet-yellen-unveils-plan-to-boost-economy-by-stealing-1851407111">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>janet yellen</category> <category>yellen</category> <category>the cullinan</category> <category>group of thirty</category> <category>national bureau of economic research</category> <category>macroeconomists</category> <category>li</category> <category>shunichi suzuki</category> <category>tower of london</category> <category>johnny andrizi</category> <category>jerome powell</category> <category>cullinan</category> <pubDate>Wed, 17 Apr 2024 16:20:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851407111</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/8bba63e403f4a5564cbf7527e363d2e3.jpg"/> </item> </channel></rss>If you would like to create a banner that links to this page (i.e. this validation result), do the following:
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