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<?xml version='1.0' encoding='utf-8' ?> <rss version='2.0' xmlns:lj='http://www.livejournal.org/rss/lj/1.0/' xmlns:atom10='http://www.w3.org/2005/Atom'><channel> <title>Bloggus ✩</title> <link>https://taterinx.dreamwidth.org/</link> <description>Bloggus ✩ - Dreamwidth Studios</description> <lastBuildDate>Fri, 25 Aug 2023 17:09:07 GMT</lastBuildDate> <generator>LiveJournal / Dreamwidth Studios</generator> <lj:journal>taterinx</lj:journal> <lj:journaltype>personal</lj:journaltype> <image> <url>https://v.dreamwidth.org/16477985/4111059</url> <title>Bloggus ✩</title> <link>https://taterinx.dreamwidth.org/</link> <width>100</width> <height>100</height> </image> <item> <guid isPermaLink='true'>https://taterinx.dreamwidth.org/3216.html</guid> <pubDate>Fri, 25 Aug 2023 17:09:07 GMT</pubDate> <title>Sites and bed bug bites</title> <link>https://taterinx.dreamwidth.org/3216.html</link> <description>Did some thinking, and I reckon I'll use this blog a bit differently now. For a few reasons: one, I've been journaling more physically (and totally privately) so this Dreamwidth has been rendered useless in that way; and, two, sure, I have an RSS feed, and that little updates box on my site, but updating those is such a drag. <br /><br />So, naturally, I'm going to keep the RSS feed, and shift the focus of this blog onto the progression of my static site, plus anything else related to webmastery, coding, and browsing. This affirmation is more towards myself (and whatever else looms over my head when I rest) than anyone else.<br /><br />Anyway, actual stuff regarding my Neocities:<br /><br />The new layout will take a lot from my <a href="https://spacehey.com/taterinx">Spacehey</a>, and departing (sorta) away from the Windows XP thematics. It was fun, and I'll definitely be taking some stuff away from it, but I want to try condense my site to mostly a single page, I guess to accommodate for my laziness. Iframes were cute while they lasted.<br /><br />I've also been working on some personal touches, like compiling fanlistings, and secret pages. If you read the public feeds on Neocities, they're merciless in spoiling all those little behind the scenes changes. Gross. But it is what it is.<br /><br />Summer has kept me busy, and August is the worst month, I've deduced. I'm currently having to tie up loose ends and move everything out of my 2nd year student house (I definitely let it all creep up on me), am still working on more promotional materials for the burlesque society, and need to sort out my letter of notice to my managers.<br /><br />But, surprisingly, I'm also feeling comforted. I felt like I was in a void for so long where time wasn't progressing, right? So now seeing that everything is getting moved out this week, I'm wrapping up those social media posts next week, and leaving work to move into my new place the week after? These signposts pull me out of that void.<br /><br />And, of course, at the end of it all, on the 21st, I get to reunite with my love again. It's a great feeling. All that to say, I've had to put my hobbies on hold, even beyond the mental fatigue limiting it in the first place. But once I settle in to everything again, I'll be able to really relax.<br /><br /><img src="https://www.dreamwidth.org/tools/commentcount?user=taterinx&ditemid=3216" width="30" height="12" alt="comment count unavailable" style="vertical-align: middle;"/> comments</description> <comments>https://taterinx.dreamwidth.org/3216.html</comments> <category>sitebuilding</category> <category>mental health</category> <lj:mood>content</lj:mood> <lj:security>public</lj:security> <lj:reply-count>0</lj:reply-count></item><item> <guid isPermaLink='true'>https://taterinx.dreamwidth.org/2849.html</guid> <pubDate>Mon, 03 Jul 2023 11:30:44 GMT</pubDate> <link>https://taterinx.dreamwidth.org/2849.html</link> <description><p>Amidst looking through my camera roll, with the intention of clearing some space, I saw a video where someone said:</p><div class="callout" style="background: #fff; border: 1px solid #d0d0bf; border-radius: 4px; padding: 10px;">I'm a raccoon gf. I have grippy little hands that need to touch everything I pass, I don't have many friends and I'll eat almost anything. I scavenge through "garbage" and keep what brings me joy. I don't like people coming into my space uninvited and I do bite.</div><p>This resonates. Funnily enough, a day ago I expressed my deep desire to bite Fletcher, and he in turn said he misses those little impulses. As much as I jokingly said he'll have a repository of red flags to look back on if we ever split, biting being one of them, his assurance that he loves all those little things is always nice to hear.</p><br /><br /><img src="https://www.dreamwidth.org/tools/commentcount?user=taterinx&ditemid=2849" width="30" height="12" alt="comment count unavailable" style="vertical-align: middle;"/> comments</description> <comments>https://taterinx.dreamwidth.org/2849.html</comments> <category>status</category> <lj:security>public</lj:security> <lj:reply-count>0</lj:reply-count></item><item> <guid isPermaLink='true'>https://taterinx.dreamwidth.org/2662.html</guid> <pubDate>Sun, 02 Jul 2023 15:12:36 GMT</pubDate> <title>Summer Week #2</title> <link>https://taterinx.dreamwidth.org/2662.html</link> <description>I'm seriously losing track of time. Writing this on week 3 so some things are a bit muddled, but ah well.<br /><br />Monday: Had a McDonald's interview. Walked all the way, wading through roadside bushes, just to be told that they just need to confirm my right to work and, once I did that, they let me go. Just like that? On God? Bollocks. I ended up getting a taxi because I wasn't going to walk another half an hour through the heat. In other news, though, I finally posted the summer show roundup for the Burlesque society and received lots of praise for my editing style. That was really affirming, I felt really appreciated after so much perfectionism.<br /><br />Tuesday: 10am charity work is so fun, I learnt how to tag and price clothing, so went through about a hundred garments. At that place, I was so content with volunteering, I don't need a pay check from them, I'm just doing my bit. And my bit was just so fun.<br /><br />Wednesday: I went back to my student flat to pick up some stuff. Notably stationary, books and other little creative things.<br /><br />Thursday: Another interview, not really a proper one though, but a group introduction to the roles. This would be for a temporary summer support role at a retail store, tagging and organising stock.<br /><br />Friday: Asesesments.<br /><br />Saturday: Finalised assessments, finally submitted them, no more school work, prob<br /><br />I need to revisit this I'm so out of it<br /><br />Monday 26: ; Tuesday 27; Wednesday 28:; Thursday: 29; Friday 30:; Saturday 01:; Sunday 02:;<br /><br />Monday 19: interview, expected summer show roundup; Tuesday 20: 10am charity shop, bibliography; Wednesday 21: graphics, pick up art stuff; Thursday 22: another interview, finalise works; Friday:; Saturday:; Sunday:;<br /><br /><img src="https://www.dreamwidth.org/tools/commentcount?user=taterinx&ditemid=2662" width="30" height="12" alt="comment count unavailable" style="vertical-align: middle;"/> comments</description> <comments>https://taterinx.dreamwidth.org/2662.html</comments> <lj:security>public</lj:security> <lj:reply-count>0</lj:reply-count></item><item> <guid isPermaLink='true'>https://taterinx.dreamwidth.org/2526.html</guid> <pubDate>Mon, 19 Jun 2023 22:15:19 GMT</pubDate> <title>Summer Week #1</title> <link>https://taterinx.dreamwidth.org/2526.html</link> <description><p>In my head is nothing but the worst case scenario. I need to find some peace, but first, I guess just talk about this past week. It's been a busy one.</p><p>Monday: I was woken up at 9am and urged to get to job searching. So I did that for most of the day. Sent a bunch of applications. I saw a nightclub was hiring and sent my CV, surprised to get an almost instantaneous message back asking "for a chat" the next day. So naturally, I was both suspicious yet excited.</p><p>Tuesday: Went into the town centre both for the interview and to also get a passport photo printed - I realised I needed to get on that. The chat really did feel like just a chat, somehow I got the guy to talk a bit about the Halo books and then admit he favours PubG over Fortnite. Anyway, he hired me on the spot. I grew even more suspicious, but overall I was pleased.</p><p>Wednesday was a sleepy day.</p><p>Thursday: A taster sesh at a charity shop I wanted to volunteer for. It ended up being a really fun day learning how the stock came in, was priced, and then displayed. The staff were all lovely, and I formerly signed up to volunteer every Tuesday. It reaffirmed my desire to get more involved in charity work, retail, and also thrifting culture anyway. It was interesting sifting through Amazon stock to find the weird and weirder. At bargain prices too.</p><p>Friday: My first, and unfortunately last, shift at the nightclub. I knew it would be tough to learn the bar and cater to customers over loud speakers, but I thought to try it anyways. Besides, I thought I would be getting training. I sorta did, but it was very much, "here's everything, uh oh people are coming in, uh just stand back, uhhh just attempt to help that guy out." The staff were really sweet, and all learnt through hardships. But in the end, it overwhelmed me and I had to drop out. Maybe if I stuck with it, I could've moved past the nauseating feeling of a drunk person's breath (or a sober person who so desperately wants to be drunk, which might be worse) and the lack of proper training that I thought was involved. Maybe that was poor foresight. I had hoped I'd be floor staff until I was able to pour drinks, but drinks are expensive to pour if just for training. Even without that, I came to an unfortunate realisation that I just wasn't mentally well enough for nightclubs anymore. Not the kind that plays mass appeal pop remixes for you and some mates. I enjoyed these until recently but every time, after a while, the room suffocates in all its volume, so I leave early. It took me going to a DJ's niche curated set a couple weeks ago with Fletcher that I realised that was the nightclub culture I'm best suited for. So, beyond the information overload and expectation to learn on the job, I caved in under the weight of every other thing that a nightclub does to me eventually, except it was instantaneous when I had to be alert.</p><p>Saturday: I felt really defeated, having hyped up the instant hire as a sign that I'd have the potential to do really well. Mum came in to reassure me that nightclubs are terrible places to work at anyway, and revealed her concern with me working there - she was mostly quiet until this point because she was just happy for me. And here, she then said she was happy I tried and realised it wasn't for me, on my own terms. Charlie echoed the same sentiments at dinner, and added that the managing was done irresponsibly, which was reassuring. Still, I spent a lot of that day crying. And even now I feel a weakness.</p><p>Sunday was a sleepy day.</p><p>Because so much (relatively) happened, it felt like it had been weeks. But then I remember that I've still got another 8. Things then feel so draining again. Reading a random blurb in my late night scrolling has me contemplating Melancholia's eventual crash, the end of me, and how much noise there is left for me to wade through until the days briskly pass by. I started fleuxetine again, but I'll have to let the GP know my anxiety is back. Bad.</p><p>Monday 19: interview, expected summer show roundup; Tuesday 20: 10am charity shop, bibliography; Wednesday 21: graphics, pick up art stuff; Thursday 22: another interview, finalise works; Friday:; Saturday:; Sunday:;</p><br /><br /><img src="https://www.dreamwidth.org/tools/commentcount?user=taterinx&ditemid=2526" width="30" height="12" alt="comment count unavailable" style="vertical-align: middle;"/> comments</description> <comments>https://taterinx.dreamwidth.org/2526.html</comments> <category>status</category> <category>mental health</category> <lj:security>public</lj:security> <lj:reply-count>0</lj:reply-count></item><item> <guid isPermaLink='true'>https://taterinx.dreamwidth.org/2224.html</guid> <pubDate>Mon, 12 Jun 2023 19:49:48 GMT</pubDate> <link>https://taterinx.dreamwidth.org/2224.html</link> <description><p>A lot of feelings these past few days. I wouldn't know where to begin. But, for a brief moment today, I didn't feel those feelings. I have some interviews lined up, and should hopefully keep myself busy this summer, if not to get the bag, then to help out wherever I can. I woke up early as well, and haven't felt exhausted. So, it seems like I'm getting somewhere.</p><p>Somewhere. But still. It feels like I'm missing. My room remains messy. I can hardly stomach a full meal, not even a morning toast or the noodle soup after hours of starvation - my stomach gurgles but tightens at the thought of another spoonful. It can't be a dysmorphia thing, my body image isn't that bad. Is it? I don't feel guilty when I do eat. I just feel sick. Really sick. I'm only washing the dishes as an obligation to my family, small talking at the dinner table to let them know I'm okay, working bit by bit on my summatives to avoid more complications, and getting a job to keep myself busy. </p><p>It's ironic that, without familiar comforts, I'm able to wake up early and do these things. But, in between all that, I feel so empty. All of this is, ultimately, to help me in the long run. But I can't internalise that I'm on a good path. I'm never really living for myself. Again, I'm reminded that I've got a long way to go. To reach that point where I can be satisfied with just being me.</p><br /><br /><img src="https://www.dreamwidth.org/tools/commentcount?user=taterinx&ditemid=2224" width="30" height="12" alt="comment count unavailable" style="vertical-align: middle;"/> comments</description> <comments>https://taterinx.dreamwidth.org/2224.html</comments> <category>mental health</category> <lj:mood>cold</lj:mood> <lj:security>public</lj:security> <lj:reply-count>0</lj:reply-count></item><item> <guid isPermaLink='true'>https://taterinx.dreamwidth.org/1997.html</guid> <pubDate>Fri, 09 Jun 2023 19:03:47 GMT</pubDate> <title>Three months LDR begins</title> <link>https://taterinx.dreamwidth.org/1997.html</link> <description><p>Man, I'm feeling rough. Long distance is not a foreign concept to me at all, but being predominantly together in person sets up a lot more to miss when you are separated. That feeling isn't too foreign a concept to me and Fletch either; America called before, so it calls again. A little over 14 months-ish, and we've lived through 3-4 months total of long-distance. Our personalities mesh well enough that we've never so much as a spat, and hardly that, so being apart doesn't usually cause any issue indicative of any wider problems. It does, however, make missing each other all the more stronger and terrible-er and rubbish-er.</p><ul style="list-style-type: none; border: 1px dotted grey; padding: 2px;"><li>B: I think the best way I can describe it, is that the best thing for you, seeing your family, friends, and home again, just doesn't involve me. I won't be able to be a part of your summer.</li><li>F: Not true. The best thing would be for you to come with me. It's just unfortunately not possible right now. But you'll always be a part of my life.</li></ul><p>I definitely have an abandonment issue, am overly conscious about how those I care about perceive me, and an dangerously hooked on the warmth of my man. So if there ever was a problem, it'd be me lost in my head, anxious, isolated from everything, in tears missing all that. While not projecting these pains, it does lead to me not treating myself very kindly, and so there's always some concern. All that to say, I'm going to do the best I can this Summer, to not reach that deep of a low. I'm happy that he gets to reunite with his family, friends, and Clovis (the dog). Fletch gives me a lot of strength, but he also believes that a lot of that was already within me to begin with. I'll try to believe that too.</p><br /><br /><img src="https://www.dreamwidth.org/tools/commentcount?user=taterinx&ditemid=1997" width="30" height="12" alt="comment count unavailable" style="vertical-align: middle;"/> comments</description> <comments>https://taterinx.dreamwidth.org/1997.html</comments> <category>mental health</category> <category>status</category> <lj:mood>anxious</lj:mood> <lj:security>public</lj:security> <lj:reply-count>0</lj:reply-count></item><item> <guid isPermaLink='true'>https://taterinx.dreamwidth.org/1657.html</guid> <pubDate>Wed, 31 May 2023 16:10:23 GMT</pubDate> <title>Zzz zzz zzz (and mortality)</title> <link>https://taterinx.dreamwidth.org/1657.html</link> <description><p>I had the worst panic last night.</p><p>Or morning (between 5am-10am), because of a chest pain that radiated to my back and stomach. My arms felt numb at one point, breathing smoothly was tough, and I felt dizzy trying to get up. Really fucking unfortunate lol Fletcher worried and got 999 involved, but somehow the pain subsided enough after that call (to which they concluded I should make my way to A&amp;E) that I was able to instead fill my stomach and conk out until the late afternoon.</p><p>It then occurred to me how freaked out I really was in that moment. I never like admitting that I'm dramatic and quick to draw to the conclusion that I'm painfully mortal and my time is finite. But that's the unfortunate state of my head rn. <em>I am</em> so terribly dramatic and quick to draw to the conclusion that I'm painfully mortal and my time is finite.</p><p>I think the worst thing isn't even necessarily that, but whether it's out of my hands. I didn't want to fall asleep with those kinds of pains in case I was then unable to alert Fletcher of something major, and I didn't want him to fall asleep either, so he could react. Thankfully, around the time I <em>was</em> ready to sleep, Fletcher was already mostly awake and fully got out of bed, promising to look over me. That was reassuring.</p><p>There then came the terrible, sinking feeling that I was a burden. And, well, that kinda occurs as is. Pain. No pain. [Update 21:28; <em>did</em> go to A&E in the end as the pain returned lol but they said I was low risk, esp as the pain went just as they were checking on me. Funny how that works. The wave of "oh god I shouldn't be here, someone might not get treatment fast enough. What is my place in all this," hit again. But I'm living.]</p><br /><br /><img src="https://www.dreamwidth.org/tools/commentcount?user=taterinx&ditemid=1657" width="30" height="12" alt="comment count unavailable" style="vertical-align: middle;"/> comments</description> <comments>https://taterinx.dreamwidth.org/1657.html</comments> <category>mental health</category> <lj:mood>uncomfortable</lj:mood> <lj:security>public</lj:security> <lj:reply-count>0</lj:reply-count></item><item> <guid isPermaLink='true'>https://taterinx.dreamwidth.org/1490.html</guid> <pubDate>Tue, 30 May 2023 01:32:56 GMT</pubDate> <title>I have a headache</title> <link>https://taterinx.dreamwidth.org/1490.html</link> <description><p>Writing my March highlights blog and having to sift through my photos archive. Some good stuff, but I stumbled across an icky little screenshot of our university's confessions page, particularly an entry that seemed eerily geared towards me:</p><p><center><img src="https://files.catbox.moe/j53e81.jpg" style="border: 1px dotted grey; width: 250px; height: 300px;" alt="" /></center></p><p>A similar confession was made a couple days after my breakup, to which it was almost definitely my ex. And to which someone replied - loose paraphrasing, "name drop and let me hit it so you can have your villain origin story." In any case, that entry featured a lot of contextual information that gave it away. This screenshot, however, not so much. Aside from that we had almost reached 4 years. True. I broke his heart about a month leading up to, what would've been, our 4 year (and unfortunately a week or so before his birthday).</p><p>But, see, maybe that's common? And while B could refer to either Biggus or my surname, it removes any definitive, "I am on about you!" because my full initials are V.B., but I guess if it were him, he would partly wanted to both plant those sentiments into my head and yet remain ambiguous enough in his confession so that I couldn't definitively say it was him.</p><p>Whatever, it does my head in thinking about it. There's a lot of thought and feeling I have towards him and our relationship, but I don't feel it's appropriate to air out all my dirty laundry, or his. Not yet. Just not feeling it really.</p><br /><br /><img src="https://www.dreamwidth.org/tools/commentcount?user=taterinx&ditemid=1490" width="30" height="12" alt="comment count unavailable" style="vertical-align: middle;"/> comments</description> <comments>https://taterinx.dreamwidth.org/1490.html</comments> <category>status</category> <lj:mood>irritated</lj:mood> <lj:security>public</lj:security> <lj:reply-count>0</lj:reply-count></item><item> <guid isPermaLink='true'>https://taterinx.dreamwidth.org/1075.html</guid> <pubDate>Wed, 17 May 2023 16:07:47 GMT</pubDate> <title>An old SpaceHey entry</title> <link>https://taterinx.dreamwidth.org/1075.html</link> <description><p>It's an alright platform with a really nice message. I'm not going to bash anyone for using that place as an avenue for venting, but I know people equally get tired of depressing/controversial topics plaguing their explorative experiences. Maybe that's me being a people pleaser, but I also feel like it's just common courtesy for me to redirect my vents to someplace where it can, at the very least, be treated as an uncovered secret. If it's disregarded, at least it's because it was randomly stumbled across, instead of wedged between lists of other, very similar depressing cries for help, and a guy who wanted to show off his his latest Hot Topic haul. I respect the public venters, it's just unfortunate that there's then a disapproval on the basis of it being so frequent in feeds nowadays. Whatever, here's that SpaceHey vent.</p><details><summary>Read More</summary><div class="callout" style="background: #fff; border: 1px solid #d0d0bf; border-radius: 4px; padding: 10px;"><p style="text-align: center; "><i>I'm not going to act like I've written god-tier journalism. More or less overkill for a personal diary. So, you're kind of a silly Billy if you read the whole thing, more so if you gain anything from it. Shit's quirked up. <u>Ough ough ough&nbsp;</u></i><i>!&nbsp;</i><i>!&nbsp;</i><i>##</i></p><h1 style="text-align: center; "><i style="color: rgb(29, 78, 216);">✩&nbsp;prelude&nbsp;✩</i></h1><p><span style="color: rgb(29, 78, 216);">There's a sorta kid-like joy I feel writing this.</span> I would say it takes me back to my Wattpad days, end of chapter Author Notes and shit, iykyk... But fuck man those were the days of pubescent SnK x reader fanfiction,<span style="color: rgb(29, 78, 216);"> idk if I want to relate anything back to that.</span> Just trying to find a way of saying, "I like indulging in myself because I have ego problems but I don't really<i style="font-size: max(0.875em, 12px);">&nbsp;but I do</i>."&nbsp;<br></p><p>Still, I wanted to write something. Just the space between, "gosh, that sucks," and, "people have it worse, idiot woman!" Both responses I inhabit towards myself, which I guess proves I'm not much an idiot woman; Idiot women hold close-minded and biased opinions;&nbsp;<i><a href="https://i.imgur.com/HZAkZSK.gif">super cute and pretty women (me) hold conflicting but otherwise comprehensive opinions</a>.</i></p><p>Earlier tonight a friend asked me how my life has been recently, and all I could muster up the courage to say was: <span style="color: rgb(29, 78, 216);">"a fun little rollercoaster going whooosh and weee and wham wham wham," all with fun, easy to laugh off, hand gestures. </span>There's a lot of context heavy issues I can't really spare the details of. But, if I were to use this blog entry in a way that'd, at the very least, provide better stability to my current self, then I'll use it to mediate my current spiral of dissociation.&nbsp;</p><h1 style="text-align: center;"><i style="color: rgb(29, 78, 216);">✩&nbsp;my room ✩</i></h1><p>I'm sitting in my bedroom, at my desk. Average tan wood, made <span style="color: rgb(29, 78, 216);">1000%</span> more interesting by my silver lava lamp, mushroom lamp and black desk lamp with one of my hot wheels sitting on its base.<span style="color: rgb(29, 78, 216);"> I'm not a <i>collector </i>collector, </span>that kind of financial investment freaks me out, but I enjoy collecting little cars/vehicles from cheap capsule machines or wherever else I can get them for a bargain. They're cute.<span style="color: rgb(29, 78, 216);"> I'd ride a motorbike if I could, but I'd love to own a life-size hot wheels.</span></p><p><span style="color: rgb(29, 78, 216);">I hate the brown of a corkboard, </span>and yet I'm so unfortunate that I have the fattest, wall-swallowing bulletin board right in front of me. But functionally, they're sensational, so I can't wait to fully fill it up. Atm, there's this<span style="color: rgb(29, 78, 216);"> <a href="https://hmv.com/store/merchandise/calendars/vincent-trinidad-hmv-exclusive-square-2023-calenda"><i>cute cat calendar,</i></a></span> which I could dedicate a whole paragraph to; a sunflower wreath; a zip-loc bag of McDonald's Monopoly pieces (pinned to the board, yes); a Hawaiian patterned flip-flop keychain; picture booth pictures from Bar &amp; Beyond <span style="color: rgb(29, 78, 216);">(sorry to say, internet people, but I'm a socially active club-night enjoying young adult),</span> picture of my lover in his work suit from the summer, and a Sweettastic Churros stamp card (2/8 stamps)</p><h1 style="text-align: center;"><i style="color: rgb(29, 78, 216);">✩&nbsp;bookshelf ✩</i></h1><p style="text-align: center;"><i>To the left of the desk is a bookcase I haven't completely filled yet because reading is&nbsp;not? Fundamental. Dedicating a whole 5 minutes to separate this section into <u>sub-sections. </u>Shit get's its own little introductory para too.</i><b style="font-size: max(0.875em, 12px);"><br></b></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="color: rgb(29, 78, 216); font-weight: 700;">⟡</span><b style="font-size: max(0.875em, 12px); color: rgb(29, 78, 216);">&nbsp;➜ OO1 ﹒﹗</b></p><p>The top shelf is empty except for this <span style="color: rgb(29, 78, 216);">weird paper-y pumpkin-y thing-y</span> I stole from tonight's <span style="color: rgb(29, 78, 216);">burlesque society dress rehearsal afterparty,</span> because it was visually intricate and I liked the orange colour, it matches the Lipton's peach ice tea bottle cap.&nbsp;</p><p><span style="color: rgb(29, 78, 216);"><span style="font-weight: 700;">♡</span><span style="font-weight: bolder; font-size: max(0.875em, 12px);">&nbsp;➜ OO2 ﹒﹗</span></span><br></p><p>Below this shelf is my current trinket shelf. I placed my big sketchbook slightly opened so it could stand upright on its own.&nbsp;Then:</p><p>A Master Chief funko; tiny stormtrooper figure<span style="color: rgb(29, 78, 216);"> (like, a chibi sitting on this weighted ball, nudge it a little and it bounces back into its original position);</span> a Winnie the Pooh keychain (he's in a blue onesie, and has a black button which flips his face to different expressions when pressed - <span style="color: rgb(29, 78, 216);">I won him at a local arcade); </span>a green hot wheels, tiny shelf compartment housing paperclips to safety pins <span style="color: rgb(29, 78, 216);">(and more hot wheels);</span> and a light bulb shaped lamp/terrarium.</p><p><span style="color: rgb(29, 78, 216); font-size: max(0.875em, 12px); font-weight: bolder;">☆</span><span style="font-size: max(0.875em, 12px); font-weight: bolder;">&nbsp;<span style="color: rgb(29, 78, 216);">➜ OO3 ﹒﹗</span></span><br></p><p>Believe it or not, a shelf of books... On the right side. <span style="color: rgb(29, 78, 216);">That's my book quota for the, like, year.</span> There's an empty sketchbook I've yet to use properly, because the first page keeps giving me <span style="color: rgb(29, 78, 216);">nasty glares in all its blankness</span>.&nbsp;Then there's The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, which I haven't read yet (currently on Gone Girl), before yet another sketchbook - though this one I've been filling up since Spring.&nbsp;</p><p>Oh shit! I've still got a bunch of <span style="color: rgb(29, 78, 216);">Freeprints</span> I need to insert into my <span style="color: rgb(29, 78, 216);">massive scrapbook of love-capades. </span>I first created this to cope with transitioning to temporary long-distance! And then I've got to order even more photo prints, <span style="color: rgb(29, 78, 216);">because I'm grossly sentimental.&nbsp;</span></p><p>Nothing else to note but three lined (and unused) composition books, a RuPaul CD, and some eyeshadow palettes stacked upon each other.</p><p><span style="color: rgb(29, 78, 216);"><span style="font-weight: 700;">⪩</span><span style="font-size: max(0.875em, 12px); font-weight: bolder;">&nbsp;➜ OO4 ﹒﹗</span></span><br></p><p>Below that: a bag of assorted makeup, <span style="color: rgb(29, 78, 216);">this crazy cute dragon-tiger amalgamation of a kinetic clay figure I got from a Mexican arts museum in Chicago,</span> menstrual pads (God forbid me for being fertile), toothpaste, a little traffic light that actually lights up in sequence, my antidepressants, Evri patches<span style="color: rgb(29, 78, 216);"> (God forbid me for being fertile x2),</span> and contact lenses.</p><p>Hardly anything noteworthy in the last two shelves, some miscellaneous cosmetic items, a pillow cover. Etc, etc.</p><h1 style="text-align: center;"><i style="color: rgb(29, 78, 216);">✩ no mucho aqui ✩</i></h1><p style="text-align: center; "><i>The rest of the room is a mess. The bed, wardrobe, floor. Everything. I'm no longer completely out of body, <span style="text-decoration-line: underline;">I know what's around me, I feel what I acknowledge. </span>But it'll take a bit until I'm fully well. Just, idk, this helped a bit, made some things worse. Tomatoes, potatoes. Silly Billy.</i></p></div><p>This was from... 6 months-ish ago? A lot has changed. I'm now unmedicated, and it kinda of super sucks.</p></details><br /><br /><img src="https://www.dreamwidth.org/tools/commentcount?user=taterinx&ditemid=1075" width="30" height="12" alt="comment count unavailable" style="vertical-align: middle;"/> comments</description> <comments>https://taterinx.dreamwidth.org/1075.html</comments> <category>mental health</category> <lj:security>public</lj:security> <lj:reply-count>0</lj:reply-count></item><item> <guid isPermaLink='true'>https://taterinx.dreamwidth.org/872.html</guid> <pubDate>Sat, 06 May 2023 21:32:07 GMT</pubDate> <title>my Vogue 73 questions moment pt. 1</title> <link>https://taterinx.dreamwidth.org/872.html</link> <description><p>Because I'm bored and don't feel like spewing my guts three times in a row about the current inconveniences in my life, often bestowed upon by this gal (that's the next entry - my current identity crisis - either that or I talk about why my new tattoo is the bomb.com), I'm taking some time to get goofy. I got this list of a couple hundred questions from some cool site. Might archive the silly ones in my trivia page.</p><details><summary>Read More</summary><p><em>1. What are the crazy adventures you want to try in your life?</em><br>Mark and Ethan's Unas Annus. Not fond of daily obligations, time moves too quick, so I'd hardly reach that same level. Still, it's those sporadic trips to goat yoga and escape rooms that I consider whack ass fun. I'm also terminally afraid of heights so skydiving was never in the books.</p><p><em>2. What is your favourite smell?</em><br>My partner post-shower :)</p><p><em>3. What is the best Wi-Fi name you have seen in your entire life?</em><br>No one really changes their Wi-Fi names here. Are we culturally devoid as a nation? Eh.</p><p><em>4. Have you ever fallen off your bike in front of a huge crowd?</em><br>Yes. Embarrassingly enough, I was trying to slow down because my path was blocked by kids. They weren't moving so I had to put the breaks on quick. The only working breaks lunged me forward, over the handlebars and onto my ass. Not cute. It was pre-school rush hour.</p><p><em>5. What is it that you keep wanting to smell despite the fact that it doesn't smell particularly good?</em><br>Some things shouldn't be said.</p><p><em>6. Have you ever gone a day without wearing underwear?</em><br>Got groomed.</p><p><em>7. If you can still remember, what are your funniest childhood memories?</em><br>I'll have to sit on this one to really tell some fun stuff, but the first thing that comes to mind is the time I was roller-skating down the street with a friend. A neighbour's dog chased me back home. But I like to think the way I hopped the fence looked really cool.</p><p><em>8. How long do you think you'd survive in a zombie apocalypse?</em><br>They always set these scenarios in America so I wouldn't be able to confidently discern how anyone could shiv through a horde here.</p><p><em>9. If the roses are red, why are violets blue?</em><br>Idk</p><p><em>10. How do you hang toilet paper: over or under?</em><br>Over? Is that something I should think about?</p><p>My answers are dwindling. 240 questions to go. I think this needs separated parts.</p></details><br /><br /><img src="https://www.dreamwidth.org/tools/commentcount?user=taterinx&ditemid=872" width="30" height="12" alt="comment count unavailable" style="vertical-align: middle;"/> comments</description> <comments>https://taterinx.dreamwidth.org/872.html</comments> <category>trivia</category> <lj:security>public</lj:security> <lj:reply-count>0</lj:reply-count></item><item> <guid isPermaLink='true'>https://taterinx.dreamwidth.org/637.html</guid> <pubDate>Tue, 02 May 2023 19:15:50 GMT</pubDate> <title>yesterday's interesting breakthrough</title> <link>https://taterinx.dreamwidth.org/637.html</link> <description><p>I don't like to wear my heart on my sleeve, which is the glorified way of saying I really struggle to discuss my mental health, or really talk about myself at all in a way that isn't, &quot;huh, that reminds me of Doof searching for the correctly sized cable to his inator during that one Phineas and Ferb x Marvel cinematic crossover,&quot; which isn't even trivia <em>about</em> me, just trivia.</p> <p>I suppose writing it out is much easier, but even that feels self-pitying. I know that mindset is bollocks to hell but even without the regulatory body in my conscious, my body itself has seemed to develop this whack ass function where I go into a non-functioning stasis, so even if I so desperately want to voice my qualms I just ... nothing just ... complete ... shock ... and nothing else until I get better enough I don't need to talk through it. Even in my first blog, there was a slight inkling of, &quot;I may not be feeling alright,&quot; but I tried to find a silver-lining to distract from the fact that I'm really, really, bothered.</p> <details><summary>Read More</summary><p>Slight aside: a concept that freaks me out to no end is the idea of vacuum decay. Hobbyist site building is the closest I'll ever get to woman in STEM so Physics doesn't compute to me, but I remember accidentally stumbling across a Quora answer - play jeopardy with me because I can't remember the question - that explained the theory of the false vacuum. Then I watched the Kurzgesagt video. I fucking hate Armageddon/end-of-the-world films, but these ideas took that so much further, kinda dismantling any sorta pseudo-scientific ideas I had on afterlife and the consciousness after death, that was where the fear came from.</p> <p>If you already understand vacuum decay, apply my current state to its logic: I'm sitting as the false vacuum, and have built up so much stress and emotion that I've pushed myself down into the true vacuum, which is emotional vulnerability - tears and some messy but thorough vocalisation of my repressed struggles. Completely burning through the stasis effect I go through usually. I know it's not... You know... The same as the universe's collapse, but I like allegories - I passed literature class sorta. And if you didn't get any of that, not even vacuums to begin with then. Idk. Watch the Kurzgesagt video. Then call your mum and tell her you love her.</p> <p>I had been a part of the Burlesque society at our university for the past two years and was looking to run for committee this September for my final year. I ended up botching my initial speech because none of my friends were there and my social anxiety was peak, lots of stuttering and stammering. A couple days later, I woke up from a terrible nightmare about loss, isolation, and abandonment. Later that day, I saw an anonymous confession on our campus page that seemed geared towards me:</p> <center><p>Loose paraphrasing here: &quot;don't apply for a committee position if you're not going to talk to any of us, we won't be able to make a good judgement of your character to justify voting for you.&quot;</p></center> <p>Fair. It really is. If I saw myself not interact with anyone I'd assume I was an asshole. Of course I came across that way. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself. I don't know. I try to blur my memory of that night because I had completely frozen to the thought of approaching anyone - it truly brought me back to times from high school and A-Levels where everyone had already separated off into their circles that felt so impenetrable.</p> <p>I tried to overstimulate myself with a mix of games and website work, but eventually fell from that &quot;false vacuum&quot; (now that I think about it, that was a really dumb allegory to use, I think I just wanted to prove that I knew science trivia beyond the mitochondria) and started crying into Fletcher's shoulder.</p> <p>Now usually I cry and then freeze up. This time, I fully explained that my feeling of social inadequacy has come back, that I doubt the love from my friends, that reaching out to anyone feels so taxing, and that I still struggle so hard to find the confidence to try to make new connections. I've found out many times in my life that I accidentally give off the impression that I don't want to be talked to. I always shake it off because it's not like friends are going out of their way to reject invitations and avoid me, and I can rationally say that they appreciate my company as much as I appreciate theirs.</p> <p>Still, this committee speech botch-up really messed with me, as did my friends, one by one, leaving the society for whatever reasons (always justified, of course.) I really want to talk to these other people in the society, I really wanted to become friends with my A-Level Media classmates, I really wanted to not be a breaktime wallflower in high school. Depression caused me to live with no aspiration, sense of self, and a wading interest in things I take for granted. I sometimes forget that my anxiety works in tandem to make the connections that save me so much harder to maintain.</p> <p>After venting and snotting all over Fletch, he invited two of our mates over and we had a good time. I love those guys. It was a night of Kung Fu Panda 3, Duck Game, backseating the Lego Star Wars: Skywalker saga, etc. Things felt a little bit better that night. Does it mean things will get better overall? I hope.</p></details><br /><br /><img src="https://www.dreamwidth.org/tools/commentcount?user=taterinx&ditemid=637" width="30" height="12" alt="comment count unavailable" style="vertical-align: middle;"/> comments</description> <comments>https://taterinx.dreamwidth.org/637.html</comments> <category>mental health</category> <lj:mood>contemplative</lj:mood> <lj:security>public</lj:security> <lj:reply-count>0</lj:reply-count></item><item> <guid isPermaLink='true'>https://taterinx.dreamwidth.org/359.html</guid> <pubDate>Sun, 30 Apr 2023 21:05:30 GMT</pubDate> <title>hope I can go back and edit this lol</title> <link>https://taterinx.dreamwidth.org/359.html</link> <description><p>My foot's sunken into the decentralised webspace mud pit. Not that it's bad, not by any means. Just funny. I <em>was</em> going to make a joke about how getting deep into the funsies of web design have isolated me, but it's been a struggle even without that. Having four weeks ('cause Easter? Sure, okay) of no academic obligations is nice but not when your work ethic is already damaged and your mental health is, so severely, swinging like a pendulum, that you've just kinda... <em>floated</em> away from interests because picking up a sketchbook is tougher than maintaining a No Death streak in Two Point Hospital (the current fixation in tandem with my whole web design thingy.) That's a mouth full on its own.</p><details><summary>Read More</summary><p>My social situation isn't particularly dead, but the floating away from things kinda shakes hands firmly with most people in my life being employed or a 5 hr train away - which isn't something I'd feel particularly good complaining about because most of the time I just feel happy to know that they're enjoying the spaces they're in; one of them's in the Philippines rn, and that's just really cool.</p> <p>It's not all woe is me, though. I like my personal space, Fletch keeps me company, most of the hobbies I still enjoy I'm fine to enjoy alone (I have a natural inclination towards singleplayer so whatevs 99% of the time) and introversion isn't a foreign lifestyle anyhow - though I say that term lightly because the whole introvert/extrovert dichotomy thing kinda pees me off nowadays... I'll still mention it in my MBTI result, though, cause categories are fun and I like making it known that I am <em>especially</em> notable in that I'm a mediator (INFP-T), a Scorpio (sun), and whatever else I've got a blinky for.</p> <p>The biggest shame in all this is really just the fact that I made this:</p> <center><a href="https://taterinx.neocities.org"><img src="https://i.imgur.com/DfHjK8n.png" alt="A screenshot of my neocities website at the moment, currently themed after the Windows XP Operating System!" width="75%" position="middle" border="1px solid #919b9c" /></a></center> <p>And I can't help but seriously doubt many people in my social circles share this little curiosity. Maybe they do, it'd be the best surprise ever for us to exchange Neocities and Spaceheys. But hey, Fletch gives all the kisses, praise, and &quot;you'll have to teach me sometime&quot;s I could really need right now, bless him. And, right now, I guess there's something really neat about having an unshared part of your life get discovered, and have it be almost entirely handcrafted, lovingly, by hand.</p></details><br /><br /><img src="https://www.dreamwidth.org/tools/commentcount?user=taterinx&ditemid=359" width="30" height="12" alt="comment count unavailable" style="vertical-align: middle;"/> comments</description> <comments>https://taterinx.dreamwidth.org/359.html</comments> <category>mental health</category> <lj:mood>mellow</lj:mood> <lj:security>public</lj:security> <lj:reply-count>0</lj:reply-count></item></channel></rss> If you would like to create a banner that links to this page (i.e. this validation result), do the following:
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