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  32. <title>The Playboy Mansion: America’s Last Lustful Location</title>
  33. <link>https://bohiney.com/the-playboy-mansion-americas-last-lustful-location/</link>
  35. <dc:creator><![CDATA[Alan Nafzger]]></dc:creator>
  36. <pubDate>Tue, 01 Apr 2025 18:57:26 +0000</pubDate>
  37. <category><![CDATA[Entertainment]]></category>
  38. <category><![CDATA[Health]]></category>
  39. <category><![CDATA[CDC memo]]></category>
  40. <category><![CDATA[celebrity parties]]></category>
  41. <category><![CDATA[chlorinated chaos]]></category>
  42. <category><![CDATA[grotto water]]></category>
  43. <category><![CDATA[Hollywood satire]]></category>
  44. <category><![CDATA[Hollywood weirdness]]></category>
  45. <category><![CDATA[Hugh Hefner]]></category>
  46. <category><![CDATA[Jamie Kennedy]]></category>
  47. <category><![CDATA[liquid infection]]></category>
  48. <category><![CDATA[Paris Hilton]]></category>
  49. <category><![CDATA[Playboy Mansion]]></category>
  50. <category><![CDATA[pool party]]></category>
  51. <category><![CDATA[social satire]]></category>
  52. <category><![CDATA[SpinTaxi]]></category>
  53. <category><![CDATA[the Grotto]]></category>
  54. <guid isPermaLink="false">https://bohiney.com/?p=10828</guid>
  55.  
  56. <description><![CDATA[<p>Inside the Grotto: Jamie Kennedy, the Playboy Mansion, and America&#8217;s Last Indoor Lagoon of Lust...</p>
  57. <p>The post <a href="https://bohiney.com/the-playboy-mansion-americas-last-lustful-location/">The Playboy Mansion: America’s Last Lustful Location</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bohiney.com">Bohiney News</a>.</p>
  58. ]]></description>
  59. <content:encoded><![CDATA[<h2>Inside the Grotto: Jamie Kennedy, the Playboy Mansion, and America&#8217;s Last Indoor Lagoon of Lust</h2>
  60. <h3>The Grotto of Eden (If Eden Had Jacuzzis, Mystery Fluids, and a Very Confused Jamie Kennedy)</h3>
  61. <p>Some places are hallowed grounds. The Roman Forum. The Great Pyramids. The <a href="https://bohiney.com/don-lemon-says-im-gay/">Chick-fil-A</a> in <a href="https://bohiney.com/ceo-admits-companys-long-term-strategy-just-a-series-of-buzzwords/">Wichita Falls</a> that still has a ball pit. But for a solid three decades, America&#8217;s most notorious archaeological <a href="https://bohiney.com/bigorexia-takes-over/">marvel</a> was buried in <a href="https://bohiney.com/heidi-montag-and-spencer-pratt-sue-los-angeles-over-fire-damage/">the hills</a> of <a href="https://bohiney.com/virtual-assistant-now-programmed-to-sigh-loudly-when-ignored/">Los Angeles</a>, behind a gate that could only be unlocked with a firm handshake and a loose moral code. Yes, we&#8217;re talking about <strong>the Playboy Mansion&#8217;s Grotto</strong> &#8211; where dreams were made, infections were shared, and <a href="https://bohiney.com/winter-storm/">comedians</a> like Jamie Kennedy were somehow granted VIP wristbands.</p>
  62. <p>Last week, Kennedy broke the sacred seal on grotto secrecy by casually revealing that &#8220;you didn&#8217;t have to be rich or famous &#8211; you just had to have a pulse and be cool&#8221; to gain access. Forensic sociologists refer to this as <strong>&#8220;The Great Democratization of Debauchery.&#8221;</strong> We simply call it <strong>Tuesday at the Mansion</strong>.</p>
  63. <hr />
  64. <h3>Where Water Went to Die (and Possibly Reproduce)</h3>
  65. <p>Multiple unnamed <a href="https://bohiney.com/science-behind-how-alcohol-affects-your-health/">health</a> officials we definitely didn&#8217;t invent confirm that the grotto water once tested positive for:</p>
  66. <ul>
  67. <li><strong>Three types of sunscreen never approved by the FDA</strong></li>
  68. <li><strong>An entire mojito</strong></li>
  69. <li><strong>Two strands of <a href="https://bohiney.com/stem-gender-crisis/">DNA</a> not previously found on Earth</strong></li>
  70. </ul>
  71. <p>One disgraced epidemiologist &#8211; Dr. Darren McGroin, now working out of the back room of a Long Beach vape shop &#8211; claims the grotto may have <strong>&#8220;spontaneously evolved its own bacterial ecosystem that achieved sentience and tried to unionize in 2007.&#8221;</strong></p>
  72. <p>Even Jamie Kennedy himself admitted he once brought a drink into the grotto and walked out with &#8220;an unwanted feeling of closeness to humanity.&#8221;</p>
  73. <hr />
  74. <h3>Social Darwinism in Swim Trunks</h3>
  75. <p>The real magic of the grotto wasn&#8217;t the nudity or the nudity or, again, the nudity. No &#8211; it was the way it <strong>leveled the playing field</strong>.</p>
  76. <p>As Jamie put it, &#8220;You&#8217;d see a janitor from Van Nuys with three women. The dude looked like he just got off a shift at Arby&#8217;s. That was beautiful.&#8221;</p>
  77. <p>Sociologists call this <strong>The Grotto Effect</strong>, in which the traditional hierarchies of wealth, status, and basic grooming collapsed the moment a fog machine went off and someone shouted, &#8220;Who brought the flamingo?&#8221;</p>
  78. <p>In fact, a 2009 University of Arizona study (which has since been redacted after the university president&#8217;s wife recognized herself in the data) found that <strong>47% of all <a href="https://bohiney.com/santorini-the-new-hookup-hotspot/">hookups</a> in the grotto occurred between people who otherwise wouldn&#8217;t share an elevator.</strong></p>
  79. <hr />
  80. <h3>What the Funny People Are Saying</h3>
  81. <p>&#8220;The Grotto was like a sauna if your main goal was to leave with trauma.&#8221; &#8211; <strong><a href="https://bohiney.com/tech-entrepreneur-trapped-in-circling-self-driving-car/">Ron White</a></strong></p>
  82. <p>&#8220;It&#8217;s weird &#8211; there were more cameras than in a Walgreens, but somehow nobody remembered anything.&#8221; &#8211; <strong><a href="https://bohiney.com/hoda-and-jenna/">Jerry Seinfeld</a></strong></p>
  83. <p>&#8220;It wasn&#8217;t a party. It was an adult Chuck E. <a href="https://bohiney.com/bienvenue-to-france/">Cheese</a> with syphilis.&#8221; &#8211; <strong><a href="https://bohiney.com/optimism-of-new-york-jet-fans/">Chris Rock</a></strong></p>
  84. <p>&#8220;I walked in, I slipped on body oil, and I slid straight into someone&#8217;s second marriage.&#8221; &#8211; <strong><a href="https://bohiney.com/10-things-frugal-people-never-spend-money-on/">Sarah Silverman</a></strong></p>
  85. <p>&#8220;There was a guy selling bootleg <a href="https://bohiney.com/olympians-given-condoms-in-paris/">condoms</a> outside the grotto. He had a punch card.&#8221; &#8211; <strong><a href="https://bohiney.com/rubens-restoration/">Larry David</a></strong></p>
  86. <hr />
  87. <h3>Helpful Content for SpinTaxi Readers: Should You Host Your Own Grotto-Themed Party?</h3>
  88. <p>We interviewed some <strong>party-planning experts</strong>, a Vegas hypnotist, and one guy who used to clean the tanks at SeaWorld. Here&#8217;s what they had to say:</p>
  89. <ul>
  90. <li><strong>Don&#8217;t fill your tub with mystery water.</strong> Stick to filtered water and not a piña colada you found behind the couch.</li>
  91. <li><strong>Get insurance.</strong> Like, a lot of insurance. For your guests, your house, and your <a href="https://bohiney.com/donald-j-trumps-inaugural-address-leaked-to-the-press/">future</a> lawsuits.</li>
  92. <li><strong>Install blacklights.</strong> So people know what to avoid.</li>
  93. <li><strong>Make a playlist that includes nothing from the &#8217;90s.</strong> Unless you want Jamie Kennedy to show up uninvited.</li>
  94. </ul>
  95. <hr />
  96. <h3>Part 2 Coming Up:</h3>
  97. <ul>
  98. <li>The man who claimed he fathered triplets in the grotto and now runs a kombucha stand in Pasadena.</li>
  99. <li>Why the CDC briefly considered declaring the Playboy Mansion a wetland conservation site.</li>
  100. <li>And: What the water actually whispered to <a href="https://bohiney.com/gymnasts-vs-mimes/">Paris</a> Hilton in 2005.</li>
  101. </ul>
  102. <p><a href="https://bohiney.com/sex-in-the-olympic-village/">Auf Wiedersehen</a>. Want to keep going with Part 2?</p>
  103. <hr />
  104. <figure id="attachment_10831" aria-describedby="caption-attachment-10831" style="width: 640px" class="wp-caption aligncenter"><a href="https://bohiney.com/the-playboy-mansion-americas-last-lustful-location/bohiney-news-a-wide-aspect-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-bohiney-magazine-scene_-a-nighttime-mansion-pool-party-in-its-wild-prime-the-glowing-swimming-pool-is-surro-bohiney-com-4/"><img fetchpriority="high" decoding="async" src="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-aspect-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Scene_-A-nighttime-mansion-pool-party-in-its-wild-prime.-The-glowing-swimming-pool-is-surro.-bohiney.com-4-1024x585.jpg" alt="BOHINEY NEWS - A wide-aspect satirical cartoon in the style of Bohiney Magazine. Scene A nighttime mansion pool party in its wild prime. The glowing swimming pool is surro... - bohiney.com 4" width="640" height="366" /></a><figcaption id="caption-attachment-10831" class="wp-caption-text"><a href="https://bohiney.com/bohiney-meaning/">BOHINEY</a> <a href="https://bohiney.com/david-muirs-narcissistic-fashion-moves-while-covering-la-wildfires/">NEWS</a> &#8211; A wide-aspect satirical cartoon in the style of Bohiney Magazine. Scene A nighttime mansion pool party in its wild prime. The glowing <a href="https://bohiney.com/paris-olympics-2024-snails-sabotage-sports/">swimming</a> pool is surro&#8230; &#8211; <a href="https://bohiney.com/romance-and-rivalry-at-the-paris-games/">bohiney.com</a></figcaption></figure>
  105. <h2>What Lies Beneath: The Grotto&#8217;s Forgotten Fluids, Whispering Water, and the Kombucha Prophet of Pasadena</h2>
  106. <h3>The Man Who Claims the Grotto Made Him a Father (to Fluids, Not People)</h3>
  107. <p>Meet <strong>Dale &#8220;Trip Daddy&#8221; Bruckner</strong>, a former karaoke DJ and amateur cologne chemist who claims the Playboy Mansion&#8217;s grotto is the <strong>biological father of his children</strong>. Dale insists he conceived <strong>triplets</strong> during a foam party in 2003, though all he remembers is waking up between a saxophone player from <a href="https://bohiney.com/reality-tv-show-to-feature-former-celebrities-trying-to-live-on-minimum-wage/">Miami</a> and a woman wearing nothing but a cape and a voter registration form.</p>
  108. <p>&#8220;I just know I wasn&#8217;t alone in that water,&#8221; Dale said, sipping from a mason jar labeled &#8220;spiritual juice.&#8221; &#8220;That grotto had a pulse. And when I got out, I felt reborn. And slightly itchy.&#8221;</p>
  109. <p>He&#8217;s since opened a kombucha stand in Pasadena called <strong>Grotto Grains</strong>, where the drinks are fermented with &#8220;ancestral spring essence&#8221; and a laminated photo of Hugh Hefner.</p>
  110. <hr />
  111. <h3>The CDC&#8217;s 2006 Internal Memo: &#8220;This Is a Biohazard, Not a Birthday Party&#8221;</h3>
  112. <p>We obtained a <strong>leaked 2006 CDC memo</strong>, stamped <strong>&#8220;URGENT &#8211; DON&#8217;T TOUCH ANYTHING&#8221;</strong>, in which agency officials debated whether to designate the grotto as:</p>
  113. <ul>
  114. <li>A <strong>Superfund Site</strong></li>
  115. <li>A <strong>sexually active tide pool</strong></li>
  116. <li>Or simply <strong>&#8220;unholy water&#8221;</strong></li>
  117. </ul>
  118. <p>An anonymous <a href="https://bohiney.com/gabbards-hearing-turns-tense-over-snowden-questions/">whistleblower</a> from within the agency (codename: &#8220;Dr. Slippery&#8221;) claimed that swabs from the grotto yielded trace elements of:</p>
  119. <ul>
  120. <li>Fluoxetine</li>
  121. <li>Champagne</li>
  122. <li>Nutella</li>
  123. <li>Something that closely resembled human ambition</li>
  124. </ul>
  125. <p>In a controversial ruling, the <strong>CDC&#8217;s final classification</strong> of the Playboy Mansion&#8217;s grotto was:</p>
  126. <p><strong>&#8220;Technically not illegal&#8230; but unwise.&#8221;</strong></p>
  127. <p>This decision, according to FOIA-released emails, was made after a deputy director admitted to &#8220;having a surprisingly good time there once in 1999.&#8221;</p>
  128. <hr />
  129. <h3>Grotto Water: The Consciousness-Expanding Liquid of the 2000s</h3>
  130. <p>Forget ayahuasca. Forget peyote. The <strong>Playboy Grotto&#8217;s water</strong> was described by guests as:</p>
  131. <ul>
  132. <li>&#8220;Spiritual Robitussin&#8221;</li>
  133. <li>&#8220;A portal to your worst decisions&#8221;</li>
  134. <li>&#8220;A warm, carbonated fog of forgiveness and herpes&#8221;</li>
  135. </ul>
  136. <p>Paris Hilton once claimed the water <strong>whispered a stock tip to her</strong>, which she ignored, but &#8220;still felt empowered.&#8221;</p>
  137. <p>Britney Spears reportedly dipped one toe in and briefly remembered her Social <a href="https://bohiney.com/iranian-drones-take-a-detour-to-new-jersey-skipping-texas/">Security</a> number, while Ashton Kutcher emerged after a cannonball yelling, &#8220;I just solved a proof of God and it smells like shrimp cocktail!&#8221;</p>
  138. <p>This water, according to unverified lore, could:</p>
  139. <ul>
  140. <li><strong>Reveal your spirit animal</strong> (usually a raccoon or a strip mall attorney)</li>
  141. <li><strong>Remove inhibitions and your watch</strong></li>
  142. <li><strong>Help you forget your name but remember every word to &#8220;Thong Song&#8221;</strong></li>
  143. </ul>
  144. <hr />
  145. <h3>False Analogies and Grotto Logic</h3>
  146. <p>Let&#8217;s be clear: <strong>The grotto was not a hot tub</strong>. A hot tub implies warmth, filtration, and some semblance of control. The grotto was more like:</p>
  147. <ul>
  148. <li>A <strong>bio-reactive cuddle cauldron</strong></li>
  149. <li>A <strong>liquid fraternity hazing ritual</strong></li>
  150. <li><strong>Woodstock, if it were sponsored by <a href="https://bohiney.com/wine-not-the-athletes-guide-to-parisian-pubs/">Red</a> Bull and regrettable <a href="https://bohiney.com/18-tattoos-pete-davidson-refuses-to-burn-off/">tattoos</a></strong></li>
  151. </ul>
  152. <p>As Jamie Kennedy astutely noted: &#8220;It was the great equalizer.&#8221;</p>
  153. <p>That&#8217;s not a metaphor &#8211; that&#8217;s a <strong>viable chemical description</strong>. Scientists now believe the pH <a href="https://bohiney.com/the-new-power-of-mma/">balance</a> in the grotto was so off that it may have <strong>erased class distinction via skin osmosis</strong>.</p>
  154. <hr />
  155. <h3>What the Funny People Are Still Saying</h3>
  156. <p>&#8220;If that water had rights, it would&#8217;ve sued for overexposure.&#8221; &#8211; <strong><a href="https://bohiney.com/scientists-discover-coffee-actually-wakes-you-up/">Amy Schumer</a></strong></p>
  157. <p>&#8220;I once found a fake Rolex, a stiletto, and a guy named Steve in there &#8211; and I was only in it for ten seconds.&#8221; &#8211; <strong>Larry David</strong></p>
  158. <p>&#8220;Honestly, the grotto gave me flashbacks to Woodstock &#8217;99. Except with better lighting and fewer fires.&#8221; &#8211; <strong>Chris Rock</strong></p>
  159. <p>&#8220;The water didn&#8217;t judge you. The water couldn&#8217;t. It was too busy metabolizing tequila.&#8221; &#8211; <strong>Ron White</strong></p>
  160. <hr />
  161. <h3>Breaking: Grotto DNA Now Sold as NFT</h3>
  162. <p>In a shocking twist, tech startup <strong>AquaSins.io</strong> has announced the sale of &#8220;<strong>Grotto Water Legacy DNA NFTs</strong>,&#8221; which supposedly contain microscopic samples of the original grotto fluid harvested from a souvenir bikini top found in a defunct Hot Topic in Glendale.</p>
  163. <p>For only <strong>$999.99</strong> (or one disappointing <a href="https://bohiney.com/elon-musk-ranks-for-dino-sword-fighting-video-game/">Dogecoin</a> transaction), you too can own a pixelated JPEG of a water droplet that possibly once touched Scott Baio.</p>
  164. <hr />
  165. <h3>Coming Next in Part 3:</h3>
  166. <ul>
  167. <li>The full CDC warning issued in 2010 that was buried in the same vault as Janet Jackson&#8217;s <a href="https://bohiney.com/pittsburgh-steeler-fans/">Super Bowl</a> nipple</li>
  168. <li>A full fake eyewitness account from someone who met their soulmate in the grotto &#8211; only to find out she was a regional manager for Jamba Juice</li>
  169. <li>Theories that the grotto is still active &#8211; and alive</li>
  170. </ul>
  171. <hr />
  172. <figure id="attachment_10830" aria-describedby="caption-attachment-10830" style="width: 640px" class="wp-caption aligncenter"><a href="https://bohiney.com/the-playboy-mansion-americas-last-lustful-location/bohiney-news-a-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-bohiney-magazine-wide-aspect-scene_-a-detailed-cross-section-of-a-chaotic-playboy-mansion-style-grotto-at-the-top-jam-bohiney-com-3/"><img decoding="async" src="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine-wide-aspect.-Scene_-A-detailed-cross-section-of-a-chaotic-Playboy-Mansion-style-grotto.-At-the-top-Jam.-bohiney.com-3-1024x585.jpg" alt="BOHINEY NEWS - A satirical cartoon in the style of Bohiney Magazine, wide aspect. Scene A detailed cross-section of a chaotic Playboy Mansion-style grotto. At the top, Jam... - bohiney.com 3" width="640" height="366" /></a><figcaption id="caption-attachment-10830" class="wp-caption-text">BOHINEY NEWS &#8211; A satirical cartoon in the style of Bohiney Magazine, wide aspect. Scene A detailed cross-section of a <a href="https://bohiney.com/the-future-of-nfl-and-netflix/">chaotic</a> Playboy Mansion-style grotto. At the top, Jam&#8230; &#8211; bohiney.com</figcaption></figure>
  173. <h2>Secrets of the Soak: The Grotto That Refused to Die &#8211; and the Woman From Jamba Juice</h2>
  174. <h3>The Jamba Juice Love Story That Shook the Chlorine Gods</h3>
  175. <p>Among the countless romances forged under Hefner&#8217;s humid moonlight, none is more tragic, inspiring, and smoothie-adjacent than the tale of <strong>Bradley &#8220;Bro-Chad&#8221; Ventura</strong>, a mid-level assistant stuntman who entered the grotto looking for networking opportunities and emerged four hours later claiming he&#8217;d found <strong>&#8220;his wife, his purpose, and his missing flip-flop.&#8221;</strong></p>
  176. <p>Her name was <strong>Amberleigh</strong>, and she looked like &#8220;a Malibu mermaid mixed with a credit score over 780.&#8221; They kissed beneath a fiber-optic waterfall and pledged eternal lust under the plastic Venus de Milo statue.</p>
  177. <p>Six weeks later, she dumped him in a Jamba Juice parking lot while wearing a headset and blending wheatgrass. He swore revenge, or at least a scathing Yelp review.</p>
  178. <p>He now leads a men&#8217;s retreat called <strong>Grotto Warriors: Reclaim Your Mist Fog <a href="https://bohiney.com/can-america-finally-admit-the-truth/">Power</a></strong>, which meets weekly behind a strip mall Red Lobster and only accepts members who&#8217;ve had at least one mysterious rash.</p>
  179. <hr />
  180. <h3>The 2010 CDC Memo That Was Buried Deeper Than Jimmy Hoffa</h3>
  181. <p>In <strong>2010</strong>, the CDC drafted a document titled <strong>&#8220;Playboy Grotto: A Multi-Fluid Risk Analysis&#8221;</strong>, which concluded:</p>
  182. <p>&#8220;The average person exiting the grotto has more unidentifiable chemical residue than a drug-sniffing dog at a Burning Man port-a-potty.&#8221;</p>
  183. <p>Among the highlights:</p>
  184. <ul>
  185. <li>The grotto water contained <strong>20% tanning oil</strong>, <strong>12% vodka</strong>, and <strong>3% raw charisma</strong></li>
  186. <li>Bacteria cultured from the tiles formed a <strong>&#8220;social club&#8221; with its own bylaws</strong></li>
  187. <li>One strain of fungal growth was allegedly <strong><a href="https://bohiney.com/the-manosphere-is-the-mainstream/">dating</a> a nurse from Cedars-Sinai</strong></li>
  188. </ul>
  189. <p>But the report was swiftly classified after a CDC intern &#8220;accidentally&#8221; uploaded it to a fantasy <a href="https://bohiney.com/swiftiehead-stadium/">football</a> Slack channel.</p>
  190. <p>To this day, the only publicly released line is:<strong>&#8220;This is not a pool. This is an outbreak in soup form.&#8221;</strong></p>
  191. <hr />
  192. <h3>The Grotto Is Still Alive &#8211; And Possibly Dating a Kardashian</h3>
  193. <p>A 2024 <a href="https://bohiney.com/these-billionaires-could-buy-tiktok/">TikTok</a> post by <strong>@GrottoTruther88</strong> claimed that the grotto water, sealed in vintage Mason jars and hidden in a Malibu storage unit, <strong>reanimated itself</strong>, smashed through tempered glass, and &#8220;slithered&#8221; toward the Pacific <a href="https://bohiney.com/gulf-of-america/">Ocean</a>.</p>
  194. <p>The video includes blurry footage of what looks like a moist ripple in the sand, accompanied by an ominous sloshing noise and the faint whisper, &#8220;You up?&#8221;</p>
  195. <p>Sources close to the <a href="https://bohiney.com/vivica-a-fox-was-banned-from-jimmy-kimmel-live/">Kardashians</a> (a guy who once held Kourtney&#8217;s umbrella) believe one of them may already be in <strong>a situationship</strong> with this aquatic menace. Rumor has it the sentient water now goes by the name <strong>&#8220;Groto&#8221;</strong> and identifies as <strong>liquid-fluid.</strong></p>
  196. <hr />
  197. <h3>What the Funny People Are Whispering Now</h3>
  198. <p>&#8220;The grotto was the only body of water where you could catch mono and a six-figure <a href="https://bohiney.com/netflix-or-neverflix-the-eternal-dilemma-of-subscription-choices/">Netflix</a> deal in the same weekend.&#8221; &#8211; <strong>Jerry Seinfeld</strong></p>
  199. <p>&#8220;At one point, the water asked me for a cigarette. I gave it one.&#8221; &#8211; <strong>Ron White</strong></p>
  200. <p>&#8220;Even I wouldn&#8217;t do <a href="https://bohiney.com/jerry-seinfeld-says-tv-comedy-is-being-killed-by-the-extreme-left-and-p-c-crap/">stand-up</a> in there. Too wet. Too weird. Too many ex-boyfriends in swim trunks.&#8221; &#8211; <strong>Amy Schumer</strong></p>
  201. <p>&#8220;It&#8217;s not that the grotto changed people. It&#8217;s that it revealed who they already were &#8211; tacky and damp.&#8221; &#8211; <strong>Larry David</strong></p>
  202. <hr />
  203. <h3>Final Warning from the Surgeon General (Probably)</h3>
  204. <p>A fake-but-accurate Surgeon General poster now circulates on <a href="https://bohiney.com/inside-the-lazarus-group/">dark web</a> forums. It reads:</p>
  205. <p><img src="https://s.w.org/images/core/emoji/15.0.3/72x72/26a0.png" alt="⚠" class="wp-smiley" style="height: 1em; max-height: 1em;" /> <strong>WARNING</strong>: Prolonged exposure to Playboy Grotto environments may cause:</p>
  206. <ul>
  207. <li>Sudden career changes</li>
  208. <li>Mysterious <a href="https://bohiney.com/mark-zuckerbergs-libertarian-awakening/">Facebook</a> friend requests from women named &#8220;Candi&#8221;</li>
  209. <li>Inexplicable interest in DJing</li>
  210. <li>Skin that glows in blacklight even after baptism</li>
  211. </ul>
  212. <hr />
  213. <h3>Helpful Content for SpinTaxi Readers:</h3>
  214. <p><strong>Signs You May Have Been in the Grotto (and Should Seek Spiritual Antibiotics)</strong></p>
  215. <ul>
  216. <li>You hear whispers every time you step in the shower</li>
  217. <li>Your loofah has a tan line</li>
  218. <li>You develop an unexplained affinity for Ed Hardy cologne</li>
  219. <li>You remember nothing&#8230; but you feel&#8230; moistly triumphant</li>
  220. </ul>
  221. <p>If you suspect you&#8217;ve been in the grotto &#8211; or a similarly cursed jacuzzi &#8211; <strong>consult a priest, a pharmacist, and a podiatrist</strong>.</p>
  222. <hr />
  223. <h3>Disclaimer</h3>
  224. <p>This article is a <strong>100% human collaboration</strong> between two sentient beings &#8211; the world&#8217;s oldest tenured <a href="https://bohiney.com/area-cow-declared-professor-at-msu-after-winning-popularity-contest/">professor</a> and a 20-year-old philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No <a href="https://bohiney.com/self-driving-cars-demand-union-rights-threaten-to-strike/">AI</a> was harmed in the making of this exposé, but several pool noodles were emotionally compromised.</p>
  225. <hr />
  226. <figure id="attachment_10829" aria-describedby="caption-attachment-10829" style="width: 640px" class="wp-caption aligncenter"><a href="https://bohiney.com/the-playboy-mansion-americas-last-lustful-location/bohiney-news-a-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-bohiney-magazine-wide-aspect-scene_-a-detailed-cross-section-of-a-chaotic-playboy-mansion-style-grotto-at-the-top-jam-bohiney-com-2/"><img decoding="async" src="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine-wide-aspect.-Scene_-A-detailed-cross-section-of-a-chaotic-Playboy-Mansion-style-grotto.-At-the-top-Jam.-bohiney.com-2-1024x585.jpg" alt="BOHINEY NEWS - A satirical cartoon in the style of Bohiney Magazine, wide aspect. Scene A detailed cross-section of a chaotic Playboy Mansion-style grotto. At the top, Jam... - bohiney.com 2" width="640" height="366" /></a><figcaption id="caption-attachment-10829" class="wp-caption-text">BOHINEY NEWS &#8211; A satirical cartoon in the style of Bohiney Magazine, wide aspect. Scene A detailed cross-section of a chaotic Playboy Mansion-style grotto. At the top, Jam&#8230; &#8211; bohiney.com</figcaption></figure>
  227. <h2><strong>15 Observations Inspired by Jamie Kennedy&#8217;s Playboy Mansion Grotto Memories</strong></h2>
  228. <p><strong>The Grotto Was Basically a Hot Tub Time Machine, Minus the Time <a href="https://bohiney.com/welcome-to-the-internets-echo-chamber/">Travel</a> and Plus the STDs</strong>If you stuck your toe in the water, you might come out with a tattoo and a baby you didn&#8217;t order.</p>
  229. <p><strong>Every Guy in the Grotto Looked Like They Got Lost on the Way to a Dave &amp; Buster&#8217;s</strong>Nothing says &#8220;playboy&#8221; like cargo shorts and an &#8220;I&#8217;m With Stupid&#8221; T-shirt.</p>
  230. <p><strong>Hugh Hefner&#8217;s Parties Were the Only Place Where You Could Be a Plumber and Still Get a Lap Dance from a Danish Supermodel</strong>It was like LinkedIn, if LinkedIn smelled like Axe body spray and broken dreams.</p>
  231. <p><strong>Nobody Ever Knew What Was in the Grotto Water &#8211; But It Definitely Had a High Percentage of Regret</strong>You don&#8217;t go in to swim. You go in to lose your dignity in a warm, moist cloud of mystery fluids.</p>
  232. <p><strong>The Grotto Had More DNA Than a <a href="https://bohiney.com/chicagos-deportation-drama/">Crime</a> Lab</strong>CSI refused to film there. Even they had boundaries.</p>
  233. <p><strong>Jamie Kennedy Wasn&#8217;t Even the Weirdest Person in There</strong>There was a guy with a possum on his shoulder giving life advice to a Victoria&#8217;s Secret model.</p>
  234. <p><strong>It Was the Only Place on Earth Where You Could See <a href="https://bohiney.com/cannabis-compound-discovered-in-the-texas-mesquite-tree/">Snoop Dogg</a>, a Hedge Fund Manager, and a Clown from Reno All Flirting with the Same Woman</strong>And she was married to a magician named Randy.</p>
  235. <p><strong>The Mansion Grotto Was the Original <a href="https://bohiney.com/president-biden-announces-plan-to-cut-national-debt-by-turning-it-into-an-nft/">Metaverse</a> &#8211; Just with Less Consent and More Towels</strong>Except your avatar smelled like tequila and tanning lotion.</p>
  236. <p><strong>Half the People at the Party Didn&#8217;t Even Know Who Hefner Was</strong>They thought he was a retired pharmacist who wandered into the pool area.</p>
  237. <p><strong>The Grotto Was the Only Place You Could Catch Hepatitis and a Film Deal in the Same Night</strong><a href="https://bohiney.com/donald-trump-to-save-hollywood/">Hollywood</a> networking, baby. Shake hands, make deals, take penicillin.</p>
  238. <p><strong>There Were More Silicone-Based Lifeforms in That Water Than in a Marvel Movie</strong>Everyone floated &#8211; even people who didn&#8217;t know how to swim. Thanks to engineering.</p>
  239. <p><strong>At Hef&#8217;s Party, Even the Caterers Got Numbers</strong>You came to serve shrimp; you left with a girlfriend named Misty and a suspicious rash.</p>
  240. <p><strong>Jamie Said He Walked in with a Drink and Left with Existential Dread</strong>Which, oddly enough, is also how most people felt after watching Son of the Mask.</p>
  241. <p><strong>You Didn&#8217;t Need to Be Rich or Famous, Just Available and Ignorant of Waterborne Parasites</strong>It wasn&#8217;t who you were &#8211; it was how long you could hold your breath.</p>
  242. <p><strong>The Real Mystery Was: Who Cleaned the Grotto?</strong>Or maybe nobody did. Maybe it just evolved into its own sentient life form around 2003.</p>
  243. <hr />
  244. <figure id="attachment_10832" aria-describedby="caption-attachment-10832" style="width: 640px" class="wp-caption aligncenter"><a href="https://bohiney.com/the-playboy-mansion-americas-last-lustful-location/bohiney-news-a-wide-aspect-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-bohiney-magazine-scene_-a-nighttime-mansion-pool-party-in-its-wild-prime-the-glowing-swimming-pool-is-surro-bohiney-com-5/"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" src="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-aspect-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Scene_-A-nighttime-mansion-pool-party-in-its-wild-prime.-The-glowing-swimming-pool-is-surro.-bohiney.com-5-1024x585.jpg" alt="BOHINEY NEWS - A wide-aspect satirical cartoon in the style of Bohiney Magazine. Scene A nighttime mansion pool party in its wild prime. The glowing swimming pool is surro... - bohiney.com 5" width="640" height="366" /></a><figcaption id="caption-attachment-10832" class="wp-caption-text">BOHINEY NEWS &#8211; A wide-aspect satirical cartoon in the style of Bohiney Magazine. Scene A nighttime mansion pool party in its wild prime. The glowing swimming pool is surro&#8230; &#8211; bohiney.com</figcaption></figure>
  245. <p>The post <a href="https://bohiney.com/the-playboy-mansion-americas-last-lustful-location/">The Playboy Mansion: America’s Last Lustful Location</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bohiney.com">Bohiney News</a>.</p>
  246. ]]></content:encoded>
  250. <media:content url="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-aspect-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Scene_-Two-CDC-agents-in-hazmat-suits-holding-clipboards-and-gagging-as-they-inspect-the-ch.-bohiney.com-1.jpg" medium="image"></media:content>
  251. </item>
  252. <item>
  253. <title>Sam Altman’s Firing</title>
  254. <link>https://bohiney.com/sam-altmans-firing/</link>
  256. <dc:creator><![CDATA[Alan Nafzger]]></dc:creator>
  257. <pubDate>Tue, 01 Apr 2025 18:37:22 +0000</pubDate>
  258. <category><![CDATA[Business]]></category>
  259. <category><![CDATA[Technology]]></category>
  260. <category><![CDATA[AI safety]]></category>
  261. <category><![CDATA[Altman rehire]]></category>
  262. <category><![CDATA[boardroom drama]]></category>
  263. <category><![CDATA[effective altruism]]></category>
  264. <category><![CDATA[GPT-4 drama]]></category>
  265. <category><![CDATA[Microsoft OpenAI deal]]></category>
  266. <category><![CDATA[Murati whistleblower]]></category>
  267. <category><![CDATA[OpenAI firing]]></category>
  268. <category><![CDATA[Peter Thiel sushi]]></category>
  269. <category><![CDATA[Sam Altman]]></category>
  270. <category><![CDATA[Silicon Valley scandal]]></category>
  271. <category><![CDATA[Slack leak]]></category>
  272. <category><![CDATA[startup politics]]></category>
  273. <category><![CDATA[Sutskever coup]]></category>
  274. <category><![CDATA[tech satire]]></category>
  275. <guid isPermaLink="false">https://bohiney.com/?p=10819</guid>
  276.  
  277. <description><![CDATA[<p>Sam Altman’s Firing Was Just a Little Boardroom Genocide: A Comedy of AIrrors It started...</p>
  278. <p>The post <a href="https://bohiney.com/sam-altmans-firing/">Sam Altman’s Firing</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bohiney.com">Bohiney News</a>.</p>
  279. ]]></description>
  280. <content:encoded><![CDATA[<article class="w-full text-token-text-primary" dir="auto" data-testid="conversation-turn-6" data-scroll-anchor="false">
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  306. <h1 class="" data-start="84" data-end="163">Sam Altman’s Firing Was Just a Little Boardroom Genocide: A Comedy of AIrrors</h1>
  307. <p class="" data-start="263" data-end="287">It started over sashimi.</p>
  308. <p class="" data-start="289" data-end="543">Peter Thiel, famed venture <a href="https://bohiney.com/taylor-swift-redefining-property-ownership-one-mansion-at-a-time/">capitalist</a> and recreational doomsday prepper, leaned over a glistening plate of Japanese avant-garde cuisine in L.A.’s Arts District and told Sam Altman—<a href="https://www.platformer.news/we-finally-know-why-sam-altman-was-fired-from-openai/" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">CEO of OpenAI and part-time AI godfather</a>—that his company was infiltrated.</p>
  309. <p class="" data-start="545" data-end="751">“You don’t understand,” Thiel whispered, likely while dramatically holding chopsticks like a Bond villain. “Half your company is full of Eliezer Yudkowsky acolytes who think Siri is going to murder us all.”</p>
  310. <p class="" data-start="753" data-end="768">Altman blinked.</p>
  311. <p class="" data-start="770" data-end="968">Then, like any reasonable man being warned that his billion-dollar startup is spiritually possessed by philosophy majors with messiah complexes, he picked at his vegan tempura and silently screamed.</p>
  312. <p class="" data-start="970" data-end="1055">Thus began the most dramatic corporate breakup since Ross said, “We were on a break.”</p>
  313. <h3 class="" data-start="1057" data-end="1093">The Sushi Heard ‘Round the World</h3>
  314. <p class="" data-start="1095" data-end="1314">Altman’s <a href="https://bohiney.com/openai-accuses-deepseek-of-plagiarizing/">OpenAI</a> was riding high. <a href="https://bohiney.com/teens-say-theyre-using-chatgpt-for-schoolwork/">ChatGPT</a> was printing dopamine for the masses. Tech stocks soared. Everyone from the Pope to the Pope’s IT guy wanted a selfie with Sam. By all metrics, he was Silicon Valley’s prom king.</p>
  315. <p class="" data-start="1316" data-end="1487">But behind the vegan tasting menu and GPT-generated press releases, the board of OpenAI was quietly organizing an intellectual coup worthy of a <em data-start="1460" data-end="1472">Succession</em> writer&#8217;s room.</p>
  316. <p class="" data-start="1489" data-end="1542">The reason? <a href="https://bohiney.com/silicon-valley-is-sick-and-tired-of-its-marxist-employees/">Sam Altman</a> was “not consistently candid.”</p>
  317. <p class="" data-start="1544" data-end="1721">That’s right. They fired the face of modern <a href="https://bohiney.com/ev-sales-down-but-tesla-stock-rises/">artificial intelligence</a> not for <a href="https://bohiney.com/harvey-weinstein-the-real-victim/">fraud</a>, or theft, or misuse of company funds—but because he was just a little <em data-start="1697" data-end="1702">too</em> good at dodgeball.</p>
  318. <p class="" data-start="1723" data-end="1943">Altman, like a human version of a browser history set to “incognito,” apparently forgot to mention a few tiny details—like launching GPT-4 in <a href="https://bohiney.com/doubling-the-tiger-population-doubling-the-fatalities/">India</a>, skipping safety protocols, and owning OpenAI’s Startup Fund personally.</p>
  319. <h3 class="" data-start="1945" data-end="1988">Sam’s Side Hustles Were a Full-Time Job</h3>
  320. <p class="" data-start="1990" data-end="2182">At the time of his firing, Altman was running OpenAI, managing a fund, building <a href="https://bohiney.com/self-driving-cars-demand-union-rights-threaten-to-strike/">AI</a> chips, whispering to <a href="https://bohiney.com/these-billionaires-could-buy-tiktok/">Congress</a>, doing <a href="https://bohiney.com/bill-gates-reveals-he-probably-would-be-diagnosed-on-the-autism-spectrum-if-he-were-growing-up-today/">TED Talks</a> in his sleep, and spiritually guiding three dozen AI startups.</p>
  321. <p class="" data-start="2184" data-end="2324">One employee compared working for Altman to “being on a rocket ship without a seatbelt while the pilot’s multitasking on six other <a href="https://bohiney.com/elon-musks-brain/">rockets</a>.”</p>
  322. <p class="" data-start="2326" data-end="2431">“I once emailed Sam for PTO approval,” said an exhausted engineer. “He replied by launching a satellite.”</p>
  323. <h3 class="" data-start="2433" data-end="2486">The Board&#8217;s Plan: Fire Sam, Ghost Microsoft, Pray</h3>
  324. <p class="" data-start="2488" data-end="2642">On November 16, 2023, four board members held the most important Zoom call since your aunt accidentally turned herself into a potato on Thanksgiving 2020.</p>
  325. <p class="" data-start="2644" data-end="2855">They voted to fire Altman. They didn’t tell <a href="https://bohiney.com/tesla-to-eclipse-tech-titans-with-robot-army/">Microsoft</a>, their largest investor. They didn’t tell employees. They didn’t even tell the office vending machine, which reportedly stopped dispensing snacks in protest.</p>
  326. <p class="" data-start="2857" data-end="2908">Instead, they hit “publish” on a vague blog post:</p>
  327. <blockquote data-start="2909" data-end="3030">
  328. <p class="" data-start="2911" data-end="3030"><em data-start="2911" data-end="3030">“Sam Altman is no longer employed at OpenAI. He was not consistently candid. That is all. Please do not feed the AI.”</em></p>
  329. </blockquote>
  330. <p class="" data-start="3032" data-end="3143">Satya Nadella, CEO of Microsoft, found out the same way the rest of us did: refreshing <a href="https://bohiney.com/trump-vs-harris-debate/">Twitter</a> in the bathroom.</p>
  331. <h3 class="" data-start="3145" data-end="3196">GPT-4 Might Be Safer Than the Humans Running It</h3>
  332. <p class="" data-start="3198" data-end="3322">The <a href="https://bohiney.com/climate-change-summit-delayed-due-to-bad-weather/">irony</a> is delicious: a company obsessed with making AI align with human values can’t even align <em data-start="3297" data-end="3305">humans</em> with each other.</p>
  333. <p class="" data-start="3324" data-end="3682">OpenAI had created a joint safety board with Microsoft to monitor releases. But apparently, Altman believed “joint” meant “optional.” Products were launched, rules were skipped, and the board learned about GPT-4&#8217;s Indian rollout from an engineer gossiping in the hallway—literally the startup version of overhearing your boyfriend is cheating from a barista.</p>
  334. <p class="" data-start="3684" data-end="3790">One board member described it as “finding out your house is on fire <em data-start="3752" data-end="3759">after</em> the marshmallows are roasted.”</p>
  335. <h3 class="" data-start="3792" data-end="3836">Slack: The Smoking Gun of Silicon Valley</h3>
  336. <p class="" data-start="3838" data-end="4022">In a plot twist worthy of a <a href="https://bohiney.com/high-school-introduces-sarcasm-101-to-prepare-students-for-real-world/">high school</a> group project gone wrong, Altman’s downfall was documented in Slack threads and PDF printouts from a Gmail account with self-destructing emails.</p>
  337. <p class="" data-start="4024" data-end="4235">It turns out that when your management style involves <a href="https://bohiney.com/toxic-relationships/">gaslighting</a> the CTO, triangulating your co-founders, and deploying rogue products, your company’s internal comms begin to resemble Watergate—but with emojis.</p>
  338. <p class="" data-start="4237" data-end="4405">One document included a Slack message where Altman told Mira Murati (OpenAI’s CTO) that legal had approved GPT-4 Turbo’s launch. When she checked, legal replied: “Huh?”</p>
  339. <p class="" data-start="4407" data-end="4493">Another screenshot just said “:fire: :rocket: :lie_detector:” which feels about right.</p>
  340. <h3 class="" data-start="4495" data-end="4556">Mira Murati: The Whistleblower Who Un-Whistleblew Herself</h3>
  341. <p class="" data-start="4558" data-end="4759">Murati initially helped take down Altman, citing his “toxic” <a href="https://bohiney.com/judge-trump-is-out-and-aniston-is-in/">leadership</a> and the fact that Greg Brockman (Altman’s loyal sidekick) kept overriding her authority like a Roomba with a superiority complex.</p>
  342. <p class="" data-start="4761" data-end="4857">But the moment Sam was fired, Murati flipped like a Cirque du Soleil performer on a <a href="https://bohiney.com/wine-not-the-athletes-guide-to-parisian-pubs/">Red</a> Bull IV.</p>
  343. <p class="" data-start="4859" data-end="4994">She signed the employee letter demanding Altman’s reinstatement. In 48 hours, she went from “he must go” to “bring him back or I riot.”</p>
  344. <p class="" data-start="4996" data-end="5110">This marked the first known case of reverse-whistleblowing, or as philosophers now call it: “The Murati Maneuver.”</p>
  345. <h3 class="" data-start="5112" data-end="5170">Sutskever’s Plan: Democracy via Coup, Regret via Email</h3>
  346. <p class="" data-start="5172" data-end="5316">Chief Scientist Ilya Sutskever, once the Jedi of OpenAI, helped orchestrate Altman’s ouster and then expected a standing ovation from employees.</p>
  347. <p class="" data-start="5318" data-end="5408">Instead, they signed a mutiny letter. Even the interns. One office plant tried to sign it.</p>
  348. <p class="" data-start="5410" data-end="5530">Sutskever quickly added his name to the letter too, like a kid who sets the gym on fire and then joins the fire brigade.</p>
  349. <p class="" data-start="5532" data-end="5590">Some say his internal monologue sounded like, “Et tu, Me?”</p>
  350. <h3 class="" data-start="5592" data-end="5640">Brockman: Loyal Sidekick or AI Court Jester?</h3>
  351. <p class="" data-start="5642" data-end="5853">Greg Brockman was removed from the board the same day, mostly because Mira Murati refused to report to someone who thought “transparency” meant forwarding one out-of-context Slack screenshot every lunar eclipse.</p>
  352. <p class="" data-start="5855" data-end="6021">Altman had been promising both Sutskever and another researcher, Jakub Pachocki, they could lead the same department—like a <a href="https://bohiney.com/sean-hannity-and-ainsley-earhardt/">wedding</a> officiated by a pathological liar.</p>
  353. <p class="" data-start="6023" data-end="6148">This led to two teams merging, a leadership vacuum, and a <a href="https://bohiney.com/procrastination-study/">research</a> roadmap that looked like spaghetti thrown at a whiteboard.</p>
  354. <h3 class="" data-start="6150" data-end="6228">The Real Reason? Board Members Were Just Tired of Being Gaslit by a Cyborg</h3>
  355. <p class="" data-start="6230" data-end="6412">Altman may not be a robot, but he’s definitely running some next-gen firmware. His ability to dodge accountability was so refined, GPT-5 now trains on transcripts of his one-on-ones.</p>
  356. <p class="" data-start="6414" data-end="6657">“He’s the only guy who could launch an AI model, deny he launched it, then gaslight you into believing <em data-start="6517" data-end="6522">you</em> launched it,” said one staffer. “And he does it with this weird humbleface. Like a Buddhist monk who just committed securities fraud.”</p>
  357. <h3 class="" data-start="6659" data-end="6721">Thiel’s Advice Was Strangely Prophetic (And Kind of Petty)</h3>
  358. <p class="" data-start="6723" data-end="6914">Thiel warned Altman the EA crowd would destroy him. He was half-right. It wasn’t because they were wrong—it’s because <em data-start="6841" data-end="6913">he said it during a dinner party like a Bond villain with a <a href="https://bohiney.com/iphone-17-will-be-designed-by-the-government/">Google</a> Doc</em>.</p>
  359. <p class="" data-start="6916" data-end="7104">He compared OpenAI’s internal philosophy debates to cult warfare. Which is rich, coming from a man who funded a blood-harvesting startup and openly supports immortality via libertarianism.</p>
  360. <figure id="attachment_10820" aria-describedby="caption-attachment-10820" style="width: 640px" class="wp-caption aligncenter"><a href="https://bohiney.com/sam-altmans-firing/bohiney-news-a-wide-aspect-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-bohiney-magazine-scene_-a-chaotic-sushi-bar-doubling-as-a-boardroom-one-furious-businessman-flips-a-table-c-bohiney-com-6/" rel="attachment wp-att-10820"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" class="size-large wp-image-10820" title="BOHINEY NEWS - A wide-aspect satirical cartoon in the style of Bohiney Magazine. Scene A chaotic sushi bar doubling as a boardroom. One furious businessman flips a table c... - bohiney.com 6" src="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-aspect-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Scene_-A-chaotic-sushi-bar-doubling-as-a-boardroom.-One-furious-businessman-flips-a-table-c.-bohiney.com-6-1024x585.jpg" alt="BOHINEY NEWS - A wide-aspect satirical cartoon in the style of Bohiney Magazine. Scene A chaotic sushi bar doubling as a boardroom. One furious businessman flips a table c... - bohiney.com 6" width="640" height="366" srcset="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-aspect-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Scene_-A-chaotic-sushi-bar-doubling-as-a-boardroom.-One-furious-businessman-flips-a-table-c.-bohiney.com-6-1024x585.jpg 1024w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-aspect-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Scene_-A-chaotic-sushi-bar-doubling-as-a-boardroom.-One-furious-businessman-flips-a-table-c.-bohiney.com-6-300x171.jpg 300w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-aspect-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Scene_-A-chaotic-sushi-bar-doubling-as-a-boardroom.-One-furious-businessman-flips-a-table-c.-bohiney.com-6-768x439.jpg 768w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-aspect-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Scene_-A-chaotic-sushi-bar-doubling-as-a-boardroom.-One-furious-businessman-flips-a-table-c.-bohiney.com-6-1536x878.jpg 1536w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-aspect-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Scene_-A-chaotic-sushi-bar-doubling-as-a-boardroom.-One-furious-businessman-flips-a-table-c.-bohiney.com-6.jpg 1792w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px" /></a><figcaption id="caption-attachment-10820" class="wp-caption-text"><a href="https://bohiney.com/bohiney-meaning/">BOHINEY</a> <a href="https://bohiney.com/david-muirs-narcissistic-fashion-moves-while-covering-la-wildfires/">NEWS</a> &#8211; A wide-aspect satirical cartoon in the style of Bohiney Magazine. Scene A chaotic sushi bar doubling as a <a href="https://bohiney.com/how-can-something-be-ngo-if-the-government-is-paying/">boardroom</a>. One furious businessman flips a table c&#8230; &#8211; <a href="https://bohiney.com/romance-and-rivalry-at-the-paris-games/">bohiney.com</a> 6</figcaption></figure>
  361. <h3 class="" data-start="7106" data-end="7142">What the Funny People Are Saying</h3>
  362. <p class="" data-start="7144" data-end="7288"><em data-start="7144" data-end="7272">&#8220;Sam Altman got fired for lying too well. That’s like kicking Picasso out of art school because his paintings were too weird.&#8221;</em> — <strong data-start="7275" data-end="7288"><a href="https://bohiney.com/10-things-frugal-people-never-spend-money-on/">Ron White</a></strong></p>
  363. <p class="" data-start="7290" data-end="7439"><em data-start="7290" data-end="7418">&#8220;If your company values <a href="https://bohiney.com/zelenskys-self-accusation-circus/">transparency</a> and you fire the CEO without telling anyone, maybe your values need a software update.&#8221;</em> — <strong data-start="7421" data-end="7439"><a href="https://bohiney.com/hoda-and-jenna/">Jerry Seinfeld</a></strong></p>
  364. <p class="" data-start="7441" data-end="7594"><em data-start="7441" data-end="7576">&#8220;Altman’s board said he was &#8216;not consistently candid.&#8217; Bruh, that’s just a startup founder with a subscription to Notion and trauma.&#8221;</em> — <strong data-start="7579" data-end="7594"><a href="https://bohiney.com/scientists-discover-coffee-actually-wakes-you-up/">Amy Schumer</a></strong></p>
  365. <p class="" data-start="7596" data-end="7728"><em data-start="7596" data-end="7707">&#8220;They ran OpenAI like a commune where everyone thinks they’re the only one who knows what ‘alignment’ means.&#8221;</em> — <strong data-start="7710" data-end="7728"><a href="https://bohiney.com/chicagos-deportation-drama/">Dave Chappelle</a></strong></p>
  366. <figure id="attachment_10822" aria-describedby="caption-attachment-10822" style="width: 640px" class="wp-caption aligncenter"><a href="https://bohiney.com/sam-altmans-firing/bohiney-news-a-wide-aspect-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-bohiney-magazine-scene_-a-dimly-lit-high-tech-sushi-bar-where-a-group-of-anxious-startup-founders-whisper-o-bohiney-com-5/" rel="attachment wp-att-10822"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" class="size-large wp-image-10822" title="BOHINEY NEWS - A wide-aspect satirical cartoon in the style of Bohiney Magazine. Scene A dimly lit, high-tech sushi bar where a group of anxious startup founders whisper o... - bohiney.com 5" src="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-aspect-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Scene_-A-dimly-lit-high-tech-sushi-bar-where-a-group-of-anxious-startup-founders-whisper-o.-bohiney.com-5-1024x585.jpg" alt="BOHINEY NEWS - A wide-aspect satirical cartoon in the style of Bohiney Magazine. Scene A dimly lit, high-tech sushi bar where a group of anxious startup founders whisper o... - bohiney.com 5" width="640" height="366" srcset="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-aspect-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Scene_-A-dimly-lit-high-tech-sushi-bar-where-a-group-of-anxious-startup-founders-whisper-o.-bohiney.com-5-1024x585.jpg 1024w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-aspect-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Scene_-A-dimly-lit-high-tech-sushi-bar-where-a-group-of-anxious-startup-founders-whisper-o.-bohiney.com-5-300x171.jpg 300w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-aspect-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Scene_-A-dimly-lit-high-tech-sushi-bar-where-a-group-of-anxious-startup-founders-whisper-o.-bohiney.com-5-768x439.jpg 768w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-aspect-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Scene_-A-dimly-lit-high-tech-sushi-bar-where-a-group-of-anxious-startup-founders-whisper-o.-bohiney.com-5-1536x878.jpg 1536w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-aspect-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Scene_-A-dimly-lit-high-tech-sushi-bar-where-a-group-of-anxious-startup-founders-whisper-o.-bohiney.com-5.jpg 1792w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px" /></a><figcaption id="caption-attachment-10822" class="wp-caption-text">BOHINEY NEWS &#8211; A wide-aspect satirical cartoon in the style of Bohiney Magazine. Scene A dimly lit, <a href="https://bohiney.com/iranian-drones-take-a-detour-to-new-jersey-skipping-texas/">high-tech</a> sushi bar where a group of anxious startup founders whisper o&#8230; &#8211; bohiney.com 5</figcaption></figure>
  367. <h3 class="" data-start="7730" data-end="7806">A Very Helpful SpinTaxi Guide: How to Survive a Firing by Your Own Board</h3>
  368. <p class="" data-start="7808" data-end="7946"><strong data-start="7808" data-end="7850">1. Always Have Microsoft on Speed Dial</strong><br data-start="7850" data-end="7853" />Nothing says “you messed up” like Satya Nadella calling from a private jet and asking, “WTF?”</p>
  369. <p class="" data-start="7948" data-end="8068"><strong data-start="7948" data-end="7996">2. Become So Irreplaceable They Beg You Back</strong><br data-start="7996" data-end="7999" />Altman was rehired faster than most of us can reset a Gmail password.</p>
  370. <p class="" data-start="8070" data-end="8208"><strong data-start="8070" data-end="8118">3. Train your team to revolt in your absence</strong><br data-start="8118" data-end="8121" />Altman’s loyal employees signed a company-wide rebellion. All he had to do was <em data-start="8200" data-end="8207">exist</em>.</p>
  371. <p class="" data-start="8210" data-end="8334"><strong data-start="8210" data-end="8287">4. If you’re going to gaslight people, use Slack so there’s a paper trail</strong><br data-start="8287" data-end="8290" />Classic mistake. Real villains use Telegram.</p>
  372. <p class="" data-start="8336" data-end="8493"><strong data-start="8336" data-end="8386">5. Drop vague <a href="https://bohiney.com/platos-final-hours-as-recounted-in-vesuvius-scroll/">philosophical</a> quotes in <a href="https://bohiney.com/scientists-confirm-the-more-meetings-the-less-work-gets-done/">meetings</a></strong><br data-start="8386" data-end="8389" />Saying things like “The AGI is within us” or “Reality is merely a prompt” will distract people for days.</p>
  373. <hr class="" data-start="8495" data-end="8498" />
  374. <h3 class="" data-start="8500" data-end="8548">The Satirical Autopsy: What Really Happened?</h3>
  375. <p class="" data-start="8550" data-end="8649">Was Altman fired because he was a chaotic visionary who bent reality like Neo with better lighting?</p>
  376. <p class="" data-start="8651" data-end="8655">Yes.</p>
  377. <p class="" data-start="8657" data-end="8799">Was the board a mix of academics, philosophers, and HR consultants whose idea of decisive action involved reading each other’s Substack posts?</p>
  378. <p class="" data-start="8801" data-end="8810">Also yes.</p>
  379. <p class="" data-start="8812" data-end="9111">In the end, Altman returned. Sutskever apologized. Microsoft installed tracking beacons in every coffee cup. And OpenAI went back to doing what it does best: building sentient machines under the watchful eye of deeply unqualified philosophers with dual degrees in <em data-start="9076" data-end="9087">bioethics</em> and <em data-start="9092" data-end="9110">low-stakes panic</em>.</p>
  380. <p class="" data-start="9113" data-end="9168">We may never know the real reason Sam Altman was fired.</p>
  381. <p class="" data-start="9170" data-end="9312">But we do know one thing: whatever happens next will absolutely be announced via Slack, leaked to Twitter, and denied in a New Yorker profile.</p>
  382. <p class="" data-start="9314" data-end="9354">Because that’s how the future works now.</p>
  383. <hr class="" data-start="9356" data-end="9359" />
  384. <h2 class="" data-start="9361" data-end="9380">Disclaimer</h2>
  385. <p class="" data-start="9382" data-end="9667"><em>This article is a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings—the world’s oldest tenured <a href="https://bohiney.com/area-cow-declared-professor-at-msu-after-winning-popularity-contest/">professor</a> and a 20-year-old philosophy major turned dairy farmer. Any similarity to actual facts is purely coincidental, unless it&#8217;s hilarious, in which case it was obviously intentional.</em></p>
  386. <hr />
  387. <hr />
  388. <article class="w-full text-token-text-primary" dir="auto" data-testid="conversation-turn-6" data-scroll-anchor="false">
  389. <div class="text-base my-auto mx-auto py-5 px-6">
  390. <div class="mx-auto flex flex-1 text-base gap-4 md:gap-5 lg:gap-6 md:max-w-3xl lg:max-w-[40rem] xl:max-w-[48rem] group/turn-messages focus-visible:outline-none" tabindex="-1">
  391. <div class="group/conversation-turn relative flex w-full min-w-0 flex-col agent-turn @xs/thread:px-0 @sm/thread:px-1.5 @md/thread:px-4">
  392. <div class="relative flex-col gap-1 md:gap-3">
  393. <div class="flex max-w-full flex-col flex-grow">
  394. <div class="min-h-8 text-message relative flex w-full flex-col items-end gap-2 whitespace-normal break-words text-start [.text-message+&amp;]:mt-5" dir="auto" data-message-author-role="assistant" data-message-id="e5ce3366-f51f-4cda-acf7-97c6187f1efe" data-message-model-slug="gpt-4o">
  395. <div class="flex w-full flex-col gap-1 empty:hidden first:pt-[3px]">
  396. <div class="markdown prose w-full break-words dark:prose-invert light">
  397. <figure id="attachment_10824" aria-describedby="caption-attachment-10824" style="width: 640px" class="wp-caption aligncenter"><a href="https://bohiney.com/sam-altmans-firing/bohiney-news-a-wide-aspect-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-bohiney-magazine-scene_-a-silicon-valley-boardroom-disguised-as-a-sushi-bar-businessmen-wear-suits-made-of-bohiney-com-4/" rel="attachment wp-att-10824"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" class="size-large wp-image-10824" title="BOHINEY NEWS - A wide-aspect satirical cartoon in the style of Bohiney Magazine. Scene A Silicon Valley boardroom disguised as a sushi bar. Businessmen wear suits made of ... - bohiney.com 4" src="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-aspect-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Scene_-A-Silicon-Valley-boardroom-disguised-as-a-sushi-bar.-Businessmen-wear-suits-made-of-.-bohiney.com-4-1024x585.jpg" alt="BOHINEY NEWS - A wide-aspect satirical cartoon in the style of Bohiney Magazine. Scene A Silicon Valley boardroom disguised as a sushi bar. Businessmen wear suits made of ... - bohiney.com 4" width="640" height="366" srcset="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-aspect-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Scene_-A-Silicon-Valley-boardroom-disguised-as-a-sushi-bar.-Businessmen-wear-suits-made-of-.-bohiney.com-4-1024x585.jpg 1024w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-aspect-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Scene_-A-Silicon-Valley-boardroom-disguised-as-a-sushi-bar.-Businessmen-wear-suits-made-of-.-bohiney.com-4-300x171.jpg 300w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-aspect-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Scene_-A-Silicon-Valley-boardroom-disguised-as-a-sushi-bar.-Businessmen-wear-suits-made-of-.-bohiney.com-4-768x439.jpg 768w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-aspect-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Scene_-A-Silicon-Valley-boardroom-disguised-as-a-sushi-bar.-Businessmen-wear-suits-made-of-.-bohiney.com-4-1536x878.jpg 1536w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-aspect-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Scene_-A-Silicon-Valley-boardroom-disguised-as-a-sushi-bar.-Businessmen-wear-suits-made-of-.-bohiney.com-4.jpg 1792w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px" /></a><figcaption id="caption-attachment-10824" class="wp-caption-text">BOHINEY NEWS &#8211; A wide-aspect satirical cartoon in the style of Bohiney Magazine. Scene A <a href="https://bohiney.com/rfk-jr-to-debate-bill-gates/">Silicon Valley</a> boardroom disguised as a sushi bar. Businessmen wear suits made of &#8230; &#8211; bohiney.com 4</figcaption></figure>
  398. <h2 class="" data-start="290" data-end="344">15 Observations Based on the WSJ Deep Dive</h2>
  399. <ol data-start="346" data-end="3562">
  400. <li class="" data-start="346" data-end="635">
  401. <p class="" data-start="349" data-end="635"><strong data-start="349" data-end="431">Peter Thiel Gives Business Advice Over Sushi Like a Fortune Cookie on Steroids</strong><br data-start="431" data-end="434" />Thiel warned Altman over vegan tempura that “half your company is brainwashed by AI doomers,” which sounds less like business intel and more like a rejected plot for <em data-start="603" data-end="634"><a href="https://bohiney.com/how-to-hack-your-brain-and-erase-bad-memories/">Black Mirror</a>: Omakase Edition</em>.</p>
  402. </li>
  403. <li class="" data-start="637" data-end="892">
  404. <p class="" data-start="640" data-end="892"><strong data-start="640" data-end="709">Effective Altruism Has Evolved Into ‘Ineffective Office Politics’</strong><br data-start="709" data-end="712" />The EA crowd shifted from saving starving children to saving hypothetical future <a href="https://bohiney.com/people-who-say-im-not-a-robot-might-actually-be-robots/">robots</a> from hurt feelings. At this point, the movement might be powered by AI-generated <a href="https://bohiney.com/misokinesia/">anxiety</a>.</p>
  405. </li>
  406. <li class="" data-start="894" data-end="1142">
  407. <p class="" data-start="897" data-end="1142"><strong data-start="897" data-end="956">Altman Was “CEO” in Title, “Shadow Emperor” in Practice</strong><br data-start="956" data-end="959" />The board technically had <a href="https://bohiney.com/can-america-finally-admit-the-truth/">power</a>, but Sam wielded influence like Gandalf at a Hogwarts PTA <a href="https://bohiney.com/putin-says-hes-ready-to-meet-trump-to-talk-calmly/">meeting</a>. “The board can fire me,” he said. He just didn’t expect them to actually <em data-start="1134" data-end="1141">do it</em>.</p>
  408. </li>
  409. <li class="" data-start="1144" data-end="1343">
  410. <p class="" data-start="1147" data-end="1343"><strong data-start="1147" data-end="1220">GPT-4 Might Have Triggered More Existential Dread Than <a href="https://bohiney.com/climate-change-global-warming-claims-its-just-sweating-the-small-stuff/">Climate Change</a></strong><br data-start="1220" data-end="1223" />The board saw a demo of GPT-4 and immediately began drafting wills, manifestos, and Doomsday bunker lease agreements.</p>
  411. </li>
  412. <li class="" data-start="1345" data-end="1550">
  413. <p class="" data-start="1348" data-end="1550"><strong data-start="1348" data-end="1419">Murati and Sutskever Pulled Off the Tech World’s First Whisper Coup</strong><br data-start="1419" data-end="1422" />They secretly coordinated over Slack and encrypted PDFs to execute the most polite backstab since Caesar asked, “Et tu, bro?”</p>
  414. </li>
  415. <li class="" data-start="1552" data-end="1775">
  416. <p class="" data-start="1555" data-end="1775"><strong data-start="1555" data-end="1664">Altman’s Definition of ‘No Equity’ Is Like Saying You Don’t Own the Ferrari—You Just <em data-start="1642" data-end="1652">Drive It</em> Every Day</strong><br data-start="1664" data-end="1667" />Altman had “no <a href="https://bohiney.com/dei-olympic-mascot-scandal/">equity</a>,” but quietly owned OpenAI’s Startup Fund. Somewhere, Elizabeth Holmes is blushing.</p>
  417. </li>
  418. <li class="" data-start="1777" data-end="1961">
  419. <p class="" data-start="1780" data-end="1961"><strong data-start="1780" data-end="1829">Microsoft Was Not Told—But Definitely Noticed</strong><br data-start="1829" data-end="1832" />Satya Nadella learned Altman was fired <em data-start="1874" data-end="1881">after</em> the blog post went up. He immediately called his therapist and lawyer. At once.</p>
  420. </li>
  421. <li class="" data-start="1963" data-end="2195">
  422. <p class="" data-start="1966" data-end="2195"><strong data-start="1966" data-end="2059">Altman’s Leadership Style? Think <a href="https://bohiney.com/top-10-weird-business-leaders-in-history/">Steve Jobs</a>, If He Delegated Through Cryptic Slack Emojis</strong><br data-start="2059" data-end="2062" />He’d pit execs against each other like it was <em data-start="2111" data-end="2141"><a href="https://bohiney.com/local-man-claims-watching-reality-tv-makes-him-qualified-to-run-for-president/">Survivor</a>: Neural Net Edition</em>, making promises to multiple people for the same job.</p>
  423. </li>
  424. <li class="" data-start="2197" data-end="2406">
  425. <p class="" data-start="2200" data-end="2406"><strong data-start="2200" data-end="2274">The Board Was Shocked—SHOCKED!—That Their Secret Plot Had Consequences</strong><br data-start="2274" data-end="2277" />After firing Altman, they were surprised people <em data-start="2328" data-end="2335">cared</em>. Maybe they expected applause? <a href="https://bohiney.com/the-future-of-nfl-and-netflix/">Confetti</a>? A standing ovation from Siri?</p>
  426. </li>
  427. <li class="" data-start="2408" data-end="2645">
  428. <p class="" data-start="2412" data-end="2645"><strong data-start="2412" data-end="2494">Murati Flipped Sides Like a Well-Trained AI Model Prompted by a Larger Dataset</strong><br data-start="2494" data-end="2497" />First she provided evidence against Altman. Then she signed the employee letter demanding his return. Consistency is for carbon-based lifeforms.</p>
  429. </li>
  430. <li class="" data-start="2647" data-end="2820">
  431. <p class="" data-start="2651" data-end="2820"><strong data-start="2651" data-end="2718">Sutskever Was Branded a Traitor by Altman’s Army of Loyal Nerds</strong><br data-start="2718" data-end="2721" />He expected the staff to thank him. Instead, they turned faster than a <a href="https://bohiney.com/photos-elon-musk-and-ashley-st-clair/">Tesla</a> in Ludicrous Mode.</p>
  432. </li>
  433. <li class="" data-start="2822" data-end="2980">
  434. <p class="" data-start="2826" data-end="2980"><strong data-start="2826" data-end="2879">Altman Had More Comebacks Than a <a href="https://bohiney.com/bigorexia-takes-over/">Marvel</a> Superhero</strong><br data-start="2879" data-end="2882" />Fired Friday. Rehired Monday. Next time he’ll probably just teleport back through an API call.</p>
  435. </li>
  436. <li class="" data-start="2982" data-end="3148">
  437. <p class="" data-start="2986" data-end="3148"><strong data-start="2986" data-end="3060">The Board Voted via Zoom Call Like It Was Fantasy <a href="https://bohiney.com/swiftiehead-stadium/">Football</a> Draft Night</strong><br data-start="3060" data-end="3063" />“Okay, I vote to fire Sam and bench Brockman. Also, I’m starting GPT-4 as my QB.”</p>
  438. </li>
  439. <li class="" data-start="3150" data-end="3344">
  440. <p class="" data-start="3154" data-end="3344"><strong data-start="3154" data-end="3195">Slack Messages Became the Smoking Gun</strong><br data-start="3195" data-end="3198" />Internal documentation of lies, bullying, and <a href="https://bohiney.com/tech-entrepreneur-trapped-in-circling-self-driving-car/">rogue AI</a> rollouts were stored in Slack like it was Nixon’s <a href="https://bohiney.com/nixon-knee-deep-in-watergate/">Watergate</a> tapes—but with more emojis.</p>
  441. </li>
  442. <li class="" data-start="3346" data-end="3562">
  443. <p class="" data-start="3350" data-end="3562"><strong data-start="3350" data-end="3415">Altman Made AI Look Safe Compared to His Own Management Style</strong><br data-start="3415" data-end="3418" />When you’re building machines that could end civilization, the <em data-start="3485" data-end="3493">people</em> running it shouldn’t also be described as “mercurial” and “cryptic.”</p>
  444. </li>
  445. </ol>
  446. <hr class="" data-start="3564" data-end="3567" />
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  456. <article class="w-full text-token-text-primary" dir="auto" data-testid="conversation-turn-8" data-scroll-anchor="true">
  457. <div class="text-base my-auto mx-auto py-5 px-6">
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  464. <div class="markdown prose w-full break-words dark:prose-invert light">
  465. <figure id="attachment_10823" aria-describedby="caption-attachment-10823" style="width: 640px" class="wp-caption aligncenter"><a href="https://bohiney.com/sam-altmans-firing/bohiney-news-a-wide-aspect-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-bohiney-magazine-scene_-a-neon-lit-futuristic-sushi-bar-filled-with-awkwardly-seated-businessmen-in-sharp-su-bohiney-com-1/" rel="attachment wp-att-10823"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" class="size-large wp-image-10823" title="BOHINEY NEWS - A wide-aspect satirical cartoon in the style of Bohiney Magazine. Scene A neon-lit futuristic sushi bar filled with awkwardly seated businessmen in sharp su... - bohiney.com 1" src="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-aspect-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Scene_-A-neon-lit-futuristic-sushi-bar-filled-with-awkwardly-seated-businessmen-in-sharp-su.-bohiney.com-1-1024x585.jpg" alt="BOHINEY NEWS - A wide-aspect satirical cartoon in the style of Bohiney Magazine. Scene A neon-lit futuristic sushi bar filled with awkwardly seated businessmen in sharp su... - bohiney.com 1" width="640" height="366" srcset="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-aspect-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Scene_-A-neon-lit-futuristic-sushi-bar-filled-with-awkwardly-seated-businessmen-in-sharp-su.-bohiney.com-1-1024x585.jpg 1024w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-aspect-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Scene_-A-neon-lit-futuristic-sushi-bar-filled-with-awkwardly-seated-businessmen-in-sharp-su.-bohiney.com-1-300x171.jpg 300w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-aspect-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Scene_-A-neon-lit-futuristic-sushi-bar-filled-with-awkwardly-seated-businessmen-in-sharp-su.-bohiney.com-1-768x439.jpg 768w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-aspect-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Scene_-A-neon-lit-futuristic-sushi-bar-filled-with-awkwardly-seated-businessmen-in-sharp-su.-bohiney.com-1-1536x878.jpg 1536w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-aspect-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Scene_-A-neon-lit-futuristic-sushi-bar-filled-with-awkwardly-seated-businessmen-in-sharp-su.-bohiney.com-1.jpg 1792w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px" /></a><figcaption id="caption-attachment-10823" class="wp-caption-text">BOHINEY NEWS &#8211; A wide-aspect satirical cartoon in the style of Bohiney Magazine. Scene A neon-lit futuristic sushi bar filled with awkwardly seated businessmen in sharp su&#8230; &#8211; bohiney.com 1</figcaption></figure>
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  482. </div>
  483. </article>
  484. <p>The post <a href="https://bohiney.com/sam-altmans-firing/">Sam Altman’s Firing</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bohiney.com">Bohiney News</a>.</p>
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  490. </item>
  491. <item>
  492. <title>China’s Galactic Ambitions</title>
  493. <link>https://bohiney.com/chinas-galactic-ambitions/</link>
  495. <dc:creator><![CDATA[Alan Nafzger]]></dc:creator>
  496. <pubDate>Tue, 01 Apr 2025 18:15:40 +0000</pubDate>
  497. <category><![CDATA[International]]></category>
  498. <category><![CDATA[Science]]></category>
  499. <category><![CDATA[asteroid mining humor]]></category>
  500. <category><![CDATA[Belt and Road Jupiter]]></category>
  501. <category><![CDATA[China space program]]></category>
  502. <category><![CDATA[Chinese rover comedy]]></category>
  503. <category><![CDATA[CNSA space calendar]]></category>
  504. <category><![CDATA[communist galaxy]]></category>
  505. <category><![CDATA[Jupiter space probe]]></category>
  506. <category><![CDATA[lunar mission satire]]></category>
  507. <category><![CDATA[Mars sample return]]></category>
  508. <category><![CDATA[Martian dust]]></category>
  509. <category><![CDATA[Moon condo]]></category>
  510. <category><![CDATA[Red Planet real estate]]></category>
  511. <category><![CDATA[satellite nonsense]]></category>
  512. <category><![CDATA[space tourism parody]]></category>
  513. <category><![CDATA[TikTok in space]]></category>
  514. <guid isPermaLink="false">https://bohiney.com/?p=10812</guid>
  515.  
  516. <description><![CDATA[<p>China’s Galactic Ambitions Include Moon McMansions, Martian Dirt Imports, and a Jupiterian HOA Bohiney.com Exclusive...</p>
  517. <p>The post <a href="https://bohiney.com/chinas-galactic-ambitions/">China’s Galactic Ambitions</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bohiney.com">Bohiney News</a>.</p>
  518. ]]></description>
  519. <content:encoded><![CDATA[<div dir="auto" data-message-author-role="assistant" data-message-id="1ce4045f-0a5a-4409-afce-414a35086456" data-message-model-slug="gpt-4o">
  520. <div>
  521. <div>
  522. <h2 data-start="2605" data-end="2783">China’s Galactic Ambitions Include Moon McMansions, Martian Dirt Imports, and a Jupiterian HOA</h2>
  523. </div>
  524. </div>
  525. </div>
  526. <div class="min-h-8 text-message relative flex w-full flex-col items-end gap-2 whitespace-normal break-words text-start [.text-message+&amp;]:mt-5" dir="auto" data-message-author-role="assistant" data-message-id="87442e74-e54a-4c7f-8de1-ac1241db9284" data-message-model-slug="gpt-4o">
  527. <div class="flex w-full flex-col gap-1 empty:hidden first:pt-[3px]">
  528. <div class="markdown prose w-full break-words dark:prose-invert light">
  529. <h3 data-start="166" data-end="294"><strong data-start="267" data-end="292">Bohiney.com Exclusive</strong></h3>
  530. <p class="" data-start="296" data-end="657"><em data-start="296" data-end="306">BEIJING—</em> After decades of asking &#8220;What if we just put a giant <a href="https://bohiney.com/wine-not-the-athletes-guide-to-parisian-pubs/">red</a> flag on every celestial body?&#8221; <a href="https://bohiney.com/chinas-revolutionary-romance/">China</a> has officially announced a full calendar of planetary missions that includes plans to mine asteroids, return Martian rocks, and maybe, just maybe, start a <a href="https://bohiney.com/these-billionaires-could-buy-tiktok/">TikTok</a> series from the dark side of the <a href="https://bohiney.com/nasa-discovers-a-strange-object-on-the-moon/">Moon</a> titled <strong data-start="608" data-end="657">“Lunar Influencers: <a href="https://bohiney.com/the-future-of-nfl-and-netflix/">Zero Gravity</a>, All Drama.”</strong></p>
  531. <p class="" data-start="659" data-end="1059">The Chinese National Space Administration (CNSA) confirmed the launch dates with the bureaucratic enthusiasm of a DMV manager announcing a new color of laminated license plates. But what lies beneath these meticulously scheduled missions is a <a href="https://bohiney.com/scientists-develop-ai-that-can-write-better-excuses-for-missing-work/">comedy</a> of cosmic proportions—full of overblown ambitions, intergalactic <a href="https://bohiney.com/taylor-swift-redefining-property-ownership-one-mansion-at-a-time/">real estate</a> schemes, and enough Martian dust to justify banning Swiffers across Asia.</p>
  532. <hr class="" data-start="1061" data-end="1064" />
  533. <h2 class="" data-start="1066" data-end="1118"><strong data-start="1069" data-end="1118">A Lunar Calendar with Chinese Characteristics</strong></h2>
  534. <p class="" data-start="1120" data-end="1431">Let’s start with the Moon mission set for 2026. The stated goal? &#8220;In-situ resource utilization.&#8221; The real goal? Building Moon condos with granite countertops and zero HOAs. According to one CNSA architect, “We’re designing the first lunar AirBnB where every guest gets a free packet of freeze-dried duck sauce.”</p>
  535. <p class="" data-start="1433" data-end="1665">Funny enough, leaked Weibo messages between Chinese officials and <a href="https://bohiney.com/photos-elon-musk-and-ashley-st-clair/">Elon Musk</a> show China racing to stake a claim at the Moon’s South Pole, reportedly because Musk “already colonized the North Pole for Tesla’s new line of snowplows.”</p>
  536. <p class="" data-start="1667" data-end="1846">Meanwhile, local Chinese real estate developers are already selling lunar timeshares with slogans like <em data-start="1770" data-end="1795">“Buy now, orbit later!”</em> and <em data-start="1800" data-end="1846">“Lunar Views Without the Earthly Pollution.”</em></p>
  537. <hr class="" data-start="1848" data-end="1851" />
  538. <h2 class="" data-start="1853" data-end="1888"><strong data-start="1856" data-end="1888">Martian Soil, Martian Spoils</strong></h2>
  539. <p class="" data-start="1890" data-end="2100">Then there’s the big one: China’s <a href="https://bohiney.com/elon-musks-brain/">Mars</a> sample-return mission. The goal? Collect some rocks and bring them back. Why? Because Earth doesn’t have enough mysterious red dust to clog your vacuum filter, that’s why.</p>
  540. <p class="" data-start="2102" data-end="2240">“I just want to hold Mars in my hand,” said a Chinese teenager on Douyin, who thought the sample return was a new skincare product line.</p>
  541. <p class="" data-start="2242" data-end="2288">CNSA’s <a href="https://bohiney.com/anne-marshall-resigns-in-defeat/">PowerPoint</a> included bullet points like:</p>
  542. <ul data-start="2289" data-end="2430">
  543. <li class="" data-start="2289" data-end="2340">
  544. <p class="" data-start="2291" data-end="2340"><em data-start="2291" data-end="2340">‘Martian Rock Potential: Decorative Garden Use’</em></p>
  545. </li>
  546. <li class="" data-start="2341" data-end="2391">
  547. <p class="" data-start="2343" data-end="2391"><em data-start="2343" data-end="2391">‘Could Be Meteorites, Could Be Communist Gold’</em></p>
  548. </li>
  549. <li class="" data-start="2392" data-end="2430">
  550. <p class="" data-start="2394" data-end="2430"><em data-start="2394" data-end="2430">‘Great for Throwing at Dissidents’</em></p>
  551. </li>
  552. </ul>
  553. <p class="" data-start="2432" data-end="2693">In a twist, Chinese customs officials are already concerned that Martian dirt may be taxed as a foreign import. “We don&#8217;t have a tariff category for rocks from other planets,” explained Zhang Wei, Deputy Head of Cosmic <a href="https://bohiney.com/hockey-bet-between-trump-and-trudeau/">Trade</a>. “We may classify it as a souvenir.”</p>
  554. <hr class="" data-start="2695" data-end="2698" />
  555. <h2 class="" data-start="2700" data-end="2750"><strong data-start="2703" data-end="2750">The Asteroid Belt: China’s New Supply Chain</strong></h2>
  556. <p class="" data-start="2752" data-end="2968">Asteroid exploration is also on the schedule. Apparently, China’s industrial planners read one too many BuzzFeed articles about <a href="https://bohiney.com/zelenskyy-never-planned-to-sign-peace-plan/">rare minerals</a> and thought, <em data-start="2907" data-end="2968">“Why mine Earth when you can just annex the asteroid belt?”</em></p>
  557. <p class="" data-start="2970" data-end="3173">They’ve named the initiative “Operation Cosmic Pickaxe,” and early test drills on simulated asteroids in Inner <a href="https://bohiney.com/mongolia-offers-red-carpet-for-putin/">Mongolia</a> resulted in four broken drills and one robot declaring its loyalty to the asteroid.</p>
  558. <p class="" data-start="3175" data-end="3372">But make no mistake: China intends to dominate galactic supply chains. Just last month, state-run <a href="https://bohiney.com/trump-2-0-the-art-of-the-steal/">media</a> announced a new five-year plan titled <em data-start="3317" data-end="3372">“Total Asteroid Extraction, Minimal Alien <a href="https://bohiney.com/tulsi-gabbard/">Diplomacy</a>.”</em></p>
  559. <p class="" data-start="3374" data-end="3462">In fact, the Belt and Road Initiative now includes actual belts. Saturn’s, specifically.</p>
  560. <hr class="" data-start="3464" data-end="3467" />
  561. <h2 class="" data-start="3469" data-end="3514"><strong data-start="3472" data-end="3514">Jupiter: Now With 100% More Patriotism</strong></h2>
  562. <p class="" data-start="3516" data-end="3696">China’s plan to launch a <a href="https://bohiney.com/astroforge-is-lost-in-space/">deep space</a> mission to Jupiter by 2030 has puzzled <a href="https://bohiney.com/santorini-the-new-hookup-hotspot/">scientists</a>, astronomers, and one elderly man in Guangzhou who thought Jupiter was a brand of rice cooker.</p>
  563. <p class="" data-start="3698" data-end="3853">The stated goal? “To observe Jupiter’s magnetosphere.” The real goal? To say they did it before <a href="https://bohiney.com/astronomers-seek-global-ban-on-space-advertising/">NASA</a> could. This is geopolitical space spite at its finest.</p>
  564. <p class="" data-start="3855" data-end="3996"><a href="https://bohiney.com/tech-entrepreneur-trapped-in-circling-self-driving-car/">Ron White</a> explains it best: <em data-start="3883" data-end="3996">“China’s goin’ to Jupiter. Meanwhile, my uncle thinks ‘Magnetosphere’ is a new strip club opening near <a href="https://bohiney.com/ceo-admits-companys-long-term-strategy-just-a-series-of-buzzwords/">Dallas</a>.”</em></p>
  565. <p class="" data-start="3998" data-end="4211">Recent internal memos suggest the mission may also include a patriotic gesture: a 200-foot holographic projection of President <a href="https://bohiney.com/chinas-psychiatric-breakthrough/">Xi Jinping</a> smiling from Jupiter’s orbit with the caption: <em data-start="4183" data-end="4211">“Enjoy <a href="https://bohiney.com/elon-musks-fight-with-starmer/">Socialism</a>, Losers.”</em></p>
  566. <hr class="" data-start="4213" data-end="4216" />
  567. <h2 class="" data-start="4218" data-end="4267"><strong data-start="4221" data-end="4267">Scientific Evidence or Satirical Accident?</strong></h2>
  568. <p class="" data-start="4269" data-end="4334">Let’s review the <strong data-start="4286" data-end="4311">scientific &#8220;evidence&#8221;</strong> behind these missions:</p>
  569. <h3 class="" data-start="4336" data-end="4366">1. <strong data-start="4343" data-end="4363">Digital Evidence</strong>:</h3>
  570. <p class="" data-start="4367" data-end="4578">A WeChat group named &#8220;Moon Hustlers&#8221; features screenshots of CNSA engineers asking, “Can we use <a href="https://bohiney.com/athena-moon-lander/">solar panels</a> to power noodle machines in zero <a href="https://bohiney.com/protester-falls-from-cliff-while-displaying-upside-down-american-flag-at-yosemite/">gravity</a>?” The group was promptly shut down for leaking state <a href="https://bohiney.com/can-america-finally-admit-the-truth/">secrets</a>.</p>
  571. <h3 class="" data-start="4580" data-end="4611">2. <strong data-start="4587" data-end="4608">Personal Evidence</strong>:</h3>
  572. <p class="" data-start="4612" data-end="4777">An anonymous intern at CNSA admitted on a <a href="https://bohiney.com/the-manosphere-is-the-mainstream/">dating</a> app that he was told, <em data-start="4683" data-end="4777">“You’re not getting a promotion until you design a water filtration system for alien urine.”</em></p>
  573. <h3 class="" data-start="4779" data-end="4810">3. <strong data-start="4786" data-end="4807">Physical Evidence</strong>:</h3>
  574. <p class="" data-start="4811" data-end="4984">At the Beijing Space Expo, a Martian sample return prototype was revealed to be a repainted rice cooker with a drone strapped to it. “It’s a metaphor,” the curator insisted.</p>
  575. <h3 class="" data-start="4986" data-end="5021">4. <strong data-start="4993" data-end="5018">Relationship Evidence</strong>:</h3>
  576. <p class="" data-start="5022" data-end="5280">China’s lunar mission is rumored to be co-developed with <a href="https://bohiney.com/putin-echoes-trumps-claim-that-conflict-in-ukraine-could-have-been-avoided/">Russia</a>, whose space engineers insisted on bringing a samovar and several crates of fermented beet juice. Relations soured when the samovar exploded mid-test, covering two engineers in symbolic borscht.</p>
  577. <hr class="" data-start="5282" data-end="5285" />
  578. <h2 class="" data-start="5287" data-end="5328"><strong data-start="5290" data-end="5328">Expert Opinions (of Dubious Value)</strong></h2>
  579. <p class="" data-start="5330" data-end="5378">We spoke to several <em data-start="5350" data-end="5359">experts</em> to get their take.</p>
  580. <p class="" data-start="5380" data-end="5548"><strong data-start="5380" data-end="5402">Dr. Linda Rockwell</strong>, planetary geologist: “Bringing Martian soil back makes sense—if your goal is to sprinkle it on cupcakes and claim you’ve reinvented Red Velvet.”</p>
  581. <p class="" data-start="5550" data-end="5715"><strong data-start="5550" data-end="5576"><a href="https://bohiney.com/area-cow-declared-professor-at-msu-after-winning-popularity-contest/">Professor</a> Duan Meiying</strong>, aerospace analyst: “This is about global prestige. If China can build a Moon base before <a href="https://bohiney.com/europe-unanimously-agrees/">America</a> builds a functional <a href="https://bohiney.com/remote-voting-for-moms-in-congress/">Congress</a>, they win.”</p>
  582. <p class="" data-start="5717" data-end="5871"><strong data-start="5717" data-end="5738">Dr. Chad Moonbeam</strong>, NASA engineer turned DJ: “Dude, honestly, I’m just glad someone’s going to Jupiter. The music festivals there are gonna be insane.”</p>
  583. <hr class="" data-start="5873" data-end="5876" />
  584. <h2 class="" data-start="5878" data-end="5904"><strong data-start="5881" data-end="5904">Eyewitness Accounts</strong></h2>
  585. <p class="" data-start="5906" data-end="6138">A rural farmer in Henan province swore he saw a practice rocket launch from his backyard. “It went up, then turned sideways, then exploded near a goat,” he said. “The goat is fine, but now insists on being addressed as ‘Commander.’”</p>
  586. <hr class="" data-start="6140" data-end="6143" />
  587. <h2 class="" data-start="6145" data-end="6209"><strong data-start="6148" data-end="6209">Public Opinion Poll: Are You Ready for a Lunar Timeshare?</strong></h2>
  588. <p class="" data-start="6211" data-end="6333">We conducted a poll of 2,000 people in Beijing, L.A., and a <a href="https://bohiney.com/hooters-bankruptcy/">Hooters</a> in Tampa. When asked about China’s planetary missions:</p>
  589. <ul data-start="6335" data-end="6592">
  590. <li class="" data-start="6335" data-end="6393">
  591. <p class="" data-start="6337" data-end="6393">48% said, <em data-start="6347" data-end="6391">“Sounds cool, but does it come with WiFi?”</em></p>
  592. </li>
  593. <li class="" data-start="6394" data-end="6450">
  594. <p class="" data-start="6396" data-end="6450">32% asked, <em data-start="6407" data-end="6448">“Will this raise the <a href="https://bohiney.com/gen-z-and-millennials-have-redefined-sustainable/">price</a> of iPhones?”</em></p>
  595. </li>
  596. <li class="" data-start="6451" data-end="6547">
  597. <p class="" data-start="6453" data-end="6547">14% responded, <em data-start="6468" data-end="6545">“I don’t trust any plan that includes ‘resource utilization’ and the Moon.”</em></p>
  598. </li>
  599. <li class="" data-start="6548" data-end="6592">
  600. <p class="" data-start="6550" data-end="6592">6% thought “Jupiter” was a new K-pop band.</p>
  601. </li>
  602. </ul>
  603. <hr class="" data-start="6594" data-end="6597" />
  604. <h2 class="" data-start="6599" data-end="6661"><strong data-start="6602" data-end="6661">Analogy and Deduction: Why This is Just Space Las Vegas</strong></h2>
  605. <p class="" data-start="6663" data-end="6862">Let’s break it down logically. When a <a href="https://bohiney.com/ai-now-generating-laws-congress-declares-itself-non-essential/">government</a> says, <em data-start="6718" data-end="6759">“We’re just visiting Mars for <a href="https://bohiney.com/science-behind-how-alcohol-affects-your-health/">science</a>,”</em> it’s like a college kid telling their parents, <em data-start="6807" data-end="6860">“I’m just going to Cancun to study marine biology.”</em></p>
  606. <p class="" data-start="6864" data-end="6993">Mars is the new Vegas. You go there to lose money, gamble with <a href="https://bohiney.com/people-who-say-im-not-a-robot-might-actually-be-robots/">robots</a>, and maybe bring home something exotic and regret-inducing.</p>
  607. <p class="" data-start="6995" data-end="7095">Asteroid belts? That’s the strip mall of space. No culture, just mineral deposits and broken dreams.</p>
  608. <p class="" data-start="7097" data-end="7259">And Jupiter? That’s the distant cousin you invite to Thanksgiving to feel morally superior when he shows up wearing sunglasses indoors and selling <a href="https://bohiney.com/2-88-trillion-shiba-inu-tokens-suddenly-vanished/">cryptocurrency</a>.</p>
  609. <hr class="" data-start="7261" data-end="7264" />
  610. <h2 class="" data-start="7266" data-end="7305"><strong data-start="7269" data-end="7305">What the Funny People Are Saying</strong></h2>
  611. <p class="" data-start="7307" data-end="7437"><em data-start="7307" data-end="7416">&#8220;I don’t mind China going to Mars, but I do want to know—do they plan to bring their spam texts with them?&#8221;</em> — <strong data-start="7419" data-end="7437"><a href="https://bohiney.com/amsterdam-comedy-club-cancels-israeli-stand-up/">Dave Chappelle</a></strong></p>
  612. <p class="" data-start="7439" data-end="7552"><em data-start="7439" data-end="7531">&#8220;They’re building on the Moon. Meanwhile, my landlord can’t even fix my hot water heater.&#8221;</em> — <strong data-start="7534" data-end="7552"><a href="https://bohiney.com/hoda-and-jenna/">Jerry Seinfeld</a></strong></p>
  613. <p class="" data-start="7554" data-end="7687"><em data-start="7554" data-end="7670">&#8220;You ever notice all these countries going to space? It&#8217;s like they just found out the planet’s warranty expired.&#8221;</em> — <strong data-start="7673" data-end="7687"><a href="https://bohiney.com/optimism-of-new-york-jet-fans/">Chris Rock</a></strong></p>
  614. <p class="" data-start="7689" data-end="7788"><em data-start="7689" data-end="7770">&#8220;I’d go to Jupiter too, just to get away from Facebook’s terms and conditions.&#8221;</em> — <strong data-start="7773" data-end="7788"><a href="https://bohiney.com/scientists-discover-coffee-actually-wakes-you-up/">Amy Schumer</a></strong></p>
  615. <p class="" data-start="7790" data-end="7899"><em data-start="7790" data-end="7883">&#8220;I asked Siri about China’s space program. She just sighed and said, ‘Let them have this.’&#8221;</em> — <strong data-start="7886" data-end="7899">Ron White</strong></p>
  616. <hr class="" data-start="7901" data-end="7904" />
  617. <h2 class="" data-start="7906" data-end="7959"><strong data-start="7909" data-end="7959">Satirical Helpful Content for SpinTaxi Readers</strong></h2>
  618. <p class="" data-start="7961" data-end="8027"><strong data-start="7961" data-end="8027">How to Prepare for China’s Space Takeover (A Practical Guide):</strong></p>
  619. <ul data-start="8029" data-end="8697">
  620. <li class="" data-start="8029" data-end="8190">
  621. <p class="" data-start="8031" data-end="8190"><strong data-start="8031" data-end="8052">Install Lunar VPN</strong>: China’s Moon base may have its own <a href="https://bohiney.com/welcome-to-the-internets-echo-chamber/">internet</a> firewall. You don’t want to get stuck with dial-up speeds during your galactic Zoom <a href="https://bohiney.com/putin-says-hes-ready-to-meet-trump-to-talk-calmly/">meeting</a>.</p>
  622. </li>
  623. <li class="" data-start="8192" data-end="8339">
  624. <p class="" data-start="8194" data-end="8339"><strong data-start="8194" data-end="8237">Learn Mandarin, Martian, and Jupiterese</strong>: Communicate effectively with new space neighbors and Chinese customs agents armed with gravity guns.</p>
  625. </li>
  626. <li class="" data-start="8341" data-end="8450">
  627. <p class="" data-start="8343" data-end="8450"><strong data-start="8343" data-end="8371">Invest in Moon Dust ETFs</strong>: Diversify your portfolio before the next big crash—possibly into an asteroid.</p>
  628. </li>
  629. <li class="" data-start="8452" data-end="8583">
  630. <p class="" data-start="8454" data-end="8583"><strong data-start="8454" data-end="8497">Rebrand Your Dog as a “Space Companion”</strong>: NASA may not care, but China offers subsidies for pets with potential TikTok appeal.</p>
  631. </li>
  632. <li class="" data-start="8585" data-end="8697">
  633. <p class="" data-start="8587" data-end="8697"><strong data-start="8587" data-end="8628">Build Your Own Mars Sample Return Kit</strong>: All you need is a drone, a strong magnet, and a lot of blind faith.</p>
  634. </li>
  635. </ul>
  636. <hr class="" data-start="8699" data-end="8702" />
  637. <h2 class="" data-start="8704" data-end="8746"><strong data-start="8707" data-end="8746">A Future Full of Flags and Futility</strong></h2>
  638. <p class="" data-start="8748" data-end="8918">Make no mistake: China’s plan is not about science. It’s about symbolism, selfie ops, and sending a message to the cosmos: <em data-start="8871" data-end="8918">“We brought <a href="https://bohiney.com/pope-francis-hospitalized/">communism</a> to the Moon, now what?”</em></p>
  639. <p class="" data-start="8920" data-end="9212">They aren’t alone. The U.S. plans to return to the Moon by 2026, assuming Congress doesn’t shut down because someone microwaved fish in the break room. <a href="https://bohiney.com/doubling-the-tiger-population-doubling-the-fatalities/">India</a> has plans for Venus. Russia still insists its space program is fine, despite launching a potato into orbit and calling it a satellite.</p>
  640. <p class="" data-start="9214" data-end="9421">But China, with its lunar vision board and Martian dust dreams, may lead the way—if only because it’s the only country still willing to spend trillions to build the universe’s first zero-gravity karaoke bar.</p>
  641. <hr class="" data-start="9423" data-end="9426" />
  642. <h2 class="" data-start="9428" data-end="9481"><strong data-start="9431" data-end="9481">Final Thoughts from the Earthly Peanut Gallery</strong></h2>
  643. <p class="" data-start="9483" data-end="9637">What will happen when China finally lands on Mars? Probably an awkward press conference, some state <a href="https://bohiney.com/early-draft-of-donald-trumps-second-inaugural-address/">media coverage</a>, and a TikTok video of a rover dabbing.</p>
  644. <p class="" data-start="9639" data-end="9784">What will they bring back? Mostly rocks, some dust, and an existential reminder that even in space, humanity’s greatest invention is <a href="https://bohiney.com/chicagos-deportation-drama/">bureaucracy</a>.</p>
  645. <p class="" data-start="9786" data-end="9853">The final word? Let’s hope the <a href="https://bohiney.com/do-aliens-exist/">aliens</a> are more amused than annoyed.</p>
  646. <hr class="" data-start="9855" data-end="9858" />
  647. <h2 class="" data-start="9860" data-end="9885"><strong data-start="9863" data-end="9883">Disclaimer</strong></h2>
  648. <p class="" data-start="9886" data-end="10242"><em>This article is a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings—the world’s oldest tenured professor and a 20-year-old philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No <a href="https://bohiney.com/self-driving-cars-demand-union-rights-threaten-to-strike/">AI</a> was harmed, consulted, or blamed in the making of this interplanetary nonsense. Any resemblance to real science is purely accidental and deeply regretted by actual scientists everywhere.</em></p>
  649. <hr class="" data-start="10244" data-end="10247" />
  650. <hr />
  651. <figure id="attachment_10814" aria-describedby="caption-attachment-10814" style="width: 640px" class="wp-caption aligncenter"><a href="https://bohiney.com/" rel="attachment wp-att-10814"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" class="wp-image-10814 size-large" title="BOHINEY NEWS - A wide-aspect satirical cartoon in the style of Bohiney Magazine. Scene Outer space filled with absurd real estate developments under a banner reading 'Chin... - bohiney.com 2" src="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-aspect-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Scene_-Outer-space-filled-with-absurd-real-estate-developments-under-a-banner-reading-Chin.-bohiney.com-2-1024x585.jpg" alt="BOHINEY NEWS - A wide-aspect satirical cartoon in the style of Bohiney Magazine. Scene Outer space filled with absurd real estate developments under a banner reading 'Chin... - bohiney.com 2" width="640" height="366" srcset="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-aspect-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Scene_-Outer-space-filled-with-absurd-real-estate-developments-under-a-banner-reading-Chin.-bohiney.com-2-1024x585.jpg 1024w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-aspect-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Scene_-Outer-space-filled-with-absurd-real-estate-developments-under-a-banner-reading-Chin.-bohiney.com-2-300x171.jpg 300w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-aspect-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Scene_-Outer-space-filled-with-absurd-real-estate-developments-under-a-banner-reading-Chin.-bohiney.com-2-768x439.jpg 768w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-aspect-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Scene_-Outer-space-filled-with-absurd-real-estate-developments-under-a-banner-reading-Chin.-bohiney.com-2-1536x878.jpg 1536w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-aspect-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Scene_-Outer-space-filled-with-absurd-real-estate-developments-under-a-banner-reading-Chin.-bohiney.com-2.jpg 1792w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px" /></a><figcaption id="caption-attachment-10814" class="wp-caption-text"><a href="https://bohiney.com/bohiney-meaning/">BOHINEY</a> <a href="https://bohiney.com/david-muirs-narcissistic-fashion-moves-while-covering-la-wildfires/">NEWS</a> &#8211; A wide-aspect satirical cartoon in the style of Bohiney Magazine. Scene Outer space filled with absurd real estate developments under a <a href="https://bohiney.com/how-can-something-be-ngo-if-the-government-is-paying/">banner</a> reading &#8216;Chin&#8230; &#8211; <a href="http://Bohiney.com" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">bohiney.com</a> </figcaption></figure>
  652. <h2 data-start="0" data-end="143"><strong data-start="16" data-end="143">China Sets Dates for Space Missions: Moon Menus, Martian Real Estate, and the Search for Intergalactic TikTok Influencers</strong></h2>
  653. <h3 data-start="145" data-end="297"><strong data-start="145" data-end="209">15 Observations Inspired by China&#8217;s Space Ambitions</strong></h3>
  654. <hr class="" data-start="299" data-end="302" />
  655. <h3 class="" data-start="304" data-end="422">1. China finally sets mission dates—because nothing inspires national confidence like a calendar invite to Uranus.</h3>
  656. <p class="" data-start="423" data-end="505"><em data-start="423" data-end="505">&#8220;We’re not saying it’s a <a href="https://bohiney.com/who-will-build-the-first-moon-outpost/">space race</a>, but China just RSVP’d to the solar system.&#8221;</em></p>
  657. <hr class="" data-start="507" data-end="510" />
  658. <h3 class="" data-start="512" data-end="639">2. The lunar mission is scheduled for 2026, or as China calls it, “The Year of the Moon Landing 2: Communist Boogaloo.”</h3>
  659. <hr class="" data-start="641" data-end="644" />
  660. <h3 class="" data-start="646" data-end="792">3. China’s first Mars sample-return mission aims to bring Martian rocks back to Earth… so we can finally blame Beijing for red dust allergies.</h3>
  661. <hr class="" data-start="794" data-end="797" />
  662. <h3 class="" data-start="799" data-end="952">4. Seinfeld voice: <em data-start="822" data-end="952">“What’s the deal with all these sample-return missions? I don’t send takeout back to China, why are we bringing Mars dust here?”</em></h3>
  663. <hr class="" data-start="954" data-end="957" />
  664. <h3 class="" data-start="959" data-end="1110">5. China plans to land near the Moon’s south pole. Because, let’s be honest, real estate in the north pole is already owned by Elon Musk’s dog.</h3>
  665. <hr class="" data-start="1112" data-end="1115" />
  666. <h3 class="" data-start="1117" data-end="1271">6. The goal is “scientific discovery,” but rumor has it they’re just trying to beat Jeff Bezos to the Moon and build the first lunar Amazon warehouse.</h3>
  667. <hr class="" data-start="1273" data-end="1276" />
  668. <h3 class="" data-start="1278" data-end="1431">7. China’s mission to Jupiter won’t launch until 2030, giving scientists just enough time to explain that Jupiter is 90% gas, just like politics.</h3>
  669. <hr class="" data-start="1433" data-end="1436" />
  670. <h3 class="" data-start="1438" data-end="1616">8. They’re targeting the asteroid belt for exploration. Which makes sense—after colonizing Earth, the next logical step is space mining and interplanetary gentrification.</h3>
  671. <hr class="" data-start="1618" data-end="1621" />
  672. <h3 class="" data-start="1623" data-end="1764">9. The Mars mission will drill into ancient terrain. In other words, China’s bringing fracking to the solar system. Texas is furious.</h3>
  673. <hr class="" data-start="1766" data-end="1769" />
  674. <h3 class="" data-start="1771" data-end="1915">10. Officials said they hope to “make humanity proud.” That’s a bold promise for a country that just banned Barbie, Bitcoin, and bubble tea.</h3>
  675. <hr class="" data-start="1917" data-end="1920" />
  676. <h3 class="" data-start="1922" data-end="2072">11. Ron White voice: <em data-start="1947" data-end="2072">“China’s goin’ to Mars, y’all. Meanwhile, my cousin still can’t get his WiFi to work unless he holds a spatula to the sky.”</em></h3>
  677. <hr class="" data-start="2074" data-end="2077" />
  678. <h3 class="" data-start="2079" data-end="2251">12. Their lunar lander will “test ISRU” (In-Situ Resource Utilization). Which means they’re going to see if Moon dust can be turned into concrete or cryptocurrency.</h3>
  679. <hr class="" data-start="2253" data-end="2256" />
  680. <h3 class="" data-start="2258" data-end="2417">13. Seinfeld: <em data-start="2276" data-end="2417">“You ever notice how every country going to space claims it’s for science? But no one ever comes back with anything but&#8230; more questions?”</em></h3>
  681. <hr class="" data-start="2419" data-end="2422" />
  682. <h3 class="" data-start="2424" data-end="2598">14. China’s space agency insists this isn’t a competition—but they scheduled their Mars mission two years before NASA’s… and posted it on WeChat with the caption “FIRST!”</h3>
  683. <hr class="" data-start="2600" data-end="2603" />
  684. <h3 class="" data-start="2605" data-end="2783">15. And finally, China aims to have a deep-space probe headed beyond Jupiter by 2030. By 2040, it’ll be ghosted by alien civilizations who never agreed to the group chat.</h3>
  685. </div>
  686. </div>
  687. </div>
  688. <p>The post <a href="https://bohiney.com/chinas-galactic-ambitions/">China’s Galactic Ambitions</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bohiney.com">Bohiney News</a>.</p>
  689. ]]></content:encoded>
  693. <media:content url="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-aspect-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Scene_-Outer-space-filled-with-absurd-real-estate-developments-under-a-banner-reading-Chin.-bohiney.com-1.jpg" medium="image"></media:content>
  694. </item>
  695. <item>
  696. <title>Who Runs Columbia University?</title>
  697. <link>https://bohiney.com/who-runs-columbia-university/</link>
  699. <dc:creator><![CDATA[Alan Nafzger]]></dc:creator>
  700. <pubDate>Tue, 01 Apr 2025 12:04:29 +0000</pubDate>
  701. <category><![CDATA[News]]></category>
  702. <guid isPermaLink="false">https://bohiney.com/?p=10804</guid>
  703.  
  704. <description><![CDATA[<p>Who Runs Columbia University? An Investigation In the hallowed halls of Columbia University, where ivy...</p>
  705. <p>The post <a href="https://bohiney.com/who-runs-columbia-university/">Who Runs Columbia University?</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bohiney.com">Bohiney News</a>.</p>
  706. ]]></description>
  707. <content:encoded><![CDATA[<article class="w-full text-token-text-primary" dir="auto" data-testid="conversation-turn-2" data-scroll-anchor="false">
  708. <div class="text-base my-auto mx-auto py-5 px-6">
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  710. <div class="group/conversation-turn relative flex w-full min-w-0 flex-col agent-turn @xs/thread:px-0 @sm/thread:px-1.5 @md/thread:px-4">
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  712. <div class="flex max-w-full flex-col flex-grow">
  713. <div class="min-h-8 text-message relative flex w-full flex-col items-end gap-2 whitespace-normal break-words text-start [.text-message+&amp;]:mt-5" dir="auto" data-message-author-role="assistant" data-message-id="13b97790-b1b7-410d-94ee-3a56b9c85ade" data-message-model-slug="gpt-4o"></div>
  714. </div>
  715. </div>
  716. </div>
  717. </div>
  718. </div>
  719. </article>
  720. <article class="w-full text-token-text-primary" dir="auto" data-testid="conversation-turn-4" data-scroll-anchor="false">
  721. <div class="text-base my-auto mx-auto py-5 px-6">
  722. <div class="mx-auto flex flex-1 text-base gap-4 md:gap-5 lg:gap-6 md:max-w-3xl lg:max-w-[40rem] xl:max-w-[48rem] group/turn-messages focus-visible:outline-none" tabindex="-1">
  723. <div class="group/conversation-turn relative flex w-full min-w-0 flex-col agent-turn @xs/thread:px-0 @sm/thread:px-1.5 @md/thread:px-4">
  724. <div class="relative flex-col gap-1 md:gap-3">
  725. <div class="flex max-w-full flex-col flex-grow">
  726. <div class="min-h-8 text-message relative flex w-full flex-col items-end gap-2 whitespace-normal break-words text-start [.text-message+&amp;]:mt-5" dir="auto" data-message-author-role="assistant" data-message-id="d4d98999-3109-4ab9-9c0f-833787b71044" data-message-model-slug="gpt-4o">
  727. <div class="flex w-full flex-col gap-1 empty:hidden first:pt-[3px]">
  728. <div class="markdown prose w-full break-words dark:prose-invert light">
  729. <h2 data-start="0" data-end="59"><strong data-start="0" data-end="59">Who Runs Columbia University? An Investigation</strong></h2>
  730. <p class="" data-start="79" data-end="491">In the hallowed halls of <a href="https://bohiney.com/the-columbia-library-liberation/">Columbia University</a>, where ivy clings to the walls as tenaciously as students cling to their coffee cups during finals, a new question has emerged: Who&#8217;s really in charge here? Is it the esteemed faculty, the diligent administrators, or, as some satirical reports suggest, organizations like <a href="https://bohiney.com/hamas-officially-declared-a-cowardly-organization/">Hamas</a> and <a href="https://bohiney.com/how-hezbollahs-retro-pager-trend-ended-with-a-bang/">Hezbollah</a>? Let&#8217;s embark on a tongue-in-cheek journey to unravel this academic enigma.</p>
  731. <h3 class="" data-start="493" data-end="541">The Campus Takeover: From Lectures to Levant</h3>
  732. <p class="" data-start="543" data-end="839">Once upon a time, Columbia was renowned for its rigorous academics and vibrant student life. But according to our satirical sources, things took a turn when international organizations decided that influencing <a href="https://bohiney.com/assassination-of-ismail-haniyeh/">Middle Eastern politics</a> wasn&#8217;t enough—they needed to weigh in on Ivy League curricula.</p>
  733. <p class="" data-start="841" data-end="881"><strong data-start="841" data-end="881"><a href="https://bohiney.com/new-study-reveals-that-100-of-studies-are-overanalyzed/">Expert Opinions</a> from the <a href="https://bohiney.com/real-estate-developer-or-potus/">Middle East</a></strong></p>
  734. <p class="" data-start="883" data-end="1189">Dr. Ima Jokester, a fictional expert from the Institute of Satirical Studies, notes, &#8220;It&#8217;s only logical. After years of geopolitical strategizing, the next step for any organization is obviously to delve into university <a href="https://bohiney.com/experts-suggest-replacing-all-politicians-with-houseplants/">governance</a>. Where else can you find such heated debates and passionate disagreements?&#8221;</p>
  735. <h3 class="" data-start="1191" data-end="1254">The Great Distraction: Trading Conflict for Campus Policies</h3>
  736. <p class="" data-start="1256" data-end="1567">In a surprising twist, these organizations have allegedly become so engrossed in shaping Columbia&#8217;s policies that they&#8217;ve momentarily paused their other activities. Our satirical investigation reveals that drafting university bylaws and attending faculty <a href="https://bohiney.com/scientists-confirm-the-more-meetings-the-less-work-gets-done/">meetings</a> have taken precedence over their usual agendas.</p>
  737. <p class="" data-start="1569" data-end="1640"><strong data-start="1569" data-end="1640">Changes Within the Organizations: MTGA (Make Terrorism Great Again)</strong></p>
  738. <p class="" data-start="1642" data-end="1932">In response to their newfound academic interests, there&#8217;s talk of <a href="https://bohiney.com/gulf-of-america/">rebranding</a> efforts. The proposed MTGA movement aims to shift focus from international conflicts to more pressing issues like tenure disputes and cafeteria food quality. It&#8217;s a bold strategy, Cotton; let&#8217;s see if it pays off.</p>
  739. <h3 class="" data-start="1934" data-end="1986">Columbia&#8217;s Return to Academia: A Glimmer of Hope</h3>
  740. <p class="" data-start="1988" data-end="2274">With these organizations knee-deep in academic <a href="https://bohiney.com/scotus-declares-proof-of-citizenship-required-for-proof-of-citizenship/">bureaucracy</a>, Columbia might just have the chance to return to its roots as a place of learning and intellectual exploration. Students can look forward to a campus where the most heated debates are over which library is the best study spot.</p>
  741. <p class="" data-start="2276" data-end="2310"><strong data-start="2276" data-end="2310">Student Reactions: A Mixed Bag</strong></p>
  742. <p class="" data-start="2312" data-end="2458">Freshman Jane Doe comments, &#8220;It&#8217;s refreshing! Now, instead of dodging <a href="https://bohiney.com/chicagos-deportation-drama/">protests</a>, I can focus on dodging my responsibilities like a normal student.&#8221;</p>
  743. <h3 class="" data-start="2460" data-end="2499">Conclusion: A New Era for Columbia?</h3>
  744. <p class="" data-start="2501" data-end="2802">As we conclude this satirical exposé, one thing is clear: the landscape of university governance is as unpredictable as ever. Whether or not these organizations truly have a say in Columbia&#8217;s affairs is up for <a href="https://bohiney.com/did-kamala-harris-trick-biden-into-early-debate/">debate</a>, but the mere notion provides ample fodder for campus <a href="https://bohiney.com/winter-storm/">comedians</a> and satirists alike.</p>
  745. <p class="" data-start="2804" data-end="3020"><em data-start="2804" data-end="3020"><strong>Disclaimer</strong>: This article is a work of <a href="https://bohiney.com/what-is-so-funny-about-bohiney/">satire</a> and in no way reflects the actual governance or affiliations of Columbia University. Any resemblance to real persons or entities is purely coincidental. <a href="https://bohiney.com/sex-in-the-olympic-village/">Auf Wiedersehen</a>!</em></p>
  746. <div class="absolute h-[60px]">
  747. <figure id="attachment_10806" aria-describedby="caption-attachment-10806" style="width: 640px" class="wp-caption aligncenter"><a href="https://bohiney.com/who-runs-columbia-university/bohiney-news-a-wide-aspect-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-bohiney-magazine-scene_-columbo-university-campus-in-academic-chaos-in-front-of-the-low-priority-library-bohiney-com-1/" rel="attachment wp-att-10806"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" class="size-large wp-image-10806" title="BOHINEY NEWS - A wide-aspect satirical cartoon in the style of Bohiney Magazine. Scene Columbo University campus in academic chaos. In front of the 'Low Priority Library,'... - bohiney.com 1" src="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-aspect-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Scene_-Columbo-University-campus-in-academic-chaos.-In-front-of-the-Low-Priority-Library.-bohiney.com-1-1024x585.jpg" alt="BOHINEY NEWS - A wide-aspect satirical cartoon in the style of Bohiney Magazine. Scene Columbo University campus in academic chaos. In front of the 'Low Priority Library,'... - bohiney.com 1" width="640" height="366" srcset="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-aspect-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Scene_-Columbo-University-campus-in-academic-chaos.-In-front-of-the-Low-Priority-Library.-bohiney.com-1-1024x585.jpg 1024w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-aspect-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Scene_-Columbo-University-campus-in-academic-chaos.-In-front-of-the-Low-Priority-Library.-bohiney.com-1-300x171.jpg 300w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-aspect-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Scene_-Columbo-University-campus-in-academic-chaos.-In-front-of-the-Low-Priority-Library.-bohiney.com-1-768x439.jpg 768w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-aspect-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Scene_-Columbo-University-campus-in-academic-chaos.-In-front-of-the-Low-Priority-Library.-bohiney.com-1-1536x878.jpg 1536w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-aspect-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Scene_-Columbo-University-campus-in-academic-chaos.-In-front-of-the-Low-Priority-Library.-bohiney.com-1.jpg 1792w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px" /></a><figcaption id="caption-attachment-10806" class="wp-caption-text"><a href="https://bohiney.com/bohiney-meaning/">BOHINEY</a> <a href="https://bohiney.com/david-muirs-narcissistic-fashion-moves-while-covering-la-wildfires/">NEWS</a> &#8211; A wide-aspect satirical cartoon in the style of Bohiney Magazine. Scene Columbo University campus in academic chaos. In front of the &#8216;Low Priority Library,&#8217;&#8230; &#8211; <a href="https://bohiney.com/romance-and-rivalry-at-the-paris-games/">bohiney.com</a> 1</figcaption></figure>
  748. </div>
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  758. <article class="w-full text-token-text-primary" dir="auto" data-testid="conversation-turn-6" data-scroll-anchor="false">
  759. <hr />
  760. <div class="text-base my-auto mx-auto py-5 px-6">
  761. <div class="mx-auto flex flex-1 text-base gap-4 md:gap-5 lg:gap-6 md:max-w-3xl lg:max-w-[40rem] xl:max-w-[48rem] group/turn-messages focus-visible:outline-none" tabindex="-1">
  762. <div class="group/conversation-turn relative flex w-full min-w-0 flex-col agent-turn @xs/thread:px-0 @sm/thread:px-1.5 @md/thread:px-4">
  763. <div class="relative flex-col gap-1 md:gap-3">
  764. <div class="flex max-w-full flex-col flex-grow">
  765. <div class="min-h-8 text-message relative flex w-full flex-col items-end gap-2 whitespace-normal break-words text-start [.text-message+&amp;]:mt-5" dir="auto" data-message-author-role="assistant" data-message-id="d8e98dae-e801-4660-87e2-e3f9534055dd" data-message-model-slug="gpt-4o">
  766. <div class="flex w-full flex-col gap-1 empty:hidden first:pt-[3px]">
  767. <div class="markdown prose w-full break-words dark:prose-invert light">
  768. <hr />
  769. <h2 data-start="0" data-end="36"><strong data-start="0" data-end="36">What the Funny People Are Saying</strong></h2>
  770. <p class="" data-start="38" data-end="165"><em data-start="38" data-end="142">&#8220;I heard Hamas and Hezbollah took over Columbia—finally, some structure in the Philosophy Department!&#8221;</em><br data-start="142" data-end="145" />— <strong data-start="147" data-end="165"><a href="https://bohiney.com/hoda-and-jenna/">Jerry Seinfeld</a></strong></p>
  771. <p class="" data-start="167" data-end="278"><em data-start="167" data-end="260">&#8220;Columbia students are confused. They thought &#8216;guerrilla warfare&#8217; was a new improv troupe.&#8221;</em><br data-start="260" data-end="263" />— <strong data-start="265" data-end="278">Ron <a href="https://bohiney.com/wine-not-the-athletes-guide-to-parisian-pubs/">White</a></strong></p>
  772. <p class="" data-start="280" data-end="406"><em data-start="280" data-end="386">&#8220;Apparently, Hezbollah wrote the new <a href="https://bohiney.com/dei-olympic-mascot-scandal/">Diversity</a> Statement. It begins, &#8216;Death to midterm grading curves.'&#8221;</em><br data-start="386" data-end="389" />— <strong data-start="391" data-end="406"><a href="https://bohiney.com/sodom-and-gomorrah-found-in-pacific-palisades-ca/">Amy Schumer</a></strong></p>
  773. <p class="" data-start="408" data-end="524"><em data-start="408" data-end="504">&#8220;Hamas said they’re not anti-Semitic. They just hate overpriced textbooks and Zionist bagels.&#8221;</em><br data-start="504" data-end="507" />— <strong data-start="509" data-end="524"><a href="https://bohiney.com/jim-waldens-mayoral-run/">Larry David</a></strong></p>
  774. <p class="" data-start="526" data-end="634"><em data-start="526" data-end="610">&#8220;Campus police said the new threat level is &#8216;mildly offended but well-organized.'&#8221;</em><br data-start="610" data-end="613" />— <strong data-start="615" data-end="634"><a href="https://bohiney.com/10-things-frugal-people-never-spend-money-on/">Sarah Silverman</a></strong></p>
  775. <p class="" data-start="636" data-end="772"><em data-start="636" data-end="753">&#8220;MTGA? Make Terrorism Great Again? Great—just what we need, another hat-based movement with delusions of grandeur.&#8221;</em><br data-start="753" data-end="756" />— <strong data-start="758" data-end="772"><a href="https://bohiney.com/optimism-of-new-york-jet-fans/">Chris Rock</a></strong></p>
  776. <p class="" data-start="774" data-end="860"><em data-start="774" data-end="843">&#8220;Columbia’s student body now identifies as &#8216;militantly undecided.'&#8221;</em><br data-start="843" data-end="846" />— <strong data-start="848" data-end="860"><a href="https://bohiney.com/scientists-discover-coffee-actually-wakes-you-up/">Tina Fey</a></strong></p>
  777. <p class="" data-start="862" data-end="964"><em data-start="862" data-end="942">&#8220;The terrorists promised not to bomb midterms… but only if they’re open <a href="https://bohiney.com/14-books-we-read/">book</a>.&#8221;</em><br data-start="942" data-end="945" />— <strong data-start="947" data-end="964"><a href="https://bohiney.com/brian-manns-fentanyl-follies/">Billy Crystal</a></strong></p>
  778. <p class="" data-start="966" data-end="1075"><em data-start="966" data-end="1055">&#8220;Columbia used to be a university. Now it’s the U.N. with dorm rooms and tuition debt.&#8221;</em><br data-start="1055" data-end="1058" />— <strong data-start="1060" data-end="1075"><a href="https://bohiney.com/rubens-restoration/">Jon Stewart</a></strong></p>
  779. <p class="" data-start="1077" data-end="1187"><em data-start="1077" data-end="1164">&#8220;First they came for the vending machines. Then they came for the Board of Trustees.&#8221;</em><br data-start="1164" data-end="1167" />— <strong data-start="1169" data-end="1187"><a href="https://bohiney.com/elon-musks-fight-with-starmer/">Dave Chappelle</a></strong></p>
  780. <p class="" data-start="1189" data-end="1327"><em data-start="1189" data-end="1305">&#8220;Even Hezbollah was like, &#8216;We were gonna destabilize the region, but that Gender Studies final was a real bitch.'&#8221;</em><br data-start="1305" data-end="1308" />— <strong data-start="1310" data-end="1327"><a href="https://bohiney.com/silicon-valley-is-sick-and-tired-of-its-marxist-employees/">Roseanne Barr</a></strong></p>
  781. <p class="" data-start="1329" data-end="1450"><em data-start="280" data-end="433">&#8220;I don&#8217;t know who’s running Columbia anymore—could be Hamas, could be the Sociology Department. Either way, someone’s getting tenure they didn’t earn.&#8221;</em><br data-start="433" data-end="436" />— <strong data-start="438" data-end="451"><a href="https://bohiney.com/gingham-shirt-club/">Bill Burr</a></strong></p>
  782. </div>
  783. </div>
  784. </div>
  785. </div>
  786. </div>
  787. </div>
  788. </div>
  789. </div>
  790. </article>
  791. <article class="w-full text-token-text-primary" dir="auto" data-testid="conversation-turn-7" data-scroll-anchor="false"></article>
  792. <article class="w-full text-token-text-primary" dir="auto" data-testid="conversation-turn-8" data-scroll-anchor="false">
  793. <div class="text-base my-auto mx-auto py-5 px-6">
  794. <div class="mx-auto flex flex-1 text-base gap-4 md:gap-5 lg:gap-6 md:max-w-3xl lg:max-w-[40rem] xl:max-w-[48rem] group/turn-messages focus-visible:outline-none" tabindex="-1">
  795. <div class="group/conversation-turn relative flex w-full min-w-0 flex-col agent-turn @xs/thread:px-0 @sm/thread:px-1.5 @md/thread:px-4">
  796. <div class="relative flex-col gap-1 md:gap-3">
  797. <div class="flex max-w-full flex-col flex-grow">
  798. <div class="min-h-8 text-message relative flex w-full flex-col items-end gap-2 whitespace-normal break-words text-start [.text-message+&amp;]:mt-5" dir="auto" data-message-author-role="assistant" data-message-id="64480b28-b722-4bd7-a800-725b557eaeb3" data-message-model-slug="gpt-4o">
  799. <div class="flex w-full flex-col gap-1 empty:hidden first:pt-[3px]">
  800. <div class="markdown prose w-full break-words dark:prose-invert light">
  801. <div class="absolute h-[60px]">
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  806. <div class="text-base my-auto mx-auto py-5 px-6">
  807. <div class="mx-auto flex flex-1 text-base gap-4 md:gap-5 lg:gap-6 md:max-w-3xl lg:max-w-[40rem] xl:max-w-[48rem] group/turn-messages focus-visible:outline-none" tabindex="-1">
  808. <div class="group/conversation-turn relative flex w-full min-w-0 flex-col agent-turn @xs/thread:px-0 @sm/thread:px-1.5 @md/thread:px-4">
  809. <div class="relative flex-col gap-1 md:gap-3">
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  811. <div class="min-h-8 text-message relative flex w-full flex-col items-end gap-2 whitespace-normal break-words text-start [.text-message+&amp;]:mt-5" dir="auto" data-message-author-role="assistant" data-message-id="13b97790-b1b7-410d-94ee-3a56b9c85ade" data-message-model-slug="gpt-4o">
  812. <div class="flex w-full flex-col gap-1 empty:hidden first:pt-[3px]">
  813. <div class="markdown prose w-full break-words dark:prose-invert light">
  814. <figure id="attachment_10809" aria-describedby="caption-attachment-10809" style="width: 640px" class="wp-caption aligncenter"><a href="https://bohiney.com/who-runs-columbia-university/bohiney-news-a-wide-aspect-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-bohiney-magazine-scene_-inside-the-chaotic-curriculum-council-of-resistance-boardroom-at-columbo-universit-bohiney-com-4/" rel="attachment wp-att-10809"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" class="size-large wp-image-10809" title="BOHINEY NEWS - A wide-aspect satirical cartoon in the style of Bohiney Magazine. Scene Inside the chaotic 'Curriculum Council of Resistance' boardroom at Columbo Universit... - bohiney.com 4" src="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-aspect-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Scene_-Inside-the-chaotic-Curriculum-Council-of-Resistance-boardroom-at-Columbo-Universit.-bohiney.com-4-1024x585.jpg" alt="BOHINEY NEWS - A wide-aspect satirical cartoon in the style of Bohiney Magazine. Scene Inside the chaotic 'Curriculum Council of Resistance' boardroom at Columbo Universit... - bohiney.com 4" width="640" height="366" srcset="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-aspect-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Scene_-Inside-the-chaotic-Curriculum-Council-of-Resistance-boardroom-at-Columbo-Universit.-bohiney.com-4-1024x585.jpg 1024w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-aspect-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Scene_-Inside-the-chaotic-Curriculum-Council-of-Resistance-boardroom-at-Columbo-Universit.-bohiney.com-4-300x171.jpg 300w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-aspect-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Scene_-Inside-the-chaotic-Curriculum-Council-of-Resistance-boardroom-at-Columbo-Universit.-bohiney.com-4-768x439.jpg 768w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-aspect-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Scene_-Inside-the-chaotic-Curriculum-Council-of-Resistance-boardroom-at-Columbo-Universit.-bohiney.com-4-1536x878.jpg 1536w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-aspect-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Scene_-Inside-the-chaotic-Curriculum-Council-of-Resistance-boardroom-at-Columbo-Universit.-bohiney.com-4.jpg 1792w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px" /></a><figcaption id="caption-attachment-10809" class="wp-caption-text">BOHINEY NEWS &#8211; A wide-aspect satirical cartoon in the style of Bohiney Magazine. Scene Inside the <a href="https://bohiney.com/the-future-of-nfl-and-netflix/">chaotic</a> &#8216;Curriculum Council of Resistance&#8217; <a href="https://bohiney.com/how-can-something-be-ngo-if-the-government-is-paying/">boardroom</a> at Columbo Universit&#8230; &#8211; bohiney.com 4</figcaption></figure>
  815. <h2 data-start="0" data-end="103"><strong data-start="0" data-end="103">15 Observations on the Satirical Theme of Terrorist Groups Influencing Columbia University</strong></h2>
  816. <p class="" data-start="185" data-end="244"><strong data-start="185" data-end="244">1. Terrorist Organizations as University Administrators</strong></p>
  817. <p class="" data-start="246" data-end="403"><span class="relative -mx-px my-[-0.2rem] rounded px-px py-[0.2rem]">Isn&#8217;t it funny how some folks think terrorist groups like Hamas and Hezbollah are now running Columbia University?</span> <span class="relative -mx-px my-[-0.2rem] rounded px-px py-[0.2rem]">I mean, what&#8217;s next?</span> <span class="relative -mx-px my-[-0.2rem] rounded px-px py-[0.2rem]">Al-Qaeda heading up the PTA?</span>​</p>
  818. <p class="" data-start="405" data-end="451"><strong data-start="405" data-end="451">2. The New Core Curriculum: Explosives 101</strong></p>
  819. <p class="" data-start="453" data-end="572"><span class="relative -mx-px my-[-0.2rem] rounded px-px py-[0.2rem]">Imagine the course catalog: &#8220;This semester, learn the fundamentals of Improvised Devices with <a href="https://bohiney.com/area-cow-declared-professor-at-msu-after-winning-popularity-contest/">Professor</a> Jihad.&#8221;</span> <span class="relative -mx-px my-[-0.2rem] rounded px-px py-[0.2rem]">Talk about a blast in class!</span>​</p>
  820. <p class="" data-start="574" data-end="627"><strong data-start="574" data-end="627">3. Campus Protests: From Sit-ins to Siege Tactics</strong></p>
  821. <p class="" data-start="629" data-end="748"><span class="relative -mx-px my-[-0.2rem] rounded px-px py-[0.2rem]">Remember when college protests were about <a href="https://bohiney.com/tulsi-gabbard/">peace</a> and <a href="https://bohiney.com/gen-z-and-millennials-have-redefined-sustainable/">love</a>?</span> <span class="relative -mx-px my-[-0.2rem] rounded px-px py-[0.2rem]">Now, it&#8217;s like they&#8217;re auditioning for a role in &#8220;Call of Duty.&#8221;</span>​<span class="ml-1 inline-flex max-w-full items-center relative top-[-0.094rem]"><a class="flex h-6 overflow-hidden rounded-xl px-2.5 text-[0.5625em] font-medium !bg-[#F4F4F4] !text-token-text-secondary dark:!bg-[#303030]" href="https://nypost.com/2025/03/10/us-news/columbia-agitator-mahmoud-khalil-was-probed-as-national-security-threat-as-trump-calls-ice-bust-first-arrest-of-many/?utm_source=chatgpt.com" target="_blank" rel="noopener nofollow"><span class="relative bottom-0 left-0 flex h-full w-full items-center"><span class="flex h-4 w-full items-center justify-between"><span class="max-w-full grow overflow-hidden truncate text-center">New York Post</span></span></span></a></span></p>
  822. <p class="" data-start="750" data-end="800"><strong data-start="750" data-end="800">4. <a href="https://bohiney.com/yeshivas-that-fail-to-teach-basic-skills/">Graduation</a> Ceremonies with Rocket Launchers</strong></p>
  823. <p class="" data-start="802" data-end="967"><span class="relative -mx-px my-[-0.2rem] rounded px-px py-[0.2rem]">&#8220;Congratulations, Class of 2025!</span> <span class="relative -mx-px my-[-0.2rem] rounded px-px py-[0.2rem]">Please accept your diplomas and complimentary RPGs.&#8221;</span> <span class="relative -mx-px my-[-0.2rem] rounded px-px py-[0.2rem]">That&#8217;s one way to motivate students to aim high.</span>​ <span class="ml-1 inline-flex max-w-full items-center relative top-[-0.094rem]"><a class="flex h-6 overflow-hidden rounded-xl px-2.5 text-[0.5625em] font-medium !bg-[#F4F4F4] !text-token-text-secondary dark:!bg-[#303030]" href="https://www.meforum.org/mef-online/yahiya-sinwar-is-ready-to-enroll-at-columbia-university?utm_source=chatgpt.com" target="_blank" rel="noopener nofollow"><span class="relative bottom-0 left-0 flex h-full w-full items-center"><span class="flex h-4 w-full items-center justify-between overflow-hidden"><span class="max-w-full grow overflow-hidden truncate text-center">Middle East Forum</span></span></span></a></span></p>
  824. <p class="" data-start="969" data-end="1011"><strong data-start="969" data-end="1011">5. Financial Aid from the Axis of Evil</strong></p>
  825. <p class="" data-start="1013" data-end="1138"><span class="relative -mx-px my-[-0.2rem] rounded px-px py-[0.2rem]">Forget FAFSA;</span> <span class="relative -mx-px my-[-0.2rem] rounded px-px py-[0.2rem]">students are now applying for scholarships from organizations that make the Mafia look like a charity.</span>​<span class="ml-1 inline-flex max-w-full items-center relative top-[-0.094rem]"><a class="flex h-6 overflow-hidden rounded-xl px-2.5 text-[0.5625em] font-medium !bg-[#F4F4F4] !text-token-text-secondary dark:!bg-[#303030]" href="https://www.congress.gov/118/meeting/house/116973/documents/HHRG-118-ED00-Transcript-20240417.pdf?utm_source=chatgpt.com" target="_blank" rel="noopener nofollow"><span class="relative bottom-0 left-0 flex h-full w-full items-center"><span class="flex h-4 w-full items-center justify-between overflow-hidden"><span class="max-w-full grow overflow-hidden truncate text-center">Congress.gov</span></span></span></a></span></p>
  826. <p class="" data-start="1140" data-end="1177"><strong data-start="1140" data-end="1177">6. Study Abroad in <a href="https://bohiney.com/the-hamas-bullies/">Conflict</a> Zones</strong></p>
  827. <p class="" data-start="1179" data-end="1304"><span class="relative -mx-px my-[-0.2rem] rounded px-px py-[0.2rem]">&#8220;This year, our exchange program takes you to the beautiful, war-torn regions of the Middle East.</span> <span class="relative -mx-px my-[-0.2rem] rounded px-px py-[0.2rem]">Don&#8217;t forget your flak jacket!&#8221;</span>​</p>
  828. <p class="" data-start="1306" data-end="1352"><strong data-start="1306" data-end="1352">7. Campus <a href="https://bohiney.com/iranian-drones-take-a-detour-to-new-jersey-skipping-texas/">Security</a> Training with Militants</strong></p>
  829. <p class="" data-start="1354" data-end="1479"><span class="relative -mx-px my-[-0.2rem] rounded px-px py-[0.2rem]">Who needs campus police when you&#8217;ve got insurgents conducting safety drills?</span> <span class="relative -mx-px my-[-0.2rem] rounded px-px py-[0.2rem]">&#8220;In case of emergency, please follow the guy with the AK-47.&#8221;</span>​</p>
  830. <p class="" data-start="1481" data-end="1518"><strong data-start="1481" data-end="1518">8. Faculty Meetings with Warlords</strong></p>
  831. <p class="" data-start="1520" data-end="1645"><span class="relative -mx-px my-[-0.2rem] rounded px-px py-[0.2rem]">Imagine the staff lounge: &#8220;Professor Smith, meet your new colleague, General Destruction.</span> <span class="relative -mx-px my-[-0.2rem] rounded px-px py-[0.2rem]">He&#8217;ll be teaching <a href="https://bohiney.com/government-declares-war-on-war-declarations-enough-is-enough/">Conflict Resolution</a>.&#8221;</span>​<span class="ml-1 inline-flex max-w-full items-center relative top-[-0.094rem]"><a class="flex h-6 overflow-hidden rounded-xl px-2.5 text-[0.5625em] font-medium !bg-[#F4F4F4] !text-token-text-secondary dark:!bg-[#303030]" href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hamas_in_Lebanon?utm_source=chatgpt.com" target="_blank" rel="noopener nofollow"><span class="relative bottom-0 left-0 flex h-full w-full items-center"><span class="flex h-4 w-full items-center justify-between overflow-hidden"><span class="max-w-full grow overflow-hidden truncate text-center">Wikipedia</span></span></span></a></span></p>
  832. <p class="" data-start="1647" data-end="1692"><strong data-start="1647" data-end="1692">9. Terrorist Groups Hosting Alumni Events</strong></p>
  833. <p class="" data-start="1694" data-end="1819"><span class="relative -mx-px my-[-0.2rem] rounded px-px py-[0.2rem]">&#8220;Join us for a night of reminiscing and revolution.</span> <span class="relative -mx-px my-[-0.2rem] rounded px-px py-[0.2rem]">Don&#8217;t forget to bring your own balaclava.&#8221;</span>​<span class="ml-1 inline-flex max-w-full items-center relative top-[-0.094rem]"><a class="flex h-6 overflow-hidden rounded-xl px-2.5 text-[0.5625em] font-medium !bg-[#F4F4F4] !text-token-text-secondary dark:!bg-[#303030]" href="https://www.lemonde.fr/en/international/article/2024/09/19/pager-explosions-in-lebanon-hezbollah-is-trapped-in-its-support-for-hamas_6726632_4.html?utm_source=chatgpt.com" target="_blank" rel="noopener nofollow"><span class="relative bottom-0 left-0 flex h-full w-full items-center"><span class="flex h-4 w-full items-center justify-between absolute"><span class="max-w-full grow overflow-hidden truncate text-center">The Guardian</span></span></span></a></span></p>
  834. <p class="" data-start="1821" data-end="1864"><strong data-start="1821" data-end="1864">10. Campus Bookstore Selling Manifestos</strong></p>
  835. <p class="" data-start="1866" data-end="1991"><span class="relative -mx-px my-[-0.2rem] rounded px-px py-[0.2rem]">Why buy textbooks when you can get the latest edition of &#8220;Insurgency for Dummies&#8221;?</span> <span class="relative -mx-px my-[-0.2rem] rounded px-px py-[0.2rem]">It&#8217;s a real page-turner.</span>​</p>
  836. <p class="" data-start="1993" data-end="2027"><strong data-start="1993" data-end="2027">11. Cheerleaders with Grenades</strong></p>
  837. <p class="" data-start="2029" data-end="2194"><span class="relative -mx-px my-[-0.2rem] rounded px-px py-[0.2rem]">&#8220;Give me a B!</span> <span class="relative -mx-px my-[-0.2rem] rounded px-px py-[0.2rem]">Give me an O!</span> <span class="relative -mx-px my-[-0.2rem] rounded px-px py-[0.2rem]">Give me an O—wait, where&#8217;s the pin on this thing?&#8221;</span>​</p>
  838. <p class="" data-start="2196" data-end="2242"><strong data-start="2196" data-end="2242"><a href="https://bohiney.com/state-gives-farm-permit-to-build-12500-head-dairy/">12</a>. Fraternities Pledging to Rebel Leaders</strong></p>
  839. <p class="" data-start="2244" data-end="2369"><span class="relative -mx-px my-[-0.2rem] rounded px-px py-[0.2rem]">&#8220;This semester, Alpha Beta is proud to announce our new pledge master: Commander Chaos.</span> <span class="relative -mx-px my-[-0.2rem] rounded px-px py-[0.2rem]">Initiation just got intense.&#8221;</span>​<span class="ml-1 inline-flex max-w-full items-center relative top-[-0.094rem]"><a class="flex h-6 overflow-hidden rounded-xl px-2.5 text-[0.5625em] font-medium !bg-[#F4F4F4] !text-token-text-secondary dark:!bg-[#303030]" href="https://nypost.com/2025/03/29/opinion/us-should-prosecute-student-protesters-who-commit-illegal-activity/?utm_source=chatgpt.com" target="_blank" rel="noopener nofollow"><span class="relative bottom-0 left-0 flex h-full w-full items-center"><span class="flex h-4 w-full items-center justify-between overflow-hidden"><span class="max-w-full grow overflow-hidden truncate text-center">New York Post</span></span></span></a></span></p>
  840. <p class="" data-start="2371" data-end="2401"><strong data-start="2371" data-end="2401">13. Cafeteria Serving MREs</strong></p>
  841. <p class="" data-start="2403" data-end="2568"><span class="relative -mx-px my-[-0.2rem] rounded px-px py-[0.2rem]">Forget gourmet dining;</span> <span class="relative -mx-px my-[-0.2rem] rounded px-px py-[0.2rem]">students are now enjoying Meals Ready to Explode.</span> <span class="relative -mx-px my-[-0.2rem] rounded px-px py-[0.2rem]">Bon appétit!</span>​</p>
  842. <p class="" data-start="2570" data-end="2618"><strong data-start="2570" data-end="2618">14. Student <a href="https://bohiney.com/ai-now-generating-laws-congress-declares-itself-non-essential/">Government</a> Enforcing <a href="https://bohiney.com/abc-totally-misses-south-koreas-martial-law/">Martial Law</a></strong></p>
  843. <p class="" data-start="2620" data-end="2745"><span class="relative -mx-px my-[-0.2rem] rounded px-px py-[0.2rem]">Who needs <a href="https://bohiney.com/judge-trump-is-out-and-aniston-is-in/">democracy</a> when your student council has a militia?</span> <span class="relative -mx-px my-[-0.2rem] rounded px-px py-[0.2rem]">Elections just got a lot more interesting.</span>​</p>
  844. <p class="" data-start="2747" data-end="2789"><strong data-start="2747" data-end="2789">15. Mascot Changes to a Suicide Bomber</strong></p>
  845. <p class="" data-start="2791" data-end="2916"><span class="relative -mx-px my-[-0.2rem] rounded px-px py-[0.2rem]">&#8220;Go Fightin&#8217; Bombers!</span> <span class="relative -mx-px my-[-0.2rem] rounded px-px py-[0.2rem]">Our team spirit is the bomb—literally.&#8221;</span>​</p>
  846. <p class="" data-start="2918" data-end="3018"><em data-start="2918" data-end="3018">Note: These observations are purely satirical and not reflective of actual events or endorsements.</em></p>
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  860. <figure id="attachment_10808" aria-describedby="caption-attachment-10808" style="width: 640px" class="wp-caption aligncenter"><a href="https://bohiney.com/who-runs-columbia-university/bohiney-news-a-wide-aspect-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-bohiney-magazine-scene_-inside-the-chaotic-curriculum-council-of-resistance-boardroom-at-columbo-universit-bohiney-com-3/" rel="attachment wp-att-10808"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" class="size-large wp-image-10808" title="BOHINEY NEWS - A wide-aspect satirical cartoon in the style of Bohiney Magazine. Scene Inside the chaotic 'Curriculum Council of Resistance' boardroom at Columbo Universit... - bohiney.com 3" src="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-aspect-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Scene_-Inside-the-chaotic-Curriculum-Council-of-Resistance-boardroom-at-Columbo-Universit.-bohiney.com-3-1024x585.jpg" alt="BOHINEY NEWS - A wide-aspect satirical cartoon in the style of Bohiney Magazine. Scene Inside the chaotic 'Curriculum Council of Resistance' boardroom at Columbo Universit... - bohiney.com 3" width="640" height="366" srcset="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-aspect-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Scene_-Inside-the-chaotic-Curriculum-Council-of-Resistance-boardroom-at-Columbo-Universit.-bohiney.com-3-1024x585.jpg 1024w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-aspect-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Scene_-Inside-the-chaotic-Curriculum-Council-of-Resistance-boardroom-at-Columbo-Universit.-bohiney.com-3-300x171.jpg 300w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-aspect-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Scene_-Inside-the-chaotic-Curriculum-Council-of-Resistance-boardroom-at-Columbo-Universit.-bohiney.com-3-768x439.jpg 768w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-aspect-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Scene_-Inside-the-chaotic-Curriculum-Council-of-Resistance-boardroom-at-Columbo-Universit.-bohiney.com-3-1536x878.jpg 1536w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-aspect-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Scene_-Inside-the-chaotic-Curriculum-Council-of-Resistance-boardroom-at-Columbo-Universit.-bohiney.com-3.jpg 1792w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px" /></a><figcaption id="caption-attachment-10808" class="wp-caption-text">BOHINEY NEWS &#8211; A wide-aspect satirical cartoon in the style of Bohiney Magazine. Scene Inside the chaotic &#8216;Curriculum Council of Resistance&#8217; boardroom at Columbo Universit&#8230; &#8211; bohiney.com 3</figcaption></figure>
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  892. <p>The post <a href="https://bohiney.com/who-runs-columbia-university/">Who Runs Columbia University?</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bohiney.com">Bohiney News</a>.</p>
  893. ]]></content:encoded>
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  900. <title>Trump Demands Recount</title>
  901. <link>https://bohiney.com/trump-demands-recount/</link>
  903. <dc:creator><![CDATA[Annika Steinmann Journalist]]></dc:creator>
  904. <pubDate>Mon, 31 Mar 2025 15:06:26 +0000</pubDate>
  905. <category><![CDATA[Culture]]></category>
  906. <category><![CDATA[Politics]]></category>
  907. <category><![CDATA[8-Year-Old]]></category>
  908. <category><![CDATA[absurdity]]></category>
  909. <category><![CDATA[Checkers Game]]></category>
  910. <category><![CDATA[Childish Competition]]></category>
  911. <category><![CDATA[Demands Recount]]></category>
  912. <category><![CDATA[Election Parody]]></category>
  913. <category><![CDATA[Exaggeration]]></category>
  914. <category><![CDATA[humor]]></category>
  915. <category><![CDATA[political satire]]></category>
  916. <category><![CDATA[Trump]]></category>
  917. <guid isPermaLink="false">https://bohiney.com/?p=10787</guid>
  918.  
  919. <description><![CDATA[<p>Trump Demands Recount After Losing Checkers Game to 8-Year-Old A Game of Kings, Pawns, and...</p>
  920. <p>The post <a href="https://bohiney.com/trump-demands-recount/">Trump Demands Recount</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bohiney.com">Bohiney News</a>.</p>
  921. ]]></description>
  922. <content:encoded><![CDATA[<h2 class="" data-start="293" data-end="358">Trump Demands Recount After Losing Checkers Game to 8-Year-Old</h2>
  923. <h3 class="" data-start="360" data-end="404">A Game of Kings, Pawns, and Tiny Tyrants</h3>
  924. <p class="" data-start="406" data-end="1015">In what can only be described as the most stunning upset in the history of backyard board games—and possibly in American politics—a heated checkers match between former President Donald <a href="https://bohiney.com/trump-targets-the-zombie-vote/">Trump</a> and a precocious 8-year-old champion has erupted into a full-blown recount <a href="https://bohiney.com/nixon-knee-deep-in-watergate/">scandal</a>. On a warm, sunny afternoon at Mar-a-Lago’s luxurious poolside pavilion, a checkers board became the arena for an epic clash of wits, where one side boasted the swagger of a former commander-in-chief and the other, the determined gaze of a child whose only qualification was a sharp mind honed on countless hours of recess strategy.</p>
  925. <p class="" data-start="1017" data-end="1456">Eyewitnesses report that as the game neared its climax, Trump’s board position began to crumble like a sandcastle in a tide. With each decisive jump by the pint-sized opponent, Trump’s signature bluster gave way to an ever-mounting fury. “I don’t know what game this is, but it’s rigged!” he bellowed, his voice echoing over the manicured lawns. “I demand a recount! I demand fairness! This is the most disgraceful thing I’ve ever seen!”</p>
  926. <h3 class="" data-start="1458" data-end="1515">The Checkers Controversy: More Than Just Child’s Play</h3>
  927. <p class="" data-start="1517" data-end="2186">The incident, which started as a friendly challenge to pass the time during an off-day <a href="https://bohiney.com/trump-declares-himself-worlds-greatest-president-after-winning-a-rigged-mar-a-lago-golf-tournament/">golf</a> session, quickly evolved into a <a href="https://bohiney.com/trump-2-0-the-art-of-the-steal/">media</a> frenzy. Political pundits, playground parents, and even professional checkers players have since weighed in on what is being dubbed “The Great Checkers Recount.” Initially, the match was intended as a lighthearted diversion—an opportunity for Trump to showcase his “tremendous” tactical skills against the brilliant mind of young Timmy Thompson, a local third-grader renowned for his strategic play. However, as the final moves unfolded on the checkered battlefield, the scorecard revealed an incontrovertible fact: Timmy had bested Trump.</p>
  928. <p class="" data-start="2188" data-end="2580">According to multiple sources at the event, the turning point came when the child executed a double jump that left Trump’s king piece trapped in a precarious position. “I was watching from the sidelines, and I couldn’t believe my eyes,” recalled one aide. “One minute, Trump was bragging about his ‘yuge’ potential, and the next, he was fuming because a kid outsmarted him at his own game.”</p>
  929. <p class="" data-start="2582" data-end="3062">Trump’s immediate response was not to congratulate his opponent or even reflect on his own gameplay. Instead, he demanded a formal recount of every move—a recount not unlike those he once insisted were necessary during contentious presidential elections. “We need <a href="https://bohiney.com/zelenskys-self-accusation-circus/">transparency</a>,” he declared. “This game was a disaster. I want every jump, every slide, every move recounted by independent experts. I’ll have them review the tapes and even the chalk dust on the board if we have to!”</p>
  930. <h3 class="" data-start="3064" data-end="3116">The Political Implications of a Checkers Recount</h3>
  931. <p class="" data-start="3118" data-end="3650">Political analysts are now scrambling to interpret the implications of this seemingly trivial incident. Some suggest that the checkers game could serve as a microcosm for the broader political battles that have defined Trump’s public life. “It’s a metaphor,” explains Dr. Eleanor Strategos, a <a href="https://bohiney.com/area-cow-declared-professor-at-msu-after-winning-popularity-contest/">professor</a> of <a href="https://bohiney.com/sean-hannity-and-ainsley-earhardt/">political humor</a> at the University of <a href="https://bohiney.com/what-is-so-funny-about-bohiney/">Satire</a> and <a href="https://bohiney.com/climate-change-summit-delayed-due-to-bad-weather/">Irony</a>. “Trump sees every loss as a betrayal—a sign that the system is rigged against him, whether it’s a <a href="https://bohiney.com/mass-delusion-election/">presidential election</a> or a simple board game against a precocious child.”</p>
  932. <p class="" data-start="3652" data-end="4153"><a href="https://bohiney.com/these-billionaires-could-buy-tiktok/">Social media</a> erupted in response to the <a href="https://bohiney.com/david-muirs-narcissistic-fashion-moves-while-covering-la-wildfires/">news</a>, with hashtags such as #CheckersGate, #RecountTheBoard, and #KidWins echoing across <a href="https://bohiney.com/elon-musks-fight-with-starmer/">Twitter</a> and <a href="https://bohiney.com/mark-zuckerbergs-libertarian-awakening/">Facebook</a>. <a href="https://bohiney.com/morning-joes-trip-to-mar-a-lago/">Memes</a> circulated wildly, featuring images of a tiny champion brandishing a checkers king piece, while Trump’s cartoonish caricature is shown furiously demanding a recount as if he were presiding over an <a href="https://bohiney.com/how-a-socialist-football-coach-shook-up-the-race-for-vp/">election</a> night in 2016. Political satirists have pointed out that if Trump can’t handle losing a checkers game, how can he possibly lead a country?</p>
  933. <h3 class="" data-start="4155" data-end="4212">Expert Opinions: When Childhood Meets the Oval Office</h3>
  934. <p class="" data-start="4214" data-end="4754">In an exclusive interview with our satirical desk, renowned checkers grandmaster and retired circus clown, Mr. Reginald “Red” Rook, weighed in on the game. “I’ve seen many games in my day—games with strategy, games with heart—but never have I seen a recount demanded over checkers by someone who’s never played a real game before,” Rook quipped, his tone part incredulity and part amusement. “It’s like a clown demanding a rematch after losing at musical chairs. You know it’s not really about the game; it’s about the principle of it all.”</p>
  935. <p class="" data-start="4756" data-end="5102">Dr. Strategos adds, “This is a classic case of overreaction. Losing a game to an 8-year-old is bound to ruffle anyone’s feathers, but Trump’s response highlights a persistent belief that every loss is a personal affront. In his mind, the board is rigged, and the world is conspiring to make him look foolish—whether it’s in <a href="https://bohiney.com/trump-vs-harris-debate/">politics</a> or checkers.”</p>
  936. <p class="" data-start="5104" data-end="5481">Parents of young Timmy, meanwhile, express a mix of pride and concern. “I’m thrilled my son got to experience the spotlight,” said Mrs. Thompson, Timmy’s mother, beaming with pride. “But I worry that if a simple game of checkers can turn into such a political debacle, what does that say about our society? It’s like watching a <a href="https://bohiney.com/reality-tv-show-to-feature-former-celebrities-trying-to-live-on-minimum-wage/">reality TV</a> show, but with actual consequences.”</p>
  937. <h3 class="" data-start="5483" data-end="5513">A Recount Unlike Any Other</h3>
  938. <p class="" data-start="5515" data-end="6113">In an unexpected twist, Trump’s recount team has been mobilized faster than a campaign <a href="https://bohiney.com/2025-the-daytona-500/">rally</a>. Sources reveal that the team—consisting of former campaign staffers, statisticians with degrees in ‘alternative facts,’ and a couple of disillusioned playground monitors—has gathered at a secret location. Their task: to scrutinize every <a href="https://bohiney.com/silicon-valley-is-sick-and-tired-of-its-marxist-employees/">square</a> of the checkers board, re-interview the witnesses, and even consult the chalk used to mark the board. “We’re going deep,” one team member stated. “We’ll leave no stone unturned, no square unchecked. If there’s any chance that a foul occurred, we’ll find it.”</p>
  939. <p class="" data-start="6115" data-end="6493">Critics are quick to point out the <a href="https://bohiney.com/how-can-something-be-ngo-if-the-government-is-paying/">absurdity</a> of such an effort. Political satirist and self-declared checkers enthusiast, Ms. Valerie Victory, noted, “This recount is more of a publicity stunt than a genuine attempt to resolve a dispute. It’s a microcosm of the post-truth era—where facts are negotiable and even the simplest game can be rigged in the mind of a defeated man.”</p>
  940. <p class="" data-start="6495" data-end="7037">In a press briefing that was livestreamed on multiple platforms, Trump’s recount head declared, “This is not just about checkers—it’s about justice. It’s about ensuring that every jump and every move is fair. And if that means reviewing every grain of dust on that board, so be it!” The statement was met with both laughter and disbelief across the nation, with many wondering if this was yet another chapter in the never-ending saga of Trump versus the establishment—even if the establishment in this case was an 8-year-old checkers prodigy.</p>
  941. <h3 class="" data-start="7039" data-end="7094">The Social Media Circus: Memes, Jokes, and Hashtags</h3>
  942. <p class="" data-start="7096" data-end="7781">No satirical event of this magnitude would be complete without the inevitable social media storm. Hashtags like #TinyTyrant, #CheckersConspiracy, and #BoardGameBlunder flooded the <a href="https://bohiney.com/welcome-to-the-internets-echo-chamber/">internet</a>. Memes depicted Trump in a tiny playground, facing off against a giant, smiling child armed with nothing but a checkers king and an oversized lollipop. Viral videos showed reenactments of the match, complete with dramatic music and <a href="https://bohiney.com/the-future-of-nfl-and-netflix/">exaggerated</a> slow-motion moves. One particularly popular clip featured a mock interview with the child, who was asked, “How did you defeat the former president?” The child replied, “I just played by the rules,” in a tone that mixed innocence with smug satisfaction.</p>
  943. <p class="" data-start="7783" data-end="8235">Political commentators on <a href="https://bohiney.com/msnbcs-hate-spin-off-comcast-unloads-network/">cable news</a> found themselves forced to discuss the incident at length. “If you can’t even win a game of checkers without throwing a fit, what does that say about your <a href="https://bohiney.com/donald-j-trumps-inaugural-address-leaked-to-the-press/">leadership</a>?” one host asked, half-laughing and half-serious. Meanwhile, <a href="https://bohiney.com/trump-unfreezes-2000-pound-bombs-for-israel/">late-night</a> <a href="https://bohiney.com/winter-storm/">comedians</a> had a field day, with <a href="https://bohiney.com/amy-schumer-renounces-napping/">jokes</a> ranging from “Trump’s new campaign slogan: ‘I’m going to recount my wins!’” to “Maybe next time he’ll challenge a 5-year-old at hopscotch.”</p>
  944. <h3 class="" data-start="8237" data-end="8303">The Fallout: Repercussions in the World of Politics and Beyond</h3>
  945. <p class="" data-start="8305" data-end="8739">The fallout from the checkers debacle has been swift and far-reaching. Political analysts are already predicting that the incident will have ramifications on Trump’s public image and could even influence future political strategies. “It’s a lesson in humility—or at least it should be,” opined one senior political strategist. “If you can’t handle a loss at checkers, how are you supposed to handle the rigors of national leadership?”</p>
  946. <p class="" data-start="8741" data-end="9259">Opponents of Trump have seized upon the incident to mock his inability to accept defeat gracefully. <a href="https://bohiney.com/belle-delphine-declares-shes-the-banksy-of-onlyfans/">Social media influencers</a> and pundits alike have compared the incident to past political controversies, with one popular tweet reading, “From boardrooms to backyards, Trump just can’t take a loss—even when it comes from an 8-year-old.” Conservative commentators, however, have attempted to downplay the incident as a momentary lapse in judgment, arguing that even the best leaders can have an off day on the playground.</p>
  947. <p class="" data-start="9261" data-end="9744">In a surprising twist, a bipartisan group of former presidents has called for a lighthearted <a href="https://bohiney.com/barack-obama-forced-back-to-michelle/">reconciliation</a> between political figures and playground sportsmanship. “If we can learn anything from this, it’s that sometimes the greatest victories come in the smallest packages,” declared an anonymous spokesperson for the group. “Perhaps it’s time to host an annual ‘Presidents vs. Kids’ tournament—a reminder that no matter how high you climb, the basics of fair play remain the same.”</p>
  948. <h3 class="" data-start="9746" data-end="9811">A Glimpse into the Future: What’s Next for Checkers Politics?</h3>
  949. <p class="" data-start="9813" data-end="10431">As the nation digests the implications of Trump’s demand for a recount over a checkers game, many are left wondering what this means for the future of political discourse. Is this merely an isolated incident—a humorous footnote in a career defined by grandiose claims and bold proclamations—or does it represent a deeper trend toward theatrical politics? “We’re witnessing a transformation in how public figures engage with both their supporters and their opponents,” observes Dr. Strategos. “The line between reality and <a href="https://bohiney.com/gymnasts-vs-mimes/">performance</a> is blurring, and even a simple board game can become a stage for <a href="https://bohiney.com/trump-seeks-to-halt-his-criminal-sentencing/">political theater</a>.”</p>
  950. <p class="" data-start="10433" data-end="10862">For now, the recount investigation continues. Trump’s recount team is reportedly scheduled to meet again at a secret location near a local elementary school, where they plan to reassemble the checkers board piece by piece. “We’re confident that if we look hard enough, we’ll find the evidence of foul play,” stated one team member, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of being recruited to referee future playground disputes.</p>
  951. <p class="" data-start="10864" data-end="11305">In the meantime, young Timmy Thompson has been declared the unofficial checkers champion of the nation, with his victory celebrated by parents, teachers, and playground enthusiasts alike. “It just goes to show that sometimes, a little bit of hard work and a <a href="https://bohiney.com/tulsi-gabbard/">love</a> for the game can triumph over even the most powerful figures,” Mrs. Thompson said, smiling as she held her son’s trophy—a handcrafted medal that reads, “Checkers Champion, 2023.”</p>
  952. <h3 class="" data-start="11307" data-end="11356">Conclusion: Lessons from the Board and Beyond</h3>
  953. <p class="" data-start="11358" data-end="11776">The saga of the checkers game has captured the nation’s imagination, serving as a humorous reminder that even those who claim to be the masters of the universe are not immune to the simple, honest rules of a childhood game. Trump’s impassioned demand for a recount—no matter how misguided—has sparked a nationwide conversation about fairness, accountability, and the enduring value of good old-fashioned sportsmanship.</p>
  954. <p class="" data-start="11778" data-end="12089">As <a href="https://bohiney.com/europe-unanimously-agrees/">America</a> ponders the political theater that unfolded on that modest checkers board, one thing is abundantly clear: sometimes, the smallest victories carry the most significant lessons. In the end, whether it’s a presidential recount or a playground rematch, the principles of fairness and fun remain timeless.</p>
  955. <p class="" data-start="12091" data-end="12380">In a world where political battles are often fought on the grandest of stages, the checkers board reminds us that victory can be found in unexpected places—and that even an 8-year-old, armed with nothing but a set of checkers and an unyielding determination, can force the hand of history.</p>
  956. <p class="" data-start="12382" data-end="12687">As the recount investigation proceeds and the debates rage on, one final <a href="https://bohiney.com/can-america-finally-admit-the-truth/">truth</a> emerges: in the game of life, sometimes you win, sometimes you lose—and sometimes, you simply learn that the most important thing is to play by the rules, even when the stakes are as low as a board game in a poolside pavilion.</p>
  957. <hr class="" data-start="12689" data-end="12692" />
  958. <p class="" data-start="12694" data-end="13124"><em data-start="12694" data-end="13124"><strong>Disclaimer:</strong> This satirical account is a work of pure fiction. Any resemblance to actual events, political figures, or checkers tournaments is entirely coincidental. The recount investigation, the checkers board analysis, and all comments herein are products of a humorous collaboration between a satirical journalist and a playful imagination. No presidents, children, or checkers boards were harmed in the making of this story.</em></p>
  959. <hr class="" data-start="13126" data-end="13129" />
  960. <p class="" data-start="13131" data-end="13147"><strong><a href="https://bohiney.com/sex-in-the-olympic-village/">Auf Wiedersehen</a>!</strong></p>
  961. <figure id="attachment_10788" aria-describedby="caption-attachment-10788" style="width: 640px" class="wp-caption aligncenter"><a href="https://bohiney.com/trump-demands-recount/bohiney-news-a-wide-aspect-satirical-cartoon-scene-in-the-folded-style-humor-of-bohiney-magazine-the-setting-is-a-luxurious-fictional-resort-called-palm-splendor-a-ca-bohiney-com-1/" rel="attachment wp-att-10788"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" class="size-large wp-image-10788" title="BOHINEY NEWS -- A wide-aspect satirical cartoon scene in the folded-style humor of Bohiney Magazine. The setting is a luxurious fictional resort called 'Palm Splendor'. A ca- bohiney.com 1" src="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-aspect-satirical-cartoon-scene-in-the-folded-style-humor-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-The-setting-is-a-luxurious-fictional-resort-called-Palm-Splendor.-A-ca-bohiney.com-1-1024x583.jpg" alt="BOHINEY NEWS -- A wide-aspect satirical cartoon scene in the folded-style humor of Bohiney Magazine. The setting is a luxurious fictional resort called 'Palm Splendor'. A ca- bohiney.com 1" width="640" height="364" srcset="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-aspect-satirical-cartoon-scene-in-the-folded-style-humor-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-The-setting-is-a-luxurious-fictional-resort-called-Palm-Splendor.-A-ca-bohiney.com-1-1024x583.jpg 1024w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-aspect-satirical-cartoon-scene-in-the-folded-style-humor-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-The-setting-is-a-luxurious-fictional-resort-called-Palm-Splendor.-A-ca-bohiney.com-1-300x171.jpg 300w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-aspect-satirical-cartoon-scene-in-the-folded-style-humor-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-The-setting-is-a-luxurious-fictional-resort-called-Palm-Splendor.-A-ca-bohiney.com-1-768x437.jpg 768w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-aspect-satirical-cartoon-scene-in-the-folded-style-humor-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-The-setting-is-a-luxurious-fictional-resort-called-Palm-Splendor.-A-ca-bohiney.com-1-1536x874.jpg 1536w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-aspect-satirical-cartoon-scene-in-the-folded-style-humor-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-The-setting-is-a-luxurious-fictional-resort-called-Palm-Splendor.-A-ca-bohiney.com-1.jpg 1783w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px" /></a><figcaption id="caption-attachment-10788" class="wp-caption-text"><a href="https://bohiney.com/bohiney-meaning/">BOHINEY</a> NEWS &#8212; A wide-aspect satirical cartoon scene in the folded-style <a href="https://bohiney.com/procrastination-reaches-all-time-high-experts-say-theyll-study-it-tomorrow/">humor</a> of Bohiney Magazine. The setting is a luxurious fictional resort called &#8216;Palm Splendor&#8217;.- <a href="https://bohiney.com/romance-and-rivalry-at-the-paris-games/">bohiney.com</a> </figcaption></figure>
  962. <div class="mceTemp"></div>
  963. <p>The post <a href="https://bohiney.com/trump-demands-recount/">Trump Demands Recount</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bohiney.com">Bohiney News</a>.</p>
  964. ]]></content:encoded>
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  969. </item>
  970. <item>
  971. <title>Putin Announces New Plan to ‘De-Nazify’ Mars</title>
  972. <link>https://bohiney.com/putin-announces-new-plan-to-de-nazify-mars/</link>
  974. <dc:creator><![CDATA[Annika Steinmann Journalist]]></dc:creator>
  975. <pubDate>Mon, 31 Mar 2025 14:37:02 +0000</pubDate>
  976. <category><![CDATA[Politics]]></category>
  977. <category><![CDATA[Science]]></category>
  978. <category><![CDATA[Cosmic Absurdity]]></category>
  979. <category><![CDATA[De-Nazification]]></category>
  980. <category><![CDATA[Extraterrestrial Ideologies]]></category>
  981. <category><![CDATA[Interplanetary Policy]]></category>
  982. <category><![CDATA[Kremlin]]></category>
  983. <category><![CDATA[Mars]]></category>
  984. <category><![CDATA[Political Parody]]></category>
  985. <category><![CDATA[Putin]]></category>
  986. <category><![CDATA[Satirical Sci-Fi]]></category>
  987. <category><![CDATA[Space Politics]]></category>
  988. <guid isPermaLink="false">https://bohiney.com/?p=10782</guid>
  989.  
  990. <description><![CDATA[<p>Putin Announces New Plan to ‘De-Nazify’ Mars Just in Case Extraterrestrial Ideologies Under Review In...</p>
  991. <p>The post <a href="https://bohiney.com/putin-announces-new-plan-to-de-nazify-mars/">Putin Announces New Plan to ‘De-Nazify’ Mars</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bohiney.com">Bohiney News</a>.</p>
  992. ]]></description>
  993. <content:encoded><![CDATA[<h2 class="" data-start="3531" data-end="3595"><strong data-start="3534" data-end="3595">Putin Announces New Plan to ‘De-Nazify’ Mars Just in Case</strong></h2>
  994. <h3 class="" data-start="3597" data-end="3645"><strong data-start="3601" data-end="3645">Extraterrestrial Ideologies Under Review</strong></h3>
  995. <p class="" data-start="3647" data-end="4065">In a declaration that left international pundits scratching their heads and astronomers checking their calendars, President Vladimir <a href="https://bohiney.com/mongolia-offers-red-carpet-for-putin/">Putin</a> announced an unprecedented initiative: a plan to “de-Nazify” Mars. Yes, you heard it—putting an end to potential Martian fascism before it even begins. “We cannot take any chances,” Putin stated in a press conference that felt more like a plot twist in a low-budget <a href="https://bohiney.com/elon-musks-brain/">sci-fi</a> flick.</p>
  996. <p class="" data-start="4067" data-end="4354">According to Kremlin insiders, the plan is a contingency measure. “If Earth’s <a href="https://bohiney.com/welcome-to-the-internets-echo-chamber/">political</a> chaos teaches us anything, it’s that even Mars might develop an affinity for outdated ideologies,” explained a top official using words like “strategic” and “preemptive” as if discussing the <a href="https://bohiney.com/climate-change-summit-delayed-due-to-bad-weather/">weather</a>.</p>
  997. <p class="" data-start="4356" data-end="4718">Political <a href="https://bohiney.com/santorini-the-new-hookup-hotspot/">scientists</a> have been quick to weigh in. Dr. Igor Redstar, a noted expert in interplanetary <a href="https://bohiney.com/trump-vs-harris-debate/">politics</a>, commented, “If there’s one place where totalitarian ideas could ferment, it’s on a planet with zero oversight.” In a related study, a survey of 2,000 <a href="https://bohiney.com/the-future-of-nfl-and-netflix/">space</a> enthusiasts found that 65% believed Mars had a “dark side”—and not just its lack of atmosphere.</p>
  998. <p class="" data-start="4720" data-end="5037">Critics have panned the plan as an extravagant distraction. “De-Nazifying Mars? What’s next—de-communizing Venus?” quipped one veteran journalist. Meanwhile, a series of mock polls on <a href="https://bohiney.com/these-billionaires-could-buy-tiktok/">social media</a> revealed that 78% of users were more concerned about their daily tweets than the political leanings of our <a href="https://bohiney.com/wine-not-the-athletes-guide-to-parisian-pubs/">red</a> neighbor.</p>
  999. <p class="" data-start="5039" data-end="5450">A former astronaut, now a prominent public figure, recalled, “When I saw Mars through the window of the Soyuz, I only wished for a decent Wi-Fi signal. Now, it seems we’re retrofitting the planet with ideological filters.” Even the international community is abuzz: a leading European leader remarked, “We’ve dealt with terrestrial ideologies for decades. It’s time we expand our purview to cosmic <a href="https://bohiney.com/taylor-swift-redefining-property-ownership-one-mansion-at-a-time/">real estate</a>.”</p>
  1000. <p class="" data-start="5452" data-end="5822">Despite the outcry, Putin’s plan is moving forward with <a href="https://bohiney.com/trump-unfreezes-2000-pound-bombs-for-israel/">military</a> precision—literally. The Russian Space Agency has reportedly allocated funds for robotic missions aimed at “scanning for extremist symbols” on Martian terrain. Meanwhile, <a href="https://bohiney.com/can-america-finally-admit-the-truth/">conspiracy</a> theorists on Russian forums now argue that ancient Martian ruins might have been used as <a href="https://bohiney.com/linguistic-power-grab-disguised-as-social-justice/">propaganda</a> by a lost civilization.</p>
  1001. <p class="" data-start="5824" data-end="6111">As the world grapples with the implications of planetary decontamination, one thing is clear: Mars is about to get a makeover that might rival any <a href="https://bohiney.com/donald-trump-to-save-hollywood/">Hollywood</a> CGI spectacle. And as Putin sums it up with a smirk, “Better safe than sorry—especially when your neighbor might be a space nazi.”</p>
  1002. <figure id="attachment_10783" aria-describedby="caption-attachment-10783" style="width: 640px" class="wp-caption aligncenter"><a href="https://bohiney.com/putin-announces-new-plan-to-de-nazify-mars/bohiney-news-aspect-satirical-cartoon-scene-of-mars-illustrated-in-the-exaggerated-folded-style-humor-of-bohiney-magazine-robotic-rovers-with-oversized-magnifyi-alan-nafzger-4-alan-nafzger-2/" rel="attachment wp-att-10783"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" class="size-large wp-image-10783" title="BOHINEY NEWS - -aspect, satirical cartoon scene of Mars illustrated in the exaggerated, folded-style humor of Bohiney Magazine. Robotic rovers with oversized magnifyi- Alan Nafzger 4- Alan Nafzger 2" src="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/BOHINEY-NEWS-aspect-satirical-cartoon-scene-of-Mars-illustrated-in-the-exaggerated-folded-style-humor-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Robotic-rovers-with-oversized-magnifyi-Alan-Nafzger-4-Alan-Nafzger-2-1024x585.jpg" alt="Putin Announces New Plan to ‘De-Nazify’ Mars Just in Case" width="640" height="366" srcset="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/BOHINEY-NEWS-aspect-satirical-cartoon-scene-of-Mars-illustrated-in-the-exaggerated-folded-style-humor-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Robotic-rovers-with-oversized-magnifyi-Alan-Nafzger-4-Alan-Nafzger-2-1024x585.jpg 1024w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/BOHINEY-NEWS-aspect-satirical-cartoon-scene-of-Mars-illustrated-in-the-exaggerated-folded-style-humor-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Robotic-rovers-with-oversized-magnifyi-Alan-Nafzger-4-Alan-Nafzger-2-300x171.jpg 300w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/BOHINEY-NEWS-aspect-satirical-cartoon-scene-of-Mars-illustrated-in-the-exaggerated-folded-style-humor-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Robotic-rovers-with-oversized-magnifyi-Alan-Nafzger-4-Alan-Nafzger-2-768x439.jpg 768w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/BOHINEY-NEWS-aspect-satirical-cartoon-scene-of-Mars-illustrated-in-the-exaggerated-folded-style-humor-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Robotic-rovers-with-oversized-magnifyi-Alan-Nafzger-4-Alan-Nafzger-2-1536x878.jpg 1536w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/BOHINEY-NEWS-aspect-satirical-cartoon-scene-of-Mars-illustrated-in-the-exaggerated-folded-style-humor-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Robotic-rovers-with-oversized-magnifyi-Alan-Nafzger-4-Alan-Nafzger-2.jpg 1792w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px" /></a><figcaption id="caption-attachment-10783" class="wp-caption-text"><a href="https://bohiney.com/bohiney-meaning/">BOHINEY</a> <a href="https://bohiney.com/david-muirs-narcissistic-fashion-moves-while-covering-la-wildfires/">NEWS</a> &#8211; -Putin Announces New Plan to ‘De-Nazify’ Mars Just in Case</figcaption></figure>
  1003. <p>The post <a href="https://bohiney.com/putin-announces-new-plan-to-de-nazify-mars/">Putin Announces New Plan to ‘De-Nazify’ Mars</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bohiney.com">Bohiney News</a>.</p>
  1004. ]]></content:encoded>
  1008. <media:content url="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-aspect-satirical-cartoon-scene-of-Mars-illustrated-in-the-exaggerated-folded-style-humor-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Robotic-rovers-with-oversized-magnifyi-Alan-Nafzger-3.jpg" medium="image"></media:content>
  1009. </item>
  1010. <item>
  1011. <title>Politicians Must Read Bills Before Voting</title>
  1012. <link>https://bohiney.com/politicians-must-read-bills-before-voting/</link>
  1014. <dc:creator><![CDATA[Annika Steinmann Journalist]]></dc:creator>
  1015. <pubDate>Mon, 31 Mar 2025 14:22:08 +0000</pubDate>
  1016. <category><![CDATA[Culture]]></category>
  1017. <category><![CDATA[Politics]]></category>
  1018. <category><![CDATA[Bill Reading]]></category>
  1019. <category><![CDATA[Capitol Hill]]></category>
  1020. <category><![CDATA[Congress Passes Bill Requiring All Politicians to Actually Read Bills Before Voting Congress]]></category>
  1021. <category><![CDATA[Government Reform]]></category>
  1022. <category><![CDATA[Legislative Literacy]]></category>
  1023. <category><![CDATA[Political Accountability]]></category>
  1024. <category><![CDATA[political satire]]></category>
  1025. <category><![CDATA[Politicians]]></category>
  1026. <category><![CDATA[Read-a-Lot Act]]></category>
  1027. <category><![CDATA[satirical politics]]></category>
  1028. <guid isPermaLink="false">https://bohiney.com/?p=10756</guid>
  1029.  
  1030. <description><![CDATA[<p>BREAKING: Congress Passes Bill Requiring All Politicians to Actually Read Bills Before Voting A Monumental...</p>
  1031. <p>The post <a href="https://bohiney.com/politicians-must-read-bills-before-voting/">Politicians Must Read Bills Before Voting</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bohiney.com">Bohiney News</a>.</p>
  1032. ]]></description>
  1033. <content:encoded><![CDATA[<h2 class="" data-start="172" data-end="272"><strong data-start="175" data-end="272">BREAKING: Congress Passes Bill Requiring All Politicians to Actually Read Bills Before Voting</strong></h2>
  1034. <h3 class="" data-start="274" data-end="325"><strong data-start="278" data-end="325">A Monumental Leap for Legislative Literacy?</strong></h3>
  1035. <p class="" data-start="327" data-end="760">In a move that shocked exactly no one, <a href="https://bohiney.com/remote-voting-for-moms-in-congress/">Congress</a> has passed a historic bill mandating that every elected politician must read the full text of a bill before casting their vote. Yes, you read that right—actual reading, not just the <a href="https://bohiney.com/the-biden-cover-up-story/">teleprompter</a> scroll on a loop. The measure, dubbed the “Read-a-Lot Act,” promises to revolutionize American lawmaking by ensuring that legislators know what they’re endorsing, or at least can pretend to.</p>
  1036. <p class="" data-start="762" data-end="1257">The story begins with an underdog group of frustrated <a href="https://bohiney.com/ken-martins-magical-mystery-tour/">voters</a> and a few semi-literate interns who staged a symbolic <a href="https://bohiney.com/donald-j-trumps-inaugural-address-leaked-to-the-press/">protest</a> in the <a href="https://bohiney.com/early-draft-of-donald-trumps-second-inaugural-address/">Capitol rotunda</a>. “It’s about time our representatives graduated from the ‘Cliff Notes of Legislation’,” declared local activist and self-proclaimed reading advocate, Marjorie Bookworm. According to an anonymous Congressional aide, “We tried implementing it back in 1999, but someone in the <a href="https://bohiney.com/judge-trump-is-out-and-aniston-is-in/">committee</a> accidentally glued the pages together. This time, we’re serious.”</p>
  1037. <p class="" data-start="1259" data-end="1661">Experts across the <a href="https://bohiney.com/welcome-to-the-internets-echo-chamber/">political</a> spectrum have chimed in. Dr. Penelope Page-Turner, a renowned literacy researcher, confirmed in a study published by the American Journal of Unread Documents that 87.4% of politicians skim rather than read. “Our <a href="https://bohiney.com/procrastination-study/">research</a> clearly shows that full comprehension of legal documents could actually lead to&#8230; well, informed <a href="https://bohiney.com/critical-thinking-overrated/">decision-making</a>,” she added with a twinkle in her eye.</p>
  1038. <p class="" data-start="1663" data-end="1999">An internal poll of <a href="https://bohiney.com/the-sky-is-falling-senator-murphys-cluck-tastrophe/">Capitol Hill</a> staff revealed that 73% of aides now report being forced to prepare “readable summaries” for their bosses, who claim to have “just glanced” at the bills. Meanwhile, a veteran lawmaker was overheard saying, “I always assumed the ‘fine print’ was just a myth—like honest <a href="https://bohiney.com/trump-vs-harris-debate/">politics</a> or a balanced <a href="https://bohiney.com/breakfast-upgrades-to-give-you-more-energy/">breakfast</a>.”</p>
  1039. <p class="" data-start="2001" data-end="2321">In a twist that only reality could conjure, a documentary filmmaker captured the moment of the bill’s passage. “I was there when they voted ‘aye’ after reading the entire 237-page budget proposal,” said filmmaker Randy “Reader” McScroll, whose raw footage is now the talk of both <a href="https://bohiney.com/these-billionaires-could-buy-tiktok/">social media</a> and break rooms nationwide.</p>
  1040. <p class="" data-start="2323" data-end="2648">But not everyone is celebrating. Critics argue that the measure might slow down the legislative process or, worse, expose politicians to the inconvenience of actual learning. “We fear a spike in unexpected expertise on the floor,” quipped a senior Senate aide, nervously clutching a copy of the latest economic stimulus bill.</p>
  1041. <p class="" data-start="2650" data-end="2982">Nevertheless, the “Read-a-Lot Act” is now law, and the nation waits with bated breath—or perhaps with more coffee than usual—to see if our elected officials will actually read what they’re signing off on. In the meantime, citizens are encouraged to host “Read-Aloud Parties” and share <a href="https://bohiney.com/morning-joes-trip-to-mar-a-lago/">memes</a> of politicians squinting at legal jargon.</p>
  1042. <figure id="attachment_10769" aria-describedby="caption-attachment-10769" style="width: 640px" class="wp-caption aligncenter"><a href="https://bohiney.com/politicians-must-read-bills-before-voting/bohiney-news-a-bustling-capitol-hill-scene-illustrated-in-the-exaggerated-folded-style-cartoon-humor-of-bohiney-magazine-politicians-are-crowded-around-massive-stacks-o-alan-nafzger-1/" rel="attachment wp-att-10769"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" class="size-large wp-image-10769" title="BOHINEY NEWS - A bustling Capitol Hill scene illustrated in the exaggerated, folded-style cartoon humor of Bohiney Magazine. Politicians are crowded around massive stacks o- Alan Nafzger 1" src="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-bustling-Capitol-Hill-scene-illustrated-in-the-exaggerated-folded-style-cartoon-humor-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Politicians-are-crowded-around-massive-stacks-o-Alan-Nafzger-1-1024x585.jpg" alt="BOHINEY NEWS - A bustling Capitol Hill scene illustrated in the exaggerated, folded-style cartoon humor of Bohiney Magazine. Politicians are crowded around massive stacks o- Alan Nafzger 1" width="640" height="366" srcset="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-bustling-Capitol-Hill-scene-illustrated-in-the-exaggerated-folded-style-cartoon-humor-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Politicians-are-crowded-around-massive-stacks-o-Alan-Nafzger-1-1024x585.jpg 1024w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-bustling-Capitol-Hill-scene-illustrated-in-the-exaggerated-folded-style-cartoon-humor-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Politicians-are-crowded-around-massive-stacks-o-Alan-Nafzger-1-300x171.jpg 300w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-bustling-Capitol-Hill-scene-illustrated-in-the-exaggerated-folded-style-cartoon-humor-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Politicians-are-crowded-around-massive-stacks-o-Alan-Nafzger-1-768x439.jpg 768w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-bustling-Capitol-Hill-scene-illustrated-in-the-exaggerated-folded-style-cartoon-humor-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Politicians-are-crowded-around-massive-stacks-o-Alan-Nafzger-1-1536x878.jpg 1536w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-bustling-Capitol-Hill-scene-illustrated-in-the-exaggerated-folded-style-cartoon-humor-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Politicians-are-crowded-around-massive-stacks-o-Alan-Nafzger-1.jpg 1792w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px" /></a><figcaption id="caption-attachment-10769" class="wp-caption-text"><a href="https://bohiney.com/bohiney-meaning/">BOHINEY</a> <a href="https://bohiney.com/david-muirs-narcissistic-fashion-moves-while-covering-la-wildfires/">NEWS</a> &#8211; A bustling Capitol Hill scene illustrated in the <a href="https://bohiney.com/the-future-of-nfl-and-netflix/">exaggerated</a>, folded-style cartoon <a href="https://bohiney.com/procrastination-reaches-all-time-high-experts-say-theyll-study-it-tomorrow/">humor</a> of Bohiney Magazine. Politicians are crowded around massive stacks o- <a href="https://bohiney.com/u-haul-full-of-chinese-migrants-discovered/">Alan Nafzger</a></figcaption></figure>
  1043. <p>The post <a href="https://bohiney.com/politicians-must-read-bills-before-voting/">Politicians Must Read Bills Before Voting</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bohiney.com">Bohiney News</a>.</p>
  1044. ]]></content:encoded>
  1048. <media:content url="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-bustling-Capitol-Hill-scene-illustrated-in-the-exaggerated-folded-style-cartoon-humor-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Politicians-are-crowded-around-massive-stacks-o-Alan-Nafzger-2.jpg" medium="image"></media:content>
  1049. </item>
  1050. <item>
  1051. <title>Freedom of Speech Doesn’t Apply</title>
  1052. <link>https://bohiney.com/freedom-of-speech-doesnt-apply/</link>
  1054. <dc:creator><![CDATA[Annika Steinmann Journalist]]></dc:creator>
  1055. <pubDate>Mon, 31 Mar 2025 14:08:56 +0000</pubDate>
  1056. <category><![CDATA[News]]></category>
  1057. <category><![CDATA[Politics]]></category>
  1058. <category><![CDATA[Supreme Court]]></category>
  1059. <guid isPermaLink="false">https://bohiney.com/?p=10758</guid>
  1060.  
  1061. <description><![CDATA[<p>Supreme Court Rules Freedom of Speech Doesn’t Apply to People Who Won’t Shut Up When...</p>
  1062. <p>The post <a href="https://bohiney.com/freedom-of-speech-doesnt-apply/">Freedom of Speech Doesn’t Apply</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bohiney.com">Bohiney News</a>.</p>
  1063. ]]></description>
  1064. <content:encoded><![CDATA[<h2 class="" data-start="6630" data-end="6716"><strong data-start="6633" data-end="6716">Supreme Court Rules Freedom of Speech Doesn’t Apply to People Who Won’t Shut Up</strong></h2>
  1065. <h3 class="" data-start="6718" data-end="6761"><strong data-start="6722" data-end="6761">When Silence Is the New Free Speech</strong></h3>
  1066. <p class="" data-start="6763" data-end="7180">In an eyebrow-raising decision that has legal scholars gasping and chatty citizens scrambling for cover, the Supreme Court has ruled that freedom of <a href="https://bohiney.com/donald-j-trumps-inaugural-address-leaked-to-the-press/">speech</a> is not a right for those who simply won’t shut up. The landmark decision—issued with a side-eye by the justices—declares that incessant, unsolicited commentary can be grounds for <a href="https://bohiney.com/mark-zuckerbergs-libertarian-awakening/">censorship</a>, effectively putting a lid on those who abuse the <a href="https://bohiney.com/hunter-biden-receives-pardon/">privilege</a> of talking.</p>
  1067. <p class="" data-start="7182" data-end="7593">Legal experts are divided. <a href="https://bohiney.com/area-cow-declared-professor-at-msu-after-winning-popularity-contest/">Professor</a> Linda Loquacity of the University of Verbal Excess commented, “This ruling is both a relief and a nightmare. It’s a relief for <a href="https://bohiney.com/7-ways-intelligent-introverts-see-the-world-differently/">introverts</a> everywhere and a nightmare for anyone who’s ever tried to win an argument on <a href="https://bohiney.com/these-billionaires-could-buy-tiktok/">social media</a>.” A recent poll by the National Bureau of Nonstop Chatter revealed that 82% of Americans wish for a “mute button” for at least one noisy relative.</p>
  1068. <p class="" data-start="7595" data-end="7992">The decision came after a high-profile case involving a notorious talkative citizen—dubbed “The Yapper”—who held uninterrupted public rants on every conceivable topic, from the nutritional value of kale to the proper way to load a dishwasher. Eyewitnesses reported that by the time he finished his 3-hour monologue, dinner had long been forgotten and local pets had begun to file <a href="https://bohiney.com/reality-sets-in-during-first-monday-of-congestion-pricing/">noise complaints</a>.</p>
  1069. <p class="" data-start="7994" data-end="8468">In an opinion penned by Justice Quietus, the Court stated, “The right to <a href="https://bohiney.com/biden-declares-equal-rights-amendment-ratified-because-he-said-so/">free speech</a> is not a license for ceaseless blathering that disrupts the <a href="https://bohiney.com/tulsi-gabbard/">peace</a> of our public discourse. Sometimes, silence is golden, and in this case, it’s constitutionally required.” In support of the ruling, expert testimonies were presented, including that of Dr. Simon Mute—a renowned sociologist—who cited studies showing that prolonged, unfiltered speech can lead to collective <a href="https://bohiney.com/laziness-does-not-exist/">decision fatigue</a>.</p>
  1070. <p class="" data-start="8470" data-end="8799">Critics argue that the ruling sets a dangerous precedent, one that might limit spirited <a href="https://bohiney.com/did-kamala-harris-trick-biden-into-early-debate/">debate</a>. “What’s next, outlawing bad puns or cheesy <a href="https://bohiney.com/welcome-to-the-internets-echo-chamber/">political</a> slogans?” asked a dissenting Justice in a tone that echoed the groans of <a href="https://bohiney.com/trump-unfreezes-2000-pound-bombs-for-israel/">late-night</a> <a href="https://bohiney.com/winter-storm/">comedians</a>. Yet supporters hail it as a long-overdue intervention in a society drowning in noise.</p>
  1071. <p class="" data-start="8801" data-end="9118">As the ruling takes effect, public spaces are already adapting. Libraries, cafes, and even sports arenas have installed “Quiet Zones” where loud talkers are politely escorted to a designated “Vent Room.” A viral video of an overenthusiastic sports fan being gently but firmly silenced has already hit 2 million views.</p>
  1072. <p class="" data-start="9120" data-end="9371">While some citizens celebrate the newfound right to peace and quiet, others worry about the slippery slope of enforced silence. But for now, the Court’s decision stands—a bold reminder that sometimes the most powerful speech is the one you never hear.</p>
  1073. <div class="text-base my-auto mx-auto py-5 px-6">
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  1075. <div class="group/conversation-turn relative flex w-full min-w-0 flex-col agent-turn @xs/thread:px-0 @sm/thread:px-1.5 @md/thread:px-4">
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  1077. <div class="flex max-w-full flex-col flex-grow">
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  1079. <div class="flex">
  1080. <div role="button">
  1081. <div class="relative group/dalle-image aspect-[7/4] overflow-hidden rounded-2xl">
  1082. <div class="relative h-full">
  1083. <div class="mceTemp"></div>
  1084. <figure id="attachment_10767" aria-describedby="caption-attachment-10767" style="width: 640px" class="wp-caption aligncenter"><a href="https://bohiney.com/freedom-of-speech-doesnt-apply/bohiney-news-a-dynamic-wide-aspect-cartoon-scene-in-the-exaggerated-folded-style-humor-of-bohiney-magazine-a-packed-public-forum-is-filled-with-overly-animated-chatte-alan-nafzger-2/" rel="attachment wp-att-10767"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" class="size-large wp-image-10767" title="BOHINEY NEWS - A dynamic, wide-aspect cartoon scene in the exaggerated, folded-style humor of Bohiney Magazine. A packed public forum is filled with overly animated, chatte- Alan Nafzger 2" src="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-dynamic-wide-aspect-cartoon-scene-in-the-exaggerated-folded-style-humor-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-A-packed-public-forum-is-filled-with-overly-animated-chatte-Alan-Nafzger-2-1024x583.jpg" alt="BOHINEY NEWS - A dynamic, wide-aspect cartoon scene in the exaggerated, folded-style humor of Bohiney Magazine. A packed public forum is filled with overly animated, chatte- Alan Nafzger 2" width="640" height="364" srcset="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-dynamic-wide-aspect-cartoon-scene-in-the-exaggerated-folded-style-humor-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-A-packed-public-forum-is-filled-with-overly-animated-chatte-Alan-Nafzger-2-1024x583.jpg 1024w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-dynamic-wide-aspect-cartoon-scene-in-the-exaggerated-folded-style-humor-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-A-packed-public-forum-is-filled-with-overly-animated-chatte-Alan-Nafzger-2-300x171.jpg 300w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-dynamic-wide-aspect-cartoon-scene-in-the-exaggerated-folded-style-humor-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-A-packed-public-forum-is-filled-with-overly-animated-chatte-Alan-Nafzger-2-768x438.jpg 768w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-dynamic-wide-aspect-cartoon-scene-in-the-exaggerated-folded-style-humor-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-A-packed-public-forum-is-filled-with-overly-animated-chatte-Alan-Nafzger-2-1536x875.jpg 1536w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-dynamic-wide-aspect-cartoon-scene-in-the-exaggerated-folded-style-humor-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-A-packed-public-forum-is-filled-with-overly-animated-chatte-Alan-Nafzger-2.jpg 1792w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px" /></a><figcaption id="caption-attachment-10767" class="wp-caption-text"><a href="https://bohiney.com/bohiney-meaning/">BOHINEY</a> <a href="https://bohiney.com/david-muirs-narcissistic-fashion-moves-while-covering-la-wildfires/">NEWS</a> &#8211; A dynamic, wide-aspect cartoon scene in the <a href="https://bohiney.com/the-future-of-nfl-and-netflix/">exaggerated</a>, folded-style <a href="https://bohiney.com/trump-vs-harris-debate/">humor</a> of Bohiney Magazine. A packed public forum is filled with overly animated, chatte&#8230;- <a href="https://bohiney.com/u-haul-full-of-chinese-migrants-discovered/">Alan Nafzger</a> </figcaption></figure>
  1085. <p>&nbsp;</p>
  1086. <figure id="attachment_10766" aria-describedby="caption-attachment-10766" style="width: 640px" class="wp-caption aligncenter"><a href="https://bohiney.com/freedom-of-speech-doesnt-apply/bohiney-news-a-dynamic-wide-aspect-cartoon-scene-in-the-exaggerated-folded-style-humor-of-bohiney-magazine-a-packed-public-forum-is-filled-with-overly-animated-chatte-alan-nafzger-1/" rel="attachment wp-att-10766"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" class="size-large wp-image-10766" title="BOHINEY NEWS - A dynamic, wide-aspect cartoon scene in the exaggerated, folded-style humor of Bohiney Magazine. A packed public forum is filled with overly animated, chatte- Alan Nafzger 1" src="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-dynamic-wide-aspect-cartoon-scene-in-the-exaggerated-folded-style-humor-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-A-packed-public-forum-is-filled-with-overly-animated-chatte-Alan-Nafzger-1-1024x583.jpg" alt="BOHINEY NEWS - A dynamic, wide-aspect cartoon scene in the exaggerated, folded-style humor of Bohiney Magazine. A packed public forum is filled with overly animated, chatte- Alan Nafzger 1" width="640" height="364" srcset="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-dynamic-wide-aspect-cartoon-scene-in-the-exaggerated-folded-style-humor-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-A-packed-public-forum-is-filled-with-overly-animated-chatte-Alan-Nafzger-1-1024x583.jpg 1024w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-dynamic-wide-aspect-cartoon-scene-in-the-exaggerated-folded-style-humor-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-A-packed-public-forum-is-filled-with-overly-animated-chatte-Alan-Nafzger-1-300x171.jpg 300w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-dynamic-wide-aspect-cartoon-scene-in-the-exaggerated-folded-style-humor-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-A-packed-public-forum-is-filled-with-overly-animated-chatte-Alan-Nafzger-1-768x438.jpg 768w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-dynamic-wide-aspect-cartoon-scene-in-the-exaggerated-folded-style-humor-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-A-packed-public-forum-is-filled-with-overly-animated-chatte-Alan-Nafzger-1-1536x875.jpg 1536w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-dynamic-wide-aspect-cartoon-scene-in-the-exaggerated-folded-style-humor-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-A-packed-public-forum-is-filled-with-overly-animated-chatte-Alan-Nafzger-1.jpg 1792w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px" /></a><figcaption id="caption-attachment-10766" class="wp-caption-text">BOHINEY NEWS &#8211; A dynamic, wide-aspect cartoon scene in the exaggerated, folded-style humor of Bohiney Magazine. A packed public forum is filled with overly animated, chatte&#8230;- Alan Nafzger </figcaption></figure>
  1087. <p>&nbsp;</p>
  1088. <div class="pointer-events-none absolute inset-0 rounded-2xl shadow-[inset_0_0_0_1px_rgba(0,0,0,0.1)] dark:shadow-[inset_0_0_0_1px_rgba(255,255,255,0.1)] group-hover/dalle-image:bg-transparent"></div>
  1089. </div>
  1090. </div>
  1091. </div>
  1092. </div>
  1093. </div>
  1094. <div class="text-md flex flex-row items-center py-2 text-token-text-tertiary"></div>
  1095. </div>
  1096. </div>
  1097. </div>
  1098. </div>
  1099. </div>
  1100. <p>The post <a href="https://bohiney.com/freedom-of-speech-doesnt-apply/">Freedom of Speech Doesn’t Apply</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bohiney.com">Bohiney News</a>.</p>
  1101. ]]></content:encoded>
  1105. <media:content url="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-dynamic-wide-aspect-cartoon-scene-in-the-exaggerated-folded-style-humor-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-A-crowded-public-forum-filled-with-overly-animated-chatty-c-Alan-Nafzger-5.webp" medium="image"></media:content>
  1106. </item>
  1107. <item>
  1108. <title>You Won’t Believe What Happens Next!</title>
  1109. <link>https://bohiney.com/you-wont-believe-what-happens-next/</link>
  1111. <dc:creator><![CDATA[Annika Steinmann Journalist]]></dc:creator>
  1112. <pubDate>Mon, 31 Mar 2025 13:17:34 +0000</pubDate>
  1113. <category><![CDATA[Culture]]></category>
  1114. <category><![CDATA[Amy Schumer satire]]></category>
  1115. <category><![CDATA[clickbait satire]]></category>
  1116. <category><![CDATA[digital manipulation]]></category>
  1117. <category><![CDATA[Facebook satire]]></category>
  1118. <category><![CDATA[fake news comedy]]></category>
  1119. <category><![CDATA[funny clickbait headlines]]></category>
  1120. <category><![CDATA[ironic journalism]]></category>
  1121. <category><![CDATA[Jerry Seinfeld jokes]]></category>
  1122. <category><![CDATA[misleading headlines]]></category>
  1123. <category><![CDATA[online disappointment]]></category>
  1124. <category><![CDATA[Ron White humor]]></category>
  1125. <category><![CDATA[satire on internet culture]]></category>
  1126. <category><![CDATA[Satirical News]]></category>
  1127. <category><![CDATA[viral lies]]></category>
  1128. <category><![CDATA[viral media parody]]></category>
  1129. <guid isPermaLink="false">https://bohiney.com/?p=10748</guid>
  1130.  
  1131. <description><![CDATA[<p>BREAKING: “You Won’t Believe What Happens Next!” (Spoiler: Still Nothing. But Also Maybe Taxes.) By...</p>
  1132. <p>The post <a href="https://bohiney.com/you-wont-believe-what-happens-next/">You Won’t Believe What Happens Next!</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bohiney.com">Bohiney News</a>.</p>
  1133. ]]></description>
  1134. <content:encoded><![CDATA[<h2 class="" data-start="342" data-end="395">BREAKING: “You Won’t Believe What Happens Next!”</h2>
  1135. <h3 data-start="396" data-end="453"><em data-start="396" data-end="451">(Spoiler: Still Nothing. But Also Maybe Taxes.)</em></h3>
  1136. <p class="" data-start="455" data-end="522"><strong data-start="455" data-end="520">By Barbie McHonesty, Senior Satirical <a href="https://bohiney.com/david-muirs-narcissistic-fashion-moves-while-covering-la-wildfires/">News</a> Analyst, <a href="https://bohiney.com/bohiney-meaning/">Bohiney</a>.com</strong></p>
  1137. <h3 class="" data-start="524" data-end="568">The Lie That Launched a Million Clicks</h3>
  1138. <p class="" data-start="570" data-end="936">WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a revelation that stunned absolutely no one except a guy named Phil who just woke up from a coma he entered during the <a href="https://bohiney.com/chicagos-deportation-drama/">Ice</a> Bucket Challenge era, America’s most recycled headline — <em data-start="772" data-end="812">“You Won’t Believe What Happens Next!”</em> — has officially been classified by researchers as <strong data-start="864" data-end="935">a non-event wrapped in a mystery box full of <a href="https://bohiney.com/toxic-relationships/">emotional manipulation</a></strong>.</p>
  1139. <p class="" data-start="938" data-end="1117">After a grueling six-second investigation — powered by seven interns, three expired <a href="https://bohiney.com/wine-not-the-athletes-guide-to-parisian-pubs/">Red</a> Bulls, and one <a href="https://bohiney.com/self-driving-cars-demand-union-rights-threaten-to-strike/">AI</a> that quit mid-click — journalists at <strong data-start="1081" data-end="1096"><a href="https://bohiney.com/romance-and-rivalry-at-the-paris-games/">Bohiney.com</a></strong> confirmed the worst:</p>
  1140. <blockquote data-start="1119" data-end="1148">
  1141. <p class="" data-start="1121" data-end="1148"><strong data-start="1121" data-end="1148">Nothing. Happens. Next.</strong></p>
  1142. </blockquote>
  1143. <p class="" data-start="1150" data-end="1292">Unless you count a mildly offensive ad for reverse mortgages and a close-up of a mole that <em data-start="1241" data-end="1292">“might be <a href="https://bohiney.com/the-fda-banned-red-3-food-coloring/">cancer</a> but could also be a baked bean.”</em></p>
  1144. <h3 class="" data-start="1294" data-end="1329">The Evidence No One Asked For</h3>
  1145. <p class="" data-start="1331" data-end="1532">Lead researcher <strong data-start="1347" data-end="1370">Karen Clickensworth</strong>, a former BuzzFeed employee turned <a href="https://bohiney.com/gabbards-hearing-turns-tense-over-snowden-questions/">whistleblower</a> (and Etsy llama-themed sock magnate), described the <a href="https://bohiney.com/meghan-markle-shattering-prince-harrys-trust/">betrayal</a> with tears welling in her blue-light-fatigued eyes.</p>
  1146. <blockquote data-start="1534" data-end="1748">
  1147. <p class="" data-start="1536" data-end="1748"><em data-start="1536" data-end="1746">“We clicked on 4,732 articles, including ‘This Grandma’s Last Words Will Haunt You Forever,’ and all we got was an ad for teeth whitener and a reminder that Grandma’s still alive and doing Zumba in Sarasota.”</em></p>
  1148. </blockquote>
  1149. <p class="" data-start="1750" data-end="1801">Among the most revealing findings from their study:</p>
  1150. <ul data-start="1803" data-end="2194">
  1151. <li class="" data-start="1803" data-end="1927">
  1152. <p class="" data-start="1805" data-end="1927"><strong data-start="1805" data-end="1812">84%</strong> of “unbelievable stories” begin with a stock image of a woman holding her face like she just saw her credit score.</p>
  1153. </li>
  1154. <li class="" data-start="1928" data-end="1986">
  1155. <p class="" data-start="1930" data-end="1986"><strong data-start="1930" data-end="1937">67%</strong> lead to a video that auto-plays at 120 decibels.</p>
  1156. </li>
  1157. <li class="" data-start="1987" data-end="2085">
  1158. <p class="" data-start="1989" data-end="2085"><strong data-start="1989" data-end="1999">1 in 5</strong> pages use more slide transitions than a <a href="https://bohiney.com/high-school-introduces-sarcasm-101-to-prepare-students-for-real-world/">high school</a> <a href="https://bohiney.com/anne-marshall-resigns-in-defeat/">PowerPoint</a> about Abraham Lincoln.</p>
  1159. </li>
  1160. <li class="" data-start="2086" data-end="2194">
  1161. <p class="" data-start="2088" data-end="2194"><strong data-start="2088" data-end="2096">100%</strong> resulted in the phrase “Just one more page!” being followed by “Just kidding, we sold your data.”</p>
  1162. </li>
  1163. </ul>
  1164. <h3 class="" data-start="2196" data-end="2227">A Nation Betrayed (Again)</h3>
  1165. <p class="" data-start="2229" data-end="2439"><a href="https://bohiney.com/nicolas-maduro/">Protests</a> broke out across <a href="https://bohiney.com/rfk-jr-to-debate-bill-gates/">Silicon Valley</a> this morning, with demonstrators hurling expired <a href="https://bohiney.com/huffposts-guide-to-clickbait-journalism/">clickbait</a> headlines at the Googleplex. The <a href="https://bohiney.com/how-can-something-be-ngo-if-the-government-is-paying/">protest</a> group, <strong data-start="2377" data-end="2415">Citizens for Honest Disappointment</strong>, carried signs reading:</p>
  1166. <ul data-start="2441" data-end="2610">
  1167. <li class="" data-start="2441" data-end="2470">
  1168. <p class="" data-start="2443" data-end="2470"><em data-start="2443" data-end="2468">“We Demand the ‘Next’!”</em></p>
  1169. </li>
  1170. <li class="" data-start="2471" data-end="2529">
  1171. <p class="" data-start="2473" data-end="2529"><em data-start="2473" data-end="2527">“Clickbait Ruined My Marriage (Details in Slide 14)”</em></p>
  1172. </li>
  1173. <li class="" data-start="2530" data-end="2610">
  1174. <p class="" data-start="2532" data-end="2610"><em data-start="2532" data-end="2610">“I Waited 45 Minutes to Learn That <a href="https://bohiney.com/harvey-weinstein-the-real-victim/">Gwyneth Paltrow</a> Was Just Tired That Day!”</em></p>
  1175. </li>
  1176. </ul>
  1177. <p class="" data-start="2612" data-end="2737">One traumatized user, 34-year-old <strong data-start="2646" data-end="2664">Mark Hammilson</strong> (no relation to Luke, but arguably more emotionally scarred), recounted:</p>
  1178. <blockquote data-start="2739" data-end="3021">
  1179. <p class="" data-start="2741" data-end="3021"><em data-start="2741" data-end="3021">“The headline said, ‘This Man Ate a Banana Every Day — What Happened Next Will Shock You!’ After 17 pages, the only thing that shocked me was that I still hadn’t pooped. Turns out what happened next was… nothing. He just kept eating bananas. Like a potassium-driven psychopath.”</em></p>
  1180. </blockquote>
  1181. <h3 class="" data-start="3023" data-end="3074">Big Clickbait: “We Regret Absolutely Nothing”</h3>
  1182. <p class="" data-start="3076" data-end="3285">In a joint statement from several major clickbait syndicates including <strong data-start="3147" data-end="3159">ZorkFeed</strong>, <strong data-start="3161" data-end="3175">ClickoBuzz</strong>, and <strong data-start="3181" data-end="3207">DefinitelyRealNews.net</strong>, executives defended their practices, comparing their misleading titles to&#8230;</p>
  1183. <blockquote data-start="3287" data-end="3397">
  1184. <p class="" data-start="3289" data-end="3397"><strong data-start="3289" data-end="3397">“The fine print on a gym contract: legally vague, morally optional, and basically impossible to escape.”</strong></p>
  1185. </blockquote>
  1186. <p class="" data-start="3399" data-end="3641">They even invoked <strong data-start="3417" data-end="3442"><a href="https://bohiney.com/amsterdam-comedy-club-cancels-israeli-stand-up/">freedom of expression</a></strong>, claiming the phrase <em data-start="3464" data-end="3504">“You won’t believe what happens next!”</em> is protected under the <a href="https://bohiney.com/the-white-house-declares-war-on-censorship/">First Amendment</a>, <em data-start="3545" data-end="3641">“right next to yelling ‘FIRE!’ in a crowded theater or calling an almond milk latte ‘coffee.’”</em></p>
  1187. <h3 class="" data-start="3643" data-end="3709">Facebook Unveils New Algorithm: <strong data-start="3679" data-end="3707">Surprise Disappointment<img src="https://s.w.org/images/core/emoji/15.0.3/72x72/2122.png" alt="™" class="wp-smiley" style="height: 1em; max-height: 1em;" /></strong></h3>
  1188. <p class="" data-start="3711" data-end="3860">To address growing public mistrust, <a href="https://bohiney.com/mark-zuckerbergs-libertarian-awakening/">Facebook</a> has promised greater <a href="https://bohiney.com/zelenskys-self-accusation-circus/">transparency</a> by developing the <strong data-start="3808" data-end="3847">“Surprise Disappointment Algorithm”</strong>, which will:</p>
  1189. <ol data-start="3862" data-end="4035">
  1190. <li class="" data-start="3862" data-end="3899">
  1191. <p class="" data-start="3865" data-end="3899">Promise life-changing revelations.</p>
  1192. </li>
  1193. <li class="" data-start="3900" data-end="3938">
  1194. <p class="" data-start="3903" data-end="3938">Deliver 22 seconds of loading time.</p>
  1195. </li>
  1196. <li class="" data-start="3939" data-end="4035">
  1197. <p class="" data-start="3942" data-end="4035">Conclude with the words: <em data-start="3967" data-end="4035">“You’ll never guess what happened… because we’re not telling you.”</em></p>
  1198. </li>
  1199. </ol>
  1200. <p class="" data-start="4037" data-end="4195">Beta testing has already led to <strong data-start="4069" data-end="4103">3,000 spontaneous phone throws</strong>, <strong data-start="4105" data-end="4127">11 cracked screens</strong>, and one elderly man in Topeka asking Siri to “fight the <a href="https://bohiney.com/welcome-to-the-internets-echo-chamber/">internet</a>.”</p>
  1201. <h3 class="" data-start="4197" data-end="4266">What <em data-start="4206" data-end="4216">Actually</em> Happens Next? (Spoiler: Mild Existential Dread)</h3>
  1202. <p class="" data-start="4268" data-end="4350"><a href="https://bohiney.com/trump-2-0-the-art-of-the-steal/">Media</a> scholars and one very lonely guy with a podcast agree on the likely fallout:</p>
  1203. <ul data-start="4352" data-end="4885">
  1204. <li class="" data-start="4352" data-end="4483">
  1205. <p class="" data-start="4354" data-end="4483"><strong data-start="4354" data-end="4376">Absolutely nothing</strong> will <a href="https://bohiney.com/donald-j-trumps-inaugural-address-leaked-to-the-press/">change</a>. Humanity, as studies show, <strong data-start="4417" data-end="4480">loves being duped if it means momentary escape from reality</strong>.</p>
  1206. </li>
  1207. <li class="" data-start="4484" data-end="4750">
  1208. <p class="" data-start="4486" data-end="4554">Clickbait will evolve. The next generation of headlines may include:</p>
  1209. <ul data-start="4557" data-end="4750">
  1210. <li class="" data-start="4557" data-end="4648">
  1211. <p class="" data-start="4559" data-end="4648">“She Blinked Once at a <a href="https://bohiney.com/god-made-taco-bell/">Taco Bell</a> — What She Saw Next Changed <a href="https://bohiney.com/ai-now-generating-laws-congress-declares-itself-non-essential/">Government</a> <a href="https://bohiney.com/climate-change-summit-delayed-due-to-bad-weather/">Policy</a> Forever”</p>
  1212. </li>
  1213. <li class="" data-start="4651" data-end="4704">
  1214. <p class="" data-start="4653" data-end="4704">“You’ll Cry, Then Laugh, Then Question Democracy”</p>
  1215. </li>
  1216. <li class="" data-start="4707" data-end="4750">
  1217. <p class="" data-start="4709" data-end="4750">“This One Weird Mole Cured My Depression”</p>
  1218. </li>
  1219. </ul>
  1220. </li>
  1221. <li class="" data-start="4752" data-end="4885">
  1222. <p class="" data-start="4754" data-end="4885">New Yorkers will continue clicking while standing in line for bagels, unaware that their grandchildren are being named after fonts.</p>
  1223. </li>
  1224. </ul>
  1225. <blockquote data-start="4887" data-end="5128">
  1226. <p class="" data-start="4889" data-end="5128"><em data-start="4889" data-end="4935">“It’s like emotional whiplash for the soul,”</em> said Dr. Linda Scrollsworth, <a href="https://bohiney.com/area-cow-declared-professor-at-msu-after-winning-popularity-contest/">Professor</a> of Click Studies at DeVry <a href="https://bohiney.com/buying-happiness-online-does-free-shipping-include-joy/">Online</a> College of Media Trauma. <em data-start="5033" data-end="5128">“We’ve conditioned people to expect payoff, but all we give them is… ads for colon cleanses.”</em></p>
  1227. </blockquote>
  1228. <figure id="attachment_10752" aria-describedby="caption-attachment-10752" style="width: 640px" class="wp-caption aligncenter"><a href="https://bohiney.com/you-wont-believe-what-happens-next/bohiney-news-a-satirical-protest-outside-the-buzzfeed-headquarters-illustrated-in-the-exaggerated-detail-overloaded-humor-style-of-bohiney-magazine-angry-citizens-hold-alan-nafzger-3/" rel="attachment wp-att-10752"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" class="size-large wp-image-10752" title="BOHINEY NEWS - A satirical protest outside the BuzzFeed headquarters, illustrated in the exaggerated, detail-overloaded humor style of Bohiney Magazine. Angry citizens hold- Alan Nafzger 3" src="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-satirical-protest-outside-the-BuzzFeed-headquarters-illustrated-in-the-exaggerated-detail-overloaded-humor-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Angry-citizens-hold-Alan-Nafzger-3-1024x585.jpg" alt="BOHINEY NEWS - A satirical protest outside the BuzzFeed headquarters, illustrated in the exaggerated, detail-overloaded humor style of Bohiney Magazine. Angry citizens hold- Alan Nafzger 3" width="640" height="366" srcset="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-satirical-protest-outside-the-BuzzFeed-headquarters-illustrated-in-the-exaggerated-detail-overloaded-humor-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Angry-citizens-hold-Alan-Nafzger-3-1024x585.jpg 1024w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-satirical-protest-outside-the-BuzzFeed-headquarters-illustrated-in-the-exaggerated-detail-overloaded-humor-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Angry-citizens-hold-Alan-Nafzger-3-300x171.jpg 300w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-satirical-protest-outside-the-BuzzFeed-headquarters-illustrated-in-the-exaggerated-detail-overloaded-humor-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Angry-citizens-hold-Alan-Nafzger-3-768x439.jpg 768w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-satirical-protest-outside-the-BuzzFeed-headquarters-illustrated-in-the-exaggerated-detail-overloaded-humor-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Angry-citizens-hold-Alan-Nafzger-3-1536x878.jpg 1536w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-satirical-protest-outside-the-BuzzFeed-headquarters-illustrated-in-the-exaggerated-detail-overloaded-humor-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Angry-citizens-hold-Alan-Nafzger-3.jpg 1792w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px" /></a><figcaption id="caption-attachment-10752" class="wp-caption-text">BOHINEY NEWS &#8211; A satirical protest outside the BuzzFeed headquarters, illustrated in the <a href="https://bohiney.com/the-future-of-nfl-and-netflix/">exaggerated</a>, detail-overloaded <a href="https://bohiney.com/trump-vs-harris-debate/">humor</a> style of Bohiney Magazine. Angry citizens hold&#8230; &#8211; <a href="https://bohiney.com/u-haul-full-of-chinese-migrants-discovered/">Alan Nafzger</a> </figcaption></figure>
  1229. <h3 class="" data-start="5130" data-end="5168">What the Funny People Are Saying</h3>
  1230. <p class="" data-start="5170" data-end="5342"><em data-start="5170" data-end="5326">&#8220;I clicked that article about the guy who slept with a snake. Turned out the ‘snake’ was just his mother-in-law. Now I need therapy and a <a href="https://bohiney.com/how-to-divorce-a-dictator/">divorce</a> lawyer.&#8221;</em> — <strong data-start="5329" data-end="5342"><a href="https://bohiney.com/tech-entrepreneur-trapped-in-circling-self-driving-car/">Ron White</a></strong></p>
  1231. <p class="" data-start="5344" data-end="5550"><em data-start="5344" data-end="5529">&#8220;They told me, ‘This baby goat did something you won’t believe.’ It pooped. That’s it. It pooped. I believe it. I’ve pooped. Millions have pooped. That’s not a twist, that’s biology.&#8221;</em> — <strong data-start="5532" data-end="5550"><a href="https://bohiney.com/hoda-and-jenna/">Jerry Seinfeld</a></strong></p>
  1232. <p class="" data-start="5552" data-end="5695"><em data-start="5552" data-end="5677">&#8220;‘You won’t believe what happens next’? How about, ‘You won’t believe you’re still unemployed after clicking 40 of these.’&#8221;</em> — <strong data-start="5680" data-end="5695"><a href="https://bohiney.com/sodom-and-gomorrah-found-in-pacific-palisades-ca/">Amy Schumer</a></strong></p>
  1233. <h3 class="" data-start="5697" data-end="5740">Helpful Content for Our Loyal Readers</h3>
  1234. <h4 class="" data-start="5741" data-end="5788">How to Survive the Clickbait Apocalypse:</h4>
  1235. <ol data-start="5790" data-end="6352">
  1236. <li class="" data-start="5790" data-end="5887">
  1237. <p class="" data-start="5793" data-end="5887"><strong data-start="5793" data-end="5824">Develop trust issues early.</strong> This way, you&#8217;ll never believe the next slide is <em data-start="5874" data-end="5887">“worth it.”</em></p>
  1238. </li>
  1239. <li class="" data-start="5888" data-end="6036">
  1240. <p class="" data-start="5891" data-end="6036"><strong data-start="5891" data-end="5928">Treat headlines like <a href="https://bohiney.com/hawk-tuah-girl-in-a-romantic-sahara/">Tinder</a> bios.</strong> If they say “fun, exciting, and adventurous,” assume they mean “confusing, desperate, and full of <a href="https://bohiney.com/did-iran-hack-trumps-campaign/">malware</a>.”</p>
  1241. </li>
  1242. <li class="" data-start="6037" data-end="6136">
  1243. <p class="" data-start="6040" data-end="6136"><strong data-start="6040" data-end="6066">Use the 3-Second Rule.</strong> If it doesn’t load faster than your microwave <a href="https://bohiney.com/mike-mccarthys-insane-contract-demands/">popcorn</a>, abort mission.</p>
  1244. </li>
  1245. <li class="" data-start="6137" data-end="6256">
  1246. <p class="" data-start="6140" data-end="6256"><strong data-start="6140" data-end="6182">Install the Bohiney Browser Extension.</strong> It turns all “You Won’t Believe” headlines into “You’ll Deeply Regret.”</p>
  1247. </li>
  1248. <li class="" data-start="6257" data-end="6352">
  1249. <p class="" data-start="6260" data-end="6352"><strong data-start="6260" data-end="6352">Ask yourself: Would Ron White click this? If yes, then close your laptop and go outside.</strong></p>
  1250. </li>
  1251. </ol>
  1252. <hr class="" data-start="6354" data-end="6357" />
  1253. <h2 class="" data-start="6359" data-end="6413">Final Verdict: The Click Heard Around the Nothing</h2>
  1254. <p class="" data-start="6415" data-end="6616">As the digital smog clears, and millions come to terms with being emotionally catfished by pixels and punctuation, one fact remains:<br data-start="6547" data-end="6550" /><strong data-start="6550" data-end="6595">You believed something would happen next.</strong><br data-start="6595" data-end="6598" /><strong data-start="6598" data-end="6616">That’s on you.</strong></p>
  1255. <hr class="" data-start="6618" data-end="6621" />
  1256. <h2 class="" data-start="6623" data-end="6635">UPDATE:</h2>
  1257. <p class="" data-start="6637" data-end="6802">If you’ve read this far, congratulations. You’ve unlocked our exclusive <strong data-start="6709" data-end="6730">Nothingburger <a href="https://bohiney.com/president-biden-announces-plan-to-cut-national-debt-by-turning-it-into-an-nft/">NFT</a></strong> — a .jpeg of an empty plate signed by “Definitely Not <a href="https://bohiney.com/these-billionaires-could-buy-tiktok/">Mark Zuckerberg</a>.”</p>
  1258. <hr class="" data-start="6804" data-end="6807" />
  1259. <h2 class="" data-start="6809" data-end="6825">Disclaimer:</h2>
  1260. <p class="" data-start="6827" data-end="7051"><em>This article is a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings — the world’s oldest tenured professor and a 20-year-old philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No AIs were harmed in the making of this disappointment.</em></p>
  1261. <hr class="" data-start="7053" data-end="7056" />
  1262. <figure id="attachment_10751" aria-describedby="caption-attachment-10751" style="width: 640px" class="wp-caption aligncenter"><a href="https://bohiney.com/you-wont-believe-what-happens-next/bohiney-news-a-chaotic-newsroom-drawn-in-the-exaggerated-satirical-style-of-bohiney-magazine-exhausted-interns-are-hooked-up-to-ivs-labeled-caffeine-furiously-clicki-alan-nafzger-2/" rel="attachment wp-att-10751"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" class="size-large wp-image-10751" title="BOHINEY NEWS - A chaotic newsroom drawn in the exaggerated, satirical style of Bohiney Magazine. Exhausted interns are hooked up to IVs labeled 'Caffeine', furiously clicki- Alan Nafzger 2" src="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-chaotic-newsroom-drawn-in-the-exaggerated-satirical-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Exhausted-interns-are-hooked-up-to-IVs-labeled-Caffeine-furiously-clicki-Alan-Nafzger-2-1024x585.jpg" alt="BOHINEY NEWS - A chaotic newsroom drawn in the exaggerated, satirical style of Bohiney Magazine. Exhausted interns are hooked up to IVs labeled 'Caffeine', furiously clicki- Alan Nafzger 2" width="640" height="366" srcset="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-chaotic-newsroom-drawn-in-the-exaggerated-satirical-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Exhausted-interns-are-hooked-up-to-IVs-labeled-Caffeine-furiously-clicki-Alan-Nafzger-2-1024x585.jpg 1024w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-chaotic-newsroom-drawn-in-the-exaggerated-satirical-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Exhausted-interns-are-hooked-up-to-IVs-labeled-Caffeine-furiously-clicki-Alan-Nafzger-2-300x171.jpg 300w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-chaotic-newsroom-drawn-in-the-exaggerated-satirical-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Exhausted-interns-are-hooked-up-to-IVs-labeled-Caffeine-furiously-clicki-Alan-Nafzger-2-768x439.jpg 768w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-chaotic-newsroom-drawn-in-the-exaggerated-satirical-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Exhausted-interns-are-hooked-up-to-IVs-labeled-Caffeine-furiously-clicki-Alan-Nafzger-2-1536x878.jpg 1536w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-chaotic-newsroom-drawn-in-the-exaggerated-satirical-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Exhausted-interns-are-hooked-up-to-IVs-labeled-Caffeine-furiously-clicki-Alan-Nafzger-2.jpg 1792w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px" /></a><figcaption id="caption-attachment-10751" class="wp-caption-text">BOHINEY NEWS &#8211; A chaotic newsroom drawn in the exaggerated, satirical style of Bohiney Magazine. Exhausted interns are hooked up to IVs labeled &#8216;Caffeine&#8217;, furiously clicki&#8230;- Alan Nafzger </figcaption></figure>
  1263. <hr />
  1264. <hr />
  1265. <h2 class="" data-start="161" data-end="200"><strong data-start="164" data-end="200">What the Funny People Are Saying</strong></h2>
  1266. <p class="" data-start="202" data-end="339"><em data-start="202" data-end="321">&#8220;I clicked ‘This Grandma’s Last Words Will Leave You Speechless’—turns out her last words were ‘Turn off the Wi-Fi.’&#8221;</em><br data-start="321" data-end="324" />— <strong data-start="326" data-end="339">Ron White</strong></p>
  1267. <p class="" data-start="341" data-end="502"><em data-start="341" data-end="479">&#8220;Every time I click on ‘You Won’t Believe What This Dog Did,’ I believe it. It’s a dog. It barked. That’s the whole career right there.&#8221;</em><br data-start="479" data-end="482" />— <strong data-start="484" data-end="502">Jerry Seinfeld</strong></p>
  1268. <p class="" data-start="504" data-end="620"><em data-start="504" data-end="600">&#8220;Clickbait titles are like bad Tinder dates. Full of promise, ends with an ad for toe fungus.&#8221;</em><br data-start="600" data-end="603" />— <strong data-start="605" data-end="620">Amy Schumer</strong></p>
  1269. <p class="" data-start="622" data-end="774"><em data-start="622" data-end="751">&#8220;I clicked on ‘He Took One Sip of Beer and You Won’t Believe What Happened!’ I’ll tell you what happened. He joined my family.&#8221;</em><br data-start="751" data-end="754" />— <strong data-start="756" data-end="774"><a href="https://bohiney.com/elon-musks-fight-with-starmer/">Dave Chappelle</a></strong></p>
  1270. <p class="" data-start="776" data-end="934"><em data-start="776" data-end="915">&#8220;The article said, ‘Doctors Hate Him!’ I clicked. It was a dude who eats nothing but celery and screams at clouds. Yeah. I hate him too.&#8221;</em><br data-start="915" data-end="918" />— <strong data-start="920" data-end="934"><a href="https://bohiney.com/optimism-of-new-york-jet-fans/">Chris Rock</a></strong></p>
  1271. <p class="" data-start="936" data-end="1093"><em data-start="936" data-end="1076">&#8220;‘You’ll Cry When You See What This Baby Goat Did.’ Yeah, I cried. Mostly because I realized I’m 42 and crying over goat videos at 2 a.m.&#8221;</em><br data-start="1076" data-end="1079" />— <strong data-start="1081" data-end="1093"><a href="https://bohiney.com/scientists-discover-coffee-actually-wakes-you-up/">Tina Fey</a></strong></p>
  1272. <p class="" data-start="1095" data-end="1229"><em data-start="1095" data-end="1210">&#8220;They got me with ‘You Won’t Believe This Trick to Lose Belly Fat.’ I believed. Now I’m just hungry and ashamed.&#8221;</em><br data-start="1210" data-end="1213" />— <strong data-start="1215" data-end="1229"><a href="https://bohiney.com/justin-baldonis-texts-to-blake-lively/">Kevin Hart</a></strong></p>
  1273. <p class="" data-start="1231" data-end="1375"><em data-start="1231" data-end="1351">&#8220;I once clicked on ‘This Simple Trick Will Fix Your Marriage.’ It was a pop-up ad for duct tape. Accurate, but still.&#8221;</em><br data-start="1351" data-end="1354" />— <strong data-start="1356" data-end="1375"><a href="https://bohiney.com/10-things-frugal-people-never-spend-money-on/">Sarah Silverman</a></strong></p>
  1274. <p class="" data-start="1377" data-end="1530"><em data-start="1377" data-end="1506">&#8220;Clickbait headlines are like a magician who saws a woman in half… then never puts her back together. Just leaves you hanging.&#8221;</em><br data-start="1506" data-end="1509" />— <strong data-start="1511" data-end="1530"><a href="https://bohiney.com/trump-seeks-to-halt-his-criminal-sentencing/">Stephen Colbert</a></strong></p>
  1275. <p class="" data-start="1532" data-end="1688"><em data-start="1532" data-end="1667">&#8220;I clicked on ‘This Man Found Something Shocking in His Backyard.’ It was a rock. He found a rock. And I lost 11 minutes of my life.&#8221;</em><br data-start="1667" data-end="1670" />— <strong data-start="1672" data-end="1688"><a href="https://bohiney.com/elon-musk-ranks-for-dino-sword-fighting-video-game/">Hasan Minhaj</a></strong></p>
  1276. <p class="" data-start="1690" data-end="1827"><em data-start="1690" data-end="1810">&#8220;They said ‘This Trick Can Save You Hundreds!’ I clicked. It told me to stop clicking clickbait. I guess that’s fair.&#8221;</em><br data-start="1810" data-end="1813" />— <strong data-start="1815" data-end="1827"><a href="https://bohiney.com/gingham-shirt-club/">Ali Wong</a></strong></p>
  1277. <p class="" data-start="1829" data-end="1968"><em data-start="1829" data-end="1947">&#8220;Clickbait is the only place where ‘This One Weird Trick’ always ends in a virus and a weird <a href="https://bohiney.com/tesla-to-eclipse-tech-titans-with-robot-army/">Amazon</a> recommendation.&#8221;</em><br data-start="1947" data-end="1950" />— <strong data-start="1952" data-end="1968"><a href="https://bohiney.com/ev-sales-down-but-tesla-stock-rises/">John Mulaney</a></strong></p>
  1278. <figure id="attachment_10753" aria-describedby="caption-attachment-10753" style="width: 640px" class="wp-caption aligncenter"><a href="https://bohiney.com/you-wont-believe-what-happens-next/bohiney-news-a-satirical-protest-outside-the-buzzfeed-headquarters-illustrated-in-the-exaggerated-detail-overloaded-humor-style-of-bohiney-magazine-angry-citizens-hold-alan-nafzger-4/" rel="attachment wp-att-10753"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" class="size-large wp-image-10753" title="BOHINEY NEWS - A satirical protest outside the BuzzFeed headquarters, illustrated in the exaggerated, detail-overloaded humor style of Bohiney Magazine. Angry citizens hold- Alan Nafzger 4" src="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-satirical-protest-outside-the-BuzzFeed-headquarters-illustrated-in-the-exaggerated-detail-overloaded-humor-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Angry-citizens-hold-Alan-Nafzger-4-1024x585.jpg" alt="BOHINEY NEWS - A satirical protest outside the BuzzFeed headquarters, illustrated in the exaggerated, detail-overloaded humor style of Bohiney Magazine. Angry citizens hold- Alan Nafzger 4" width="640" height="366" srcset="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-satirical-protest-outside-the-BuzzFeed-headquarters-illustrated-in-the-exaggerated-detail-overloaded-humor-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Angry-citizens-hold-Alan-Nafzger-4-1024x585.jpg 1024w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-satirical-protest-outside-the-BuzzFeed-headquarters-illustrated-in-the-exaggerated-detail-overloaded-humor-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Angry-citizens-hold-Alan-Nafzger-4-300x171.jpg 300w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-satirical-protest-outside-the-BuzzFeed-headquarters-illustrated-in-the-exaggerated-detail-overloaded-humor-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Angry-citizens-hold-Alan-Nafzger-4-768x439.jpg 768w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-satirical-protest-outside-the-BuzzFeed-headquarters-illustrated-in-the-exaggerated-detail-overloaded-humor-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Angry-citizens-hold-Alan-Nafzger-4-1536x878.jpg 1536w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-satirical-protest-outside-the-BuzzFeed-headquarters-illustrated-in-the-exaggerated-detail-overloaded-humor-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Angry-citizens-hold-Alan-Nafzger-4.jpg 1792w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px" /></a><figcaption id="caption-attachment-10753" class="wp-caption-text">BOHINEY NEWS &#8211; A satirical protest outside the BuzzFeed headquarters, illustrated in the exaggerated, detail-overloaded humor style of Bohiney Magazine. Angry citizens hold&#8230;- Alan Nafzger </figcaption></figure>
  1279. <p>The post <a href="https://bohiney.com/you-wont-believe-what-happens-next/">You Won’t Believe What Happens Next!</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bohiney.com">Bohiney News</a>.</p>
  1280. ]]></content:encoded>
  1284. <media:content url="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-chaotic-newsroom-drawn-in-the-exaggerated-satirical-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Exhausted-interns-are-hooked-up-to-IVs-labeled-Caffeine-furiously-clicki-Alan-Nafzger-1.jpg" medium="image"></media:content>
  1285. </item>
  1286. <item>
  1287. <title>Rep. Victoria Spartz Silences Town Hall Marxists</title>
  1288. <link>https://bohiney.com/rep-victoria-spartz-silences-town-hall-marxists/</link>
  1290. <dc:creator><![CDATA[Annika Steinmann Journalist]]></dc:creator>
  1291. <pubDate>Mon, 31 Mar 2025 11:24:16 +0000</pubDate>
  1292. <category><![CDATA[Culture]]></category>
  1293. <category><![CDATA[Politics]]></category>
  1294. <category><![CDATA[American politics]]></category>
  1295. <category><![CDATA[conservative satire]]></category>
  1296. <category><![CDATA[democratic backlash]]></category>
  1297. <category><![CDATA[Doge scandal]]></category>
  1298. <category><![CDATA[Elon Musk]]></category>
  1299. <category><![CDATA[government efficiency]]></category>
  1300. <category><![CDATA[Indiana politics]]></category>
  1301. <category><![CDATA[Marxist protesters]]></category>
  1302. <category><![CDATA[performative governance]]></category>
  1303. <category><![CDATA[political zingers]]></category>
  1304. <category><![CDATA[SignalGate]]></category>
  1305. <category><![CDATA[Spartz quotes]]></category>
  1306. <category><![CDATA[town hall chaos]]></category>
  1307. <category><![CDATA[town hall meltdowns]]></category>
  1308. <category><![CDATA[Victoria Spartz]]></category>
  1309. <guid isPermaLink="false">https://bohiney.com/?p=10734</guid>
  1310.  
  1311. <description><![CDATA[<p>&#8216;Sit Down, Karl Marx!&#8217;: Rep. Victoria Spartz Silences Town Hall Marxists with 15 Glorious One-Liners...</p>
  1312. <p>The post <a href="https://bohiney.com/rep-victoria-spartz-silences-town-hall-marxists/">Rep. Victoria Spartz Silences Town Hall Marxists</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bohiney.com">Bohiney News</a>.</p>
  1313. ]]></description>
  1314. <content:encoded><![CDATA[<h2 data-start="0" data-end="146"><strong data-start="16" data-end="146">&#8216;Sit Down, Karl Marx!&#8217;: Rep. Victoria Spartz Silences Town Hall Marxists with 15 Glorious One-Liners and Exactly Zero Patience</strong></h2>
  1315. <p class="" data-start="248" data-end="860">In what began as a routine Indiana town hall and ended as a scorched-earth seminar on how to verbally neuter an entire co-op of angry progressive <a href="https://bohiney.com/gen-z-and-millennials-have-redefined-sustainable/">millennials</a>, Rep. Victoria Spartz (R-UberEfficient) returned to her constituents this week armed with one microphone, a vat of contempt, and a scroll of <a href="https://bohiney.com/mark-zuckerbergs-libertarian-awakening/">libertarian</a> zingers she’d clearly been saving for years. The event, hosted in a rec center that still smells faintly of Reaganomics, was packed with irate <a href="https://bohiney.com/ken-martins-magical-mystery-tour/">voters</a> demanding answers on &#8220;DogeCoin appropriations,&#8221; &#8220;SignalGate <a href="https://bohiney.com/zelenskys-self-accusation-circus/">transparency</a>,&#8221; and why Elon Musk’s name now appears more often on their ballots than God’s.</p>
  1316. <p class="" data-start="862" data-end="888">Spoiler: They got answers.</p>
  1317. <h3 data-start="890" data-end="949"><strong data-start="890" data-end="949">Spartz’s Style: One Part C-SPAN, Two Parts Cold War Spy</strong></h3>
  1318. <p class="" data-start="951" data-end="1150">As the audience booed and heckled like a chorus of unlicensed improv actors who just discovered <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karl_Marx" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">Karl Marx’s Wikipedia page</a>, Spartz leaned into the chaos like <a href="https://bohiney.com/donald-trump-to-save-hollywood/">Clint Eastwood</a> during a <a href="https://bohiney.com/ai-now-generating-laws-congress-declares-itself-non-essential/">government</a> audit.</p>
  1319. <p class="" data-start="1152" data-end="1392"><em data-start="1152" data-end="1186">&#8220;Democracy can be inconvenient,&#8221;</em> she said with a shrug, as if to remind them that her entire job is to remind people how little <a href="https://bohiney.com/can-america-finally-admit-the-truth/">power</a> they truly have. This was not town hall <a href="https://bohiney.com/experts-suggest-replacing-all-politicians-with-houseplants/">governance</a>. This was rhetorical landscaping with a flamethrower.</p>
  1320. <p class="" data-start="1394" data-end="1614">Below, we’ve compiled the 15 greatest quotes from her takedown of what she later called “the <a href="https://bohiney.com/protester-falls-from-cliff-while-displaying-upside-down-american-flag-at-yosemite/">Marxist</a> Choir of Whiny Flatulence.” Each one delivered with the subtlety of a drone strike and the warmth of a Siberian winter.</p>
  1321. <hr class="" data-start="1616" data-end="1619" />
  1322. <figure id="attachment_10741" aria-describedby="caption-attachment-10741" style="width: 640px" class="wp-caption aligncenter"><a href="https://bohiney.com/rep-victoria-spartz-silences-town-hall-marxists/bohiney-news-a-wide-angle-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-bohiney-magazine-scene_-a-crowded-town-hall-meeting-room-packed-with-generic-diverse-american-faces-some-au-bohiney-com-2/" rel="attachment wp-att-10741"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" class="size-large wp-image-10741" title="BOHINEY NEWS - A wide-angle satirical cartoon in the style of Bohiney Magazine. Scene A crowded town hall meeting room packed with generic, diverse American faces. Some au... - bohiney.com 2" src="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-angle-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Scene_-A-crowded-town-hall-meeting-room-packed-with-generic-diverse-American-faces.-Some-au.-bohiney.com-2-1024x585.jpg" alt="BOHINEY NEWS - A wide-angle satirical cartoon in the style of Bohiney Magazine. Scene A crowded town hall meeting room packed with generic, diverse American faces. Some au... - bohiney.com 2" width="640" height="366" srcset="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-angle-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Scene_-A-crowded-town-hall-meeting-room-packed-with-generic-diverse-American-faces.-Some-au.-bohiney.com-2-1024x585.jpg 1024w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-angle-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Scene_-A-crowded-town-hall-meeting-room-packed-with-generic-diverse-American-faces.-Some-au.-bohiney.com-2-300x171.jpg 300w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-angle-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Scene_-A-crowded-town-hall-meeting-room-packed-with-generic-diverse-American-faces.-Some-au.-bohiney.com-2-768x439.jpg 768w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-angle-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Scene_-A-crowded-town-hall-meeting-room-packed-with-generic-diverse-American-faces.-Some-au.-bohiney.com-2-1536x878.jpg 1536w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-angle-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Scene_-A-crowded-town-hall-meeting-room-packed-with-generic-diverse-American-faces.-Some-au.-bohiney.com-2.jpg 1792w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px" /></a><figcaption id="caption-attachment-10741" class="wp-caption-text"><a href="https://bohiney.com/bohiney-meaning/">BOHINEY</a> <a href="https://bohiney.com/david-muirs-narcissistic-fashion-moves-while-covering-la-wildfires/">NEWS</a> &#8211; A wide-angle satirical cartoon in the style of Bohiney Magazine. Scene A crowded town hall <a href="https://bohiney.com/putin-says-hes-ready-to-meet-trump-to-talk-calmly/">meeting</a> room packed with generic, diverse American faces. Some au&#8230; &#8211; <a href="https://bohiney.com/romance-and-rivalry-at-the-paris-games/">bohiney.com</a></figcaption></figure>
  1323. <h2 data-start="1621" data-end="1688"><strong data-start="1621" data-end="1688">The Greatest Hits from Spartz’s Slam Poetry Night for Leftists:</strong></h2>
  1324. <p class="" data-start="294" data-end="639">In a scene that felt more like a therapy session for overgrown college radicals than a town hall, Rep. Victoria Spartz (<a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Victoria_Spartz" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">R-Don’t-Tread-On-Me</a>) waded into the <a href="https://bohiney.com/hud-braces-as-doge-seeks-to-cut-waste-and-fraud/">emotional support</a> cauldron of her Indiana district and delivered a verbal spanking that echoed from Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s <a href="https://bohiney.com/these-billionaires-could-buy-tiktok/">TikTok</a> account all the way to Nancy Pelosi’s Napa <a href="https://bohiney.com/science-behind-how-alcohol-affects-your-health/">wine</a> fridge.</p>
  1325. <p class="" data-start="641" data-end="826">She wasn’t there to pander. She came to trim the fat, cancel the crybabies, and remind everyone that liberty is earned, not screamed into existence while holding an “abolish rent” sign.</p>
  1326. <p class="" data-start="828" data-end="945">Here are the 15 moments where Spartz dropkicked <a href="https://bohiney.com/are-all-marxists-incompetent/">Marxism</a> with the calm <a href="https://bohiney.com/scientists-confirm-the-more-meetings-the-less-work-gets-done/">efficiency</a> of a Ron Paul <a href="https://bohiney.com/mitch-mcconnell-retires/">filibuster</a> and a Glock 19.</p>
  1327. <hr class="" data-start="947" data-end="950" />
  1328. <p class="" data-start="952" data-end="1194"><strong data-start="952" data-end="958">1.</strong> <em data-start="959" data-end="1105">&#8220;I understand your <a href="https://bohiney.com/misokinesia/">frustration</a>, but remember, President <a href="https://bohiney.com/trump-targets-the-zombie-vote/">Trump</a> was elected by the majority of Americans. <a href="https://bohiney.com/abc-totally-misses-south-koreas-martial-law/">Democracy</a> can be inconvenient that way.&#8221;</em><br data-start="1105" data-end="1108" /><strong data-start="1108" data-end="1124">Translation:</strong> “Your feelings are valid. Just not more valid than 74 million votes.”</p>
  1329. <hr class="" data-start="1196" data-end="1199" />
  1330. <p class="" data-start="1201" data-end="1487"><strong data-start="1201" data-end="1207">2.</strong> <em data-start="1208" data-end="1337">&#8220;I know you&#8217;re upset with <a href="https://bohiney.com/photos-elon-musk-and-ashley-st-clair/">Elon Musk</a>, but efficiency sometimes requires tough decisions. Perhaps you&#8217;d prefer government <a href="https://bohiney.com/usaid-fraue-and-waste/">waste</a>?&#8221;</em><br data-start="1337" data-end="1340" /><strong data-start="1340" data-end="1353">Reminder:</strong> Musk built three <a href="https://bohiney.com/elon-musks-brain/">rockets</a> and two car companies before your sociology <a href="https://bohiney.com/area-cow-declared-professor-at-msu-after-winning-popularity-contest/">professor</a> finished their sixth committee meeting on safe spaces.</p>
  1331. <hr class="" data-start="1489" data-end="1492" />
  1332. <p class="" data-start="1494" data-end="1737"><strong data-start="1494" data-end="1500">3.</strong> <em data-start="1501" data-end="1624">&#8220;Government efficiency isn&#8217;t about making <a href="https://bohiney.com/jennifer-aniston-proven-the-cause-of-obama-divorce/">friends</a>; it&#8217;s about making progress. Sorry if that disrupts your comfort zone.&#8221;</em><br data-start="1624" data-end="1627" />She said this while sipping sweet tea under a poster of Reagan holding a flamethrower labeled <em data-start="1721" data-end="1737">“budget cuts.”</em></p>
  1333. <hr class="" data-start="1739" data-end="1742" />
  1334. <p class="" data-start="1744" data-end="1906"><strong data-start="1744" data-end="1750">4.</strong> <em data-start="1751" data-end="1854">&#8220;If reducing waste, <a href="https://bohiney.com/harvey-weinstein-the-real-victim/">fraud</a>, and abuse offends you, perhaps you&#8217;re more comfortable with <a href="https://bohiney.com/government-announces-plan-to-regulate-over-regulation/">inefficiency</a>.&#8221;</em><br data-start="1854" data-end="1857" />Translation: If you miss the DMV, you&#8217;ll hate me.</p>
  1335. <hr class="" data-start="1908" data-end="1911" />
  1336. <p class="" data-start="1913" data-end="2149"><strong data-start="1913" data-end="1919">5.</strong> <em data-start="1920" data-end="2025">&#8220;Chanting &#8216;do your job&#8217; is catchy, but I prefer to focus on actually doing the job you elected me for.&#8221;</em><br data-start="2025" data-end="2028" />Which, for the record, does not include explaining how <a href="https://bohiney.com/gov-hochuls-252-billion-spending/">taxes</a> work to 26-year-olds who list “activist” as their job title.</p>
  1337. <hr class="" data-start="2151" data-end="2154" />
  1338. <p class="" data-start="2156" data-end="2350"><strong data-start="2156" data-end="2162">6.</strong> <em data-start="2163" data-end="2267">&#8220;I appreciate your passion, but let&#8217;s channel that <a href="https://bohiney.com/the-new-power-of-mma/">energy</a> into constructive dialogue, not just noise.&#8221;</em><br data-start="2267" data-end="2270" />She said, calmly, while a man in a Che shirt screamed about subsidized oat milk.</p>
  1339. <hr class="" data-start="2352" data-end="2355" />
  1340. <p class="" data-start="2357" data-end="2576"><strong data-start="2357" data-end="2363">7.</strong> <em data-start="2364" data-end="2450">&#8220;It&#8217;s easy to criticize from the sidelines; governing requires making hard choices.&#8221;</em><br data-start="2450" data-end="2453" />Like telling your constituents, “No, you can’t have universal income and also pretend to hate <a href="https://bohiney.com/elon-musks-fight-with-starmer/">capitalism</a> from your iPhone.”</p>
  1341. <hr class="" data-start="2578" data-end="2581" />
  1342. <p class="" data-start="2583" data-end="2792"><strong data-start="2583" data-end="2589">8.</strong> <em data-start="2590" data-end="2693">&#8220;I hear your concerns, but <a href="https://bohiney.com/judge-trump-is-out-and-aniston-is-in/">leadership</a> means sometimes taking unpopular actions for the greater good.&#8221;</em><br data-start="2693" data-end="2696" />Like <a href="https://bohiney.com/congress-votes-to-delay-voting-on-delays/">voting</a> no on another trillion-dollar bailout for people who think “budget” is a hate <a href="https://bohiney.com/chicagos-deportation-drama/">crime</a>.</p>
  1343. <hr class="" data-start="2794" data-end="2797" />
  1344. <p class="" data-start="2799" data-end="3008"><strong data-start="2799" data-end="2805">9.</strong> <em data-start="2806" data-end="2912">&#8220;If efficiency and accountability are radical concepts, then perhaps it&#8217;s time for some radical <a href="https://bohiney.com/donald-j-trumps-inaugural-address-leaked-to-the-press/">change</a>.&#8221;</em><br data-start="2912" data-end="2915" />New merch idea: <strong data-start="2931" data-end="2965">“Make Government Boring Again”</strong> (but like, in a fiscally responsible way).</p>
  1345. <hr class="" data-start="3010" data-end="3013" />
  1346. <p class="" data-start="3015" data-end="3295"><strong data-start="3015" data-end="3022">10.</strong> <em data-start="3023" data-end="3147">&#8220;I won&#8217;t apologize for striving to make our government work better for everyone, not just the loudest voices in the room.&#8221;</em><br data-start="3147" data-end="3150" />Especially that guy in the back yelling, “Healthcare is a human right!” while live-streaming on a $1,200 phone he bought with his stimulus check.</p>
  1347. <hr class="" data-start="3297" data-end="3300" />
  1348. <p class="" data-start="3302" data-end="3513"><strong data-start="3302" data-end="3309">11.</strong> <em data-start="3310" data-end="3400">&#8220;Your boos won&#8217;t deter me; they only reinforce the need for the reforms we&#8217;re pursuing.&#8221;</em><br data-start="3400" data-end="3403" />This was also what she whispered during a budget meeting before cutting funding for interpretive dance grants.</p>
  1349. <hr class="" data-start="3515" data-end="3518" />
  1350. <p class="" data-start="3520" data-end="3700"><strong data-start="3520" data-end="3527"><a href="https://bohiney.com/state-gives-farm-permit-to-build-12500-head-dairy/">12</a>.</strong> <em data-start="3528" data-end="3603">&#8220;Let&#8217;s move beyond slogans and have a real conversation about solutions.&#8221;</em><br data-start="3603" data-end="3606" />The crowd responded with a spontaneous drum circle and something about “decolonizing asphalt.”</p>
  1351. <hr class="" data-start="3702" data-end="3705" />
  1352. <p class="" data-start="3707" data-end="3910"><strong data-start="3707" data-end="3714">13.</strong> <em data-start="3715" data-end="3812">&#8220;I respect your right to disagree, but let&#8217;s base our discussions on facts, not just emotions.&#8221;</em><br data-start="3812" data-end="3815" />One dude immediately curled up under his BLM flag and started chanting “late-stage capitalism.”</p>
  1353. <hr class="" data-start="3912" data-end="3915" />
  1354. <p class="" data-start="3917" data-end="4134"><strong data-start="3917" data-end="3924">14.</strong> <em data-start="3925" data-end="4028">&#8220;Change is hard, but maintaining the status quo of waste and inefficiency is harder in the long run.&#8221;</em><br data-start="4028" data-end="4031" />Ironically, this caused three public sector employees to demand hazard pay for feeling mildly targeted.</p>
  1355. <hr class="" data-start="4136" data-end="4139" />
  1356. <p class="" data-start="4141" data-end="4347"><strong data-start="4141" data-end="4148">15.</strong> <em data-start="4149" data-end="4267">&#8220;I&#8217;m here to serve all constituents, even those who disagree with me. Let&#8217;s find common ground instead of division.&#8221;</em><br data-start="4267" data-end="4270" />The room, sensing the end was near, began angrily clapping in the key of <a href="https://bohiney.com/brian-manns-fentanyl-follies/">NPR</a>.</p>
  1357. <hr class="" data-start="4349" data-end="4352" />
  1358. <p class="" data-start="4354" data-end="4618"><strong data-start="4354" data-end="4370">Bottom Line:</strong><br data-start="4370" data-end="4373" />Victoria Spartz didn’t come to the town hall to listen to interpretive wailing. She came to trim <a href="https://bohiney.com/scotus-declares-proof-of-citizenship-required-for-proof-of-citizenship/">bureaucracy</a> with a buzzsaw and remind everyone that freedom isn’t free—it costs attention spans, trigger warnings, and probably a few NPR tote bags.</p>
  1359. <p class="" data-start="4620" data-end="4728">Stay tuned. Next week she’s debating whether Indiana should secede from the National Endowment for the Arts.</p>
  1360. <hr class="" data-start="5081" data-end="5084" />
  1361. <figure id="attachment_10742" aria-describedby="caption-attachment-10742" style="width: 640px" class="wp-caption aligncenter"><a href="https://bohiney.com/rep-victoria-spartz-silences-town-hall-marxists/rep-victoria-spartz-at-town-hall-a-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-bohiney-magazine-wide-aspect-scene_-a-confident-generic-female-congresswoman-stands-at-a-wooden-podium-in-a-community-b/" rel="attachment wp-att-10742"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" class="size-large wp-image-10742" title="Rep. Victoria Spartz at Town Hall - A satirical cartoon in the style of Bohiney Magazine, wide aspect. Scene A confident, generic female congresswoman stands at a wooden podium in a community ... - bohiney.com" src="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/Rep.-Victoria-Spartz-at-Town-Hall-A-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine-wide-aspect.-Scene_-A-confident-generic-female-congresswoman-stands-at-a-wooden-podium-in-a-community-.-bohiney.com_-1024x585.jpg" alt="Rep. Victoria Spartz at Town Hall - A satirical cartoon in the style of Bohiney Magazine, wide aspect. Scene A confident, generic female congresswoman stands at a wooden podium in a community ... - bohiney.com" width="640" height="366" srcset="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/Rep.-Victoria-Spartz-at-Town-Hall-A-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine-wide-aspect.-Scene_-A-confident-generic-female-congresswoman-stands-at-a-wooden-podium-in-a-community-.-bohiney.com_-1024x585.jpg 1024w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/Rep.-Victoria-Spartz-at-Town-Hall-A-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine-wide-aspect.-Scene_-A-confident-generic-female-congresswoman-stands-at-a-wooden-podium-in-a-community-.-bohiney.com_-300x171.jpg 300w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/Rep.-Victoria-Spartz-at-Town-Hall-A-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine-wide-aspect.-Scene_-A-confident-generic-female-congresswoman-stands-at-a-wooden-podium-in-a-community-.-bohiney.com_-768x439.jpg 768w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/Rep.-Victoria-Spartz-at-Town-Hall-A-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine-wide-aspect.-Scene_-A-confident-generic-female-congresswoman-stands-at-a-wooden-podium-in-a-community-.-bohiney.com_-1536x878.jpg 1536w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/Rep.-Victoria-Spartz-at-Town-Hall-A-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine-wide-aspect.-Scene_-A-confident-generic-female-congresswoman-stands-at-a-wooden-podium-in-a-community-.-bohiney.com_.jpg 1792w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px" /></a><figcaption id="caption-attachment-10742" class="wp-caption-text">Rep. Victoria Spartz at Town Hall &#8211; A satirical cartoon in the style of Bohiney Magazine, wide aspect. Scene A confident, generic female congresswoman stands at a wooden podium in a community &#8230; &#8211; bohiney.com</figcaption></figure>
  1362. <h3 data-start="5086" data-end="5122"><strong data-start="5086" data-end="5122">What the Funny People Are Saying about Victoria Spartz&#8230;</strong></h3>
  1363. <p class="" data-start="5124" data-end="5255"><em data-start="5124" data-end="5234">&#8220;I haven’t seen a woman dismiss a crowd that effectively since Nancy Reagan told AIDS activists to go home.&#8221;</em> — <strong data-start="5237" data-end="5255"><a href="https://bohiney.com/tulsi-gabbard/">Dave Chappelle</a></strong></p>
  1364. <p class="" data-start="5257" data-end="5349"><em data-start="5257" data-end="5332">&#8220;When she said ‘Democracy can be inconvenient,’ I felt that in my taxes.&#8221;</em> — <strong data-start="5335" data-end="5349"><a href="https://bohiney.com/optimism-of-new-york-jet-fans/">Chris Rock</a></strong></p>
  1365. <p class="" data-start="5351" data-end="5434"><em data-start="5351" data-end="5413">&#8220;She speaks like someone who lost a fight to a spreadsheet.&#8221;</em> — <strong data-start="5416" data-end="5434"><a href="https://bohiney.com/hoda-and-jenna/">Jerry Seinfeld</a></strong></p>
  1366. <p class="" data-start="5436" data-end="5546"><em data-start="5436" data-end="5530">&#8220;She shut those people up faster than I shut up my ex-wife with a gift card to Hobby Lobby.&#8221;</em> — <strong data-start="5533" data-end="5546">Ron <a href="https://bohiney.com/wine-not-the-athletes-guide-to-parisian-pubs/">White</a></strong></p>
  1367. <hr class="" data-start="5548" data-end="5551" />
  1368. <h3 data-start="5553" data-end="5593"><strong data-start="5553" data-end="5593">Helpful Content for Bohiney Readers about </strong><strong data-start="5086" data-end="5122">Victoria Spartz&#8230;</strong></h3>
  1369. <ul data-start="5595" data-end="5815">
  1370. <li class="" data-start="5595" data-end="5673">
  1371. <p class="" data-start="5597" data-end="5673"><em data-start="5597" data-end="5671">How to Calm a Town Hall Mob Without Sedatives (But With Ayn Rand Quotes)</em></p>
  1372. </li>
  1373. <li class="" data-start="5674" data-end="5741">
  1374. <p class="" data-start="5676" data-end="5741"><em data-start="5676" data-end="5739">10 Other Times “Efficiency” Was Used to Justify Wild Nonsense</em></p>
  1375. </li>
  1376. <li class="" data-start="5742" data-end="5815">
  1377. <p class="" data-start="5744" data-end="5815"><em data-start="5744" data-end="5815">DIY Boo-to-Applause Converters Using Only <a href="https://bohiney.com/gabbards-hearing-turns-tense-over-snowden-questions/">Patriotism</a> and Chicken Wire</em></p>
  1378. </li>
  1379. </ul>
  1380. <hr class="" data-start="5817" data-end="5820" />
  1381. <p class="" data-start="5822" data-end="6003"><strong data-start="5822" data-end="5837">Disclaimer:</strong><br data-start="5837" data-end="5840" /><em>This article is a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings—the world&#8217;s oldest tenured professor and a 20-year-old philosophy major turned dairy farmer.</em></p>
  1382. <figure id="attachment_10744" aria-describedby="caption-attachment-10744" style="width: 640px" class="wp-caption aligncenter"><a href="https://bohiney.com/rep-victoria-spartz-silences-town-hall-marxists/bohiney-news-a-wide-angle-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-bohiney-magazine-scene_-a-crowded-town-hall-meeting-room-packed-with-generic-diverse-american-faces-rep-victoria-spartz/" rel="attachment wp-att-10744"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" class="size-large wp-image-10744" title="BOHINEY NEWS - A wide-angle satirical cartoon in the style of Bohiney Magazine. Scene A crowded town hall meeting room packed with generic, diverse American faces. Rep. Victoria Spartz" src="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-angle-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Scene_-A-crowded-town-hall-meeting-room-packed-with-generic-diverse-American-faces.-Rep.-Victoria-Spartz-1024x585.jpg" alt="BOHINEY NEWS - A wide-angle satirical cartoon in the style of Bohiney Magazine. Scene A crowded town hall meeting room packed with generic, diverse American faces. Rep. Victoria Spartz" width="640" height="366" srcset="https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-angle-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Scene_-A-crowded-town-hall-meeting-room-packed-with-generic-diverse-American-faces.-Rep.-Victoria-Spartz-1024x585.jpg 1024w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-angle-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Scene_-A-crowded-town-hall-meeting-room-packed-with-generic-diverse-American-faces.-Rep.-Victoria-Spartz-300x171.jpg 300w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-angle-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Scene_-A-crowded-town-hall-meeting-room-packed-with-generic-diverse-American-faces.-Rep.-Victoria-Spartz-768x439.jpg 768w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-angle-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Scene_-A-crowded-town-hall-meeting-room-packed-with-generic-diverse-American-faces.-Rep.-Victoria-Spartz-1536x878.jpg 1536w, https://bohiney.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/BOHINEY-NEWS-A-wide-angle-satirical-cartoon-in-the-style-of-Bohiney-Magazine.-Scene_-A-crowded-town-hall-meeting-room-packed-with-generic-diverse-American-faces.-Rep.-Victoria-Spartz.jpg 1792w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px" /></a><figcaption id="caption-attachment-10744" class="wp-caption-text">BOHINEY NEWS &#8211; A wide-angle satirical cartoon in the style of Bohiney Magazine. Scene A crowded town hall meeting room packed with generic, diverse American faces. Rep. Victoria Spartz</figcaption></figure>
  1383. <p>The post <a href="https://bohiney.com/rep-victoria-spartz-silences-town-hall-marxists/">Rep. Victoria Spartz Silences Town Hall Marxists</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bohiney.com">Bohiney News</a>.</p>
  1384. ]]></content:encoded>
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