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<?xml version="1.0" encoding="utf-8"?><feed xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2005/Atom" xml:lang="en"><generator uri="https://jekyllrb.com/" version="3.9.0">Jekyll</generator><link href="https://andreahull.github.io/feed.xml" rel="self" type="application/atom+xml" /><link href="https://andreahull.github.io/" rel="alternate" type="text/html" hreflang="en" /><updated>2020-09-13T06:48:29+00:00</updated><id>https://andreahull.github.io/feed.xml</id><title type="html">mellowtrouble</title><subtitle>blah</subtitle><author><name>andrea hull</name><email>andrea@mellowtrouble.net</email></author><entry><title type="html">I Coulda</title><link href="https://andreahull.github.io/journal/2020-09-13-i-coulda/" rel="alternate" type="text/html" title="I Coulda" /><published>2020-09-13T00:00:00+00:00</published><updated>2020-09-13T00:00:00+00:00</updated><id>https://andreahull.github.io/journal/i-coulda</id><content type="html" xml:base="https://andreahull.github.io/journal/2020-09-13-i-coulda/"><p>at that stage where i think, ‘well, in another lifetime i would have been..’ and there is no real regret or sadness, just a realization that there is finite time and space and energy and i took the other road, etc etc. still, a list to contemplate from time to time to see if i can incorporate aspects of it into life:</p> <h3 id="in-another-life-i-would-have-liked-to-be-a">in another life, i would have liked to be a:</h3> <ul> <li>midwife</li> <li>linguist</li> <li>geologist</li></ul> <p>librarianship was the right path for me, specifically archives and “informatics”, as ucla called it, and i still got to fall in love with working in a public library, too. but it’s nice to think about these other interests. today i am indulging in the geology interest, falling down a wikipedia rabbit-hole and enjoying it immensely. some excellent podcasts and talks in that vein: <a href="https://commondescentpodcast.podbean.com/">common descent</a> especially their extinction episodes starting with episode 5, this <a href="https://longnow.org/seminars/02019/jul/22/timefulness/">long now episode</a> with geologist marcia bjornerud (whose excellent book timefulness i’m currently into), and lisa randall’s <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dark_Matter_and_the_Dinosaurs">dark matter and dinosaurs</a> as an audiobook is super interesting too.</p> <p>fall is quickly approaching and life is cracking with excitement and possibilites. i feel a bit guilty enjoying 2020 so much when so many view this as the Worst Year Ever (tm) but i am too happy to feel very guilty. this is a year of space and possiblity and real results for me and every day i am practically pinching myself to see if it’s real. granted, we are luck lucky lucky to be in japan and i am aware of that. here’s to making the absolute most of it. ~</p></content><author><name>andrea hull</name><email>andrea@mellowtrouble.net</email></author><summary type="html">at that stage where i think, ‘well, in another lifetime i would have been..’ and there is no real regret or sadness, just a realization that there is finite time and space and energy and i took the other road, etc etc. still, a list to contemplate from time to time to see if i can incorporate aspects of it into life:</summary></entry><entry><title type="html">Cicadas And Monkeys</title><link href="https://andreahull.github.io/journal/2020-09-02-cicadas-and-monkeys/" rel="alternate" type="text/html" title="Cicadas And Monkeys" /><published>2020-09-02T00:00:00+00:00</published><updated>2020-09-02T00:00:00+00:00</updated><id>https://andreahull.github.io/journal/cicadas-and-monkeys</id><content type="html" xml:base="https://andreahull.github.io/journal/2020-09-02-cicadas-and-monkeys/"><p><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UkDIGxl7XlU">monkeys</a>:<img src="/assets/img/IMG_20200831_103520-ANIMATION.gif" alt="" /></p> <p><a href="http://songsofinsects.com/cicadas">cicadas</a> [<a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tanna_japonensis">1</a>, <a href="https://japantoday.com/category/features/5-facts-about-the-special-significance-of-cicadas-in-japan">2</a>]:<a href="https://photos.app.goo.gl/Zakj7pC7fkhgxVtP8">click to see a cicada up-close</a></p> <p>i’ve been running for five months now and the most surprising thing and positive thing is not getting in shape, feeling closer to my dad, feeling limber and light, completing a challenging goal - nope, though those are all true, it’s none of that. the most surprising and positive thing is feeling closer to nature. we are surrounded by nature here in our home with hills to the north and an ancient lake to the east and yet i didn’t really feel close to it, to know what its cycles look like, to know even a taste of the flora and fauna, until i started to run. i’ve seen spring come and go, i’ve seen summer come and now it goes. they were both glorious and a part of me grieves the end of summer. but i can’t wait to see fall and winter in all their glory, too.</p> <p>happy september ~</p></content><author><name>andrea hull</name><email>andrea@mellowtrouble.net</email></author><summary type="html">monkeys:</summary></entry><entry><title type="html">Windows</title><link href="https://andreahull.github.io/journal/2020-08-20-windows/" rel="alternate" type="text/html" title="Windows" /><published>2020-08-20T00:00:00+00:00</published><updated>2020-08-20T00:00:00+00:00</updated><id>https://andreahull.github.io/journal/windows</id><content type="html" xml:base="https://andreahull.github.io/journal/2020-08-20-windows/"><p>so, a week ago, i got a new laptop. it’s windows. what a bizarre new world.</p> <p>my first computer, at age 14ish, was a black-and-white macintosh se. we got it a few months before the first color macs came out and i remember discussing with my dad whether we should wait. we both agreed we shouldn’t lol. (such a great dad.) i think we got it at radio shack, and i distinctly remember holding the <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prodigy_(online_service)">prodigy</a> cd in my hand as the salesperson explained what a modem was. i loved prodigy - i joined a bunch of anne mccaffrey’s fandom groups and i would explore all the parts of the prodigy portal. i had no idea about usenet or anything beyond the prodigy world, but it was super exciting to dial-up, connect, and poke around here and there. oh! and i went tetris crazy. we had a king’s quest that was way too slow compared to our wonderful little nintendo, but tetris was so addictive and fun. i would dream at night in tetris sometimes.</p> <p>then, starting college, i got my first laptop. it was a gateway with windows on it. i changed my cursor to a <a href="http://www.rw-designer.com/cursor-set/dog">running dog</a> and played too many hours of minesweeper on it while listening to italian dance music and r&amp;b on my boombox. i would help people in my dorm with computer stuff sometimes and then i took a computer class at school in junior year that made me think, oh, i should have at least minored in computer science, ah well. i remember thinking that coding was just like learning another language and i was good at languages.</p> <p>after moving to l.a., a friend gave me a really old donated desktop computer, a super junker so i could just practice putting together a computer and also have <em>something</em> since my laptop was like six+ years old at that point. it was windows though, maybe even windows nt?, and it was so clunky and the computer itself so old and glitchy. i set my wifi up with no password because i thought that access to the internet should be available to <a href="https://openwireless.org/">everyone</a>. (i still do think that.) i learned how to write html on this windows machine and also the public computers at ucla’s yrl library many nights every week. i set up a geocities page, using the name ‘mellowtrouble’ for the first time. i had that machine less than a year, maybe only months.</p> <p>right before i started the master’s program at ucla, i got my first mac laptop. i also got a newly released ipod with it. i think i could choose a printer or an ipod, something like that, and i went with the ipod. i remember explaining to co-workers and friends how it worked. people were pretty dubious about it, which is funny now. i still have it in bolivia, it weighs a ton, and it’s thick and shiny with glass. but it works still! i went to town with it and the laptop, setting up itunes and then cursing itunes, but using firefox and discovering youtube and so on. i learned xml and css on this computer and became webmaster for some library groups and orgs at school.</p> <p>i moved back to maryland in 2006 and for christmas, i got computer #5, my third laptop and another mac. this time it was black and i remember it was my christmas present. that christmas my mom decided it would be fun to hide all the gifts, like a mash-up of christmas and easter. we were not amused. my dad just came up at some point and said, hey, look over there. i was thrilled. less than a year later he would be diagnosed with brain cancer and that same laptop would play his favorite songs at his funeral. i used a windows machine at the library but it was still super clunky and annoying, so i happily came home to my laptop every day. i posted a lot here about fiber stuff and links i found interesting. i handcoded this website for a while and then tried various cms, like textpattern.</p> <p>since i’m rambling, i might as well also say: my dad was not very good with computers! he was insistent that us kids learn how to use them as he was sure it was an important skill, but he himself would get frustrated often. he would ask me to write out exactly what did he need to do to check his email, login to various sites, and so on. i remember being a little kid and visiting him at his work in the early 80s they all had these green-screened computers on their desks and my dad seemed perfectly comfortable with them. he told me they were not computers, but rather dummies that just reflected what the main computer had on it, but you could press various buttons to bring up more information and so on. anyhow, things changed quickly and maybe he found it difficult to keep up, or maybe his cancer, which we think now he probably denied for a while, made it more difficult, i don’t know. i can easily imagine if he had somehow survived - though less than 5% of people survive more than 3 years and most die within a year - if he had, he would have loved an ipad. he always said his dream was to sit on a beach with a laptop, cellphone, and a good internet connection, and work from there. it sounded far-fetched back then, but i’ve done it myself, thinking of him every time.</p> <p>once our second girl was born, i got a new macbook air. it was wonderful. our internet speeds were atrocious and infuriating at times, but that was not the laptop’s fault lol. i’ve traveled with it in buses and planes, dropped it many many times, stepped on it once, and generally abused it. this past year, i started teaching english online so i have been pushing it the limits, using all 8gb of ram many hours every day. at some point, my computer broke down and i had to reinstall mac os. it worked but i found i wasn’t able to save anything to my desktop and if i tried, the finder would freak out and beachball for a long time. then the fans started to be on 24/7. then they went completely quiet, which was ominous. then, two weeks ago, the screen started to flicker and my video would freeze up in the middle of teaching.</p> <p>this is becoming a very long story, but basically, i quickly became convinced i should try a windows machine. i didn’t want a desktop, since we travel every year - though who knows what will happen with coronavirus now - and i needed a fast laptop. the way i teach, i need to have enough ram and processor to be able to run the fairly bulky proprietary teaching company software, the streaming software (i use <a href="https://obsproject.com/">obs</a>, it is awesome), and google slides which has all the props and rewards, all at the same time. i needed a processor with at least a 2.0ghz clock speed. the air doesn’t reach that and the pro could, but at an impossible price tag. basically, i needed a gaming computer. so, that’s what i got: an asus zephyrus g14. i upped the ram but otherwise it is a wonderful laptop. so many gaming computers are super bulky and heavy, especially compared to the macs. this one had a 14 inch screen which is lovely compared to my air with its 11 inch screen but is still light and easily portable. it runs hot, but there are ways to work around that, and it’s a small complaint. laptops shouldn’t be on your laps anyhow.</p> <p>as for the windows software? muuuuch better than i remember. smoother, prettier to look at, with lots of options to tweak and customize. i love that there are so many apps available to me now, too. oh, and i love not being tied to iphoto, itunes, iwhatever, and being reminded that pages or garage band or whatever even exists. i had to set up some additional security software but otherwise, it’s been a smooth transition so far.</p> <p>at some point, i’ll buy a new ipad, maybe even a mac desktop, but another mac laptop? it’s hard to imagine right now. computer #7 is all that i hoped and more. so, seven computers in thirty years. the older i get, the easier it is to see patterns in life, consistencies and interests. it’s important to remember what remains and persists and, if they are good things, follow them for more.</p></content><author><name>andrea hull</name><email>andrea@mellowtrouble.net</email></author><summary type="html">so, a week ago, i got a new laptop. it’s windows. what a bizarre new world. my first computer, at age 14ish, was a black-and-white macintosh se. we got it a few months before the first color macs came out and i remember discussing with my dad whether we should wait. we both agreed we shouldn’t lol. (such a great dad.) i think we got it at radio shack, and i distinctly remember holding the prodigy cd in my hand as the salesperson explained what a modem was. i loved prodigy - i joined a bunch of anne mccaffrey’s fandom groups and i would explore all the parts of the prodigy portal. i had no idea about usenet or anything beyond the prodigy world, but it was super exciting to dial-up, connect, and poke around here and there. oh! and i went tetris crazy. we had a king’s quest that was way too slow compared to our wonderful little nintendo, but tetris was so addictive and fun. i would dream at night in tetris sometimes. then, starting college, i got my first laptop. it was a gateway with windows on it. i changed my cursor to a running dog and played too many hours of minesweeper on it while listening to italian dance music and r&amp;b on my boombox. i would help people in my dorm with computer stuff sometimes and then i took a computer class at school in junior year that made me think, oh, i should have at least minored in computer science, ah well. i remember thinking that coding was just like learning another language and i was good at languages.</summary></entry><entry><title type="html">Hello Old Friend</title><link href="https://andreahull.github.io/journal/2020-08-12-hello-old-friend/" rel="alternate" type="text/html" title="Hello Old Friend" /><published>2020-08-12T00:00:00+00:00</published><updated>2020-08-12T00:00:00+00:00</updated><id>https://andreahull.github.io/journal/hello-old-friend</id><content type="html" xml:base="https://andreahull.github.io/journal/2020-08-12-hello-old-friend/"><p>here we are, in the future. still. it’s amazing.</p> <p>i’m 43 now, but i still remember being 20 and sitting in ucla’s yrl late at night trying to figure out basic html and settling on the name ‘mellowtrouble’ because that was the names of two my four kittens. i was re-learning how to bike, or rather learning how to bike without fear. (our youngest learned how to bike a few months ago and watching her learn so quickly and happily with her father made me think about the unhappiness and stress and downright fear i felt when i was seven, eight, ten. it’s surprising to me to remember how often i was scared and how much being a scaredy-cat was a real part of my personality, or so it seemed.) i was meeting all these new people who knew about music and books and art that i had never heard of, they had all these social skills that made me see what an odd duck i was. i felt like such a fish out of water. such a square. and i was - and probably still am. the difference is, now, at 43 i don’t really care. i can shrug sorry, but then i’m too busy to care that much, too interested in the world and my head and the people i love and the important issues in the world and the richness of nature. now, at 43, i feel the press of time not because i am x ages and still not cool, but rather because i can see clearly that there is not enough time for all i want to do. i’m feeling ambitious in a way i have never been. maybe in a way i never allowed myself to be.</p> <p>it’s funny, that ambition leads me back to the website i started when i was a startled twenty year old living far away from her family and unsure about so much. what goes around, comes around, but in new ways, surprising ways. there is a stability in my life now that there hasn’t been in forever, so i can see that girl with compassion and humor and even some respect. i remember for a long time, i couldn’t see pictures of myself from when i was in l.a. or, even earlier, from bryn mawr, without feeling the urge to slap that girl, that is, me. the feeling surprised me, shocked me even. what in the world was that about, i would think, and then quickly my mind would slide past, not wanting to dwell on what was clearly a problem in me. now though, i kind of shake my head, smile, and wonder at that girl who is still me and yet someone different, green, unknowing.</p> <p>it feels odd writing here, so self-indulgent. i don’t expect anyone to read here, it’s been so long since i posted with any kind of regularity, and when i did it was often knitting-related or book-related. i’m not sure what this space should be, really. i’ll think it through, but mostly i want it to keep tracking, however intermittently, my life. so, hello old friend ~</p></content><author><name>andrea hull</name><email>andrea@mellowtrouble.net</email></author><summary type="html">here we are, in the future. still. it’s amazing.</summary></entry><entry><title type="html">january is twelve</title><link href="https://andreahull.github.io/journal/2019-02-01-january-is-twelve/" rel="alternate" type="text/html" title="january is twelve" /><published>2019-02-01T00:00:00+00:00</published><updated>2019-02-01T00:00:00+00:00</updated><id>https://andreahull.github.io/journal/january%20is%20twelve</id><content type="html" xml:base="https://andreahull.github.io/journal/2019-02-01-january-is-twelve/"><p><img src="/assets/img/goodreads2019_feb12019.png" alt="screenshot of goodreads books read so far this year" /></p> <p>hooray, twelve books read in january! even if i don’t read a single book the rest of the year - which would be frustrating to say the least - at least i have now read as many book as there are months in a year, and two more than last year. it is very easy to get caught in a numbers game with these goodread challenges - how many books did x read? how many pages is this book i want to read? will it take too long? is it cheating to count this novella? etc etc. so silly, all of it - and i know that logically of course but it’s easy nonetheless to fall into that kind of thinking.</p> <p>anyhow, i read some great books this month. a fairly good mix too, i think. one classic (Austen’s Persuasion), two translated (Jansson’s Moominland in Midwinter - which also counts as a children’s book - and Belli’s Scroll of Seduction), one non-fiction (Eddo-Lodge’s Why I’m No Longer Talking to White People about Race), one poetry book (Red Bird by Mary Oliver), one fantasy (Foundryside by Robert Jackson Bennett), one romance (The Kiss Quotient by Helen Hoang), one novella (Bennett’s The Uncommon Reader), and three literary (Ali Smith’s Winter, Rachel Kushner’s The Mars Room, and Sarah Moss’ Ghost Wall). three of these books are by non-white writers, ten of the twelve were by women, but then i have always tended to read books mostly by women.</p> <p>this year I have six specific reading goals (been watching a lot of booktube, hence the goals, ha):</p><ul> <li>52 books read,</li> <li>lots of DNF (did not finish) which would mean i took a lot of risks reading-wise,</li> <li>at least 2 books of poetry (am thinking to bump that to 5),</li> <li>at least 4 books in translation (thinking of bumping that to 12),</li> <li>at least 20 books by non-white writers,</li> <li>and one classic a month (literary, scifi, whatever - i get to define classic).</li></ul> <p>my favorite books read this month are Autumn, Ghost Wall, Red Bird, and Foundryside. it had been so long since i read a fantasy (probably 2017??), Foundryside really got me so excited for that genre again. solid writing + solid world-building = very good fantasy. i’d been meaning to read Sarah Moss for years and finally did and it was excellent - reminded me of other creepy English history stories, aka Susan Cooper’s Greenwitch, high compliment that. i’ve only read one other Ali Smith book (2014’s How to be Both) and loved it so much i immediately declared her one of my favorite writers of all time. as a result, i was shy about reading anything else by her, worried it would disappoint. also, if it was good, i knew it would be challenging to read, would take some emotional investment, so i waited. but now, yeah, Autumn was really good. not as great as How to be Both, but still really really good, and intend to read the rest of the quartet this year and next year. and lastly Mary Oliver - well, she died ;( and so i came across some poetry of hers on Twitter and then some more and then more and then I thought, oh c’mon and grabbed a book of hers i’ve been meaning to read for ages and read the whole collection over a week or so. reading her poetry makes me take a deep breath in and slowly let it out. i can’t think of a better or more true compliment than that.</p> <p>will definitely look for more works by all four of these authors. and now this month, i want a bit more non-fiction, a memoir or two, maybe a short story collection as well. so glad reading is back in my life. &lt;3</p></content><author><name>andrea hull</name><email>andrea@mellowtrouble.net</email></author><summary type="html"></summary></entry><entry><title type="html">come back</title><link href="https://andreahull.github.io/journal/2019-01-24-come-back/" rel="alternate" type="text/html" title="come back" /><published>2019-01-24T00:00:00+00:00</published><updated>2019-01-24T00:00:00+00:00</updated><id>https://andreahull.github.io/journal/come-back</id><content type="html" xml:base="https://andreahull.github.io/journal/2019-01-24-come-back/"><p>last summer i stumbled upon a small store in.. well if i say where it will sounds like i am making it up or am trying to sound fancy or whatever but the point is i found it and in it was the most amazing collection of clothing. in hindsight, i should have known: the wooden sign for the store was swinging in such a way, it was clear something was afoot. initially we walked past it - me staring at the sign as we approached and then passed it, hurrying to our lunch reservation, big group party, careful of the cobbled stones, hurry hurry etc - but then ten steps passed i stopped, said i would meet them there, and ran back, holding my then-four year old’s hand. we walked in and both immediately gasped. she because it was mostly flouncy dresses and looked like clothing fairies would wear and me because.. well it looked like clothing fairies would wear. but not the sparkling glittery going-to-a-ball-every-night kind of fairy but rather the kind of fairy that lives out at the edge of the woods, in a house that is part tree roots and part stone and moss. and this fairy is like an herbalist and/or a midwife and she has lots of crockery and two maybe three cats max. she lives alone, takes no nonsense, is always busy, often barefoot, always ready to laugh, etc. also she kind of dresses like it is the 80s but in earth tones only. like an extra in a duran duran video, but friendlier though not particularly in a super smiley way.</p> <p>of course i wanted to buy everything. of course there was a proprietress and of course she was this cool older lady. i was envious of her, this life i totally imagined she had, that she had created. i tried on half a dozen outfits, my daughter said i looked beautiful in them (she is a straight shooter. she has told me many times she prefers me without my glasses. even after i got new ones.) she said i should get them all. at $100, $200 a pop, not gonna happen. i sighed though maybe a small bit happily just knowing such a store exists, spotted a sales basket, dug out a pair of $20 cotton pants that could be worn front or back (!!), bought said pants without even trying them on, asked if the store was online (they are not), and left in a rushed daze.</p> <p>the odds are i will never return there, it is so far away, and i am not alas a woodland or forest fairy so probably within a week or so i would just piss people off. but in my heart of hearts, i dress like that and when i am dead and gone, i will defffffinitely dress like that, because, once bleached, it is perfect haunting clothing.</p> <p>oh and of course not even two weeks later i left those beloved pants at my childhood house the day my mother moved from there and am doubtful i will ever see them again. ahh.</p> <p>all of this to say i want to remember the things i love, the things that i have always gravitated to. that is, not individual things but the categories, the topics etc, however frivolous. it is amazing how one can forget such things. like last year i read 10 books. t-e-n. 1 and 0. and that is including the four i read in december and the two textbooks i read in class. and i didn’t even realize this fact until december. that might be the worst part.</p> <p>i feel like it has been years now, maybe since the babies were born, maybe before or after, maybe just from getting older, time passing - but anyhow it feels like years now since i.. i don’t even know what it is. maybe it is: i want to rediscover the pure joy i used to feel and i want to feel it regularly. i wasn’t a particularly happy kid or teen or 20-something (for suuuure) but there were moments of joy, of pure happiness, of wonder, of deep happy sighs, of hours spent following my nose and getting lost in things. to be clear, i get joy and love still, often in fact, from my family and sometimes even from nature, if i am looking hard enough. but also, i wrinkle my forehead too much. i pull my mouth tight. i tense my shoulders. i clench my fists. things need to change. i think i need to find me again in a way. joy is probably the wrong word and pure added to it is most likely ridiculous. the deep happy sigh is closer to what i mean maybe, not sure - or the following my nose thing. not sure.</p> <p>and so anyhow i am reading a lot. and i am remembering that clothing shop. and i am listening to more music. and i am trying to welcome all the old loves i gave up somewhere along the way - the inappropriate footwear, the curly doodles i used to draw everywhere (last year i remember i could only find triangle and harsh squares doodling. the curls were just not in me anymore.) and who knows what else i have dropped along the way, thinking they would always be there, waiting for me. come back to me, i am still me, i want to cry. i just forgot and got busy and maybe gave away too much of me but now i am here and back and i need you too, so that the me that moves forward, that -can- move forward, is all of me.</p> <p>something like that. sorry for the vagueness of it all. as much as it bothers you, it bothers me more. am still trying to figure it out. ~~ bye</p></content><author><name>andrea hull</name><email>andrea@mellowtrouble.net</email></author><summary type="html">last summer i stumbled upon a small store in.. well if i say where it will sounds like i am making it up or am trying to sound fancy or whatever but the point is i found it and in it was the most amazing collection of clothing. in hindsight, i should have known: the wooden sign for the store was swinging in such a way, it was clear something was afoot. initially we walked past it - me staring at the sign as we approached and then passed it, hurrying to our lunch reservation, big group party, careful of the cobbled stones, hurry hurry etc - but then ten steps passed i stopped, said i would meet them there, and ran back, holding my then-four year old’s hand. we walked in and both immediately gasped. she because it was mostly flouncy dresses and looked like clothing fairies would wear and me because.. well it looked like clothing fairies would wear. but not the sparkling glittery going-to-a-ball-every-night kind of fairy but rather the kind of fairy that lives out at the edge of the woods, in a house that is part tree roots and part stone and moss. and this fairy is like an herbalist and/or a midwife and she has lots of crockery and two maybe three cats max. she lives alone, takes no nonsense, is always busy, often barefoot, always ready to laugh, etc. also she kind of dresses like it is the 80s but in earth tones only. like an extra in a duran duran video, but friendlier though not particularly in a super smiley way.</summary></entry><entry><title type="html">dear friends, once more</title><link href="https://andreahull.github.io/journal/2019-01-19-dear-friends-once-more/" rel="alternate" type="text/html" title="dear friends, once more" /><published>2019-01-19T00:00:00+00:00</published><updated>2019-01-19T00:00:00+00:00</updated><id>https://andreahull.github.io/journal/dear-friends-once-more</id><content type="html" xml:base="https://andreahull.github.io/journal/2019-01-19-dear-friends-once-more/"><p>my girls are 5 and 7 now, so if i were someone else i would say that is still very young, those are little kids and the mom is still a new mom in a way. but woah, it feels very differently on this side. on this side, it seems like there so’s many versions, even lifetimes!, of me as a mother. the expectant mother, the nursing mother, the toddler mother, the pre-school mother, the elementary school mother. and then there’s the patient mother, the creative mother, the mother-who-loses-her-shit, the depressed mother, the grateful mother, the stressed-out mother, the joyful mother, the cuddly mother, the lazy mother.</p> <p>it is hard to not put my own messes onto my girls - either by taking out my frustrations and sad emotions etc on them -or- by projecting, thinking they have the same issues i did as a kid or do still now as an adult. so many things wrong with that sentence, those feelings and actions, i know! but every day, i try again. that’s ultimately the only real thing i can do. i mean of course, i can think about what i did wrong, try to be better prepared, try to think ahead, see the big picture, remember they are so small still, remember i am the adult in the situation presumably, and so on - but really at the end of the day, when i’m cleaning up all the little pieces of paper off the floor for the umpteenth time, collecting socks from the corners of the house, folding their clothings, and straightening up the bookshelves (once a librarian, always..), at the end of the day, the most important thing is that i get up the next day and try again.</p> <p>..of course, in the midst of writing this, i lose my patience and yell at them. ohhh the irony. tempted to delete this entire thing and give up on the idea of doing anything ever again. ha, dramatic much. but no - look, being a parent has been the hardest thing i have ever done. if i had known beforehand what it would be like, i’m not sure i would have chosen it. i really don’t know if i am the right kind of person, if my temperament and personality is really suited to being a mother. and that scares and depresses me. it is the hardest thing i have done and i know it will get harder in some ways as we move into the pre-teen and teen years and beyond. that is mind-boggling.</p> <p>but with all that said, of course they are also the best thing that has ever happened to me. they are my shining sparkling sweet stars, sun, and moon that eclipse everything and are worth everything to me. i don’t know who i would be without them and i hope i never have to learn. they inspire me and surprise me and make me laugh so much. it’s just impossible to explain ultimately. i love them so, and the love they shower me with, every single day, is just such a gift, such a treasure. they are my heart.</p> <p>so, again - all i can do is try, and try again. welp, here i go - time to make lunch, time to hang laundry, time to pull myself away from this naval-gazing that however trite and eye-rolling to others is helpful to my heart. writing here, writing somewhere, it’s a balm to my soul, i tell you. ok, bye ~</p></content><author><name>andrea hull</name><email>andrea@mellowtrouble.net</email></author><summary type="html">my girls are 5 and 7 now, so if i were someone else i would say that is still very young, those are little kids and the mom is still a new mom in a way. but woah, it feels very differently on this side. on this side, it seems like there so’s many versions, even lifetimes!, of me as a mother. the expectant mother, the nursing mother, the toddler mother, the pre-school mother, the elementary school mother. and then there’s the patient mother, the creative mother, the mother-who-loses-her-shit, the depressed mother, the grateful mother, the stressed-out mother, the joyful mother, the cuddly mother, the lazy mother.</summary></entry><entry><title type="html">three years and change</title><link href="https://andreahull.github.io/journal/2019-01-11-three-years-and-change/" rel="alternate" type="text/html" title="three years and change" /><published>2019-01-11T00:00:00+00:00</published><updated>2019-01-11T00:00:00+00:00</updated><id>https://andreahull.github.io/journal/three-years-and-change</id><content type="html" xml:base="https://andreahull.github.io/journal/2019-01-11-three-years-and-change/"><p>a few weeks ago, right before the new year, i kept thinking over and over “we are living in the future!” and yes, hello 2019, it is indeed the future. and my fingers have been itching to write down, type down, tell someone, even just yell it out into the void that is the internet, that i am still here and that we are living in the <em>future</em>, folks. which 1) means i am getting old (something i am semi-preoccupied with, somewhat in a soppy way but also somewhat in a bad way. more on that later. maybe. lucky you.) and so 2) i have decided to revive this little corner of mine on the web. it has indeed gotten cobwebby but easily spiffied up thank goodness, just one night - er, and day - of biting my lip and cursing my sad outdated tech skills. my writing alas alack is not better, not full of grace and wisdom, but is more like how whenever i get the random chance to play a piano for a minute or two, my fingers still manage somehow to find the exact same errors and stumbles they did the last time i played the piano with any kind of regularity, that is, twenty-four years ago. so, that sucks. anyhow, i need a place to talk. maybe just to myself, and that is ok.</p> <p>ok, no big point here - just my fingers and brain pleased i have a place again to chatter away. at some point, i will hopefully add actual potentially-useful content. and also pretty pictures. that doesn’t sound too bad, right? i hope. so, more soon.</p> <p>oh p.s. to sum up three years and change: no, it is too long, i can’t. but basically right now i’m forty-one, mama to two girls, currently living in japan, and planning to go back to bolivia next year and then back to japan the following year and so on. also, intensively studying the japanese language and kinda freaking out about the 41 thing. also, biking a lot and currently reading a lot and trying to be plant-based vegan but mostly just convenience-store-vegetarian with lots and lots of mochi and popcorn. hey.</p></content><author><name>andrea hull</name><email>andrea@mellowtrouble.net</email></author><summary type="html">a few weeks ago, right before the new year, i kept thinking over and over “we are living in the future!” and yes, hello 2019, it is indeed the future. and my fingers have been itching to write down, type down, tell someone, even just yell it out into the void that is the internet, that i am still here and that we are living in the future, folks. which 1) means i am getting old (something i am semi-preoccupied with, somewhat in a soppy way but also somewhat in a bad way. more on that later. maybe. lucky you.) and so 2) i have decided to revive this little corner of mine on the web. it has indeed gotten cobwebby but easily spiffied up thank goodness, just one night - er, and day - of biting my lip and cursing my sad outdated tech skills. my writing alas alack is not better, not full of grace and wisdom, but is more like how whenever i get the random chance to play a piano for a minute or two, my fingers still manage somehow to find the exact same errors and stumbles they did the last time i played the piano with any kind of regularity, that is, twenty-four years ago. so, that sucks. anyhow, i need a place to talk. maybe just to myself, and that is ok.</summary></entry><entry><title type="html">how to avoid burnout and sadness, no joke.</title><link href="https://andreahull.github.io/journal/2015-10-02-avoiding-burnout/" rel="alternate" type="text/html" title="how to avoid burnout and sadness, no joke." /><published>2015-10-02T00:00:00+00:00</published><updated>2015-10-02T00:00:00+00:00</updated><id>https://andreahull.github.io/journal/avoiding-burnout</id><content type="html" xml:base="https://andreahull.github.io/journal/2015-10-02-avoiding-burnout/"><p>I had a long to-do list today, most of which involved going out to the city and calling people and making appointments and so on. All of that has, as of 12:09, been ditched and again, as of 12:10, as I type, that feels like the right decision. It is easier, sure - and I am suspicious of that but I have also learned at the wise old age of 38 (!) to trust my gut. One or two phone calls can’t wait, so those will happen.. but everything else can wait. Instead, here’s my list of what’s done so far:</p> <ul> <li>cleaned kitchen, nothing major just a general tidying up.</li> <li>emptied out freezer, tossing old stuff and food I will never eat.</li> <li>finished making <a href="http://www.japanesecooking101.com/inarizushi-inari-sushi-recipe/">inarizushi</a>.</li> <li>made <a href="http://www.boliviabella.com/cunape-cheese-bread-balls.html">cuñapes</a>, 4 dozen of them (1 dozen consumed asap as they were slightly burnt and also they were delicious so it was an easy sacrifice.)</li> <li>took care of BB all morning, and she was perfect sweetheart, singing to herself and telling me “I drawing, mama” over and over. I love 22 months old babies, they are the best. But then I say that every month I think.</li> <li>online shopped for loose cute jeans/pants because I am beyond tired of tight skinny jeans. I get it, they’re fashionable. Whoooo caaaares. Found some <a href="http://www.hm.com/us/product/34202?article=34202-A">great wide-legged pants at h&amp;m</a>.</li> <li>yoga! A post for another day but I’ve had a real breakthrough in terms of goals lately and it feels awesome.</li> <li>catching up on youtube subscriptions (like this <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1HzuM9cMZPc">great one</a>) and stuff. Lots of silly tv watching but at least there’s no commercials and I need this now and then.</li> <li>continued slogging through the gigantic book <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/22294061-romantic-outlaws">Romantic Outlaws</a> about Mary Wollstonecraft and her daughter Mary Shelley. It’s enjoyable so not a horrible slogging time but goodness, annoying hipsters have existed forever it seems.</li> <li>laundry, inclduing washing my trusty rei mini-backpack that although it a decade old and is used constantly, looks just as new as ever.</li> <li>&amp; now, writing here of course.</li></ul> <p>The reason I stopped what I was doing to write is due to that gut feeling and following it. I think one of the main things that hold me back in life, in my plans and dreams, is feeling like I always have to be moving forward and that moving forward looks only like x, whatever x is. I have tried in my life to change x from whatever it meant to my parents or other authority figures to something that is meaningful to me, and that is important.. but now I’m realizing the problem is bigger than x. I need to stop feeling that forward motion is always the goal. I mean, we don’t see that in nature, do we, with plants for example. Fall and winter, ring a bell?</p> <p>I move slower than most in some ways, so little changes, daily changes, are way more difficult for me than sudden big dramatic changes, and in the big changes, I tend to not overthink them but just follow my gut and jump. (I.e. deciding to attend Bryn Mawr, majoring in Russian, moving to L.A., applying to library school, moving to Bolivia, I could go on..) But in the little stuff, oh I can obsess over those things to death. And I can make myself feel so crappy about them, so much more judgemental that I would ever be on anyone else about the same things. What in someone else would be a funny moment, in me it shows a fundamental fatal flaw, duh duh duh duuuhhhh. Oh, the drama. And the wasted energy, the wasted time.</p> <p>As a parent especially, it is so very very easy to be super self-critical and demanding. I want to be able to do everything I did before, and better!, *and* I want to be the best mom, the mom my kids deserve, that all kids deserve, am I right? So, then the self-loathing and lashing begins. Well, screw that. What my kids most need, besides food and shelter, is happy parents. Sane parents. A nice mama who isn’t always busy or tense or feeling guilty or running late or etc etc.</p> <p>Last night I stayed up way too late wandering about on this super information highway of ours, and this morning I woke up with dread because I did not want to work on this to-do list of mine. So instead of forcing it, I just canceled it all. As a result, I got a ton of other good things done, my forehead is unwrinkled and my stomach is happy and my little baby is currently napping peacefully on our bed. What else can I ask for, really? Progress is great, sure it is, but so is basking for a day in this beautiful life we have created through a lot of sacrifice and luck and work and smart decision-making and so on. And watch, when I do move next, the jump will be just as big as it would have been anyhow, the list will be completed but this time, I’ll be smiling as I do it. Probably. I’m perverse that way.</p> <p>Happy October ~ this past month was one of the best I’ve had in a long long time, and I think a large part of that came from prioritizing being happy *now* and valueing what that brings to the table. Anyhow, here’s hoping and working on making this next month just as great.</p></content><author><name>andrea hull</name><email>andrea@mellowtrouble.net</email></author><summary type="html">I had a long to-do list today, most of which involved going out to the city and calling people and making appointments and so on. All of that has, as of 12:09, been ditched and again, as of 12:10, as I type, that feels like the right decision. It is easier, sure - and I am suspicious of that but I have also learned at the wise old age of 38 (!) to trust my gut. One or two phone calls can’t wait, so those will happen.. but everything else can wait. Instead, here’s my list of what’s done so far:</summary></entry><entry><title type="html">late june 2015</title><link href="https://andreahull.github.io/journal/2015-06-26-hello/" rel="alternate" type="text/html" title="late june 2015" /><published>2015-06-26T00:00:00+00:00</published><updated>2015-06-26T00:00:00+00:00</updated><id>https://andreahull.github.io/journal/hello</id><content type="html" xml:base="https://andreahull.github.io/journal/2015-06-26-hello/"><p>today marks the beginning of winter vacation for our oldest daughter (now in pre-k, can you believe it!) and woah, i am happy about that. since she started in school in february, our life has been kicked up a few notches, with lots of going back and forth here and there, lots of planning and scheduling, and very little downtime. being a parent means there’s no <em>true</em> downtime ever, really, but still, this feels like it could be just the big deep breath that i’ve been needing for weeks.</p> <p>i’ve been working on a few different projects for a while now, covering tech stuff, book stuff, and craftsy stuff. all the usual. ;) all of these i hope to progress on a bunch during the next two weeks.</p> <p>let’s see, tech-wise it’s lately <a href="http://amara.org">amara.og</a> to learn how to create valid HTML5 subtitles for videos, taking MOOCs via <a href="http://edx.org">edx.org</a> like Harvard’s CS50 and the W3C’s HTML5 class, working my way ever so slowly through <a href="http://freecodecodecamp.com">Free Code Camp</a>, and more. lots of <a href="http://codeacademy.com">codeacademy</a> and <a href="http://codeschool.com">codeschool</a>, oh and <a href="https://www.bento.io/">bento</a> too. so many resources out there, it’s bewildering but exciting. also i’m always playing around with this here (and others) <a href="https://pages.github.com/">github pages</a>, making sure i got <a href="http://daringfireball.net/projects/markdown/syntax">markdown</a> figured out and all that.</p> <p>as for the books side of things, i’ve been reading up a storm - well for adult me, at least. thirty+ books so far, and i’ve enjoyed all but one or two of them, and the vast majority i really liked, especially alan weisman’s the world without us, ali smith’s how to be both, frances hardinge’s a face like glass, and ray bradbury’s the martian chronicles. hmm, see <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/user_challenges/1894759">here</a> for more. anyhow, i’m getting better at learning to say no to books that are boring, repetitive, bad, or pretentious - or even just books that aren’t for me at that moment. it’s a relief. i think i have enough ocd tendencies that i used to feel super uncomfortable with the idea of not finishing a book. ridiculous! life is too short, you know, to read bad books. i have some other book plans, big and small, but those are best not talking about until i have something to show for it. we shall see. hopefully.</p> <p>and lastly, crafts. i’ve knitted one item this year. one. it took months - and i’ve decided to put it on our youngest backwards because the collar looks better that way. in other words, it wasn’t a complete success. nonetheless, the knits from the past few years are still being used constantly, so that is a source of pride. cooking-wise, which is a craft, i’ve learned how to cook one particular bolivian dish, sajta it is called, very well and i’m so pleased. it involves cooking tunta too, which is a form of dehydrated potato, a specialty in bolivia. it tastes must better than the description sounds, but anyhow, i’ve always wondered how to cook it and now i know. it’s easy, really. i keep meaning to document how to cook it so maybe that’ll appear here some day.</p> <p>and that is that. happy friday ~ happy end of june ~ goodbye!</p></content><author><name>andrea hull</name><email>andrea@mellowtrouble.net</email></author><summary type="html">today marks the beginning of winter vacation for our oldest daughter (now in pre-k, can you believe it!) and woah, i am happy about that. since she started in school in february, our life has been kicked up a few notches, with lots of going back and forth here and there, lots of planning and scheduling, and very little downtime. being a parent means there’s no true downtime ever, really, but still, this feels like it could be just the big deep breath that i’ve been needing for weeks.</summary></entry></feed>If you would like to create a banner that links to this page (i.e. this validation result), do the following:
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